TarHeelMom
Cathlete
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-01-01 AT 02:59PM (Est)[/font][p]Hi folks --
This is fitness-related ONLY in that those of you who have sons (like me) may want to read this to your sons when they approach, say, 14 years old, so as to ensure that they stay ALIVE and can therefore stay fit
.
An old boyfriend sent this to me via e-mail today and I recommend it to all of you who have daughters and husbands or SOs who will someday have to do that awkward tap-dance where the Dad or SO "chats" with the poor hapless teenager who's waiting for a date with Daughter.
I suspect I'm violating one of our rules by posting this -- y'all forgive me. Enjoy!
Kathy S.
Dad's Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them -- from you.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to my daughter and sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is commonly assumed that in order for us to get to know each other, you and I should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only two words I need from you on this subject are: "Early, sir."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating at all, let alone dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that cannot be rushed and that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or in general other expressions of happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka (zipped up to her throat).
Places where the ambient temperature is cold enough to induce my daughter to seek other sources of warmth (e.g., you) besides overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a romantic or sexual theme.
The following places are acceptable for a date with my daughter:
Movies that feature chainsaws directed at hapless young males are okay and are an exception to the darkness rule.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Evening church or synagogue services are best.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, make no mistake about this: I am the all-knowing, merciless ruler of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
When you bring my daughter home, know this: It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. So be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face you'll see at the window is mine.
This is fitness-related ONLY in that those of you who have sons (like me) may want to read this to your sons when they approach, say, 14 years old, so as to ensure that they stay ALIVE and can therefore stay fit
.An old boyfriend sent this to me via e-mail today and I recommend it to all of you who have daughters and husbands or SOs who will someday have to do that awkward tap-dance where the Dad or SO "chats" with the poor hapless teenager who's waiting for a date with Daughter.
I suspect I'm violating one of our rules by posting this -- y'all forgive me.
Enjoy!Kathy S.
Dad's Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them -- from you.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to my daughter and sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is commonly assumed that in order for us to get to know each other, you and I should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only two words I need from you on this subject are: "Early, sir."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating at all, let alone dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that cannot be rushed and that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or in general other expressions of happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka (zipped up to her throat).
Places where the ambient temperature is cold enough to induce my daughter to seek other sources of warmth (e.g., you) besides overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a romantic or sexual theme.
The following places are acceptable for a date with my daughter:
Movies that feature chainsaws directed at hapless young males are okay and are an exception to the darkness rule.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Evening church or synagogue services are best.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, make no mistake about this: I am the all-knowing, merciless ruler of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
When you bring my daughter home, know this: It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. So be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face you'll see at the window is mine.
