I saw that when my SO left my apartment he made my bed and folded the blankets on the couch. So I called and thanked him for all the little things he did to straighten out my apartment. His response "Ooooookkkkkkk, I didn't really do anything". I said "What do you mean you folded the blankets and made the bed" and he just says "Yeah, but that's it". Gosh, why do I feel like our conversation is such a strain anymore. Why do I feel a sarcastic tone when I'm thanking him.
Why am I frustrated?
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crazystepr
Cathlete
OMG, I have felt the same way about two previous boyfriends of mine. It's so hard to have such strained conversations, I know. You just wanted to let him know you appreciated what he did, regardless of how big or small it was, and he just doesn't get it. Maybe it's his way of feeling humbled and acting like "it was nothing", but it's still hurtful to you.
I don't have any advice, only that I've been through the same thing. The sad part is, both of those relationships ended because of instances just like this. I'm sorry.
Allison
I don't have any advice, only that I've been through the same thing. The sad part is, both of those relationships ended because of instances just like this. I'm sorry.
Allison
pippa
Cathlete
I think this is a common problem for a lot of people. They don't know how to take a compliment or accept thanks. Inherently, it has to do with their own feelings of self-worth. How many people do you know when you pay them a compliment, they try to deflect it? Or when you offer thanks, they dismiss it as no big deal? Now, maybe your SO's response was a little harsher than this but I think a lot of people just feel, deep down, that they don't deserve praise or appreciation.
Honestly, based on your last two posts, I would say your SO seems to have some issues with receiving information, he has some sort of wall put up to protect himself. He doesn't seem to want to listen to your feelings(which causes him to get defensive) nor does he want your appreciation(which causes him to deflect). Is he in any type of counseling? I would suggest you trying to talk to him(since I know a lot of guys are big on 'counseling') but, as you said, I don't think that conversation would necessarily go very well.
Honestly, based on your last two posts, I would say your SO seems to have some issues with receiving information, he has some sort of wall put up to protect himself. He doesn't seem to want to listen to your feelings(which causes him to get defensive) nor does he want your appreciation(which causes him to deflect). Is he in any type of counseling? I would suggest you trying to talk to him(since I know a lot of guys are big on 'counseling') but, as you said, I don't think that conversation would necessarily go very well.
Timber99
Cathlete
I'd be frustrated too! You called to thank him for doing something sweet. If he didn't think it was a big deal, then fine, but all he needed to do was say "I didn't think it was a big deal but I'm glad it brighten your day" or "you're welcome."
I've read a few of your posts and remember that recently you moved into your own place before moving in with him, you've had a few issues lately and you've been having a lot of "talks." It might just be that you are experiencing an effect of all of this. I know that I get frustrated over and over, I let things build (and sounds like you may be like this too). Then one thing seems to come after another, I pile each frustration on top of the other, even if we already talked about it. And if there wasn't a successful conversation (ie you walked away thinking that things weren't any better), that is more of a pile than not ever having one at all!
Sometimes when I feel like issues in a relationship are coming time after time after time and that there is the "struggle" that you mentioned, I try to take a bit of time off, whether that be a day, weekend, whatever, to put it out of my head, spend time alone or with a girlfriend not thinking about it and trying to take a deep breath and clear my mind. You'll most likely be less frustrated and find that the conversation comes easier and is more productive.
Good luck
I've read a few of your posts and remember that recently you moved into your own place before moving in with him, you've had a few issues lately and you've been having a lot of "talks." It might just be that you are experiencing an effect of all of this. I know that I get frustrated over and over, I let things build (and sounds like you may be like this too). Then one thing seems to come after another, I pile each frustration on top of the other, even if we already talked about it. And if there wasn't a successful conversation (ie you walked away thinking that things weren't any better), that is more of a pile than not ever having one at all!
Sometimes when I feel like issues in a relationship are coming time after time after time and that there is the "struggle" that you mentioned, I try to take a bit of time off, whether that be a day, weekend, whatever, to put it out of my head, spend time alone or with a girlfriend not thinking about it and trying to take a deep breath and clear my mind. You'll most likely be less frustrated and find that the conversation comes easier and is more productive.
Good luck
Netta
Cathlete
Sorry you are going thru some stuff. I've just got to say it though, if it's that much work to have this relationship, is it really worth it? Shouldn't it kind of come easy at this point? It's not like you are married to him and staying together "till death do us part". To me, there should be an easiness to the relationship. Both of you comfortable with each other. Just my take.
Jeanette
Jeanette
I'm sorry to say it, too, but I agree with Jeanette. I was with my ex-fiancee for about 8 years (from the time I was 16) and for the last 3 years it just didn't feel right. We loved each other and all, but it just seemed like we were always upset with each other for no good reason or there was always something wrong. And we always asked each other why our relationship seemed to take so much work, especially if we loved each other... Finally, we both decided it's better to end it than to keep dragging on the way we were. In hindsight, I realize we just grew up and weren't the same people anymore, and no longer "fit" together.
Since then I've met someone who makes me INCREDIBLY HAPPY and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't settle and stay stuck in a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere. One of the reasons I think my relationship now is so great is because we are both adamant about communication. We both feel totally comfortable talking about whatever needs to be talked about without having to worry about whether that will make things worse. It's better to just lay it all out on the table - no matter what - and you can deal with it together.
Good luck.
Since then I've met someone who makes me INCREDIBLY HAPPY and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't settle and stay stuck in a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere. One of the reasons I think my relationship now is so great is because we are both adamant about communication. We both feel totally comfortable talking about whatever needs to be talked about without having to worry about whether that will make things worse. It's better to just lay it all out on the table - no matter what - and you can deal with it together.
Good luck.
tneah
Cathlete
Frankly he sounds a little emotionally immature. I know exactly how you feel. I would "distance" myself from him and concentrate on doing things for you. We tend to lose ourselves sometimes when we are in relationships that feel complicated.
I am not saying play games, but do not make yourself available for awhile and go out with your girls or something.
I am not saying play games, but do not make yourself available for awhile and go out with your girls or something.
eminenz2
Cathlete
I hope I don't sound like a complete snot for saying this because it is meant with compassion but tough love, but I always remembered the saying, "It is better to be alone for the right reason than to be with anyone for the wrong reason."
Please, no offense is intended (as you know, it's difficult to convey tone in a post sometimes).
Susan L.G.
Please, no offense is intended (as you know, it's difficult to convey tone in a post sometimes
).Susan L.G.
endorphin_junkie
Cathlete
I have to agree with Jeanette...significant romantic relationships should settle into an easy flow and enhance our lives. Frustration at feeling so misunderstood is completely understandable. For a partner to bristle and be sarcastic after a 'thank you' is bewildering at the very least. A few markers for my relationships are, does this person make me want to be a better person by example. Is this person a positive force in supporting and appreciating the person that I am? Relationships should add light and joy to our lives....not some strange kind of rivalry. Hope things get better for you. I also agree with Susan's kind words.
Take Care
Laurie
Take Care
Laurie
kathryn
Cathlete
> I've just got to say it
>though, if it's that much work to have this relationship, is
>it really worth it? Shouldn't it kind of come easy at this
>point? It's not like you are married to him and staying
>together "till death do us part". To me, there should be an
>easiness to the relationship. Both of you comfortable with
>each other.
I agree.
>though, if it's that much work to have this relationship, is
>it really worth it? Shouldn't it kind of come easy at this
>point? It's not like you are married to him and staying
>together "till death do us part". To me, there should be an
>easiness to the relationship. Both of you comfortable with
>each other.
I agree.