Up Date on my stepson /the stolen 20$

M

merrybaker

Cathlete
So as son of you know my stepson stole 20$ out of my dresser drawer. I waited til his next visit ,last weekend . We had a long long talk on the whole thing .About trust About how stuff like this leads to prison,etc etc . We decided on a punishment .... Restatution ,meaning pay me it back the next time I see him And 10 hours of labor around the house . Well hes here he got here last night. I got out a note book before he got here and made a chart so we can keep track of the hours . Well he didnt bring me the money . He said he told his mom the story and she told him not to pay me back. I was like friggn so mad . I made him call her right there . I made him ask her what to now ... Oh he says he told her he was fausly accused . I'm like were you really fauslly accused "NO I did it he said "So I had him tell her he did it .... I could hear her as I stood close to phone as he talked . She said '"Oh well handle it over there I guess" .....Then they said good bye . Well I added 10 more hours to his labor chart . And I still want the money back . So everyone Please please give me your expert advice slash anything eles you want to tell me I cant believe it !!! This blows my mind as the kids on his way down the wrong tracks and well if it gets to bad . I will have to say he CANT come over til he has consoling !!!!!! I have a 4 year old that I dont want exposed to this kind of stuff !!! Oh I've busted him trying to steal other objects out of my home !!! HInt hint hes here til Sunday nite ....Please responed for me here !!! .Thanks everyone before hand . Oh my hubby is on the same page as me But darnit he has me do ALL the talking and punishing !!! I'm like so blowen away here !!!!!
 
Hi Mary,

I'm so very sorry for everything you're going through. I can't imagine how upsetting and worrisome it must be. But you know, it must be so hard on this poor kid to have his parents split up, and now he has to be shuffled back and forth.

I don't understand why your husband isn't dealing with this. I'd say counseling is in order, not just for the boy, but for all of the adults as well. I think maybe you all need a little help figuring out how to manage your blended family. I don't think what you've described is all that unusual in homes where parents are divorced and remarried. I think the adjustment is much more difficult than some people realize. I truly believe that if you put the child in counseling by himself it could have a really demoralizing effect on him. It's not just his problem--it's a family problem.

Mary, I hope you get this figured out. I do admire you for trying to handle it and that can't be easy. I'd like to see your husband involved a little more.

Michele
 
I think you should just have him work it off and forget about the $20. He seems to be asking his Mom for the money and that really isn't a lesson for him. It seem like your doing a great job of showing him responsibilities for his actions, I just would forget about getting the Mom involved because she seems to do the opposite of what you say.

Debbie
 
Oh I did not really want to get her involved . I just was so blowen away that I had him call her thinking maybe she would open her eyes . Nope . But your right actually getting the money might be diffacult . Ummmm . Also Ive tried to get the whole consoling thing done with everybody .that was like 4 years ago . I think I will start with( for my self mind you ) Dr Phils Book " Family First " He says hes got alot in there on Blended families . Keep your ideas coming please . ! Thanks again .Oh also I know Its a Family problem too.Just no one eles does x( x( x( x( x(
 
Does anyone eles have anymore sugestions for me ? I just need support I guess. I feel I'm alone on this one ...Darn it
 
Oh no you are not alone. Both the parents want to indulge the kid to cover up their guilt for splitting up. It is hardly conscious. Just continue listening to your heart and repeating, and being firm.

Asking people like us for help is very smart. You are doing the right thing. Just like many other things in life, you may be resisted all the way (until the end, or until some day he thanks you for giving him real love) but that never means to give up.

It's another way to show your husband how much you love HIM too, and no matter what he does, he feels it. When talking to your DH about it focus on how loving it is to allow bad behavior versus being firm. Blended or not, being a parent is hard.

No one was ever born with self-discipline. It must be taught and modeled. It is hard but the alternative is much harder. Hang in there and you will have some rewarding moments.

P.S. My DH was in the position you are in-- my son's "real" father has since passed away, but they had spent every weekend together for the 5 or 6 years since the split. My DH never competed for affection but was the only firm one and he complained to me he hated being the "bad cop." But the relationship was almost always very good between all the adults, even though dad was permissive.

I have gradually come around! and our son is much better for it and he appreciates everything. My DH has built cool things (a dresser, a loft bed) for the boy (age 13)... anyway you are not alone.
 
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