The Art of Listening

LaughingWater

LaughingWater

Cathlete
Have people told you that you are a good listener or an excellent shoulder to cry on?

Do you have someone in your life who listens...really listens to you? Or do you do all of the listening without ever getting the chance to blow off a little steam yourself?

I like to listen. I'm a natural. People fascinate me, and I often connect very easily, so listening isn't a chore for me most of the time. I enjoy relating.

But over the years I have noticed that it is very hard to find other true "listeners." The ones you don't have to pay $150 an hour, that is. :D I like my friends, but boy...sometimes I feel like a free counselor who magically has zero problems or concerns of her own and apparently never requires more than 30 seconds of undivided attention.

Not that I'm one to open up the vault and divulge all kinds of personal information (like so many do with me...yikes), but geez, can I get maybe more than one sentence out? Perhaps put forward a totally complete thought?

*sigh* :) Thanks for reading. Anyone else feel like this?
 
I definitely do. I don't know why, but people have always told me very personal information, and I end up listening and counseling all kinds of people. Even now, I mentor many of the more junior people where I work. But if I ever need to talk someone, forget it -- no one seems to be able to listen to me like I listen to them. DH is the only exception. I find it quite lonely sometimes -- there are all these people who will call me when they need to talk, but if I need to talk to someone, it's really hard to find someone.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you (look at me, trying to counsel again), but I can empathize.
 
Hey Lori!

I agree with you completely. Finding someone who really listens is a rarity these days.

That said, I am on the opposite side of this. My brain moves in fast forward - I don't say that in a bragging way, it's something I'm working on - and so I am often stepping on what people are telling me with my own comments, or have a hard time focusing on what others are saying to me. :( Meditation and reading teachings on staying present have really helped.

On behalf of my brethren, I apologize. :)

Sparrow
 
sparrow13 said:
Hey Lori!

That said, I am on the opposite side of this. My brain moves in fast forward - I don't say that in a bragging way, it's something I'm working on - and so I am often stepping on what people are telling me with my own comments, or have a hard time focusing on what others are saying to me. :( Meditation and reading teachings on staying present have really helped.

On behalf of my brethren, I apologize. :)

Sparrow
Click to expand...

I'm completely the same way, and I really wish I were not. Sometimes I can catch myself and stop. I've recognized it for a long time, but it's very hard to change.
 
People say I'm a good listener, but I'm a licensed professional counselor so it's part of the job.
 
I find this to be a fascinating topic. I am currently going through yoga teacher training and we regularly have to break into groups of four or five in class and take turns reading our homework and telling our groups about our experiences. Our teacher has this rule that each person gets a certain alloted amount of time to speak and the other people in the group are only aloud to listen and have to be completely silent and let the speaker talk the whole time. The "listeners" are not supposed to provide any feedback. She said she is trying to teach us to listen. It is such a brilliant exercise because I find there are a couple of people in my group who just cannot be completely silent and listen. They have to start chiming in even after specifically being told not to. I think listening to other people without jumping in really teaches you to listen without quickly placing judgements. You get to hear everything that they have to say. It also has been helping me learn to listen inwardly to my own thoughts and needs.

Monica
 
This is a HUGE problem for me in my life, so much so that I have more than once considered going to a therapist to sort it out. I very often find myself "at the mercy" of other people, more or less stuck listening to them blather on and on and on about everything. Then why I have something I want to tell them, they tend to cut me off or just sit there staring at me, not showing any interest in what I have to say (or at least that is my impression of things).

I was taught as a child not to talk about myself, that was considered rude in my house. I was taught to draw others out by asking them nice questions and then responding with interest. So I might ask "What did you do last weekend?" and then when somebody says "went skiing", even though I'm not that interested, I will say "OH how fun! Tell me more, where did you go, how was the snow???" So people do love to talk to me but I get very tired of listening even though I realize I bring it on myself by pretending to be interested even when I'm not. Sometimes, just as an experiment, I just sit there expressionless and without saying anything just listening, and that does tend to cut the monologues a bit shorter, so I guess I should practice that more.

I wish people would follow the same set of rules I was taught, and ask me questions and respond enthusiastically to what I have to say. I very often wish for more attention and for people to draw me out. Part of this also has to do with my mom, who was alcoholic and depressed and really incapable of being interested in others, so she would talk about herself, I would try to placate her and listen to her, but I never got any positive reinforcement for talking about myself, instead I was reprimanded or ignored. I often think that what I have to say is not interesting to people, and I don't know how to express myself to make it interesting. My DH is somebody who always is interested in me, and does ask me questions, and I treasure, worship and adore him because of it. He makes me feel heard whenever I speak. Apart from that there are a couple of close friends that I feel do listen to me, but among my larger circle of friends and acquaintances I just feel frustrated and irritated by a lot of the "conversations" I have.

I think a lot of it is what we were taught as children. Once I and another woman went out to a work lunch with a third woman. The third woman was a chatterer, and talked and talked and talked and talked ad nauseum, seemingly never taking a breath and certainly never directing the conversation toward either of us. At one point we both sort of glanced at each other and rolled our eyes at how rude she was. BUT in the elevator going back up to work, the chatty woman said "You guys are both so quiet! Don't you ever have anything to say?!?!?!!?!?" So I think it is just a different understanding of social interaction, I think the chatty woman was brought up to be entertaining and communicative and considers it rude when others do not just jump right in and chatter about things.
 
I'm Listening. (being a Frasier kind of gal. LOL:D)

Janie
4760884_bodyshot_175x233.gif
 
I actually did a music course with the same title and found myself kind of jaded for a short while afterwards, not being able to just chill and listen to music for enjoyment's sake but always listening for variation in pitch, timbre, blends etc. I'd agree with you, though, 'real' listening requires lotsa skills.
 
Sparrow, you are so cute. :) Beethoven and Janie... :D

Thankfully the forum is a good place to blow off a little steam and to find those who relate.

Laura, I often wonder what professional counselors do after a hard day at work. I'd probably see my own counselor to address the effects of a career in professional counseling. Ha.

Monica, I've gone through that exercise too. It's an interesting experience, isn't it? And yes, we had people in our group who just couldn't resist speaking out of turn. Then we had others who took the direction to listen so seriously, they just stared at the speaker ~ without any emotion at all. I found that unsettling.

Diane, I found therapy to be a great relief. It's a little weird at first, especially if you aren't used to people listening to you, but you get comfortable fast. It's been years since I've seen a counselor, but I miss him! :D He was great.

You brought up a good point about how individuals are raised as children.

Dela (LOVE that name, by the way), my DH cannot resist cutting me off in mid-sentence at times. He too is one whose brain goes 100 mph (which I admire, actually...I'm such a mental turtle), so he often anticipates the end of my comment before I can finish. He follows up with advice. I used to get annoyed, but over the years I've come to realize that his instinct is to help. The intention is sweet.

Regina and Mel...at least we have some Catheites who will listen. :) Are you guys sometimes shocked by the level of personal stuff others will tell you? People tell me things I'd NEVER share in a million years with anyone else. I often find myself wondering, is it them or me? Does something about my face say, "Hey, tell me all your secrets."

I don't mind, and I do respect privacy and keep secrets, but I'm just...surprised. Maybe I'm simply cheap therapy.
 
I am completely sympathetic with how it feel to be a listener and not be listened to in return. It hurts quite a lot, as a matter of fact, and is a huge source of pain in my current relationship.

I, like many of you, LOVE to listen to other people. I am interested, I don't just usually pretend to be. I want to know what they think, how they feel, the gossip about their lives. I also enjoy making them happy when they get to tell somebody who is interested.

But FOR ONE TIME I would like somebody to give me a shoulder to lean on. Even my own mother, who I know loves me more than anybody in the world and would do anything for me, doesn't listen to a word I say. My SO, whom I think the world of, is simply not interested. He is either talking or has some dialog going on in his head that is always more intriguing than anything I do or say. I can talk, and he'll let me talk, but it is so painfully obvious that he couldn't care less. I have no interest in blabbing to somebody who isn't listening, so I just tend to keep my mouth shut. And he likes it that way. And when I do talk, I'm so self-conscious that I end up sounding like an idiot. I love how that works. I know he cares about me, and does so many wonderful things for me, but I feel like it could be anybody standing here, and it wouldn't make a difference.

I HATE talking to professionals even more, though, because I know they're being paid to listen. I want to be around somebody who respects me and is genuinely interested in my thoughts and feelings, at once in awhile ;).

I think that's why I tend to talk so much more in forums and posts than I ever would otherwise, most of the time, too much, like here, probably. I know I can't tell if nobody cares about what I'm saying, so I can pretend as though I'm fascinating!! LOL!
 
Heh...hey Fidget, maybe we just aren't divulging enough secrets when we talk. Perhaps we aren't gossipy enough, and because of that, no one wants to listen. I'm sure if I announced, "X has herpes," I'd have everyone's undivided attention. :rolleyes:
 
Lori, all jokes aside, I think you are exactly right! Maybe part of why people tell us everything (way more than we want to know) is that we are discreet. I would *never* say anything bad about a friend or family member to someone I hardly know, but this is most often what people tell me...so maybe having a sense of what is appropriate is our downfall...
 
I don't know why I didn't realize this before, but that makes perfect sense.

Plus the fact that I don't share similar information about myself would certainly make me pretty boring by comparison. I like to discuss politics, religion, life in general, but I don't discuss personal details.
 
Wow, Lori, what a great thread! This has been my life for the past 10-15 years. I can relate to each and everyone who has posted. It’s nice that I can form a bond with all of you where it was hard to find people to bond with in my life who were of the same type as me. In my 20’s and early 30’s, I did have people that would actually listen and engage in what I was saying but I don’t know where they went. I have always been like all of you. People would share lots of things with me, I would show interest, ask them questions, and they would talk, talk, talk. It seemed o.k. awhile back but now, I can’t find anyone who can engage me the way I engage them. When I share something with someone, it would be nice for me if they showed the same interest in what I was saying as I do with them. I would like more than a “oh, that’s nice” or “really?” or “uh, huh.” This has bothered me so much, especially in recent years, that I have limited my end of the conversation. I just don’t bother to talk about me much anymore because I just get so frustrated from the lack of engagement from the other person. One of the problems with doing this is that if I’m not saying much, then it’s open space for the other person to just yap and yap about themselves. Because it’s hard for me to just listen without showing interest in what they’re saying, the conversations become mostly about them because I’ll continue to ask them questions.

I just don’t even have the energy anymore to go into detail about my life. I’m not talking about problems, just daily chit chat stuff that everyone talks about. Throughout the past few years, I have definitely been avoiding people who are such an extreme and just talk and talk and talk about themselves. We all want to be acknowledged and shown that another person actually is interested in us. I don’t know what the solution is. I have let some people know that I would really appreciate it if they showed more interest in what I was saying but I haven’t really gotten good results. Unless that person can really hear what you’re saying and understand its importance, they just don’t get it. I have felt myself really changing and becoming something that I’m not. It’s very discouraging.

Bam
 
This is why I love going to see my therapist, not only does she listen...she takes notes!!

In all seriousness, it is frustrating when those around you don't listen to what you have to say. That is how I feel with my mother. She is too busy with chitter chatter and telling me about what is going on with everyone else to really listen. My ex used to basically ignored me until I did something that annoyed him. I have a hard time talking about myself too. I think a lot has to do with how I was raised, but I am learning that part of life is sharing with other people. I called someone the other night ago for the first time in who knows how long to talk about a problem I was having. She had been through something similar and I knew she was the one person who would understand. It felt good to have someone not only listen, but understand my feelings and tell me she had been there too. I think I'm conditioned to just work through stuff on my own because that's what I've always done.
 
diane57 said:
Once I and another woman went out to a work lunch with a third woman. The third woman was a chatterer, and talked and talked and talked and talked ad nauseum, seemingly never taking a breath and certainly never directing the conversation toward either of us.
Click to expand...

LOL, Diane!! I know a few people like this. It's not so much that they're rude, but they're very uncomfortable with silence and feel the need to have a constant string of conversation going...even if it's meaningless. I sometimes refer to it as verbal diarrhea. :D

I'm trying to be a better listener, particularly at work...but I have to work at it. It can be difficult though when more often than not you're in a state of constant multi-tasking.

I feel fortunate to have several good listeners in my life. :)
 
LaughingWater said:
People tell me things I'd NEVER share in a million years with anyone else.
Maybe I'm simply cheap therapy.
Click to expand...
Lori, . . .I'm like you. for some reason people tell me stuff that I just don't want to know.
REALLY personal stuff problems in the bedroom stuff. I sorta shy away from the other mom's at school because I don't like to encourage the gossip part of it and for some reason it always ends up being gossip. "I hate so and so and blah blah." It also become exhausting for me. I tend to take on the stress from other people's problems. I try to avoid it and tend to stick to myself and don't go to parties, and such just because it starts to weigh on me. Unfortunately people probably think I'm a bit of a snot for not wanting to hang out with everyone. I just like to keep to myself and am a private person.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top