Wedding invite question - your opinion

I did not give my opinnion in my first post as to wether the bride's decison was "rude" or not...only because I don't think it's of any consequence at this point but since others are stating what they think, I might as well throw in my 2 cents on the matter! ;-)

I must say that I tend to agree with those that feel it's not a big deal. Weddings are expensive and the couple should not have to compromise thier "dream day" to satisfy every single guest or guest's s/o. For all any of us know they had already cut back on a lot of things in order to save $$ but it just wasn't enough and this was the last thing they could do. I don't feel it's fair to judge this poor girl on her decision based on what little we know.

In any case, right or wrong, what's done is done and I still don't think she should "NOT ALLOW" her B/F to go. Relationships are not about control. He needs to decide for himself what he wants to do. Ofcourse she has the right to disagree with him, etc, but to say he is not allowed to go or even to just try to talk him out of it because she was not invited is not cool. Not in my opinnion anyway.

JMHO! :)

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN

http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img]
EDD: 05/19/05
 
I think Dani's quoted etiquette is right. A partner in a long-term relationship should be treated like a spouse. You don't have to allow everyone to bring a guest, but if someone is in a long-standing relationship, I think it is important to invite the SO. If money is tight, you may have to eliminate some couples, but I would never try to save money by splitting up a couple.

If they were my friends, I'd be pissed off.
 
Oh, well, that is a good point about it being a significantly long term relationship and therefore equal to a marriage in this context. However, I can see some people on the guest list (possibly) being offended if someone's long term 6 or 8 year relationship was included but not a 4 year relationship...or a 2 year relationship. Or a live in relationship of recent turn of events. What do you do then? I can see the bride drawing the line at married partners and that's it. Tough decision for her, to be sure. I think I can say, "He should go, sincerely wish them well, throw rice" ....while at the same time saying "If I were the bride, I would not have made the same decision in this situation." You know?

Jen
 
I still think the BF should go to the ceremony only....throw the rice, wish them well and then skip the reception. He should then go home and take his lovely GF out for dinner & dancing.

It's not about controlling him like Wendy posted below, it's the right thing to do IMO. She should definitely tell her BF how she feels, then leave it up to him. Relationships are not about control, that is right....but also, they *are* about respecting your SO's feelings. I think her feelings should be more important than the girl who is getting married. Disrespecting your SO's feelings is *not* cool to me.

DH wouldn't want to go without me anyway so it wouldn't be an issue. But if he did, I'd just tell him it was up to him. I would still be put off that I wasn't invited. Knowing DH he'd be put off too and wouldn't go.

:p
 
I am in total agreement with Conni. It really isn't about you. It's her day and financial straits are really no joke.

Clare
 
IMHO, I would try not to be offended by this. We had to sacrifice inviting some couples we wanted at our wedding because my DH and I paid for the reception ourselves and had a tight budget at the time. I'm sure she has thought long and hard about this decision and probably feels bad about having to make it. I say let your BF go and enjoy himself without guilt. He is celebrating a friend of his and probably one of the most important days of her life. Have a girls night out with some of your friends that night.

Katie
 
Replies from theknot! :)

I hope you don't mind Christine but I posted your question (anonymously) on theknot.com message boards so you can get some perspective from other brides who are planning or have just planned their weddings. By the way... "FI" is short for fiance on the knot. :)

Here are the responses. Good luck to you! :)

REPLIES:
From: prosan98, 3/29/2005 at 3:41 pm

We are not inviting random guests to our wedding. That is, if we had a name to put on the invitation, then the person's SO was invited. If they were not dating someone seriously enough for us to have a name, then no guest. I think that if someone has a SO (and that means SIGNIFICANT other) then they need to be invited. ESPECIALLY if the person is married, but even if it's just a relationship, I think it's the right thing to do.


From: chickaboo1974, 3/29/2005 at 3:45 pm

Well I would be upset too... heck I was upset last week when FI receive an wedding invite from a close friend of his (who I have known for 2 years), addressed to Mr. Jack B and guest.....Well Fi's name is John and excuse me but I just sent you and your FI a wedding invite including her kids... using their names two weeks before this and you guys live together but you still can't put my name on the flipping invitation!!!! Oh yeah our weddings are on the same day....


From: J&D05, 3/29/2005 at 3:45 pm

Hard to say. It depends on whose wedding it was. In most cases, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't ask him not to go without me. In most cases, I think he wouldn't go without me, but that's up to him.

I'm not interested in evaluating how serious other people's relationships are. Everyone is invited with a guest. If we know the name, it'll go on the invite. If not, the guest can bring whomever they like. This was something we agreed on immediately.


From: Smoove, 3/29/2005 at 3:46 pm

Before we were married, DH would have gone without me to support his friend. I would have stayed home, probably in some sort of pissy mood. He would have come home, told me about it in a so matter of fact kind of way, then took me out to dinner or made it up to me on his own.

Now that we are married, he would kindly decline and send a gift (check).


From: Sugah1922, 3/29/2005 at 3:46 pm

Someone's significant other not being invited isn't the way to go quite honestly. And I'm not an etiquette book thumper by any means LOL. For us, only those in serious relationships (i.e. living together, relationships for years not months, etc.) were given a guest. We had a small wedding and did not want a bunch of randome +1's there. Period. We both have pretty small groups of friends, so that whole "they won't have anyone to talk to" thing didn't apply to us.

Anyway...if DH was invited to a wedding solo I'd probably b!tch about it for 5 minutes and then get right over it. However, I'm about 75% sure that DH wouldn't go because he loves to dance and knows that I'll wring his neck for dancing with some random hot heffa. LOL


From: sherms99, 3/29/2005 at 3:51 pm

I would find that rude, especially if we are talking spouses here. Why would you invite someone without there spouse? That doesn't seem right to me. You should invite both of them or not invite the couple at all. They would probably get offended if you did that to them.

As for the SO part...I think if the couple were just casually dating that would be one thing, but this woman knows of her friends GF and knows that the two of them have been together a significant amount of time so it would only be logical to invite the two of them.

My FI would not go without me. He would send a gift and decline the invitation, but if the situation happened and he really wanted to go then I would let him.


From: thatgrrl72, 3/29/2005 at 3:52 pm

I'm with Sugah.

We invited every unmarried friend/relative with a guest. Some of them brought dates and some didn't. I would love to have saved the money, but my DH was once invited to a wedding without me when we were engaged, and it bugged me. I wouldn't want to sit alone at a wedding with a bunch of people I hardly knew, and I wouldn't expect it of anyone else.


From: z_and_y, 3/29/2005 at 3:52 pm

wow! i never thought ppl would not invite their guests' SO's to the wedding. the whole point of the wedding is to share it with friends/family and hope guests are happy... my FI wouldn't be happy if he went to a wedding w/o me because he wasn't "allowed" to bring me.

it sounds like this woman's BF's friend isn't acknowledging their relationship which might be a jealously-thing or maybe she doesn't like his GF... either way, if this guy truly loves his GF, he'll decline...

if the bride and groom can't afford to invite the entire couple, then they need to modify their guest list (all or none), their budget, or their venue...


From: kmrobins03, 3/29/2005 at 3:54 pm

Believe it or not, this happened to me!
A mutual friend from high school got married a few months ago. The invitation was addressed to FI ONLY, not me. (FI and I went to high school together and this mutual friend knew FI and I were dating) Apparently, I was not invited because of some issue that happened our senior year in high school- I received a scholarship over this “mutual friend”.

None less, I was not invited to the wedding. I didn’t care because my family had a big event on the same day. FI went to the wedding; I went to my family event and didn’t care. Lets just say, the “mutual friend” did not get a nice wedding gift. FI wants to invite this “mutual friend” to our wedding. I am definitely putting them on the B list!


From: z_and_y, 3/29/2005 at 3:59 pm

BTW, i wouldn't care if my FI went w/o me, but he would NEVER go without me and he'd be mad at his friend for not acknowledging our relationship -- he's pretty big into the "we're a team" thing -- he goes, i go .. i took him to my cousin's wedding even though he wasn't technically invited (or else I would have had to drive 6 hours by myself in the snow!) and my family had a blast with him!

we're inviting all single people with a guest - i don't want people to feel "singled out" at our wedding, especially if they don't know anyone else, who are they going to talk to, dance with...


From: CheekeyMonkey, 3/29/2005 at 3:59 pm

Hrmmm....no spouses, nothing? No SO's in any way? I am not down with that. I would encourage DH to go if it was important enough to him, but I am not sure that he would go without me. I would never tell DH he couldn't go somewhere without me, it'd be his decision.


From: allisonnderek, 3/29/2005 at 4:03 pm

In her situation, it think the bride's rude and I'd be super pissed if my FI tried to go. THe only way it's okay is if the bride had a strict rule -i.e. spouses only.

We're inviting spouses, cohabitors and LONG-TERM relationships. Like a year or so. I don't want strangers at my weddding- so the general rule is, if I have to write "and guest" then they're not coming. Only people who I know by name- and if I don't know my friends' spouses, people they live together and LTRs, then I'm a bad friend!


From: meska55, 3/29/2005 at 4:08 pm

I would say that if you can't afford to allow your guest to bring their significant other - than that guest shouldn't be invited either. It's selfish to expect them to come to your wedding by themselves so that you can fit everyone you want on your guestlist. There are options to make it work - have a brunch reception or something on a friday or a sunday. If my fiance isn't invited to something - then i don't want to go either. End of story.


From: Slinkyloaf, 3/29/2005 at 4:19 pm

IMO, if it's a well-established couple, they should either invite both or neither. They need to pick a reasonably-priced venue and maybe a short guest list which allows them to include both people. I would be totally offended if I was left off the invite. Not sure if DH would go or not, but I know he'd feel bad that I wasn't invited.


From: Soon_2_B_Mrs.Z, 3/29/2005 at 4:20 pm

Here is my only rule: If you are married or engaged, your spouse or FI is DEFINITELY invited.


From: lisajan, 3/29/2005 at 4:22 pm

I would not go to a wedding without my DH (nor would he go without me) if the other was not invited. I would think it is rude. Casual bf/gf is one thing, but when you have been living with someone for years or when you are married you are a couple and weddings are the kind of social event that you attend together. I understand the costs involved with a wedding but I would much rather not be invited than to be invited without DH.


From: giglgrl, 3/29/2005 at 4:36 pm

If we were married, I would expect an invite......I can understand the budget thing, but I would have made sure that he wanted to still be invited without his grilfriend, since they were living together for so long.....I wouldn't care if he went without me, but I would not think well of them for it.....I have told somepeople upfront that I am asking them alone(none in serious relationships)but if they told me they really wanted to bring a date I would invite one........as to not letting FI or DH do things.....that is crazy...I went to a wedding recently with a good friend of mine because FI just really did not want to go(didn't know them) he was fine with it, as I would be......


From: Eroz, 3/29/2005 at 4:40 pm

I'd be annoyed but let him decide. and if he goes, he goes. You can't control everything. IF FI went to the wedding, I'd have a big ole party with my friends while he's gone. :)


From: DaddysGrl, 3/29/2005 at 4:52 pm

Emily Post says: the only mandatory "and guests" are: enagaged couples, couples who live together, and married couples. And if the invite goes out before someone gets engaged but before the wedding, you are supposed to extend the invitation to the new fiance.
 
RE: Replies from theknot! :)

Dani,
I definately consider you the expert at weddings!!! The response is pretty much unanimous to the post you posted!

since i've been married 14 years as of April 20, i consider myself and expert at going to and helping planning other peoples weddings LOL.
I've been a bridesmaid 11 times :) And a maid of honor once :) :)


christine, you'll have to let us know how this works out!
 
"This girl is someone that I have never met (yet) but someone who he served in the military with and considers himself rather close with."

Just curious...how is it that you've been with your BF 8 years and NEVER met this woman? It seems kind of odd. Perhaps the bride to be isn't aware that you've been a longterm GF?

I'm with those who advise you to let your BF go if he really wants to. It's not worth getting so worked up over, especially if you've never even met her before. It's her wedding and she may invite whomever she wishes, proper etiquette or not. Maybe it was just me, but it sounds like you don't trust your BF. Let him make the decision to go and support him if he does go. It's not that big of a deal in the big scheme of things, ya know? Life will go on. :)
 
RE: Replies from theknot! :)

Thanks wendyjpa!! :) Wow! 11 times a bridesmaid? Yes, you are the expert too! Congrats on your upcoming 14 yr. anniversary!

I talked to DH last night about it and he said he definitely would be offended and would not go. "If you're not invited, then I'm not invited whether we're married or not. If you can't go, I can't go...end of story." Awwww....what a sweetie!
 
While I personally wouldn't be offended by this and would encourage my DH to go without me, I would expect that he not go if I WERE offended. I'm pretty laid-back about things like that. I'd actually relish the idea of an evening home alone! I'd probably take my dd out for a "girls night out" to Chuck E. Cheese or something. Or even better, have her go to my dad's, then go out with some of my girlfriends.
 
I hear you Donna. :7 I agree! I encourage DH to hang out with the guys at least once a week. I do like my nights home alone. I've got to have some me time once in a while. I also like going out with my friends sometimes.

Weddings are different for me and DH though. He'd definitely not want to go to one without me. I wouldn't want to go to one without him.

:)
 
Probably my husband wouldn't want to go without me either. I, on the other hand, would have no problem going without him. I'm much more independent than he is. He wouldn't even go to his niece's birthday party without me last weekend. Of course, it was his niece through his one sister that's a little looney and her husband that he can't stand. And they don't allow beer at their house. God forbid he go somewhere where he can't have a beer!:D
 
>Probably my husband wouldn't want to go without me either.
>I, on the other hand, would have no problem going without him.
> I'm much more independent than he is. He wouldn't even go to
>his niece's birthday party without me last weekend. Of
>course, it was his niece through his one sister that's a
>little looney and her husband that he can't stand. And they
>don't allow beer at their house. God forbid he go somewhere
>where he can't have a beer!:D

Tee-Hee! That's funny Donna! :D
 

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