The Art of Listening

[LaughingWater]

Verbal diarrhea... !!!!!!!!!!!! That's the perfect description.

It sounds like a lot of us are doing the same thing ~ retreating a little bit, keeping to ourselves. I can't remember the last time I really opened up to anyone. I think it was with my brother, something like 4 years ago. (He's such a good guy. He's like us...listens, doesn't gossip or judge, keeps a good secret.) I was desperate, and I remember having that, "Crap! Who do I turn to?" thought. If not for him, I wouldn't have breathed a word to anyone. I don't lean on him too much though. He has enough on his plate.

Speaking of gossip...ugh. Even if we did have someone who was willing to listen, how long would it take for our personal information to be broadcasted? It would take my family about 24 hours.

Have any of you enjoyed the experience of talking to someone on the phone and then slowly realizing that they are either watching TV or surfing the net while on the phone with you? Argh!

 

[Jaffas]

I've had this problem too. I seem to attract people who love to tell me every detail about their personal lives and never want to hear anything about mine. Sometimes it goes even farther. I had one friend who, when we would go to the mall together, would spend hours trying on stuff and asking my opinion on everything. She bought her clothes for totally different store than ones I normally shop at so I was just there to give her advice. Well one time, yes only once out I don't know how many trips to the mall, I wanted to run into Express to grab something I had already tried on previously and simply buy it and she huffed a puffed and started complaining about being tired. This after I'd spent over an hour picking out tons of outfits for her upcoming vacation!

I think the fact that I also tend to be discreet and only confide in people when I'm really at my wits end is a factor. It catches people off guard when I do have a problem of my own. I also think my ability to keep a secret causes people to trust me. I've got to the point that if someone says "don't tell so and so..." I only agree on the condition that they let me know if they happen to tell so and so themselves at some later point. Too often I have found myself guarding a secret that is public information because the person in question has gone around telling anyone who would listen.

In a way it's better now that I work for myself. I have to make such an effort to see friends that I'm more picky about who I spend time with. I have one friend that not only loves listening to my stories but will ask me to repeat them other people. Even I don't think my stories are THAT interesting!

 

[LaughingWater]

Too often I have found myself guarding a secret that is public information because the person in question has gone around telling anyone who would listen.

*chuckle* That's my DH to an extent.

He'll say to me, "Do NOT tell anyone...yadda yadda..." Oooo-kay.

Lovable fish wife that he is , it's not long before I overhear him telling someone else. It's not super personal stuff fortunately, otherwise I wouldn't find it as funny as I do.

This past election was a tense one in our house. The majority of our family is made up of conservatives who almost always vote Republican. I voted for Obama, but I kept it to myself because I didn't want to catch hell at every social gathering.

After weeks of trying to change my mind, DH finally said in an exasperated tone, "At least don't tell anyone, all right? DO NOT say a word. Then I'll have to defend you, and it's just going to get ugly..." Yeah, yeah. Okay. I agreed, as it would only rain frustration down upon my head, and who needs that.

Well, that bit of information was just too good to keep to himself. I think he held out a few weeks after the election, until that fateful day when I didn't accompany him to a family gathering (I think I was ill). Sure enough, he blurted it out. Now everyone knows.

 

[janie1234]

Speaking of gossip...ugh. Even if we did have someone who was willing to listen, how long would it take for our personal information to be broadcasted? It would take my family about 24 hours.

24 hours I'd take that! I live in such a small town. I always joke about how you can't pass gas without someone writing an article about it. I live by the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil mentality. I even have my three little monkeys sitting on my desk. Everytime someone gossips or loads off their troubles I have to run to blast off the stress.

 

[story1267]

Lori, thanks for bringing up this very interesting topic. Diane I think you've really hit on something with how many of us were raised to be polite and ask other people questions about themselves.....

....because logic would dictate that a person would be fair and turn the questions around! Doesn't happen that way, does it?

People tell me everything too. Everything! But over the years I find myself more and more holding back.

Maybe it has to do with what I call The Jerry Springer Years which was the time around my divorce or, preceeding that, my DS being deathly ill as a newborn (you really find out who your friends are between illness and divorce). And then you get to a point where I think people are afraid to ask you how you are! Or, like I did, just get sick of telling the same stories about what the X did today or how un-solvable the kids' problems are. It's exhausting.

There's a standing joke among my extended family that the answer to How Are You? is Fine!! . It's pretty much never fine actually, LOL, and they know it, so this is much simpler.

But, even my sweet, loving, tender DF is actually really bad at active listening. That's what I think of when I read your post. We're looking for someone to just do a little active listening. He can talk very animatedly about his day and what's going on with him and he will actually not even once ask how my day went. Something that simple. I'm ashamed to say that I've tested that one out.

So, what to do? With the co-workers, and the extended family, I'm happy enough just leaving things as they are. With DF I'm taking it as a personal challenge to step up and state my needs. He doesn't understand why I don't and he genuinely does want to hear me. I think this is the biggest challenge for me. I've always felt that just identifying the need was the hardest part and now it should just *poof* magically appear. Well, not happening! I must practice asking, and just telling my story, and just showing up over and over until I figure it out.

Sorry, this got so long! I was feeling all woozy after 4DS KB and just needed to sit and be still.

Thanks for listening! LOL!

 

[LaughingWater]

Thanks for listening! LOL!

!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, we have one outlet at least.

(When I first posted this, I thought how funny it would look if no one responded.)

When you talked about stating your needs, that struck a chord. I dread the idea of appearing "needy," though I do understand that being listened to isn't needy at all. Yet it still kind of bugs me, and that keeps me from saying to someone, "I really need to talk."

Though I've noticed with guys, if you say, "I need your advice about something," they focus right in on you, ready to help. They often don't understand the need to just talk things out, but they do respond to finding solutions.

So now...even if I don't really want advice, I will say to DH, "I need your opinion about something." Then he's all ears, analyzing, weighing, computing...and I get to unload a bit.

You could try that approach.

 

[story1267]

Lori, I thought the same thing about responses to this thread - I needed to think about what I wanted to say first and I knew I couldn't get to it quickly.

DF was with me last night on our Wednesday date night. One of the many, many things I love about him is his willingness to "play". By that I mean he knows me well enough to know that asking for things is difficult for me. But he's always willing to hear me and at least try.

So, I told him that I wanted him to ask me open-ended questions and do active listening . He did OK! Bless his sweet heart.

For me, and I wonder if for many, a lot of trouble in this area comes from damage. We've been disappointed, hurt, betrayed, or let down. So the walls come up. And stay up. But it hurts to be alone inside there.

I strive to continually be vulnerable with him, to show him who I am as we move along in time together. I want to grow together with him and experience all the changes life brings with him. So it's a constant re-committing to that principle. It's so easy to shut down.

 

[Gayle]

Though I've noticed with guys, if you say, "I need your advice about something," they focus right in on you, ready to help. They often don't understand the need to just talk things out, but they do respond to finding solutions.

So now...even if I don't really want advice, I will say to DH, "I need your opinion about something." Then he's all ears, analyzing, weighing, computing...and I get to unload a bit.

You could try that approach.

ITA!!! This is something I also notice with men, particularly with DH and my best friend. I think the gut reaction for guys is that they need to "fix" what's wrong...even if there's no fixing.

 

[Shoegal]

I'm amazed - I have been struggling with this for awhile and have found it to be an extremely painful part of my life as well. The fact that someone else has the same experience is kind of comforting. I realized that although I have close relationships - no one really listens to me. I do the exact same thing - I listen, I ask questions, I give advice, I act interested because I feel that is the right thing to do. I never get that in return. My sisters and Mom will all be talking - and their usual style is to run over anyone who is speaking. They all do it. I offer up something relevant to the conversation and it is as if I spoke to the wind. I know they aren't doing it to be mean or hurtful and I know they love me - but it is isolating. I really appreciate that there are others out there who share this same experience. Thanks for sharing.

 

[LaughingWater]

((Shoegal))

I've had my dad walk out of the room on me. In mid sentence, no less. Not out of anger or anything. He just didn't care to listen. He once told me that it wasn't personal, but he's one of those people who has to do or say something the minute he thinks of it, otherwise it's forgotten. Suuuuure.

Oh, and when you're talking ~ not blabbing on and on, but literally in the first sentence ~ and the person who is supposed to be listening just turns and starts talking to someone else...that's fun too.

Gayle...we figured them out.