What would you do?--Wedding Etiquette

pippa

pippa

Cathlete
A colleague of my husband got married close to two months ago. He and my husband work together but are also fairly good friends outside of work. His wife is Brazilian and the wedding took place in Brazil. Obviously, between the airline tickets, visa, hotel, meals, etc., it was a fairly expensive trip and of course, we still bought them a wedding present and a pretty nice one at that.

Last night I was casually remarking to my husband that it has been close to two months and I still haven't received a thank you note. My husband remarked that he thought that it has been a little longer than he anticipated(especially given that his wife doesn't work)but that he was sure we would receive one soon.

Now, this morning, my husband was checking our credit card statement online and happened to notice a large refund from the store where we purchased their wedding present. In fact, it was a refund in the exact amount of the gift. Being that I don't usually shop there it was very clear that they must have returned our gift. I wouldn't have any issue with them returning the giftper se(they are both *older*...as in they have both lived on their own for a long time and I'm sure they didn't NEED most of what they registered for)but for us to have gotten a refund seems incredibly rude to me. Usually when you return a gift you get a store credit unless you specifically request the money to be refunded to the purchaser.

So, now I feel like we have essentially not given them any gift. And I just can't believe how rude I think this is. I don't understand, do they think we weren't going to realize that we had received the refund? Are they not going to even send us a thank-you card since they returned the gift? My husband and this guy see each other every day, could he not have said anything to my husband ahead of time? Why couldn't they just accept a store credit? Even if they weren't ever going to use it, to have our gift refunded just seems excessively rude to me, especially given that we spent a lot of time and money on attending their wedding.

My DH thinks we just can't do anything about and I should just let it go. I guess I sort of agree as I think saying anything would be sort of awkward. However, I feel like I can't just let this sort of disrespectful behaviour go unmentioned.

Do you think there is any way to tactfully mention this to them?

Any input is welcome! Thanks and sorry this is so long, I guess I just need to vent...:)
 
That does sound pretty tacky.

I have a cousin who had a very elaborate wedding and never sent out thank you cards. When the other relatives asked her why she didn't send them, she replied that she thanked everyone at the reception and since there were so many guests she just couldn't do it (yet, she was able to send out the invitations--right?)
I just shake my head...

I don't know how to tactfully handle the situation either.

Keli
 
I kind of side with your husband on this one only that I hope it isn't such a big deal to you that you end up not having the couple as friends any more. I agree, it's strange how the entire thing ended up!! Sounds like you are offended on two levels: the thank you and the gift return.

We have given many gifts and not received thank yous for. I would let that slide waaaay past me and move on. (If you gave the gift in order to get the thank you, what does that say?)

As for the refund, that's just WACKY to have had it appear back on your card. How do they even *do* that?? But in any case, they returned it and you're okay with that, right? It's just the fact you got a refund that is **so** strange.

So what I think I would do in this case would be to send *them* a card, perhaps on their 3-month anniversary or something telling them you were thinking of their wedding, you thought it was fun, etc. Then add a PS "we saw a refund on our card, sorry you didn't like our gift, we tried!" or something. :p ;) My DH might cringe a little, but hey. ;-)
 
There seems to be no way to address this without making yourself seem very needy (I don't think you should send them an anniversary card mentioning the return) or without making the situation worse than it is.

You are dealing across cultures here and with the main connection between you all being men. Men do not follow the rules of social etiquette as regards weddings and thank you notes as we women do. That doesn't mean that I don't think they should be more sensitive and more aware. So, don't expect any thank yous to come from the man and at his instigation. Don't hold your breath. And in Brazil, I have no idea what the convention is.

As far as I am concerned, you did your absolute best to wish this couple a happy life. You spent a whole ton of money on travelling to their wedding, that is more than enough. I would view the return as a happy event for you: you now have extra money to put down on the STS pre-order here on Cathe's site.

They don't want your money or nice gift? Screw them! Spend it on yourself. You deserve it for even caring about this couple. And personally, I would not begrudge you at all if you couldn't help yourself from becoming a little "cool" in your relationship with these people. They are insensitive and people reveal their true natures by what they do as much as by what they say. Or in this case, by their failure to do the right thing.

Now, move on.

Clare
 
I'm not overly mad about the thank-you card. I mean, I certainly think it's rude but it doesn't bother me that much. I'm more angry about the card in connection to the gift. As in, they returned my gift so they think they don't owe me the card acknowledging my effort.

And, no, I don't mind that they returned the gift. I certainly returned plenty after my wedding, but those people whose gifts I returned would also have no idea that I made the return. I went to the store, returned their gift, received a store credit and used it to purchase something else. I think that seems like proper etiquette. In this situation, to return my gift and tell the store to refund the money to me is almost like saying they don't want to ACCEPT a gift from me. While I realize that is not the case, I guess I just don't see how THEY didn't realize that would be the impression they were giving. I think the least they could have done was just take a store credit and never mention anything else.

I know that ultimately we aren't going to do/say anything about it. It just really bother me that adults seem to think this is okay behaviour.:-(
 
I couldn't agree with you more, Pippa! "I just don't see how THEY didn't realize that would be the impression they were giving"
 
Different approach, but....

1) Believe it or not, I had always heard that proper wedding etiquette is that the thank you must be sent out within one year after the wedding. I just looked it up in Emily Post's Etiquette book and it said 3 months. Certainly reasonable for a gal that isn't working and doesn't have kids.

2) Any chance there could be an error on that return? Maybe they meant to get a credit and someone the store screwed up!? They may or may not even know it yet. Certainly if that was the case and they find out, they may be embarassed to bring it up. Or when they went to return it and that happened before the store fixed maybe they decided to leave it that way b/c it was already on your card?

3) Maybe given all the money that you spent on the wedding, travel, etc., they planned to return all gits and send a polite note saying that your presence was enough of a present (though in this case they ought to have sent the note first).

Just a few possibilties to consider!
 
Scratch your head, shrug your shoulders, and forget about it. Who knows what social etiquette is in Brazil, or if the store made a mistake. What good does it do to be bothered by it?

And there is no way to bring up the subject of not getting a thank-you card without breaching etiquette yourself.

I hope you had an enjoyable trip to Brazil and many happy memories there.

But really, move on...

Diane
 
I agree with Christine, that you might want to make sure the store didn't somehow screw up with your credit card. Things like that do happen on occasion.

And it irks me no end when people don't send thank-you notes for wedding giftsx(

Maggie:)
 
Pippa, it really sounds like a mistake made by the store. I'm sure your friends were trying to return it for store credit or cash and the store mistakenly credited your credit card. Maybe the store did both, gave them store credit AND credited your card. Sales clerks do dopey things all the time.

ETA: You actually attended the wedding in Brazil? It's possible they are returning all gifts from those who attended because they think you spent enough. I could see myself doing something like that, though of course I would mention it.

Bottom line: I would give them the benefit of the doubt. You may receive a very nice card explaining everything, or maybe it was just a mistake by the store. I wouldn't let it affect your friendship.
 
We received a Christmas gift one year from my sister-in-law. It was a nice gift and we appreciated it, but we had bought one just a month earlier on a Day After Thanksgiving sale. So we didn't need the gift they gave us. We attempted to return this to the store and were told we could NOT be given store credit that we HAD to have the refund put back on my sil's cc. It was the weirdest thing. We don't buy gifts from this company anymore. If we want to give a gift to this store, we give gift cards, but we usually just don't bother.

They might just have not had any choice and feel weird telling you and asking for their gift back.

As for the thank you card, do you know others that have gotten a thank you card? Maybe she just hasn't done them yet or yours got lost in the mail. Or maybe she won't do them. I didn't after my wedding, but we got married overseas with very few people in attendance. They all got personal thank yous.

April
 
Thank you to everyone that replied. DH and I have decided to just make the assumption that someone at the store must have screwed up and given us a refund instead of giving them a store credit(or maybe did both...either way...someone unintentionally messed up.)

The groom in this scenario is totally the type of person to just sort of assume that we had to spend enough money traveling, etc., that a gift was unnecessary and, being that they are fairly well-off, I can believe that he may have felt uncomfortable with the idea of just keeping our money via store credit. While I don't have any problem with that in theory, I would have appreciated him saying something ahead of time and not finding out by looking at my credit card statement. As I said, I don't believe that they were ever intentionally trying to either hurt our feelings or be rude.

As for the the thank-you card, I don't know if anyone else has received one. Being that their wedding was almost two months ago it just sometimes crosses my mind(I am in no way obsessing over this card and I will be more patient now that I know the 'three month rule'...thanks, Christine!:) )

I think at the end of the day my two gripes are:

1. If they knowingly returned the gift with the intent of us getting a refund, I think they should have said something ahead of time.

2. If they aren't sending us a thank-you note BECAUSE they returned the gift and intentionally asked for a refund so they, therefore, think no thank-you is needed.

DH and I will just move forward assuming everything is on the up and up.

Thanks again for all the replies!:)
 
I agree with most who said you need to give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't stress about not getting a thank you as not enough time has passed to assume you won't be getting one. The benefit of the doubt would be that either the store refused to give them store credit (making it awkward for them to broach the subject with you especially given all that you spent to attend) or else the store screwed up.

How about you phone them or drop a note mentioning that you noticed the credit on your account and wondered if the store didn't offer them in-store credit or perhaps made a mistake? You could offer to purchase them something else or send a gift card, stating you still wish to celebrate their marriage with a gift. They could then thank you for your kindness and accept without feeling awkward, or could politely decline your generosity, stating that they felt your presence was the true gift. Either way, you would come out looking like a very generous, kind-hearted person! And there would be no underlying feelings or mistaken assumptions (on either side) had you just let the matter drop not knowing why it happened.
 
Maybe they didn't know the gift was from you. After my wedding, I remember getting some gifts switched up and I wasn't sure who gave me a few gifts (I eventually figured it out after some stressful days). I don't think the gift receipt gives the name of the person who bought you the gift either. Maybe it was an honest mistake?

Carolyn
 
i haven't read anything above but i am wondering if the wife was actually trying to be nice. knowing that you traveled so far and spent so much. maybe she was trying to refund it to you because, like you said, they are older and probably didn't need it and you had already spent so much. tacky? maybe. but, maybe with good intentions?

also, maybe it is a cultural thing?
 
As a Brazilian who had a wedding in Brazil and one in USA, I would like to say that if they just returned you gift, that's really rude.But it could just be a mistake made by the store (and you won't know unless you ask you husband's friend).
As far as thank you cards, we do not do that in Brazil. You may think it's rude, but it's just different and we don't do it.So don't be waiting for one. I sent thank you cards to all the USA people who attended my wedding here, because I knew it was the right thing to do. But maybe this lady does not know that.

just my 2 cents.

Alini
 
I like Amy's suggestion. I couldn't let this go until I got to the bottom of it. Then you will know, call the store and ask about the "credit" before speaking to the couple though.
 
Not to belittle your concerns Pippa (my feelings would be a tad hurt too) but isn't there enough in life to stress about? You did the right thing and more than likely this is a mix up but if it isn't, so what.

If it bothers you that much (again, I can relate) I would recommend sending a nice donation to your favorite charity and sending them a note letting them know a donation was made in their honor. I think a donation is nice thing to do because no matter what, it will make YOU feel better for doing something so kind to someone who needs it more than they do.
 
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