What kind of friend am I? Long

S

sunshinegirl

Cathlete
Okay, heres the deal. I was working out with my neighbor...she is also my best friend. We were using her air conditioned garage. We are both in our mid 30's. I have 2 children and she has a one year old baby. It's not easy on her with the baby so I worked around her schedule. If she was tired because of the baby then we would exercise in the evening otherwise she wanted to do mornings. I tried my best to make it convenient for her but I don't think she had any consideration for me. Oh did I mention that I also work full time and she is a stay at home mom...not that a stay at home mom has it easy mind you.

Well slowly she started coming up with excuses and wanted to cut our workouts short. If she decided she didn't want to finish a video then she would look at me like I shouldn't either. So I would leave and end up going for a run or doing some extra at home. Several mornings I showed up dressed ready to exercise and she wouldn't be out of bed yet. So she started saying that she would call me when she was dress and ready in the morning. I would get ready and wait. Finally when she did call, it was to cancel. That left me hanging because at that point it became too late and I had to wait until after work. Well living in California it's hot in the afternoon and evening. So I would be out in my hot garage (actually got very sick one time) exercising.

Finally I told her that I needed to stick with mornings because I couldn't take the heat in my garage. I told her to call me the night before if she wanted to exercise. We had both purchased dvd's so I left her most of them and took only Cathe's ;-) A month went by and she didn't exercise so I had hubby add plywood over the concrete floor and added carpet. My garage has become my sanctuary. It's set up how I want it. Because I only had Cathe for awhile I discovered a love for weight training. (She never wanted to do Cathe dvds..too hard) I added more dumbbells, got a barbell, purchased some additional dvd's and of course I found all of you other crazy workout people :D

My husband keeps saying that I'm not being a good friend because I don't try to get her to exercise with me. She needs to lose weight. Her husband even asked me to try. Well hello, I'm not her keeper. She needs to do it for herself and not find excuses. I could easily find excuses but I've decided to make exercise a priority in my life. I like exercising in my garage..even with no air conditioner....had to pre-order STS instead :p I like working hard and don't want to start over with her. Is this selfish of me?

I don't feel like she ever considered what my day is like. Getting the kids off to school, work, homework help, running kids to sports, dinner and dishes, cleaning house. It was always about how bad a day she had with the baby. How she didn't even have time to get her house cleaned. Well I say buck up, I'm tired of hearing it! Hubby says I have a bad attitude and that she needs my help. Well I've worked hard to lose weight and as I get closer to goal maybe I have become more selfish. As you all know, it's hard work!! It's sweating and pushing through the pain and not making excuses.

I keep going round and round with this. Should I give up some of what I want and try to help her? She is my friend. When I talked to her last weekend she did say she really wanted to start exercising again but I didn't say anything back. I didn't know how to tell her that I've totally changed how I exercise and don't want to go backwards. Honestly, I love her but I don't want to exercise with her. Oh I'm a bad friend ;(
 
I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I would just tell her what you told us. (wow, that sounds dear abby-ish) And that if she wants to join you, you workout in your garage at whatever time you do, and she is welcome to come on over if she is feeling up to it that day. Tell her you have moved on to more advanced workouts, but if she can let you know when she's coming by (perhaps the night before) you can use that day as a light or easier day. And tell her if she consistantly keeps breaking dates,or showing up late then she can't come play any more.

It's a 2 way street. Extend your hand to help her as your hubby, her hubby and she seem to be wanting you do to. If she doesn't take it, that is not your problem. You can't totally interrupt your schedule be missing workouts and working out in a hot hot garage because she stands you up at the last minute. I know she's busy and probably overwhelmed as a new mom, but as you stated you have kids and work, so you're just as busy, and your time is just as important as hers. If she really is serious, she will show up, and eventually she will be able to do your Cathe's with you.

Nan
 
Oh no, you are not a bad friend! In fact, I think it's the other way around...she kinda left you hanging. Obviously your routine worked at first for the two of you, but you really prioritized your time and exercising was important to you. Don't feel bad about that or let others make you feel bad about making YOUR health and fitness a priority because no one else is going to do it for you! It sounds like your friend might want to get back on the wagon again, and that's great. But I wouldn't put yourself out there and make yourself so available. It sounds like you are more advanced and there's no reason to go back to square one and start over with her. If you have a rest day or light workout day planned, maybe coordinate a workout with her on that day. That way you can still workout and boost the friendship, but still keep your health and fitness priorities straight!
 
You definately have a dilemma - I have been there. I would explain to her how you feel you are on different fitness levels and want to work out with Cathe, but still want to support her as well. If she is truly going to be dedicated to working out maybe pick two days of the week to have workouts together, like Tuesday and Thursday. If she decides not to do it, tell her you would appreciate it if she gave you notice and canceled the night before. That way, even if one of your days falls through with her you are still getting other good workouts. Good luck with it!
 
One thing I don't like to do is count on somebody else to workout with. It never works out.

I think you should do your own workouts. If she does want to workout with you, at least consider the workout you do with her a bonus, not your main one. This way if she bails you have already gotten yours in and done in the morning.

A group of women in my neighborhood have started walking. One group is at 6:00am and they walk about 4-5 miles 3 days a week. The next one is at 8:00pm. I'm the person who keeps the pace up, so I feel I must be there especially for the 6:00am crowd. I don't do the evening one if I do the morning walk. I consider these a bonus burn for the day, not my main workout.

Don't feel guilty, afterall she is making you work around her schedule. Her schedule doesn't work for you...that's all.

Namita
 
Don't feel guilty. You made yourself available but she did not want to follow through. She says that she wants to start exercising again but that doesn't mean that she WILL.

Maybe the two of you can go walking in the evening? That way she will be getting some exercising (she can push a stroller) and you two can visit. It might be her main workout and more of a stress release from the day for you. Just a suggestion.
 
Thats a good idea to offer to walk with her in the evening or do some other kind of exercise outside of my normal workout. I think that's what I'll do. If she wants the help then great, if not at least I tried. I really do care about her.
 
I don't think you are a bad friend. I love the idea of going on a walk in the night with her. Also, you could maybe do some yoga or pilates too. That way it would just be bonus extra work for you on top of your morning workout and something that she might enjoy when you get together at night.
 
I think that exercise is waaay to important to waste time on someone who clearly isn't that into it.

I think that you should work out for yourself in your garage at your own pace and level. You can be an encouragement to her in other ways.

I don't think you are selfish. I think your friend sounds a little inconsiderate and manipulative. I can't fathom your dh thinking you have a bad attitude when this woman is really not serious about exercise.

If she wants to start working out again, she can do it on her own with your encouragement. She does not need you there--that's what the videos are for. Maybe someday if her attitude about working out really changes, you can start working out with her again in a productive way.

Wow--I'm cross and bitchy just thinking about this situation}( }( }( . Tells you something about how important my workouts are for me, eh?

Maggie:)
 
Maggie LOL :D

It's all about having a routine...something she is lacking. The baby has no regular nap or bed times....dinner for them is whenever. I can't live my life like that. I just wouldn't be able to fit everything in.

I will offer to walk with her but if I end up standing in front of her house with my walking shoes on and she flakes...well that's it!
 
Honestly--I think you are very kind to be so patient with her and try the walking thing:). I hope it works out with her and if not, you've still got your routine which does not depend on her.

Maggie:)
 
I tried at one time to encourage my SIL and MIL to workout with weights for 15 minutes a day 3x/week. I just wanted to get something started. They both are so into the dieting thing, cutting out sugar or carbs, whatever, and it never works (of course!) I would drive over and meet them and it was so hard b/c they were not into it at all. I don't even want to get started on the whole thing. I can somewhat relate and it is so frustrating. I'm sorry you feel so in the middle of helping your friend w/out sacrificing your workouts, with the added pressure of what the DHs think you should do.

You sound like a GREAT friend. Unfortunately, the time just might not be right for your friend. Maybe when the babe starts sleeping more and she has more of a schedule!?!?!

Good Luck,
Mary
 
As you can probably see, we've all been in close situations like yours. It's incredibly hard, I think. I'm also a trainer and so my sister asked me to train her. She lives 4 hours away but wanted me to make workouts for her to do as a birthday gift.

I told her she needed to prepare herself because I would expect her to lift weights waay heavier than her current 2lb-ers. (I think at that time I *may* have said that people have heavier toenails, oops...) But so then she got sooo mad at me I figured out she wasn't really into it, or wasn't willing to do what I said at least.

I wouldn't be able to train someone like that and would in fact fire them as a client, so I just backed off and will only now respond to her questions, rather than offer my opinions.

In terms of being a friend, I think you're doing okay so long as you try not to let your frustration re: her being a SAHM and you working full time get in the way of your friendship; you probably know, but you're both doing the best you can.

So, I wouldn't worry too much about trying to let her hang onto you while you exercise and I would work to keep your time exercising for YOU, but I love the idea of walking with her!!! :)
 
Loads of good ideas and no, you are not a bad friend.

Maybe DH needs to have someone cave on a sports game a few times in a row to see how it works?:p

I was going to suggest that you could possibly save your cardio days to try to work out with her - that would be a little more than a walk in the evenings.

Good luck in making it work for both of you.
 
I don't think you are being a bad friend at all. I have an overweight friend who I've been encouraging to exercise for oh, about 5 years. She constantly starts and then stops again after a few weeks. As we all know, the stop and start approach doesn't get you anywhere. I worry about her developing health problems due to her weight and lack of exercise. ButI think it's like dealing with an alcoholic or a drug addict in a way, you can tell them how you feel and that you want to help but in the end, that person has to make the decision to do it themselves. They have to WANT to do it, pushing, nudging, etc. just doesn't work.

Just let her know you're still doing your thing in your garage now and if she's ever up for it, she's welcome to join you and you can just treat it as a light day. But convincing someone else, even your best friend, to give a damn about her physical well being is NOT your responsiblity! When/if she's ever REALLY ready to do it, she will. And she will probably call you for help at that time since she knows you've already pushed past the hardest part -- making the committment to DO IT.
 
I agree with all posters here. Walk with her if you like or offer her to come workout with you if she gives a heads up. My neighbor is my best friend and we like to walk in the evenings. Shes the kinda gal that only likes to do yoga/walking for fitness. Surprizingly she looks fabulous anyway lol. Well thats not enough for me of course so I do my workouts prior to our walks.. and really I'm walking more to hang out than for the exercise. I enjoy the fresh air also. I've told her about my w/o DVDs and she has no interest. Oh well...
 
Do you think your friend might be suffering from postpartum depression? Was she like this before she had her child? By your description, it sounds as if working out isn't the only thing she's given up on. I would keep the lines of communication open but, aside from walking (an excellent idea), I'd just be a friend and keep exercise out of it. I think your friend's exercise habits, in light of her apparent loss of interest in anything, is the last thing anyone should be concerned with. The fact that her husband is trying to keep you involved in his wife's life is telling.
 
Seems to me you gave your friend plenty of chances to exercise with you. You can only do so much. You should not have to constantly miss work outs or do easier ones to suit her all of the time. Yes you are good friends but that doesn't mean you need to or should do EVERYTHING together. You 2 are not an exercise match right now and shouldn't try to force it or you could ruin your friendship.

Just my 2 cents!:)
 
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