Why why why are people always so very negative/unsupportive?

F

Fitnik

Cathlete
I am slowly reaching my limit as far as people’s negativity concerning my pregnancy. Again, it’s always comments from certain people close to me that I consider to be friends that really grate on my nerves.

I was over at our neighbours’ over the weekend and the husband was being so negative about the prospect of DH and I becoming parents talking about all the sacrifices, challenges, lack of sleep etc.. DH and I know it will be tough and that, like anything, parenthood has its ups and downs. I have never been negative this to anyone I know who is expecting and can’t understand why others can’t just be happy for you. To be honest, I think the baby issue is a bit of a sore point for our neighbours as she wants children now and he apparently does not. His comments were extremely defensive.

Another “friend” will not stop going on about ruining my figure! To show her I have not ruined my figure I wore a slim fit dress today and showed off my little bump and legs with pride and had the guys at work salivating - so there. I don’t normally do this at all but had to prove a point to this silly girl. Of course, this irritated her even more and she implied that I was flaunting myself. Grrrrrr - Sorry but it’s really getting to me. People will keep trying to find something wrong with our good news.

I have always supported people whenever they tell me they are doing something significant, unless it really is a stupid idea. I am really struggling to understand why others cannot do the same! It just takes away from your joy somehow when you share news with people and expect them to be happy for you and instead they are negative and unsupportive. Can anyone relate?

*Sigh*


Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
 
Hi Fitnik
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing so much negativity about your pregnancy! Having a baby is one of the most exciting and miraculous things on earth.
I, too, have had to deal with some negativity with this pregnancy. When I first told my mother that I was pregnant, she said,"But you work so hard on your body. It will wreck your figure!" EEK! Not what I was expecting to hear.
Other people have said that my DH and I are crazy to "start over" (we have two girls now-8 and 5) when it is now that the children are more self-sufficient. Ohh!
These things have definately hurt my feelings. But then I decided that I wasn't going to let it get to me. It seems to me that the people who are negative about my pregnancy have issues that have nothing at all to do about me, but are all about them!! And I'm an easy target. Maybe this is true for you, too?
Anyway, Fitnik, you hang in there. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
Becky
 
Well, I'm behind you 100%, Fitnik.

Keep your distance from negativity. This should be the happiest time of your life.
 
Is it jealousy or envy that you are doing what you want and having a baby? So hard to figure people out, so why bother? Let them have their issues, because it is not really about you, likely they have some kind of inner turmoil going on and you are, unfortunetly, the 'punching bag.' Stay true to you and don't defend your decision to bring a wanted, precious baby into this world. Shrug your shoulders and walk away with a big smile on your face when the heat is on. You don't owe anyone any answers.
Becky, I forgot you had 8 & 5 year old girls too. When are you due again?
 
Fitnik - ditto on what everyone else said. I ran into the same thing with a "friend" who is pregnant with her third and went off on my decision to have a home birth, free of drugs. I won't even talk to anyone, other than on this website, who has children because they are either know it alls or schmuckie about it. I think it is for some, jealousy/envy, for others (even a mom) shock at you becoming even less of their little girl, and for others - foot-in-mouth syndrome.

Here are some of my replies...

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"I'm sorry your pregnancy(cies) were so bad you feel that way" - yes - this is catty.
"Well then, I'm glad I'm having the baby and not you!"
"Gee - that was too kind of you to say! Make sure you don't say it to anyone else who is excited about their pregnancy!"
"Gee, is it painful to get your shin and thigh in your mouth with your foot already wedge in there?"
"Oh - well if I'd known my pregnancy would make you feel that way I wouldn't have gotten pregnant."

meow - Tammy;)
 
I don't know why this happens, but once you become pregnant, people feel entitled to comment on just about every aspect of your decision (and later on, your body, and after the baby comes, offer you unsolicited -- and often uninformed -- parenting advice). Being cynical is just a way of life for some people, I guess. I mean, of course your life is about to change -- that's the point, isn't it?

I understand why these reactions would be upsetting, but you have to realize (as it seems you have with respect to your neighbor) that people's reactions say much more about them and their own life issues than they do about you. If someone persists in being negative, perhaps he or she isn't someone you need to be around right now. People who focus only on the difficulties of parenting and can't see/understand/appreciate the utter joy that children bring into your life are missing the point. If you can stay focused on being happy for yourself, the insensitive comments of others won't sting as sharply.

And remember, we're excited and happy for you! How are you feeling these days?
 
Hi bridge
I'm due on Oct.14 (my older daughter's b-day!). When are you due again? How are your girls taking the news?
Becky
 
7 letters for ya' S-E-L-F-I-S-H! Those folks are so self-centered that they just can't imagaine that you and dh are happy to sacrifice a little of yourselves (okay... a lot of yourselves) to be a part of the most miraculous thing -- a family!

It's kind of funny -- but once you have the baby, you are automatically in this fraternity of sorts... people, old and younger, who have kids will want to share with you at the grocery store, and you'll find yourself talking to the plumber about potty training. You'll be surprised at how much more you'll relate to people with kids than those who you've known for years who are negative about the idea.

Hee hee -- I'll bet your friend was fit to be tied that you looked so great in your dress, too! (And, can I borrow your legs for a few months until I get mine back? My butt & legs always get pregnant along with my tummy... LOL)... and I just have to say... aren't you SO glad that you are married to your dh and not the jerk across the street?

Susan (who has no opinion on this subject whatsoever! LOL)
 
I know exactly how you feel. When I was pregnant with my twins, people with no children asked us if we knew what we were getting ourselves into. People I worked with delighted in commenting on how HUGE I was getting and I was proud of every single pound of it!!!!! For the first time in my life, I was more concerned with those two babies than I was myself and my waistline. I knew I would get the waistline back but for then I had to gain weight as the doctors were almost certain that my twins would be born early because of a defect in my uterus. So I obeyed their orders and stayed in bed and, oh yeah baby, I gained some 80lbs. The boys were born at 34 weeks, 6lbs 7oz and 5lbs 9oz. And I got my figure back (eventually!) and I couldn't be happier. My husband and I still laugh about all the negative comments people made, like "I probably shouldn't tell you this" or "twins? I feel sorry for you". Nothing to feel sorry for, and if you know you probably shouldn't tell, than don't!
 
Thanks so much girls!

I can always really on you wonderful ladies for support and impartial, honest advice.

Hazel - I am feeling really well - thanks for asking - very energetic etc.. and little/no nausea. I’m nearly 10 weeks along now!

Tchersue - lol about borrowing my legs! I have been lucky so far with only my waist expanding slightly and nothing else - but early days yet for me!

My DH loves my expanding belly and, yes, I am very glad not to be married to my neighbour’s DH who has far too many hang ups about children generally. DH thought I looked great in my dress yesterday and took me out for a surprise dinner - he said to wear my bump with pride and that he finds me irresistible whatever.

Talking about home births, I was thinking of this idea and my mother (a doctor herself - go figure) was horrified. She also found my idea of actually giving birth squatting ie assisted by gravity, rather than lying down to be very strange - *sigh* But then mum has been an absolute darling in every other respect and is overjoyed about the pregnancy. She came to visit over the weekend and looked so happy at the prospect of being a granny! She’s even asking her boss for holiday around the time I’m due, and I’m not due till 24/11!

You are all right - people have so many different motives for making these comments, few of which are genuine. I am now actively avoiding negative people - sad but true. You “just can’t please all the people all of the time” as they say.

Thanks so much again for your support, ladies!





Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
 
RE: Thanks so much girls!

Hi Fitnik,
I remember being bombarded with terrifying, negative news of all sorts when I announced my pregnancy too. Even the best of friends will insinuate and have remarks that are kind of mean-spirited or competitive. I noticed the competitive thing starts when a women enters pregnancy, and it never ends. Now I am the victim of remarks because I only have one child. "Well, it's easy to work out when you have only one, well it's so easy to have a job, take care of house, go to restaurants (whatever) when you only have one."

"You're not really a family until you have two.". Believe me, I've heard it all. I had a c-section too, so I had to hear "well you're not really a mommie until you go thru 20 hours of hard labor and do it vaginally". Blah, blah, blah.
The remarks never end. Do yourself a favor and decide now to not care what others say and think about what you do. I cared far too much about what people thought of me and have let their remarks torture me (in the past). My only point here is, don't make the mistake I did and let people's remarks get to you. Like another poster said, it only shows THEY have a problem, not you.
Take care of yourself and we're here for you!
Lisa
 
What an auspicious due date!

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Apr-24-02 AT 01:51PM (Est)[/font][p]November 24 is my birthday! Here's hoping you deliver then (we should all be so lucky!) :)

BTW, it doesn't strike me as odd that your mother is cool toward the idea of a home birth. I would guess that most medical doctors probably are more likely to think of a hospital birth as safer (since most of them I've encountered are skeptical of "alernative" medicine anyway), and as your mom, her concern is probably just that much more heightened. After all, you're still HER baby!
 
RE: Thanks so much girls!

OMG! I can't believe anyone would be so crass to make a stupid comment about a c-section birth not being "real motherhood." HELLLOOOO! What do they think you should've done? Died in delivery??? ARGH! That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard (and you can tell them I said so LOLOL :))
Susan
 
RE: What an auspicious due date!

It is amazing just how much competition there is in this whole area! There is no such thing as a 2nd class birth, pregnancy or conception yet time and time again I’ve heard people imply that there’s some sort of hierarchy for each.

My neighbour just had a baby girl a few months ago. When I told her I was pregnant, she kept saying I’d ruin my figure. I said I doubted if this would happen as I was in phenomenal shape before getting pregnant, planned to exercise throughout and eat sensibly and to go for long walks for fat loss with baby after baby was born. This was a direct dig at her because she put her feet right up after getting pregnant with her daughter, never exercised either before or during her pregnancy and has actually gained even more weight on maternity leave! The comment that annoyed me the most was that she had given birth naturally without pain killers, as if she was some kind of saint - how pathetic is that! I said that was her choice but I planned to have all the painkillers available including an epidural if the pain was really bad and saw no point in suffering any more than you had to. She was horrified, implying that I wasn’t planning to be a real mother. It is just incredible.

Then other friends have boasted about conceiving the first month of trying as if that is some credit to them, ignoring the pain of others I know who have tried for years without success. It really grates on my nerves because I know there’s a huge element of chance in conception anyway! And these comments are particularly insensitive for the many friends I know who are struggling with conception themselves. I will always support friends who try IVF or any other method of assisted conception - it’s a case of “there but for the grace of God go we” - it could easily have been DH and I in that situation and we did nothing different to our friends going through IVF. How anyone can look down upon a couple who conceive via assisted means is beyond me.

DH and I had always planned to start trying for a family when I was about 28/29. Thankfully it didn’t take us long to conceive. But one friend of my DH’s whose wife is the same age as me and is now about 6 months along with their second one never stopped making comments to me along the lines of my clock was ticking etc.. - and these comments started when I was just 26! Why can’t people just mind their own business? These are deeply personal issues.

Sorry - I’m just venting. But there generally needs to be so much more sensitivity in this area I think.


Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
 
I know how you feel. When DH told his co-workers we were having a baby (she's now 14 months), I was 35 at the time and DH was 36. One of his co-workers went on and on about how we were way to old to have another baby and how expensive they were. After she was born, most people were very supportive and happy for us. This one particular co-worker has never once, in 14 months asked about her or even acknowledged she exists. It can get on our nerves, but we try to concentrate on all the wonderful people who do ask about her! There are always negative people....try to concentrate on the positive ones because they are the ones who really care about you. Anyway, just my .02. Hope this helps?!!?
 
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