The 40 Something Angry Male

endorphin_junkie

endorphin_junkie

Cathlete
I have had such a year since boarding the dating train last November. In the course of the year there have been 3 men that I have really enjoyed spending time with and felt the 'click' but there has been a common thread that has caused me to end it with each of them. Why are these men so angry? First one has a good career, more money than he can spend yet launched into diatribes regarding those who have more than him. He seemed sceptical that anyone could really be happy. The second one was in the military, fun and thought I was all that and a bag of chips but was prone to go off about conspiracy theories of why his career hasn't panned out as he planned and figured that the single white male was methodically being suppressed by all that is diverse. Whatever...... The past while I've enjoyed rekindling an old friendship that was blossoming beautifully. I've never been flattered more in my life but in the last week I was witness to the hate that he could spew regarding anyone overweight, of a certain ethnicity, immigrants (even though his mother was German war bride??).....I told him outright that he scared me and that I feared that the depths of his anger might be directed towards me someday. Obviously, and sadly, I have ended this friendship. Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon or has my experience been dumb luck. What's with the bitter, angry 40 something male???

Take Care
Laurie
 
Hey Laurie

Unfortunately, I think it's a disturbing trend in our society. I even find myself "flying off the handle" more than I should. Sometimes is hormonal....but that really isn't a very good excuse and certainly not a good role model for my kids. I'm talking about an occasional bout of anger however, and not hate.

I think our society has really produced a lot of stress which I think may be causing this. There is constant pressure from all sources to be better, stronger, smarter, thinner, more successful, etc. When "we" don't live up to those expectations, (and how could we) we tend to play the blame game. It's always someone elses fault and instead of finding a way to overcome it, it's just easier to damn those at fault which results in anger and resentment.

I'm sure everyone has their own reasons for acting the way they do, but I think you did the right thing in waiting for a "good" guy. Don't despair....they ARE out there. Fortunately I have one.:) I absolutely love my mild mannered guy and so does everyone else. Hold out until you find him....it will be well worth the wait!! Good luck.

Angie
 
Hi Laurie, I doubt I have any great advice as my DH is only 34 and not terribly angry (though he can be selfish, but I deal with that). he hasn't hit "mid-life crisis" time or anything. However, I just wanted to say that it seems like I've heard a lot about men mellowing as they get older, so maybe you should check out some 50-ish men and see if they are better. ;) I know my own stepfather mellowed into one of the sweetest men in the world before he passed away a couple years ago. Just remember that men are about half the population so there have to be some less angry ones out there.

[font face="comic sans ms" font color=purple]***Lainie***
My fitness blog: http://fitnessfig.blogspot.com/ http://bestsmileys.com/exercising/7.gif
 
Laurie,

I dated someone for most of my twenties into my early thirties. After that, I was alone for a bit and started dating again for a while. I hate to say it, but I can see what you mean by the bitterness that seems to be out there. I found it to be a little more pointed, at first, but let me explain...

I think it has a lot to do with past experiences but I found that it had a lot to do with past relationships. The most bitterness was about a lost marriage or someone cheating or being led along by someone or a child issue. Those matters are so close to someone's heart that the hatred comes right out, whether or not the person is healed. Don't get me wrong, we all have our baggage and we all get emotional over certain topics (at laest I know I do) but I found that a lot of guys that I had met that had previously been in a serious relationship gone bad had this internal anger/hate. I have found that this spreads to other areas, as you mentioned, but I seem to find it most often in the area of relationships or upward mobility (career wise).

That said, don't let it get you down. There are lots of nice guys out there for you to meet and spend time with and you will come across them. My girlfriend said it best to me one day...if you're out there, and you're a pretty normal person looking for a nice guy, then you hav eto believe that there are plenty of other people out there just like you.

Good luck!
 
Hi, Laurie. AH...the life of the dating adult, hugh? lol

I was just having a discussion about this with my best friend (who is happily married to a WONDERFUL Canadian for 7+ years). It's just so strange to be dating as an ADULT! It's SOOOO much different than when we were young (not that we're old now), isn't it? As an adult, we have a MUCH MUCh better understanding of who we are, what we want and need, and where we want to go (alone AND with a partner).

I've only been dating since this summer. And I've only been in 2 serious relationships in my entire life....DH and my ex-fiance. My ex is 38 and in the military, is very laid-back, but has a VERY definite opinion of minority races. That bothered me right from the start, but he was always discreet about it. NOW....I'm dating a guy 8 years older than me (he's 43) and he's just DA BOMB! lol He never says ANYTHING mean about a single person....not his ex-DW, and he's friends with several people with different racial backgrounds, and he's laid back. I am beginning to think I should have started dated older men sooner! LOL

I'm not sure that I really answered your question, though. I haven't been in the dating scene long. I've been very fortunate to find great guys (ex fiance and my current beau).

ANYWAY...........good luck as you continue your journey.

I am curious, what your kids think of your dating? How much do you expose them to it? How close have they gotten to any of your male friends? This may be a whole other thread topic, but I thought I'd ask anyway.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

Gayle
 
Angie, I've thought the same too about the pressure to be better, stronger, richer... All of these men have talked about joining me in my fitness pursuits as stress relief but it never happened. Too bad for them, nothing busts stress better than tapping into endorphins and the like. I'm fortunate that 'finding' someone isn't something I pine for, as much as I resisted it at first companionship is enough for me, the rest is just bonus;-)

Lainie, I agree that most men aren't in the 'angry' place. I know lots of awesome, kind, fun men but they are either married or not attractive to me in the romantic sense. I know how much I've mellowed in the last 10 year, although my family may not agree as readily as I would think:)

Christine, I nodded my head a lot reading your post. The first 2 men have definite bitterness regarding past relationships/failed marriage. This was clearly illustrated to me when the military fellow told me that he had a 72 page letter he wanted to send to his exes parents!! OH MY!!:eek: I am not disheartened at all just bewildered and curious. I've had great love in my life and will always feel blessed by that.

Gayle, so glad things are going well with you and your guy. My kids are very funny about Momma dating. They are completely supportive although, at times, they tease me relentlessly:) I just let things happen naturally, if I'm going out with someone they can come to the door and get me. Whoever answers, answers....I absolutely don't 'do' sleepovers but if we're all out together they've seen me holding hands and witnessed the odd stolen kiss....fodder for more teasing:) I really am having fun getting out and meeting men but the common thread of anger has been new to me. My Dad and my Husband were not angry men in the least...quite the contrary...Lucky me!!

Take Care
Laurie
 
Interesting, Laurie.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that there is usually a good reason why a person in his or her forties is not in a relationship. While there are plenty of great people who have lost their spouses (like you and Gayle), and plenty of great people who have learned from their mistakes (like my DH), there are also plenty of people who are the mistakes others learned from, if you know what I mean. It sounds like you have met some of these. In short, it may be a bit harder to find a great partner when you're a bit older. Therefore, I think it's important for you not to be discouraged. No doubt your counterpart is out there. He just may be a bit harder to find now because there are more frogs to kiss. ;)

Don't give up! My DH was 46 when I met him and he was every bit worth waiting for. It always seems to happen when you least expect it. :D
 
Oh, Nancy! You hit on something there that I didn't think of to say to Laurie! This guy that I'm dating now. Like I said, I'm really liking this relationship with him and I'm hoping it keeps moving forward. But my best friend and I have asked ourselves several times "What is wrong with the guy? What's he hiding? Nobody's THAT perfect! If he's THAT great, why isn't he married?" lol I was playing mind games with myself, and had to just tell myself to relax and that if there are any skeletons in his closet, they will come out. I did, however, one time in a teasing way, say something to that effect to him....something like, "so far I like where we are going and what I see. Is there anything about you that I NEED to know?" His response...."I'm not a romantic".....but I'll tell you that's a LIE! He just doesn't realize it! LOL

Sorry to get off the beaten path, but Nancy made a great point!

Gayle
 
Why not pull a "Demi Moore" and date a youngster?:7 You will only have to deal with the occasional "dude whaaats up??":) Kidding!

My DH has a friend who is terribly bitter about life. He hates being "old" (he is only 58, and even looks younger than that) but is so youth obsessed its pathetic. He and his wife live their lives through their kids and every sentence is about "when I was young". So that is one issue-youth. Its shoved in our faces constantly, although I think men have it alot better than we women do.I think men nowdays feel alot of the same pressures we do, but feel helpless-men like to "fix" things, and alot stuff going on cannot be "fixed", does that make sense? I also totally agree with Nancy's point about there are plenty of people who are the mistakes others have learned from!

I found my DH when I was not looking, he is quite a bit older than I am, but I wouldn't have it any other way. He has learned from his life experiences and is actually really tolerant and accepting of all of life's injustices. He has his views, very strong ones, but there is a certain "peace within" he carries around with him that is really cool. Yep, we have our issues (I being the bleeding heart liberal-he the conservative) but our standards, morals and principles are the same.

You will find the right guy,just go on about your merry way and then one day, BAM all of a sudden there he is. :7 Ain't love grand?:)
 
Nancy, there you go again, making perfect sense!:7 I suspect that my timing may be off and I'm at cross purposes...I'm so keenly aware that the time with my 3 Girls living at home is finite and I'm quite content to be home for them....

tneah, there is an air of desparation in living in the past...like Bruce Springsteens old song 'Glory Days'...it's over folks, move on!:7 Sounds like you and your DH have a nice thing going on. I'll bet you have some lively debates as well:)

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
my husband is pretty angry these days. every little thing sets him off he is also letting his hair grow long which might that he is trying to regain his youth maybe they are angry about gettting old
 
laurie,

i was married at 22, in 1985. it was not an easy marriage as my ex got into cocaine and i knew nothing of it. i worked my butt off going for my masters degree and working full time. when i found out, i separated and divorced. that was in 1992, and have been divorced since.

i took my break in life, traveled, and did what i needed to do. when i was ready, i thought the dating scene was going to be better than it was. hah! i was in my mid 30's at the time and met the wonderful men you are talking about. i remember thinking to myself, "why is it that i went through a bad experience, but i am not letting it get in the way of a new relationship?" probably because they never allowed themselves to deal with the issues they needed to deal with. i can tell you stories that would have you either in hysterics or tears. not sure right now.

take things slowly and meet a lot of people. it takes time. i finally met my fiancee in january 06. we are getting married on dec 2! i never thought it would happen again. he is a widower, and i dont have children, so i will be a full time mom. cool,huh?

hang in there. its like looking for a needle in a haystack. but when you find it, you will know and it is worth it!

suri
 
Laurie,

I can relate. I just got out of a relationship with a 44-year man. I knew him casually for 10 months before we started dating. We had many things in common, he made me laugh and we both loved to workout. I found out that he had hated women in the past due to an abusive marriage, and a cheating girlfriend. I guess I had no chance. He was a great guy but very moody. In the beginning he was very romantic and attentive but then became a different person. He didn't call me much and when I tried to get together with him, he told me that he was going to be very busy so I ended it. I found out I broke his heart.

It's frustrating when you meet someone that you really like (there are some many duds out there) and they just can't get over the past. I knew some of the things he was going through and was willing to be a friend to him but he's very quiet and prefers to deal with his problems in private.

On the positive side, I learned so much about myself so it was worth the experience.
 
You may be running into those prone to pronoun problems.
These types always use "me and "I" and have forgotten the others such as "us" and "we." I used to have one of these in my life....it's very taxing to say the least.


You know the type..... "Why is the world against ME? Why do they have more money than ME? Why are they happier than ME? What's in it for ME?" On your next date, pay attention to those pronouns girlfriend! And if you see any Ayn Rand books on his shelf RUN! ;-) :7
 
Hey now Beavs, Not an Ayn Rand fan I see??}( Shhh...don't tell anyone, but I only read half of "Atlas Shrugged" and simply had to put it away-FOREVER!!:7
 
Therapy, therapy, therapy! That's always my advice for four-year-old little boys!

Seriously though, men (and women) are only going to seek guidance when one is ready. Growing up is hard, and if they stay in old childish patterns, they'll stay stagnant and miserable.

And, ps - This isn't just 40-somethings! I've been pretty active in the dating scene for about a year now (consciously being open to opportunities as well as online dating), and I'm a LOT more cautious/skeptical now than I used to be. I'm open, but I'm less judgmental yet more cautious - hope that makes sense. And, the kind of person I want to be around has also changed. No playboys, only nice gentleman make my list these days. ;)

Good luck.



;-)
 
I've pretty much given up myself. But MY problem is I'm not willing to compromise. I'll be 40 in a couple of months & I've worked very hard to create the life I have right now (with some admitted stumbles, fits & starts). I feel like it's this really delicate house of cards & a man will just knock it over & I'll have to start again from scratch.

Yeah, also men scare the he!! outta me. :eek:

That's right Beavs, ME ME ME!

BTW I hated Atlas Shrugged. I didn't finish it either, partly b/c I thought it was one of the most boring books I ever tried to read (I think Rand is a lousy writer), partly b/c she could've said in 20 pages what she tried to say in 1100, & partly b/c I absolutely, positively despise the concept of possessive individualism.

OK this post has way too much serious crap in it. I'm going back to the forums to lighten up a little. :+
 
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