Tell the truth: do you lie?

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
I'm reading this new book (gift for a friend who's turning 51) by Nora Ephron called "I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman".

Ephron says "I feel bad about my neck. I truly do. If you saw my neck, you might feel bad about it too, but you'd probably be too polite to let on. If I said something to you on the subject-something like 'I absolutely cannot stand my neck'-you'd undoubtedly respond by saying something nice like 'I don't know what you're talking about'. You'd be lying, of course, but I'd forgive you. I tell lies like that all the time.."

I was surprised to read this. I really don't think I tell such lies. For example, the friend I bought the book for keeps talking about getting a face lift. I say to her "you look fabulous" and I mean it. Maybe I really mean "you look fabulous for your age", but I think that part is understood. I don't think of it as a lie. If I truly have nothing positive to say, which is very unusual, I might say "why do you want to do that?", but it would be a rare occasion for me to lie.

Tell the truth: do you lie to make people feel good? (I'm really hoping Ephron is wrong, because if she's right, I'll never trust what anyone says to me again!)

Nancy
 
I'm going to take the lack of response to this post to mean that most people are telling white lies. I didn't post this to judge. I can understand why people might lie. I know that your intentions are good. I'm starting to feel a bit paranoid though. I'm starting to think that even my DH is lying when he tells me how "gorgeous" I am. :eek: :(
Nancy
 
Nancy:

A few thoughts.

I don't qualify telling someone something to make them feel good as lying.

Do I trust everything they tell me? Depends. If I am griping about something, a body part, my face, neck, whatever, and I know myself very well, I might not believe a friend who said, "oh rubbish, you look great, your nose is a perfect shape, there's nothing wrong with your neck, you don't have wrinkles, etc". I know what I know to be true. So, I would understand that they were just trying to make me feel better and to stop obsessing. I would not hold this against them. I would be grateful that they cared enough to try and raise my spirits!

However, if another person, and it is usually another woman, tells me out of the blue that they like my skirt, love my hair done this way, or look so young, etc, then I believe it because it was a totally spontaneous, unsolicited compliment and was not offered in response to my self-belittlements.

Yes, I tell people things sometimes that they want to hear. But I don't regard that as lying. Lying is deceitful and can be dreadfully injurious. Making someone feel better is neither of those things.

I like Nora Ephron. She has a great take on reality and a great sense of humour. I think she has it about right.

Clare :) :)
 
Yes...I am guilty of telling white lies. BUT, I am 100% sure that when Mr. Turnipski tells FancyNancy that she is gorgeous, he is NOT lying.

I wish we didn't put so much emphasis on outward beauty..... the older I get, the more I learn that it is one's inner beauty that is most important.

Nora Ephron was on Oprah when the book first came out...she was hilarious! Are you enjoying the book Nancy?
 
Clare-
Thanks. I'm almost done with the book. It's laugh-out-loud funny, though rather New York-oriented.
Nancy
 
I have a busy skin care practice and what I hate the most when a new client asks me with a big smile "and just how old do you think I am"?
I hate that since IMHO and experience most people look just exactly their age, specially under my magnifying lamp. But of course I lie and take a few years off of what I think. But whom are we fooling? But if such a white light make someone happy, I'm all for it.

Now, since I also do personal training, in that field I don't lie. But when I can say something nice and motivating, that is true, I always do. Like today, I told my early 60s lady -- whom I train for a while -- that she was actually stronger than one of the young fancy chicks in the gym. Man, she just loved it, and it was TRUE! I believe more in telling motivating truths than white lies. That also gives you more credibility when it comes to serious stuff. Just ask my kids.
 
Nance-

Can I get in line after you're done? I'm interested in it after your post!

I tend to actually *hate* white lies. Not that I don't ever tell them, but it is rather rare. I consider it a compliment that one of my best friends refuses to go jeans shopping with me! She is concerned that I will tell her "yes, that pair DOES make your butt look huge!"

I also adore DH for being flexible enough to tell me (when I ask) if a certain outfit would be better on someone else, etc. He gets so uncomfortable! It's adorable. He squirms a bit, and eventually comes up with something like "it doesn't accentuate your best feature" or something like that, LOL.

I dislike white lies because they feel disengenuous. I want my comments and compliments to be sincere! Like those motivating truths macska mentioned, and the out of the blue compliments Clare mentioned, I think the truth is a wonderful thing.

I always want to know how I come across in reality, not in dreamworld. ;)
 
Me too, Ame! When I was growing up, my mother always made it clear to us that lying was the one thing she detested. We could tell her anything, and she wouldn't get mad, but if she caught us in a lie, watch out!

So, instead of lying, I'm diplomatic. I was recently talking to a woman who lost about 200 lbs. and had lots of extra skin that, to be totally frank, I found to be unsightly. It was easy for me to say things like "wow! what an accomplishment" and "you must feel so good about being healthy again" and really mean it. But if she had said "I feel bad about my extra skin", I probably would have said something like "have you spoken with a plastic surgeon?"

Ame, your DH is adorable. Mine does the same thing, but I never feel hurt. I know he thinks I can look great, and if he thinks something is wrong for me, I just try something else. I really trust his judgment.

Nancy

ETA: Sorry, Ame, but if I send you the book I'll have nothing to give to my friend for her birthday next weekend. ;)
 
Weeeeeeellllll, I think often when people ask you leading questions like, "Does this make me look fat?" they are absolutely expecting you to say, "No, of course not!" I guess I don't really consider that lying, either.

Marie
 
Hey Nancy -

I recently read that book and found it hilarious also. But, I confess, I'm guilty of white lies if it means making someone feel better about themselves.

Oh, and I agree with Nora. My neck is getting older looking as I type this. I can't believe it............. My cousin just had a neck and partial face lift. And you know what? Her neck absolutely looks better but she still looks exactly her age. I lied and said it took years off. She had just spent a lot of money and that white lie made her feel great!

Nancy
 
LOL, Nancy! :7 :7

I just finished the book. I just loved it!

Nancy
E
ETA: Is it okay to read a book you bought for someone else before you give to them??? :eek:
 
Interesting question, actually. Yeah, I've been known to tell a white lie or two, but only if cornered by someone obviously needing a compliment to make them feel secure. But, in thinking about it, I honestly can say that I can always find something to compliment someone on truthfully.
 
This is what I do and I am raising my daughters to do the same....If someone asks your opinion then I always tell them what I think, good or bad.....after all they "asked". Peggy
 
Of course I do. It's human nature. There are cultures which actually value equivocation and what we would call lies by omission. And frankly, someone who tells the whole, unvarnished truth 100% of the time wouldn't be especially likely to have a lot of friends.
 
>I was surprised to read this. I really don't think I tell such
>lies. For example, the friend I bought the book for keeps
>talking about getting a face lift. I say to her "you look
>fabulous" and I mean it. Maybe I really mean "you look
>fabulous for your age", but I think that part is understood.
>I don't think of it as a lie. If I truly have nothing
>positive to say, which is very unusual, I might say "why do
>you want to do that?", but it would be a rare occasion for me
>to lie.

Nope, I don't lie to make people feel good. I will divert the question or answer indirectly, as in the example you gave. Unfortunately, I think many people do tell these lies to make others feel good, so that makes any comments from anyone suspect. Even if YOU are being sincere, your comments are lumped in with those of others who lie to keep from hurting someone's feelings.

I think little lies lead to big lies, and starting out by lying to not hurt someone's feelings, may lead to other types of lies. You can avoid hurting feelings and lying at the same time. Its not a one-or-the-other situation.
 
>I have a busy skin care practice and what I hate the most
>when a new client asks me with a big smile "and just how old
>do you think I am"?
>I hate that since IMHO and experience most people look just
>exactly their age, specially under my magnifying lamp. But of
>course I lie and take a few years off of what I think. But
>whom are we fooling? But if such a white light make someone
>happy, I'm all for it.

A former chiropractor of mine (not former for the following reason!) once asked me how old I thought he was. Though he was young-looking for his age, I can usually get past that, because--at least until the age of 40--I've always looked younger than my age (which sometimes made me judge people who 'looked their age' as being older). I said "34-35," because he looked like a well-preserved 35-year-old. Obviously, he was expecting me to answer younger (WHY even ask the question?) because his face sunk and he told me he was 33! (I SWEAR that's not the reason he is no longer my chiropractor, LOL!)
 
>Weeeeeeellllll, I think often when people ask you leading
>questions like, "Does this make me look fat?" they are
>absolutely expecting you to say, "No, of course not!" I guess
>I don't really consider that lying, either.

I think if it's done in the context of shopping with a friend, and that friend asks the question when trying on something, then it's doing her a service to tell the truth.

On the other hand, in some cases, I guess you could consider that the clothing isn't what makes her look fat, it's her excess body fat, so saying "no, of course not" isn't really a lie, but a different interpretation of the question. ;-)
 
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