What would you do?

Charlene,

I understand how you feel but you need to step back and think things through very carefully before taking any kind of action. You cannot reason with someone who is irrational and there's no use in trying. Your intervention might even escalate the problem.

We had a similar situation to contend with a few years ago. My DH is a doctor and one of his patients became completely infatuated with him. We have an unlisted phone number but she managed to sneak behind the desk of a busy nurses station and find our home number and his pager number on a rolodex.

We handled the problem in stages. First, my DH told her she was behaving in a manner that was inappropriate and if it didn't stop he would no longer be able to be her doctor (actually her child's doctor). When that didn't work, my DH followed through and had her transferred to another doctor in his group. When she continued to pester him, she was asked to come into the office for a meeting where she was confronted by my DH, the office manager, and security. This finally put an end to it.

My recommendation (and I'm NOT an expert--this is just my opinion) is that your DH should confront her in the presence of a witness. I think you should change your phone number (home and cell) and get an unlisted number, or at least get caller ID and voice mail and just don't pick up if/when she calls. If these efforts fail, then get a restraining order. You have to be careful and think things through. Whatever you do, don't act out of emotion because that will only make her feel empowered.
 
bjammin13 - I'm not offened at all. I just really needed to get this off my chest and I am so grateful that everyone has been so supportive!!!
I totally agree with everyone that my husband need to basically tell her to get lost and stop with the calls/text messages. I will talk to him again tonight and remind him that our marriage is the priority not worrying about anyone's feelings. He did ask me if I wanted to change his cell phone number but I didn't think it would get to this. I think that may be our next step.
 
Have you saved any of her text messages or call histories? Just in case she does NOT go away, you may want to have a record of how much she contacts him and what she says. I'm not sure how that would work if you changed the cell number. Not looking to start trouble or anything, but if it came down to it, you want to make sure you are keeping a trail of the "evidence."

BTW, I think I would beat the woman senseless, personally. }(

Good luck!
Marie
 
Even if the phone number is changed, your DH can't feel bad and to "be nice" give her the number. If he is having a hard time confronting her because of his personality, this will be hard too.

Sounds kinda Fatal Attraction.....

If it is a real safety issue that is one thing. But, if your husband is truly sending out the vibe and verbally stating he is not interested, eventually she will get it.

I don't want this to come out wrong, but something must of hinted to this woman that there was a possibility for more than friendship. I would be suspicious, if it were me. Or maybe I just am very untrusting. Either this woman is truly psycho or your husband is not behaving/talking in a manner to this woman that really tells her he is not interested...

I hope you find resolution.
 
Oh yeah, like Marie said, I'd start tracking the crazy activity too so you have proof.....

And too...I don't think it would matter if you confronted her. How would that change her behavior. I'd want to talk with her though just to make sure that hubby WAS telling her to kiss off. Get both sides of the story, you know???
 
Everyone does have good points and I do wonder what is being or not being said since she just won't go away. I'm not afraid to talk to her. I'd love to tell her off but I feel if does need to come from him. What I should do is have him call her in front of me so I know exactly what is being said and in what tone.
 
>Well, she is obviously a total nutcase. I'm not sure
>confronting her is going to do you any good since she will
>probably hang up on you, BUT your husband needs to have a
>direct conversation with her, which includes (1) I am not
>interested in you, (2) my wife knows everything, and (3) if
>you continue to call me, I am going to press charges for
>harassment.
>
>Seriously, I think I would have a problem with how he is
>responding in this situation. I don't think he is necessarily
>encouraging her, but he is obviously not discouraging her,
>either.
>
>Then if she continues to call, press charges.
>
>I'd be so furious, though, I have to tell you!
>
>Good luck,
>Marie

I totally agree with what Marie said. He needs to put his foot down and stop this whole thing. He must be amused by it but enough is enough. Time to put a stop to it.
 
FWIW I think you SHOULD let him handle it. It's his so-called friend and HE should be the one to deal with her. I don't agree with the wife or husband getting involved unless it's a matter of protecting your mate's personal safety or something along those lines. It's hard to say if you are over-reacting as I've never been in that situation before but a part of me says heck...if he is on the up and up, hasn't done anything "wrong" and really wants this chick to go away then take it as a compliment that you have yourself one heck of a great guy there!:+
 
Lots of things to consider here - first your DH has to work with her. I like the idea of getting his HR dept involved as she may just claim that he was the one harrassing her if she decides to get vindictive. Plus, documenting the harrassment - this way if you have to press charges (or worse, create a defense for DH) you'll have evidence.

Plus DH may be enjoying the attention. I mean really, it is flattering to know that someone besides your spouse finds you attractive. And the fact that it gets you even furthers the flattery. I'd have a serious talk to DH about his response. And he needs to act ASAP. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop.

Good luck!



"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Satchel Paige
 
Charlene,

Just out of curiosity, did you find it odd when they became friends? I may be too uptight but I think I would find it strange if DH developed a friendship with a woman at work that was so deep that she would be calling him to just chat, even as a friend. Most of the men I know don't just chat on the phone, with anyone, you know? Also, did he tell you when she started in with the lovey dovey stuff or did you find out on your own? None of this is any of my business, really, so feel free to tell me so! I've just been thinking of you while stripping wall paper and these questions popped into my head.

I totally agree with everyone who says this thing needs to end NOW.
Get medieval on DH if you need to, just make sure he gets it done.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
So obviously this post has really struck a nerve with some of us, otherwise we wouldn't keep posting long after we've given useful advice. :) However, I admit that like Sparrow, I was just sitting outside with the dog with our feet in the pool and I wondered if he told you that she was out of line, or did you find out on your own?

Sometimes I wonder if I am insecure or have just had bad experiences, but I'd be so leery of my SO developing that kind of relationship with another woman. Like I said, in my experience it doesn't get anyone anywhere good. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones. (Not suggesting he was having one, just thinking back on my ex-husband and his "good friend" who shared a desk with him at work, started calling him regularly, etc. He would never admit there was anything inappropriate going on but when she got married, her husband put his foot down, too.)

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but I do think this begets the question - is it asking for trouble to strike up close friendships with the opposite sex when you're already involved? I guess I would feel (and did feel, I should say) like there was something missing from the relationship that he had to get from someone else.

Anyway, you'll have to let us know what happens. Like Sparrow said, we're all for the medieval approach. }(

Marie
 
Hi Marie. I love reading your posts and normally do agree with you but now I actually find myself disagreeing! Respectfully, ofcourse! :)

Here's my take...Just because you have made a new friend, does not have to reflect in any way upon your partner and your relationship. To me, a friend is a friend no matter male or female and if the person is TRULY JUST A FRIEND then there should be no issue. I have many male friends which I have kept through various relationships and now a marriage. I refuse to trash these friendships and I have always made that clear. By the same token, though I am not out SEARCHING for a new male friend...if I happen to "make a friend" who happens to be male then so be it. Same goes for my SO who has many female friends. If he happens upon a new friendship with a female that's great. We trust eachother and if the trust is broken, it will be dealt with. To me, nothing can be gained from being jealous and controlling over your SO. I know from experience...I used to be that way and it ruined our relationship! I also experienced life with a jealous man and that did not work out either-it's ashame too because in every other way we were quite a good match!

JMO!:+
 
*grabs wendy & does a little jig*



“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”--Ellen Degeneres
 
I have to agree with Deanna, Janice, and Sparrow's line of thinking on this...it strikes me as rather suspicious. Personally, I would try to make a verbal confrontation happen and go from there.
 
My DH would call her a "bunny killer"!

Elainee- you wouldn't be Polish, by any chance?

Anyway, I am sorry that you are having to go through this, I really think that you and your husband need to take precautions that she doesn't come back with 'sexual harrassment'.

Good Luck, though!
 
I totally agree with what everyone has posted and I am so thankful for all your honesty and advice. Yes, I have confronted him about her and if anything more happened. He said no and that they were just friends, shared some of the same interests and worked together. I have to take him on his word as I have no reason no to. I don't know what her thinking is since she's known from day one that he is married and has two small children.
I spoke with my husband at lunch today and told him how much this was still bothering me and that if he respected me and our marriage that we needed to tell her to stop all contact with him. He agreed fully. I said if I ever see her number on his phone again I will handle the situation myself.

Thanks again, laides. I wish I could reach out and give you all a great big hug. You've been so supportive and I really needed it!!!
 
Wendy, you're ever the voice of reason! We will agree to disagree on this one, but if YOU want to be friends with my SO, I will be very happy to have you! :7 :7 :7

Marie
 
This happened to me a couple years ago - DH developed a friendship with a customer that started out occasional and platonic. At first, I really didn't mind because I was having medical problems (and didn't feel like giving him a lot of attention, to be honest) and he was stressed and going through a mid-life thing. He always told me when they talked on the phone and what they said, and appreciated my understanding.

Then one day his cell phone bill arrived. It was so thick they had to mail it in a manilla envelope!!!! I was, of course, very suspicious then and started wondering about every little thing he did. Once DH realized that it was affected me and our marriage, he cooled things down with her. And in the beginning, I honestly think she had the intentions of being just friends with him, but then her feelings for him increased and started crossing the platonic line. DH saw this and finally ended things for good. It was hard for him because he thought she was such a neat person - heck, last year she was named Volunteer of the Year in our city!

Ironically, he just found out that she got into a bad relationship with a man who emotionally beat her down and she's now in a clinic for severe anorexia. Her medical bills are racking up and she was about to sell her house in a panic. DH (with my approval) said he would point her in the direction of someone who could get her a loan, and give her moral support. But he's very careful because he wonders if she could take it to be more in her vulnerable condition. I feel bad for her now - she was a very dynamic go-getter and now she has all these self doubts.

I didn't mean to write so much (but maybe that's because I've never told anyone about this - not something I want our casual friends to know about!). I think my point was ;-) that your husband shouldn't let anything jeapordize your marriage and take a strong stance if need be. I believe friendships are fine as long as they don't threaten a spouse.
 
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