Update on Splitsville

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
First and foremost - THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN ME THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT I NEEDED FOR THIS! You have no idea how much it helped build my courage and resolve.

Alright - so I told you that I had seen the lawyer on Friday and what she said. He woke up before my daughter and I did on Saturday morning, and initially I was going to put it off until Sunday because I just felt like staying asleep. But then, I got up and went into the room where he was and said, "I've been thinking about this for a long time and we need to get a divorce". His reaction was not surprise. It was pretty much exactly what I expected.

First things out of his mouth were about how I'd have to pay him back money he gave me to pay off my student loan and car loan before we were married. I don't. I didn't ask for that money, I didn't want that money, but he didn't want to have the loans. End of discussion there. He also said I'd have to pay him alimony for a long time. I said, "nope - 2 years". There actually was more discussion about that money for the loans - he accused me of using him for his money. Ha ha! Hilarious, right? I make twice what he does, I didn't know he had any money saved before we were engaged, and I never asked him to pay my loans. Idiot.

Of course, I just chalk that up to him being hurt and lashing out. The discussion then turned to the same old same old. If I just tried and we worked on it together, he knows it will be good again. Never listens to the fact that I have no feelings other than friendship for him. I tell him that yes, people do get back to a good marriage, but they both have to have some love for each other. I don't.

I told him that we need to focus on making it as easy for our daughter as possible, and we need to figure out a way to tell her. So a little while later, she woke up, asked what we were talking about and I said, "nothing" and he said, "not nothing. we're getting divorced." Then she started crying and I had to fix that. Jackass.

I told her I was going to be moving in with my friend, and she got very upset, even though I told her she would be coming there too. She said she wanted me to stay at the house and Daddy should move out.

He and I talked a little more after he was calmed down and I told him that we have to be friendly to each other, even if he can't be friends. He told me that he can't be friendly with someone he "hates" and "doesn't respect". So I asked him why he wants to be married to someone he hates and disrespects, and he couldn't answer. Then he said he would hate me if I didn't try to save the marriage. And proposed a "trial separation". UGH! So, for our daughter's sake, I agreed to a trial separation until May, and then if I don't feel differently, I will begin the legal procedure. This was OK with him...until the next morning. Then he added on that I have to go to this couple's retreat thing for a weekend. I SO don't want to do that, but again...it's only 2 days, and if that's what it takes for him to not be hostile towards me, then I'll do it. It's for my daughter's sake...I really expect nothing to come of it.

I'm hopeful that the separation and time with his brother will show him that it's not as bad as he thinks it will be. He's moving out this weekend. He'll be coming to see her a couple nights a week and then taking her every other weekend, starting next weekend.

My daughter...she's doing OK. She was initially very upset, but was smiling within a half hour. She also seemed pretty excited to share the news with her best friend, whose parents are also divorced. She's her mother's daughter.

One step down....
 
Donna Dear-

You are handling this so well. I have been following your situation and have you in my thoughts. You are doing well in compromising and putting your daughter first. Hug to you dear.

[font color=purple][font size +1]Judy "Likes2bfit"

***The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well.
William Osler

***Eat Food. Not too Much. Mostly plants. Michael Pollan[/font]
 
Oh! Thanks! I just thought of something I wanted to share. After I had gotten my daughter calmed down, I went to take a shower. When I got out, I heard her crying in her bedroom. She was fine when I went up to the shower, so I'm pretty sure my husband had said something to her.

Anyway, I went in and asked her what was wrong and she said (7 years old, remember), "I just...can't...deal with this". And it made me think of my friend Robert, who is a devout Jehovah's Witness and has helped me get through a couple rough patches over the years. So I said to her, "my friend Robert told me once when I thought I couldn't deal with something that God never gives us more than we can handle." and I held her tight, reminded her how strong she is and then taught her the Serenity Prayer and what it means. I told her she needs to take it one day at a time and that there would be some good days and some bad days. On the bad days, she has to remember that she has a lot of people who love her and who will be there to help her.

She has been good since. I'm so proud of her.
 
Donna, what an amazing woman and mother you are. You are handling this with yourself, and your daughter, as wise, mature and respectful as one could hope for. You will all be o.k. Of course there will be some major adjustments on everyone's part but with the mindset that you have, you, your daughter, and your husband, if he so chooses, will be just fine. CONGRATULATIONS for taking this HUGE step. You did it and will be opening up the door for you to get the life that you're looking for. I feel so thrilled for you that you didn't put this off any longer. I know it's not easy but the prayer and wisdom that you shared with your daughter is within you also. You have amazing strength. I hope your shoulders feel a bit lighter.

Many (((((( hugs ))))))!
Bam
 
Donna, I read your other post but never replied. Best of luck to you. You have the right frame of mind in putting your daughter's feelings first and foremost. Divorce is tough, no doubt about it.

Yes, your husband is going to be a jerk. If you were the primary breadwinner, he's facing how his lifestyle is going to change and he's lashing out. Unfortunately, he's going to use your daughter. My boys were 3 and 5 years old when I asked for a divorce and the things my ex said to them (in front of me) would make me cringe. Keep taking the high road. Never say anything bad about your spouse (or ex-spouse) in front of her - regardless of what he says. Trust me, after my 12 years experience as a divorced mom, it's one thing I fervently believe in.

(((((HUGS)))))

Diane
 
Diane - that's one thing I said to him. I told him that if he said anything about me to her, he needs to know that she will tell me. And I told him that even if he does, I will not ever say anything bad about him to her. Of course, he brought up the ONE time I called him a jerk to her....when she was a year old. I'm sure that had a huge impact on her, right? And, BTW...he was being a real jerk that day.

Six years and he still brings that up, even though I apologized for it several times and have never done it again.

I've told her that he is a very good man and that he loves her very much. Even if he really ticks me off...I will still say the same. Because it is the truth. He's just an idiot sometimes. ha ha
 
I'm sorry you're having to go through the pain of this, but sometimes it is necessary. I have been divorced from my daughter's father since 1995 and he's still acting like a jerk. He gave his rights away to our daughter in 2000 and my wonderful sweet adorable husband adopted her the same year. My DD wanted to contact the ex this year though so I let her and he has been "his normal self". While it was very painful for my DD, I think it has resolved stuff for her. I'm sorry things are bad now, but eventually they get better. Time does heal. Just remember it could get worse before it gets better. Hang on and roll with the punches.

:)
 
Donna,

Hugs to you and your DD!

I do have one thing to add regarding one part of your post: you've agreed to a trial separation and a couple's retreat...I have a feeling it won't stop there. When he doesn't get the results he wants from those demands (i.e. you'll fall in love with him and want to save the marriage), he might come up with another demand to prolong the inevitable. Just telling you to be prepared. (But you probably already thought about this...you're one smart cookie!)

I had a friend whose husband kept asking for more time and more counseling and when none of it worked, he actually told his lawyer to tell her that he wouldn't contest the divorce if she promised not to ever marry anyone else! (Ah, she said no to that one...and they did, in fact, get a divorce!)

Good luck to you!
 
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did think of that myself and even said it to him. I said that he agreed to the trial separation, now he wants this retreat, and after the retreat, he'll think of something else. He says that's not what will happen. I won't allow it to happen after, I won't do anything else.

Can you actually put in a divorce agreement that the other person can never get remarried? That dude is messed up. ha ha.
 
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did think of that myself and even said it to him. I said that he agreed to the trial separation, now he wants this retreat, and after the retreat, he'll think of something else. He says that's not what will happen. I won't allow it to happen after, I won't do anything else.

Can you actually put in a divorce agreement that the other person can never get remarried? That dude is messed up. ha ha.
 
Donna, good for you for sticking to your plan. Sounds like you are going about everything in just the right way. I completely agree with other posters about maintaining the high road. It's a commitment that will be tested for sure but it definitely pays in the end.

Good vibes coming your way.
 
I agree with Diane in regards to your children. Take the high road. Young children tend to blame the mom, especially when she initiates the divorce. But children grow up and wise up and when they do they remember who behaved properly and who tried to use and manipulate them when they were too young to do anything about it. If he doesn't start behaving himself, for the sake of his children, he's going to slowly push his children away and will find himself on the outside looking in. Please refrain from promising him anything. Let your attorney handle all that. Just because you're the one leaving it doesn't mean he's not 50% responsible so don't let him guilt-trip you into giving him more than he really deserves after the way he's manipulated YOU. All that said I'm really bothered by the whole hate and disrespect thing. What's he saying? If you waste your entire life doing everything HIS way he won't hate and disrespect you but if you dare to be you, if you dare to want more for yourself, he's going to destroy you? And who is HE to look down on YOU, anyway? Who died and appointed HIM burgermeister??? Please.

He's going to regret that retreat, though. As soon as the mediator figures out there's no way you're staying he/she will wind up spending most of his/her time trying to make HIM understand it's over. Most therapists can figure out what's really going on pretty quickly and his manipulations won't work on a pro. Personally, I think you've put up with enough and should just say no to the retreat, as he's just trying to delay the inevitable. Do you really need that? Just get the divorce and let the chips fall. When you first posted here about your divorce one woman said her husband blamed her for their divorce but soon after found the perfect woman for him. You two aren't a good fit and, in time, he WILL figure out you did him a favor. And if he doesn't? He has issues much bigger than you leaving and it's really not your problem. But again, he'll try to mess with you through the kids so, no matter what, take the high road.
 
BTDT also.

You have got yourself in a good position mentally for both yourself and your daughter. Good for you !

I too was the one who didn't say bad things around the kids and lost a little in the beginning. The police officers in my town even told friends to stay away cuz he was/is so crazy when he drinks (which is nearly always).

The kids believed loads he said in the beginning, but now that they are "adults" completely understand their father's personality and realize mine also.

Best thoughts to you while you are going through this and if you ever need to vent or get advice from someone who could write a book on the worst divorce ever, I just may be your contact }(
 
I agree with you about the retreat and the therapist figuring it out early on. When we went to counselling 18 months ago, she figured it out right away and told him there was no fixing it. He didn't like that answer and wanted to find a new therapist. At this point, I'm just humoring him to keep the peace while he's still in the house. My father thinks that by the time May comes around, he won't be so gung-ho on the retreat either. We'll see. The guy doesn't let things go.

One thing he has been doing to get to me bugs me...but not in the way he wants. He has taken on the habit of going out without telling me he's going. I don't know where he is and sometimes I don't even know he's left. I recognize this as a manipulation technique to try to get me upset and ask where he was. Honestly, I couldn't possibly care less. What DOES bother me about it is that he goes out without saying anything to our daughter. He doesn't say goodbye to her or anything. So she'll come to me and ask where he is, and I just say, "I don't know. I guess he went out." How do you think that makes her feel that he can't even say goodbye to her? He did this last night. Came home from work, changed, ate something and then left. Neither of us knew he went anywhere. He didn't get home until after we went to bed. You'd think he'd want to spend some time with his daughter his last week in the house.


"Burgermeister" - ha ha! That's awesome. :)
 
Good for you, Donna! I'm just concerned about whether or not he'll do the right thing and be mature around your daughter. I would consider saying to him "Hate me all you want, just NOT when our daughter is around". I've seen both the best and worst case scenarios, and have absolutely no respect for divorcing parents who get their kids in the middle of things. My brother had a non-hostile divorce, so I know it can be done when both parents put the child first. Good luck!
 
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