That 7 year itch

D

db5

Cathlete
I've been married to my husband 6 years and have known him 7 and for some reason am starting to feel stagnant. My husband is a great guy and loves me dearly and I really have nothing to complain about but for some reason I've been thinking about an ex boyfriend of mine who I dated for 10yrs. He was a "rock star" troublemaker, bad job, slept till noon, alcoholic who absolutely adored me but took me so for granted and was very jealous. Why do I find myself missing that??? I recently saw this ex of mine at a benefit party (I am still best friends with his sister) and in all respects he is the same person. Still following bands around at 36 and is still in every respect an alcoholic. I left him when I was 25 because I was so sick of that lifestyle and wanted to settle down and now I find myself missing that carefee way of life!! This ex never married and rarely dates since I left and everytime I see him he tells me how sorry he is and that he would do anything to have me back. What is wrong with me? I have everything I have ever dreamed of having...a great career in medicine, a beautiful horse farm, money to travel and buy myself nice things and a terrific husband who would go to the ends of the earth for me. It took me years of counseling to get away from that guy and I even had an eating disorder becuase I always had to be the perfect rock star girlfriend. What do you all think?
 
No mind blowing advise here, but I just wanted to let you know I think this happens to a lot of us. I've been married 5, going on 6 years, and I've found myself looking back on past relationships and thinking "what if". Even though some of those relationships were very "unhealthy" and I was smart to get out of them, once you are removed from that situation and in a good place in life, it's easy to look back and think things weren't so bad. It helps to keep reminding yourself of the problems with that relationship and how you are in a much better place now - and continue listing all the good things in your life. Sounded like you had a pretty good list going there ;). Talk to your husband about how you feel things have gotten a little "mundane and routine" and that you need a little "shake-up" in the routine. Maybe you guys need a little adventure together - maybe a trip, some time alone,etc. Biggest thing is to keep the communication going with the significant other. If he's anything like my hubby, he has no idea you are feeling blah about things. Maybe if he gets clued in to the situation (I wouldn't mention daydreaming about the x though), he and you can reconnect in a new and fresh way.
 
I think it can be pretty common to look at the other side of the coin and think it would be better...for whatever reason. One thing you may want to try is pretending you were on the other side of the coin and you bumped into your current husband. What would you feel then? Your with a guy that is drunk all the time, starving yourself thin and you bump into a guy that is secure, stable and madly in love with you....without all the mess.

Also, I'm not surprised the rock star guy wants you back. So many years have passed, I am sure you look great, you have a horse farm and an excellent career...you could certainly take care of him.
 
Wow can I relate to your story. My first true love was a man just as you described but he didn't chase bands, he was in a band. He was 9 years older then me but we dated for most of my high school days and a few years after. He wouldn't give me a commitment and drank a lot so I moved on. Got married to another guy who I divorced within 7 years and now I'm married to the most wonderful man on earth. I have him a pedastool and I love him dearly. HOWEVER, I still dream of the my true love, almost once a week, and these dreams are so vivid and real, its almost like he's reaching out to tell me something.

I seen him last summer at a store, he recognized me but was with his wife and child. He didn't say anything to me but he kept looking in my direction. I didn't want to cause trouble so I didn't pursue it, nor did I even know what to say. He seems much settled now and I hope he stopped drinking.

I think I will always have him in my heart because my feelings for him were so intense and sometimes still are. I miss him dearly sometimes. I look forward to my dreams because then I can at least see him with no guilty feelings.
 
Call one of your girlfriends who was there when you needed someone to cry to about how unhappy you were in this old relationship and ask her to slap you silly.
 
The grass is always greener, particularly when the fence is long-standing, stable, nd filled with all things domestic. In other words, there's no more unknown or instability or wondering - does he really love me? will he call? will he stop drinking? will he get a job? will he change to be with me? will I ever be enough? etc., etc., etc.

I think it's important that you recognize what an incredibly wonderful situation you have now, but it's also important to acknowledge that somewhere inside you may miss the excitement of being with someone who makes your adrenaline run (you just have to remember, it's not a good thing, lol). The important thing is not to act on it - maybe it's just a wake-up call that you need to inject some excitement or romance into your life with your current partner?

Marie
 
>Call one of your girlfriends who was there when you needed
>someone to cry to about how unhappy you were in this old
>relationship and ask her to slap you silly.

I second that!!
 
Every time those thoughts cross my mind I can't help but think that my husband too, miss some old girlfriend and maybe sometimes he wonders "what if?" and just the possibility of losing everything that I have with him (the good and bad) because of some old relationship makes me so mad...(go figure).Anyways that's just how my mind works. I think what I want to say is: How would you feel if it was the other way arround?
 
I agree - don't even think about it!

I have been with my husband almost 7 years now total (from dating to marriage) :) WOW! That is a long long time, and yes sometimes I feel like we get stuck in a rut, but ya just gotta shake things up a bit. Last year I suprised my husband on our anniversary, I bought a road atlas, put a bookmark in it with plane tickets and said I hope I give you enough notice for work - but we are going on a vacation!

Its fun to do suprises...also its good to get away from your spouse just alone with the girls or with your sisters/brother/family whoever - just for a weekend, it makes you appreciate what you have and sometimes that old saying "absense makes the heart grow stronger" is true! I always find myself feeling excited about getting away for a weekend without my spouse in tow ;) but equally happy to come home and tell him all about the trip....

You are entitled to your feelings, but just think how you would feel if your husband was thinking about his ex??? YIKES!
 
This would be a difficult subject to talk with my husband about because I'm his first real relationship. He never dated a girl longer than a week so he wouldn't understand what I am talking about. But you guys are right, I think what it is is that my life has become so routine and predictable and I miss the insanity and craziness of that other life even though I was mostly unhappy and insecure in it! My husband and I just need to spice things up a bit I guess. I'll keep everyone posted.
 
I understand how you feel. I have been married for 7 years and last year an old bf called me up when he was in town. I went to lunch with him (didn't tell DH, which I still feel guilty about) and I found out that he is not all that anymore. I don't think you should do that but realize that you have changed and are not the same so it probably wouldn't be the same anyway. Like someone else said how would you feel if it was the other way around? I hadn't thought of that until she wrote it. I would feel terrible.
LD
 
Okay, so you're missing the zaniness and craziness of your old life. Yeah, I can understand that. Spicing it up with DH is a good idea, but you can spice it up without him (and without being unfaithful in heart or body to him). Is there any adventure sport you've been wanting to do for a long time and figured you never would? Bungee jumping, sky diving, endurance trail rides with your horses... If so, you could always do one of those.
 
I too have been married 7 years and I think sometimes we need to take control of the thoughts we let our mind meditate on. Take time out to put some zing back into your relationship with your husband (you and he can spend time thinking about and figuring out how to do that) instead of thinking of past BF's. My hubby and I have been in a slump lately, we all go through that, but I put some thought into what I'm going to do to add a little zip back and I'm working on that now! He is going to be very surprised come Valentines Day! Your marriage is worth the work of staying together! I wish you the very best!
Angela:)
 
I'm coming up on 25 years in June and am glad I weathered the bumps, the lulls and everything else. I'm finding that I love the old guy more every year. Hang in there.

Cheryl
 
i could have written most of your post word for word. the love of my life was a rocker, toured the nation etc. lifestyle of irregular work and drugs. I wanted more for myself so after months of internal heart wrenching, i left. years later, i married the "perfect husband"..on paper that is ( educated, stable , job, family man etc). i do love him, but not like i loved my ex. i made the right choice, my ex died of a heroin overdose 5 years ago.:(
 
Whenever I get the "itch" I just remember there isn't anyone I could imagine sitting on the front porch waiting for the grandkids with me than DH...The "lust" (and yes, I mean that!) of MY life would be sitting on a barstool hiding from them all weekend long! DH and I have been together 7 1/2 years (1st date 'till now)...Yes, we're in a rut! There are times I HATE it! But you know, it's SO nice to know there's someone who loves you unconditionaly when you come home from a terrible day...Even if it means telling him three days later to compensate for that terrible day you've been hiding 2 pairs of $100 shoes in your trunk...Would the other guy understand that?? OK, maybe you don't have to hide them...But you get the point!!!
MJ in MN

Honey, that last post about brought me to tears!!!
 
How would you feel if your husband ran into his ex and started thinking about her? Would you want to know?

I went through a horrible first marriage. When I met my second husband I felt so lucky to have met such a wonderful person. I do believe our marriage is a gift of love from God and try very hard to treat it that way. Perhaps if you begin to think about how blessed you are now to have such a great marriage, you may overthrow these negative adulterous thoughts.


Carmen
 
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