Would you apologize?

I agree with Sara, Sparrow, and that crowd. We can say things to our good friends that we wouldn't normally say to an acquaintance. I really can't think of anything to add that hasn't been said before, except it's really terrible for a mother to smoke around her children in general--it sets a horrible example, but when one of your children has asthma it goes beyond a bad example to being an irresponsible parent. She can do whatever she wants to herself, but she has no right to put her child in harms way. I would say she is a bad mother!

Michele
 
Growing up with an alcoholic father who I begged to quit drinking--he never did, and with a sister who has Hepatitis C and drinks, even though her doctor and I have begged her to stop, I have made peace with myself knowing that there is nothing I could/can do to change their behavoir. I pray my sister never suffers from liver failure, but all the yelling, begging, pleading I've done is not going to make her stop. So, I told myself I have no control over it and it's time to let go.

It sucks. But I would apologize, tell her you care for her and drop the subject. She may come to her senses and quit some day. But, only she can make that decision.
 
IMHO an apology is definitely in order. Your feelings about smoking are YOUR feelings, and although you may feel you have the right to lambast a friend for what you perceive how bad her choices are, the truth is you attacked her on her own property, in which you were a guest at a social function for her son. A gentle call later, after you'd gotten over yourself, might have been #1 more productive, #2 less intrusive, and #3 more appropriate and mature.


A-Jock
 
I'm with you, Nancy. God forbid I were walking in the friend's shoes - I don't know how I'd react. Sounds like enough crap dumped on one person to make anyone flip out let alone smoke a cigarette!
Just Do It! :)
 
Here's something that occurred to me, and I share it as food for thought. Your description of your friend's behavior suggests that facing death made her realize she hadn't paid as much attention to her own wants and needs as she might want to. Mothers of young children often neglect themselves. Her smoking and partying may be an overcompensation for having neglected herself -- ironically self-destructive, yes, but maybe she doesn't know how to care for herself in more appropriate ways. Sometimes it's easier just to flip to the opposite rather than find a medium ground for caring for self and others. This is why I don't think accusing her of 'selfishness' or asking her to behave for her kids will get through to her (even though it seems rational to us). From what I can see, she may need to have her desire to care for herself affirmed, and then maybe she will feel more free to find healthier ways to do so. My advice: don't shame her or accuse her of selfishness, look for ways to encourage other forms of self-care. For what's it worth!
 
I think that "self care" IS very critical for taking care of a family. A mom that goes nuts because she spent all her time catering to everyone else is a useless one.

If the "self care" is done in a constructive manner, I believe it to be far more benificial to the family/children than it is to the actual mother. We all know what it takes to be a healthy being...mind, body and spirit. By taking that time for ourselves doesn't our family benifit greatly? Doesn't taking care of ourselves and working to stay happy, healthy and disease free help our kids (and grandkids) and those that love us the most?
 
I'm an ex-smoker and don't consider myself the worst of anything. And while I'm glad I quit smoking, I don't look down on smokers and don't give them a hard time about their habit. I do try to do whatever I can think of so they will (hopefully) not feel like lighting up so much. And maybe even finally give up the dang things altogether.

So apologize, not for caring, but because you do care. What she needs right now is a good, steady friend like you. The party-girl friend may not be the best for her. But if your friendship doesn't survive this, she'll be around and you won't. I'd rather see your friendship with this girl (the cancer survivor) continue and grow stronger so that she can get off this self-destructive kick and get herself back on track (a healthy track). I'm thinking more long-range really.

And congratulations on the new baby!
 
>Growing up with an alcoholic father who I begged to quit
>drinking--he never did, and with a sister who has Hepatitis C
>and drinks, even though her doctor and I have begged her to
>stop, I have made peace with myself knowing that there is
>nothing I could/can do to change their behavoir. I pray my
>sister never suffers from liver failure, but all the yelling,
>begging, pleading I've done is not going to make her stop.
>So, I told myself I have no control over it and it's time to
>let go.
>
>It sucks. But I would apologize, tell her you care for her
>and drop the subject. She may come to her senses and quit
>some day. But, only she can make that decision.



Yeah, THAT........:)
 
Sara, give the poor thing a break. Why would you even consider applying all of the stringent standards you apply to yourself to a woman in her situation? She came much closer to death than you or I can ever imagine coming. Do you have any idea what that's like? Me neither. I wouldn't be surprised if she is deeply depressed right now. I doubt she is in any mood to think about eating "fruits and veggies" and going skiing.

Who knows what she feels like? I've never lost a husband. Have you? And of those of us who have been through divorces, how many can say that they were having cancer treatments at the same time? Who says she's hurting her kids? No one has said that. All we've heard is that she smoked outside. There are no second-hand smoking issues with smoking outside.

My thinking is that if she's sensitive to how people see her, putting guilt on her head right now might just be enough to break her. It sounded to me like she's just been through too darn much to have a reality check at this point. Later, sure. But for now, I say just be sympathetic. But of course Dana would know better than we what she seems ready for at this point.

-Nancy
 
I would definitely apologize for humiliating her in public. I think she needs a friend....not to be chastised or judged for her destructive behavior. Give her time to come to her senses and regroup, I'm sure she will quit on her own. Right now she has been to hell and back and dealing with it in the best (although it is destructive) way she knows how.

JMHO,
Robin
 
She already knows everything you said to her, believe me.

I don't think it was your place to judge her. You know the old saying, "walk a mile in someone else's shoes". I've been right where you are with someone I love. It isn't our choice what someone else does. You can love them and accept them as they are, but you cannot change them.

Whether you apologize or not is up to you, and what you feel best doing, but I wouldn't pursue the subject. Like I said in the beginning, she knows that smoking is bad for her, and you telling her isn't going to change a thing!
 
I don't think you need to apologize for WHAT you said, but for THE WAY you said it. I think that an apology will not only soften edges, but is most likely to bring a positive reaction from her and to re-consider what you said. Most humans become defensive when we feel threatened, but if we are approached in a non-offensive way, there is no reason to be defensive and there are not emotional feelings interfering with reason, so we can give thought to what the other person says.
 
I agree that an apology for how you said what you said would be a good way to mend fences. But I don't think an apology for WHAT you said is necessary. Just make sure she knows that your reaction came out of your love and concern for her.
 
No, I would not apologize. She is doing more than risk her own survival, she is risking leaving her young children motherless. When she gave birth to them, she accepted her responsibilities towards them, i.e. staying alive.

She needed the wake up call, and if she truly appreciates you as a friend, when she wises up to her incredible stupidity, she will thank you.

But, I guess it is her life to throw away if she really wants to.

Clare
 
Purple,

I would not apoligize. I did the same thing when my sister started smoking again after losing my 16 year old niece to pneumonia two years ago. To me it was senseless for her start smoking for three reasons off the top of my head. First, my niece hated that my sister smoked and used to give her a really hard time about it and secondly, my niece contracted a lung disease and my sister is ruining her perfectly good lungs and third, she has a 21 year old son still at home.

Some wisdom I've gained over the years is that some people get stronger when faced with insurmountable pain and adversity and others cannot or will not stand up to it and let their weaknesses get the best of them.

What you said to her may or may not sink in but I think you said what you did out of love and caring, even though it may not have sounded like it to her.
 
IMHO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her how you feel "in private" with love and concern. The only reason I felt the line was crossed is because your care and concern became a public embarrassment for her. Because her personal respect was publicly violated, I would apologize even though my intentions were purely good.

She must be a really good friend for you to care so very much and ...because she is still your friend even after having her selfish shortcomings spotlighted in front of others. You are so very lucky to have such a wonderful friendship for over 17 years and... hopefully many years to come!!

Good Luck,
Robin:)
 
I agree with everything Sara said.

Plus, it sounds like some people think that her husband died? From the sound of the post, she left her husband. Unless I read it wrong.
 
I would apologize. But, I would also explain that the reason I reacted that way is that I was caught off guard. She should know that you didn't mean to be hurtful in any way but you love her and care about what happens to her. Unfortunately, after that, you have to accept that she has the right to make choices. Even the bad ones.
 
I would not apologize. You care about your friend and her boys and you would hate to watch her voluntary behavior affect her life in a detrimental way. True friends tell it like it is......acquaintenances don't care. Your friend barely beat cancer, she is engaging in behavior which could make her situation worse, and someone needs to snap her out of it. You reacted because you care.

Good for you!
 
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