When is being "friendly" ,TOOO!!!! "friendly"?

C

claridge

Cathlete
My best girlfriend moved back to the same State I live in, after living for a year out of State due to her work.
No problem there - we have been friends for years, so Im very happy we can continue our friendship outside phone calls and e-mails

The problem is her boyfriend........soon to be husband.

Basically after the 2nd time we met, he patted me on the behind and told me I had "nice glutes" This was such a shock that I didnt even have time to react with actions or words.
On another occasion, he asked if I would tell Sue (my girlfriend) where I bought my bras because he liked the colour. (this particular day I was wearing a T with shoe string straps, so the straps of my bra were showing)
This time, I did say to him that I would appreciate it, if he keep all personal comments to himself in the future........... he just laughed and told me I was being silly and he ment nothing by it, he was just being friendly.

The straw that brakes the camels back on this, is, hes taken to standing really close, and I feel "TOO" close to me if we are in the kitchen together, or when we are just talking.

Now.....Im thinking, this isnt right!!! Call it womans intuition but his guy has got the hair on the back of my neck standing up.

The problem I have is what to do?

Im not sure YET wheather it warrents telling my girlfriend that I think hes a total creep and gerk, or even telling my husband! In fact my husband would proberly think the"glute" comment was complementry.

If I say EVERYTHING out loud to myself that bothers me about this guy, it starts to sound ridiculous even to my ears. Apart from the backside pat, what has he done? Hes made me feel "uncomfortable" in his presence. So, is that enough to warrent a confontation?

Im confused here and in a bit of a fluster. This is my best friend and I dont want to loose her friendship over something I should be able to handle or even ignore.

Im hoping the answer is clear to anyone who responds, because I cant see the forest because of the trees at the moment.





:(
 
RE: When is being

I am laughing at your "australianisms" and wondering what the North Americans think!

Seriously though, you really have the answer within you. You know what you need to do.

Talk to your friend and tell him to POQ (p**s off quick)

cheers
Liz N
 
RE: When is being

Hello,

First off no one is touching my a** unless I want them to, Second, the comment about the bra sounds like a sexual inuendo and Third this guy is starting to "stand to close" He is putting the moves on you big time. Tell the S.O.B. to back off and leave you alone.

You can have the best glutes around as far as your husband goes and be extremely proud of you and your accomplishments because you work hard to get it but I don't think he would want another man's hand on your a**.

Unfortuately, I don't know if your friend will believe you and the only way to know is to tell her. Either way she is gonna get hurt. :(



Kim

edited to make better sense. and to say you are NOT at fault for this other guy's actions.

Take Care
 
RE: When is being

This guy is a real winner right? He's doing this as a sort of power thing. I mean he's making you feel really uncomorftable on purpose because he wants you to be & he knows he can get away with it. If I were your friend I'd want you to tell me but I don't how your friend would handle this. Did he pat your butt when you were alone? If you can't tell her, then I would confront this guy next time you're alone & tell him you will call the police for assault charges if he touches you again without your permission, (& muster up all your confidence). I don't know how feasible that is in Australia but here in Texas, you can't go around touching people's behinds without their permission. It is so disgusting. This guy is taking advantage because you're a woman & you're also her friend.

Don't be intimidated. Sorry if I let my ire show but I can't stand the thought of sexual harrassment. No, I'm not a women's libber or whatever the current catch phrase is.

Take care,
Marla
 
RE: When is being

Is your friend around when he's doing this? If it's not something he does only when she's not around, then it's out of bounds. Of course, if he does it when she IS around, then it's out of bounds. Next time he tries to get too close, tell him you'd really appreciate it if he stayed out of your personal space. Of course, he'll just laugh and tell you you're acting silly. You are not. HE is in the wrong.

And DO tell your husband about it: he may have more insight into the male mind than you do and give you some ideas on how to handle the situation.
 
RE: When is being

Amen Marla!!

seriously, this guy is way out of line. if i were you, i would try my best to imagine myself in your friend's shoes and figure out the best way to tell her. if you are close and you have been friends for years, then i can't imagine why you shouldn't tell her. she is a big girl and wouldn't you want to know in her situation? i would talk to her first and him as a last resort. also your husband could, as someone else mentioned, provide some valuble insight to the situation. hell, things can't get any weirder, so what ? i don't blame you for being uncomfortable, but, sadly, it is up to you to do something about it.

jes:-(
 
RE: When is being

My thinking is like everyone else here..and I totally agree with Kathryn. Your husband NEEDS to know what is going on.
Here is a scenario...You tell your girlfriend. She doesn't believe you and is only angry. Then say, she tells this rat fink of a guy wht you just said. Then the guy gets you alone and confronts you with telling his and your girlfriend. Then, you just could be in a very dangerous situation that he is in control of. And you know what....the girlfriend would and or could be convinced it was all YOUR fault. (he would make sure of that)

Only a scenario but see how important is would be to tell your husband. He is supposed to be your best friend and partner for life and he definately has a right to know.

This is my 2cents.
 
RE: When is being

Wanda, I'm glad you thought of that. Usually it is the friend instead of the a**hole that gets the blame. I hope her husband takes her seriously though and doesn't blow it off as just boys being boys.

Marla
 
RE: When is being

You are NOT being ridiculous my any means. This jackass knows what he is doing is wrong. I would bet you a kangaroo he wouldn't do it if your freind was there next to him. You are in a very difficult situation! Mine was similar and I nipped it in the bud quick! DH's best freind and best man at our wedding copped a feel of my chest not 1X but 2X! The first time I thought I was imagining this and chalked it up to me just over reacting. We were at his place of business,(a winery) and my DH (faincee at the time) was not in the immediate area. As soon as his hand made contact with me I turned to face him immediately and grabbed his groin area with every bit of strength in me and told him next time I would wear his balls as earrings and make a coin purse out of his foreskin if he ever did this to me again! He managed to gasp out an apology as he was turning red. Never have had a problem with him in the 17 years since then. Is your freind the type of person that would want to know? Do you think she would believe you because this jerk would probably deny it?! The fact that he is such a presumptous jackass that he thinks he can carry on like this and you won't say anything to her is disgusting! Are there other mutual freinds that you all share and you could maybe make some discreet inquiries as to his conduct with them ? You are in a terrible spot and I hope that you find a solution!
BooBoo39
 
RE: When is being

If the guy is doing it and your friend isn't around, confront him and tell him to back off or you'll expose him.

I'd expose him anyway, this friend of yours is heading down the road to heartache. You are probably not the only woman he does this with, he probably behaves this way at work. Would she rather hear it from you before she weds or afterwards when her "DH" is named in a sexual harrassment suit.

If he is doing it while your friend is around... arm yourself with a cup of hot coffee and when he's close to you fake a sneeze and blast him with the coffee. Just keep spilling things on him.

Dave
 
RE: When is being

I personally don't think i'd say anything. I understand what you mean about him being "too friendly" but at the same time she is your friend, and though in an ideal world she'd hear you out and believe you, that isn't always the case.

He isn't worth upsetting a friendship over, esepcailly as it will be her husband soon. She (sadly, though i don't know her) is more likey to side with him than you. After all, she is in love with him.

This isn't right what he's doing, and though i'm sure he is meaning well with his glute comment, he really shouldn't touch them! Even in a jokey way.

Good luck and let us know what happens.
 
RE: When is being

Here was my situation...DH and I were friends with another couple - all of us married. One night when the four of us went out and had returned to our house, the other husband managed to be right in the doorway of a room I was coming out of. He started laughing and trying to tell me something and said he needed to tell me in private. So he shuts the door behind him and the next thing I know he's kissing me (okay we had a few too many brewskies that night). I was obviously a little taken off guard, started laughing and left the room. I made sure I was by DHs side the rest of the evening.

When they had left, I told DH the whole story. He didn't really seem shocked but said if he tried to do anything again just tell him and he'd handle it. Well, the next time we saw them, he came up to me and told me to keep our kiss a secret....I told him DH already knew. He wanted to know what was up with me...I said DH and I tell each other everything and he hasn't touched me since and that was about 15 years ago! He seemed really shocked that I had told DH, and the wife has never brought anything up about it and we're still really good friends, at least with the wife anyway.

Sam
 
RE: When is being

I hate things like this.I don't mean to sound vain or anything like that, but crap like this happens to be a fair bit.I got hit on twice last week, just by cutting someones hair.
We went out one night, a few years ago, and my DH (was boyfriend at the time)wasn't out.He was away.I was out with his sister and a few friends.We were talking to a guy we knew well and his girlfriend wasn't out either.We were just laughing and talking,no big deal,just normal conversation, and out of the blue this guy says,(while no one else is around)"Im going home,are you comming"? I was in complete amazment.I didn't know what to do.I handled it quit well.I also told DH and he was not happy b/c they were pretty good friends.To this day,this guys wife doesn't act the same towards me,so I am wondering if he had told her a "different story" to save his own a$$!
If I were you I would mention it to your DH.Just to give him a heads up.Chances are,it won't sound that crazy to him.
Lori:)
 
RE: When is being

Well the ass touching is definitely over the line. Period. The bra strap color thing is borderline but I imagine he meant it as a sexual hint to you. I mean, bra color is a pretty easy thing to shop for right? Bra STYLES might be harder to find. Soooooo, he needs to come up with better lines than that!! ;) He's actually DOING the things that all guys want to do when they see a nice-looking woman. We are visual. Unfortunately, it seems he never has learned that there is a line that should not be crossed unless the lady(unmarried of course) invites you across that line.
Take him aside and tell him you will not put up with his crap anymore. He's not ready to be tied down to one woman either, by the way. Not acting like that.
Whether to tell your friend or not........that's tricky. Maybe lay the law down to him and if he still acts that way, then tell her. She'll find out on her own anyway if he's so forward with other women.
T. :)
 
RE: When is being

"I turned to face him immediately and grabbed his groin area with every bit of strength in me and told him next time I would wear his balls as earrings and make a coin purse out of his foreskin if he ever did this to me again!"


That is brilliant!!!!! LMHO!!!!!!:eek: }(
 
RE: When is being

Your feelings are definitely warranted here. Your husband should have a nice little "talk" w/this jerk. Only then will your problem be solved. What does your husband make of this anyway? Does your husband feel its harmless? HTH, Kathy :D
 
RE: When is being

YOur husband might think the "glute" comment was complementary, but I doubt he'd feel that way about this jerk patting your behind. That is TOTALLY unacceptable.

Being friendly is TOO friendly when it makes the target of the friendliness feel uncomfortable. He's sexually harassing you and you've got to lay down the law. Tell him to back off. He'll respect you more if you stick up for yourself and don't involve your husband. Tell your husband, no doubt, but don't have him fight your battles. Maybe just have him watch your backside (so to speak).

I really think you want to make sure you're never alone with this guy. As the others pointed out - it really is a power thing with him.

If your friend is truly a best friend, do you think she'd want you putting up with this? Eventually if it continues, you're going to start avoiding her. This guy actually seems like the type who could become abusive after a while. I think you'd be doing your friend a favor to get her to see that he's a loser.
 
RE: When is being

I'm in agreement with telling your dh. What have you got to loose? He'll have the reassurance that you are honest with him and perhaps keep his eyes open for other signs of trouble that you may be missing.
I've been in a similar situation and I did tell my friend - which I now know was the right thing. I prefaced our talk with "Our friendship means too much to me for me to jeopardize it but I have concerns about this guy of yours..." She took it poorly but over time (2 yrs) came to see I was right and was sorry she hadn't paid more attention to what I had to say.
I think telling her will make for a much better long term friendship...a lot better than having her find out he's a jerk on her own and then telling her you knew it all along.
Good luck with this one!
 
RE: When is being

He is crossing a line. First, tell your husband. Then, tell the creep to back off, and if he doesn't, tell your friend - before she marries him! She'll find out the hard way one day anyway, so in the long run she'd probably rather hear it from a friend. Hopefully she won't marry this as*hole.

Carol
:)
 
RE: When is being

I've found out to go with instincts! Everytime I have felt uncomfortabe around a man, I later find out I had every reason to be!

You are getting that hair stand up on your neck for a reason! Your friend needs to know, even though she will be deeply hurt. Sometimes love is blind.
 
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