To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cancer

RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

The decline in the last few days is marked. He no longer really has the strength to even get out of bed. The general feeling when you ask him if he wants to go outside, clean himself, brush his teeth, is that he could care less, he does not have the energy to even try. At this point I really think he is pushing through some things just for us. He keeps crying out in his sleep, "what is happening to me?" or "Oh god". Mostly, he just looks tortured even though they say he is getting adequate pain relief. They say maybe he is working out something with his maker, dealing with end of life issues. The doc comes today and I want to talk with her about keeping him sedated most of the time. At this point, I feel he is in agony and it would be merciful to make him feel as little as possible. He is so so so tired. I can see it in his eyes, the look. The look that my father is gone and all that is left is misery.;(

I stayed there Sunday night but only slept one hour due to all the hubbub and Dad's torment through the night. We question the value of me being there overnight, especially if it runs me down and I can't get to school. I can't miss any more school or they will drop me. So, after being up 24 hours, I came home and got a good nights rest. Now I go back.

If you are praying for me, please pray that my father will find peace and acceptance in his passing and that God will spare him from too much pain. That would mean a lot to me. That is all I want to happen.

Thanks all and I will update.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,

So sorry you are going through this...I just want you to know that I will be praying for your father and your family during this very difficult time.

Take care of yourself...


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RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,

I will honestly pray for the peace and acceptance your father and your family need right now.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,

{{{HUGS}}}

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you all and wishing your dad some peace.

Marie
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'll pray your father finds peace and acceptence. And that you do as well. I'm thinking of you.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

((((((((((((((:)( :( )))))))))))))))

Prayers for white light, peace and release...........

Take Care
Laurie
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and especially your dad.

Michele
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I too went through the exact same thing.

I will quickly tell you what I learned from my experience. First of all, my father didn't want anyone helping him either, it's a pride thing. A father is the beacon of the family, for him to be helpless is a very difficult thing. My father didn't want anyone except family seeing him in his final days. My mother never left his side. I struggled a lot. There were times when I layed next to him (in a fetal position) and just held his hand and the tears would just roll down my cheeks. You can't help it, you can only be so strong. I think it's ok to cry. I never bawled in front of him but as I lay next to him, there were times when the tears leaked out.

As his daughter I know all you want to do is lay next to him and hold his hand and just be there and I think that is fine. I'm sure he wants nothing more than to have you there. Just remember that he will be at peace soon and be going to a much better place. You need to cling onto the wonderful memories you have of your dad and you need to do what YOU feel is right. Nobody can tell you what is and isn't right, everyone's situation is different and everyones father/daughter relationship is different.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my dad. Sometimes I cry and other times I laugh. He will always be with me, in my mind, in my memories and in my heart.

I wish you the best and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

>If you are praying for me, please pray that my father will
>find peace and acceptance in his passing and that God will
>spare him from too much pain. That would mean a lot to me.
>That is all I want to happen. >Thanks all and I will update.

Janice, you have my thoughts and prayers for this along with prayers that you will be able to find peace and acceptance also ... dispite the fact that your heart is breaking, you might think about letting him quietly know that it is okay for him to pass on, that you'll be ok and will meet up with him later. While he's in heaven and the concept of time is infinity, perhaps his waiting time for your reunion will be just be a blink of an eye, while it's a lifetime for us mortals. Peace be with you and yours. Deb
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

I had such a wonderful talk with this great hospice nurse last night. She was so comforting and helpful. God bless her.

We talked about how tormented and miserable my Dad seemed to be. She told me how he is so young and he is angry. He was just getting his life together and God handed him this deal. It is unfair and he thinks it is unfair. She mentioned giving him some peace by letting him know that we will all be OK and that we will always help my brother if he needs it, we will always be there for him no matter what. I feel my brother is mostly the reason he remains tormented. She said that we likely need to tell him these things and reassure him. I am going to tell him that I know he is tired and that it is OK to let go of all this. I don't want to tell him it is OK to die but want him to understand that while we will miss him terribly, that it is OK to go. Don't hang on for us.

I can barely eek out a work of this...heck, even TYPE it, without tears just streaming. I am sure I will downright bawl but I guess it is better to say these things and cry then not say them at all. He talked with my mother not too long ago and she told me that he said that he knew we (my sister and I) were going to be OK, that we were strong enough, but expressed concern for my brother. I am sure he asked my mother to always love him and look after him. We thought that is where he came to peace with it, but the nurse feels that that is not the same as hearing it from us. So, that is what I plan to do today. It is going to be a hard day.

Thank you for your continued prayers.:)
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice, I just want to say that I am marvelling at your tremendous strength and resolve to love your Dad as best as you can through this painful and heartwrenching time. You are so smart, resourceful and open hearted, it's beautiful that you love your Dad so much and are determined to be an instrument of peace to him as much as you can as he journeys through this dark time. Blessings to you and yours. Thinking of you (((((HUGS)))))....

Take Care
Laurie
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice, bless your heart. I agree with Laurie and think that you are doing so well in the face of such sorrow. I think your plan to tell your dad that you will look out for your brother is wise, indeed. I was in the same position when my mom was dying. I have a brother with severe mental illness and I promised to look after him for as long as he/I live. I think it made her transition into her next life an easier one. My prayers are with you as you talk to your dad. (((((HUGS))))).

Michele
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

I told my father everything I had to say today. I stepped out of my comfort zone and just took the bull by the horns and said it. He, while not altogether "there", seemed truly pleased with what I said, even though I bawled the whole time. I can now say that I will have no regrets. I told him how much I would miss him when he goes but that I know I will be able to talk to him everyday and that he will be in a better place. I told him how proud I was of him for fighting so hard. I told him I knew how tired he was and that it was OK to stop fighting. I told him I (and my siblings) would be OK. We would miss him terribly every day but we would go on. We will take care of my brother, help him if he needs help, no matter what. I told him we all love his so, so much. I told him that he will always be my Daddy and I hugged him and cried. He said very little but what he did say meant a lot. I hope even though he is not really in reality that he knew what I was saying.

Strangely, ever since that conversation this AM he has barely awoken at all. There is talk now about inserting a Foley because he likely will not move from the bed now. I told them they would probably have to turn him now since he had been laying in the same position for hours. You ask him anything and he says "I don't know". He grimaces almost constantly fron pain or psychological torment. I hope so much that he goes quick from here. Please let him go quick from here. Please let him peacefully depart from this world now to a better place.....

I am at his bedside again tomorrow... ;(
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice - I'm so happy you got to say what you wanted to say! Your dad heard and understood. I know he did. You did a really tough, but good thing by letting him know that it's okay for him to go, that you'll miss him, but you will go on. I know my mom was fighting to hold on until my sister could get there, but we could not get ahold of her. When I told mom that my sister would want her to just let go, not struggle so hard, it seemed to give her the permission she needed to move on. It's not easy, but know that you did a very good thing. I'm thinking of you, your father and your family. {{{{HUGS}}}}
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice, at the beginning of this thread you said that you were 'so lost'. It is bittersweet and incredibly inspiring to read your last update and see that you found some peace as you 'stepped out of the comfort zone'. I want to reach through the screen, hug you and tell you how beautiful, brave and strong you are even in the face grief and heartbreak. You have given yourself and your beloved Daddy a gift beyond measure. 'No regrets'....what more could you ask for?..........
((((((Peace and Hugs))))))))

Take Care
Laurie
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice, you are a wonderful daughter. How lucky your Dad is to have you! {{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
-Nancy
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice, i know i don't know you, but i have to tell you that your latest update has really touched me. i pray that your dad is able to go peacefully and quickly with you by his side. and i'm so happy that you got to say everything you needed to say.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Thank you guys for making me feel better. You made me cry! ;) Yes, I feel better after saying what I had to say. I told my sister maybe she would like to say something as well, especially about the grandkids. Dilemma now is whether to try to get my brother to come....well, atleast try to find him and let him know that it will not be long. OR, let Dad die and then find him and tell him.

He is the one that chose to dissapear for this. He can't handle it. So, the rest of my family is kinda like, "well, it was HIS choice" and shrugs their shoulders. But I wonder if I should give him atleast the opportunity to come say what he needs to say. I worry that years down the line, when he gets clean, he will regret not coming....or worse yet, be angry at us for not giving him the chance. We worry too though that telling him death is imminent will also send him spiraling even farther downward.

What do you think?
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,
I think you should get your brother to come. I think your father is waiting for your brother. The reason why I'm saying this is because what you're going through is exactly the same thing my husband went through with his father almost 5 yrs ago. Same type of cancer, too. His dad would not die until we came to see him. 3 days after we came, he died. He needed to see his "favorite" child. He needed to hear DH saying it's ok to go. Try to see if your brother can visit because he will regret it if he doesn't. Maybe not now, but down the road he will.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard. I've been there myself with an uncle I thought of as my dad. It was hard. We told him it was ok to go and we will see him when we're ready. ((HUGS))

Lisa
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,

I am so glad you were able to talk to someone in person other than family regarding your dad.

When my dad "let go", while the sadness was heavy, there was a co-existing peace that waved through my body when I knew he was no longer suffering.

A hopice nurse talked to us also and suggested all family except my mother leave my dad after we had said our "peace" and "goodbyes". She had the feeling he would not let go, in other words--be weak, in front of children and grandchildren. She was right. Within an hour of our leaving, mom called and said dad was no longer suffering.

I am not saying the above applies to you, but I'm just trying to pass along any thoughts that may be of benefit.

It is also possible your dad does need to see your brother.

God bless your dad, you and your family. {{{{HUGS}}}}
 
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