When an adult acts like a child...

[Timber99]

...and I don't mean in a *good* way!!!! One of my pet peeves is when an argument/disagreement ensues between two adults on the telephone and one of them simply HANGS UP! Sure, I guess it is better than getting into an "insult fest" and going off or losing their temper, but it's just about as bad in my mind. x( x( x( x( I've responded to this by either calling right back and giving a good ol' "what on earth did you do that for?" or just not calling back for a number of days (which of course is met with equal coldness and frustration as the original call!!!).

Grrrrr...can you tell that someone did this to me today!? }( I have a family member that does this often when we argue/disagree and I just cannot deal with it. Am I 15 again? You can't *win*, so you hang up!? I am always the "better person" and I call a day or so later and try to clear things up. My, oh my, is this frustrating!

YOu guys always know what to say and suggest...help!?
Christine

 

[dmstefanos]

Hi Christine,

How old is the family member? Because I learned this from the Supernanny show on ABC on Monday nights to give my child a timeout. The time is one minute per year of age. That seems to have worked for my kids (6,5,2) to correct behavior I'm not thrilled about. So, call that family member up and tell her to come over and s/he has to sit in the naughty chair! :7 Or sometimes when the kids are older she has a naughty room. Maybe that would work better since this person is older.;-)

Sorry, I haven't had to reprimand an adult lately. Hope you get some good advice.

Hope your day gets better.

Dallas

 

[Timber99]

...62

 

[ColleenM]

My mother is 64 and does this also...drives me bonkers!

Colleen

 

[dmstefanos]

Oh! That would be some t/o! I wonder if s/he would kick her legs and cry the whole time like my kids do?!!:7

Hang in there. That really stinks when stuff like that happens.

Dallas

 

[dss62467]

I haven't hung up on someone in a long time, but I can understand the psychology behind it. At least for me. Sometimes I start getting so angry and the argument is going nowhere, so I need to be alone. Immediately! Just to get myself back together, rethink what's going on, and try to see it from the other's point-of-view. I can't do that if the other person is still jabbering away in my ear. People just don't seem to know how to stop talking and give you a few minutes of silence to get your thoughts together. Especially on the phone.

Now, of course, the proper way to handle it would be to say, "I need to stop talking about this right now. I'll call you back in a little while." Like I said, it's been a really long time since I've hung up on anyone I know(probably in my twenties). I have been known to hang up on customer service representatives who become rude when they don't know what they're talking about. I did it to one from a bank who was accusing me of being behind on a loan payment which they actually had received days before. Then I called back and told his supervisor what a jerk he was.

I have had this problem with my husband a couple times. We really don't fight much, but if we get to a point where we're just screaming and neither is listening to the other, I have to go have a walk to calm down. He won't let me leave and it makes me insane! He thinks I'm running away from the issue. I'm just trying to figure out a way to resolve it without doing any more damage.

Now, to give you any suggestions about how to handle it if someone hangs up on you...I'd just give it some time before calling back. Maybe a day or two. Speaking as one who HAS hung up on someone, I feel like a real idiot after I've calmed down. It would always be a pride-swallowing thing to call back because I know I've acted like a child. An apology is always warranted. If you're the one who has been hung-up on, and you want to make the first move to resolve the issue, then just wait to make the call. When she answers, ask if you can discuss the issue again now that you've both had time to think.

 

[Timber99]

>Now, of course, the proper way to handle it would be to say,
>"I need to stop talking about this right now. I'll call you
>back in a little while."

Precisely! My family member just ends the converation, period, and hangs up. Sends my blood pressure through the roof. At times, she will say "I got in a fight with so and so and I hung up on them" and I try to get the conversation in there with a "well, why would you do that?" The difference is that my family member doesn't even feel guilty about it afterwards...she did it b/c she didn't like the conversation and that is that. I usually end up calling, and getting attitude, first b/c I just don't carry negative energy for all that long. I am not going to play the "who willl call first game" or cop an attitude for a week over that. At the same time, I don't need it either

Thanks for your suggestions ladies - and for letting me vent!

Christine

 

[Bobbi]

That's a tough one. When tempers flare on the phone and it can't to be resolved by lightening up, someone will hang up. And what can you do, call and say, I dislike being hung up on? No, because they aren't taking your phone calls! You could avoid touchy subjects but since you aren't 15, why should you have to? Still, that may be best, at least with that person. My husband and I have each hung up on the other. With him, I have learned it's best not to discuss some things and never to call if I find out he's done something that chaps my hide. But it's hard NOT to call. (And when he's busy and I call, he'll say he can't talk and, click, hang up, with no goodbye. I hate that! Goodbye. You have a nice day too. Of course, with my sisters, sometimes we say goodbye several hundred times since one word leads to another, so he may be on to something.)

But maybe youu could establish a new pattern with your hanger upper when you are chatting nicely or a subject arises that could so sour. Before an argument can ensue, lightly say you should drop it because you wouldn't want to be hung up on and then change the subject to something ridiculously innocuous. Choosing the right moment to approach something and the right tone requires patience but you an adult and you know how to act like one so....
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? - Mary Oliver

 

[dss62467]

Christine - one thing that I might suggest and you can "take it or leave it" (as Cathe says), is that by asking "why would you do that?", you'll be putting her on the defensive. She sounds like a defensive person. And believe me, I KNOW defensive! I'm defensive and my husband is defensive. It's one of the personality traits that I work on all the time. (He doesn't. If you tell him he's defensive, he'll immediately say "no I'm not". Thereby proving my point.)

If she tells you that she hung up on someone because they got into a fight, maybe ask her what happened after she hung up. Then try to get her to see how hanging up isn't resolving anything, just making matters worse. But do it without seeming like you're criticizng her.

Some people make conversations a lot of work. As I said with my husband, he's very defensive and also he's sensitive. So I really have to think about what I'm going to say. Because if I just blurt out what I'm thinking, it's always bad. Sometimes it seems like so much work that I don't say anything, then nothing gets resolved.