Why are we so "mean" to our own?

RE: Why are we so

Well, just because we deny it, doesn't mean we are guilty, right? Statistics mean nothing about an individual, they are just a probability. So, I do appreciate the warning to beware of this behavior, but not the implication that we are all doing it.

My twenty year old daughter and I have discussed this a lot. I honestly do not think I am being competitive with her, or making her feel bad about herself, but I will continue to be vigilant.
 
RE: Why are we so

That's a really interesting point Annette. In fact, a very close friend of mine was raped when she was 22--she was walking home late one night & was attacked. When she got home her OWN MOTHER actually said she was asking for it! Can you imagine?

Even my own mother is competitive w/me--I hear things like "I was just as thin as you when I was your age, but I didn't have to exercise or diet to look that way." Or "I'm glad you're successful, but if you did such and such like I told you you'd be much more successful." It's unbelievable that mothers would actually be competitive w/their daughters instead of supportive, encouraging & proud. And you're right--if I ever pointed this out to her she would totally deny it.
 
RE: Why are we so

Maxi - I once was assigned a case in which a teenaged girl was punched in the nose by her boyfriend in front of her mother. I called the mother to get a statement from her, and she refused to do so, telling me, "That boy is like a son to me." If the sentence that was boiling up inside of me - "Well, is your daughter like a daughter to you?" - had erupted I'd've been fired.

The subject of mothers' competitiveness with, and need to control, their own daughters is one of the last great taboo subjects. Sisterhood is in the main a myth. The sexes are competitive with their own, men with men and women with women, and that doesn't change - indeed, it's usually amplified - with same-sex parents.

I'm also of the opinion that the genesis of most eating disorders is within the family, and comes in large part from mothers' attitudes toward their own bodies and their communication of their own self-images (usually negative, sometimes narcissistic) to their daughters.

A-Jock
 
RE: Why are we so

This isn't just a chick thing. I'm going to respectfully disagree with this statement here:

<snip>This is not a "man" thing. They dont give a hootin nanny about the guy walking past in a bad suit. or the fact he can eat 3 burgers in one sitting.<snip>

I work with and socialize with mostly men. They're just as cattily (is that a word) critical of each other as women are (sometimes worse!), but over different things. The judgments I generally hear about regard things like how much money so-and-so makes, the junker they drive, how much they paid for the junker they drive, how so-and-so doesn't maintain his yard or truck or snowmobile, yadda, yadda, yadda ad nauseum.

Yep, being judgmental is an equal opportunity sport.
 
RE: Why are we so

I catch myself picking people apart all the time. I admire people with perfect hair, skin and body, but am also sooo jealous!

But, my worst habit is looking at people and thinking, boy I'd like to get a hold of their hair or take them clothes shopping to find something more flattering, or they should stand up straiter, or they shoudn't eat that... on and on it goes. In reality, someone is probably looking at me thinking the same things!!!
 
RE: Why are we so

I agree. In my case I've spent my life trying to be the opposite of my mother. But I can see how that kind of negativity & competitiveness could really mess up a woman's head. My sister's always been under my mother's control & she's insecure & full of negativity, she's never had a healthy relationship w/a man & really doesn't have them w/women either, she's very jealous & catty toward other women, she's critical of pretty much every human being she crosses paths with. It's a recipe for unhappiness & it's really sad.
 
RE: Why are we so

Marion,

Very interesting topic.

I DO believe women need to be more supportive of other women and stop being competitive. There are enough men in the world attempting to make us feel "less than", why should we help them out by hurting each other?

Honestly, I think some women have never even considered their actions because they were simply conditioned to think that judging other women is okay (and even a "bonding" experience if we're talking about a group of women). I didn't think much of it until my mid-20's when I started trying to figure out what I wanted from my life. I won't make a negative remark about another woman's body. I still haven't figured out how to respectfully tell a group of "friends" that they're out of line when they are in their "negative group talk" mode. So, that is something I need to work on (having the balls to say it and the tact to say it in an effective way).

This is what I believe: at the heart of the matter is judgement and comparison; neither of which will lead to a happy life. This is not just a women's issue. It applies to most humans. When someone says a negative thing about another person -- why are they doing it? What do they get out of it? Is it an attempt to boost their own ego? Are they doing it to make themselves feel superior? Why is that necessary? Whenever I think something negative about another person, I immediately ask myself why I'm doing it. 100% of the time it is because I'm judging them or comparing myself to them. What good does that do me? And why am I doing it? 100% of the time it is because I am not feeling secure with myself. There is no need for comparison. We are all perfect and unique. You can't compare apples and oranges, right? Well, people are the same. Everyone is different and has a different purpose so why waste your time comparing? Actually, the whole topic of jealousy would disappear if we would learn not to compare!

I was watching a PBS program (Wayne Dyer's Power of Intention) the other day and he had a great point about judgement. Judgement does NOT come from a place of love. When you judge another person, it has nothing to do with that person -- but it DOES say something about you. It says you are a person that needs to judge. If I say you are stupid, it doesn't mean you are stupid. It means that I'm a person that needs to attach labels to people.

It IS hard to live by these rules when we've spent a large part of our life being taught to act differently. I'm trying to do my part.

Shonie
 
RE: Why are we so

I love to people watch. I have to say I'm probably guilty of pointing out the "not so good" but I'm equally as guilty as pointing out the "good". I'll tell DH...wow check out that lady's biceps or abs or outfit or hair or.....

Colleen
 
RE: Why are we so

Fortunately I don't really "judge" other women or feel jealous. I was raised not to feel jealous, and I think it really worked. :)

I don't want to sound Pollyanna, but I admire beautiful women and men, and I don't feel catty or jealous, or anything. I am fortunate to have a group of friends that are non-judgemental with all body shapes.

My parents constantly told us how wonderful and pretty my sister and I were, and raised us with a lot of self-confidence. But don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of days where I am not feeling so great about myself.

My mother raised me to respect women, and to be on their side so to speak. A lot of women call other women some mean and hateful things, which I think is a shame. We need to stick together. :)

Lori
 
RE: Why are we so

I actually agree with Shonie.

Matter of fact, I remember going through the same self diagnosis as she is going through.

I can honestly say that I'm not a judgemental person as it pertains to this discussion. It only took years to get there. I will also say that I am judgemental and proudly use that judgement when meeting people. If I get a bad vibe from someone, I listen to it. I use my judgement for protection.

Anyway back to this topic. I will see an overweight woman running on the street and the first thing that pops into my head is "GOOD FOR YOU!" I want to stop and tell her how much I admire her for what she's doing.

I will see someone that has excess hair on their face (female) and figure that it's not a priority to do something about it.

I will compliment people whether I know them or not. One woman had the most beautiful legs. The legs I would kill for, she's got them, worked hard for them, she is entiled to show them. By God, if I'm busting my butt to look better, I have the right to show it as well.

It's about attitude and how much negativity we choose to have in our lives. I do not want that crap in my life and will make sure people know it, respectifully of course.

In a group setting, when people get into that nasty little mode, I'll just say something like, "I don't appreciate that kind of talk. We are all insecure but it's not very flattering to display it in this way." I get looks, you bet. But as soon as I say that, I'm not subject to it again from those people.

I really don't care if people are talking about me. I've had a comment or two thrown my way and I feel such pitty for them. Mainly because I feel that they have nothing better to do than that, their lives must be sad and lonely, so they deserve my pitty.

I don't think it's human nature to do this. I think it's how we've been taught and I do believe that if you give positive energy, you will get it back 10 times strong. It goes for the same with negative energy. Matter of fact, that is one thing that I've seen time and time again, what comes around goes around.

It all boils down to what kind of person you want to be. I don't want to be that type of person, participate in it, or be around it. I want to be who I am and I choose that not to be a part of me. Just no room in my life for that.

Just my humble opinion. Excellent topic!
 
RE: Why are we so

I totally agree with Mogambo. The better I feel about myself, the kinder I am to others. When I'm feeling bad about myself, I become more judgmental.

However, there is an important distinction that should be made. It's one thing to think something negative and another to actually say it. I am very careful about what I say, and the more insecure I am feeling, the more careful I try to be. (Of course, occasionally something awful does slip out, and then I feel even worse about myself. Invariably this occurs during PMS, I am sorry to say :-( )
 
RE: Why are we so

mogambo I just read that article. How annoying! My mom does the same thing with me, but not to that extent. Thankfully I can tell her to shut up so to speak, without her running and crying to her bedroom.

As far as judging goes. People do judge and that's what judging is for. I had a girlfriend with whom I was very close with. She left her wonderful, educated, rich husband for some guy she met at work. Promptly divorced her husband and got pregnant and married the new guy. She said "don't judge me". Please, I am going to judge in a thing like this. Especially since she was only married 2 years and had to have this huge, gorgeous wedding, and is the second time she has done something like that. But I will not be catty or judgemental just because somebody is prettier, or has nicer things.

I think it is horrible when family members talk about their own family with other extended family. My dh cousin is the topic of gossip these days. I think it is totally classless to carry on like that and talk about her and be mean. She's only 20 years old for God's sake. Who the heck cares what a 20 year old is doing with her life, does it affect them that much that they have to be hateful and talk about her like she's a low life. It makes you think, are they talking about me when I am not here, probably!

Lori
 
RE: Why are we so

Liane,

I'm rolling on the floor laughing. Great one!
I wish it didn't sound so damn familiar.

-another Nancy
 
RE: Why are we so

Maximus, I'm sorry that sounds so hurtful. Maybe it's just her way to puah you even harder. Moms usually want the very best for their kids. Maybe it's her way to nag. I do wtih My kid & I have to realize I'm pushing too hard.

Marla
 
RE: Why are we so

This story is really pathetic - why do mothers think they are doing their daughters a favor by acting like that? How would they react if the tables were turned and they were talked to like that? You KNOW they would be appalled.

This is the kind of person you would love to see on the Dr. Phil program, but sadly, I'm sure Dr. Phil's advice would sail over the mother's head.

I personally would cut off most ties with a mother like that - AFTER I tried to let her know that her treatment of me was NOT OK. You really do teach people how to treat you, and you must stand up for yourself - no one else will.
 
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