Tell me if I was wrong

L

lesliemarie

Cathlete
as you know my daughter left with a guy she just met? well things are going bad for them and she cried to me and asked if she can move back home, we said yes, she then asked if her boyfriend can move in also, we said no since they are not married and I have younger children, well she came home Friday and got really grumpy, she then told me that she was going to get her cell phone charger, well she never did come home, my yougest asked her in a text if she is coming back, she now I am home, and that our home was hell. and then in another text she said she is not allowed to speek to anyone in the family at all!! not even her grandparents. So I said if she is not allowed to talk to us and our home is hell then I had her cell phone turned off because we let her use one of our lines and I didn't see letting her keep it is she isn't goint to talk to us anymore, plus what she does with runs our bill way up.
Now tell me was I wrong? I do keep my kids in a structured home, it works really great with the rest of the kids. especially my youngest son because he has disabilities and structure works great with him. I told her she is 18 and adult and I don't care what she does. just as she doesn't make a mess in the house, and rinse her dishes because we all do that. I guess she got mad also because I wasn't going to pay for her to gas her car. we spend enough on me and hubby's car, in just one week we spend nearly $100. and can't afford her car, and also, I won't give her money, and give into her, I don't give into my other kids when they want things, I make them earn what they want.
 
If she's not living at home and is disrespecting you by calling your home "hell," then no, I would not be paying for her car or her phone or anything else. Stick to your guns. She's likely to come around eventually and appreciate how good you were to her. For now, she needs a lesson in you-don't-piss-on-the-hand-that-feeds-you.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

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Misery has enough company. Dare to be happy. ~ VW ad
 
You weren't wrong. Your daughter has independence issues and needs to work her way through them. She asked to come back to your house, she needs to abide by the rules of the house or move on.
 
I agree with Cathy and Dave. My half sister was always getting into jams... and it was always someone else's fault... and my grandparents bailed her out every single time, never sticking to their guns, until they were essentially doormats. Well, she never really learned responsibility until it was too late (she died at age 50 in a condo that my grandmother had bought for her). Not to compare your daughter with my half sister, but even though it's hard to be tough, I really believe sometimes you've got to be, so they learn. (This hits a nerve with me, since I've got a 13 yr old who is just starting to really get into the "mouthing off" phase, driving DH up the wall!) Good luck to you. Parenting isn't easy!!!
 
She's 18? Pretty young, even though at that age one thinks they have all the answers.

I would do everything in my power to keep the lines of communication open between you and her and the rest of the family. Seek some guidance and help from a professional and try to repair this relationship so that it is not one of stress and turmoil. She still needs you even though she doesn't realize it. There is a difference between compromising your values and beliefs and having a mutually respectful relationship.

Good luck and hope you two can reconcile and come to an understanding and level of respect for one another.
 
she has always taken advantage of me, even my neigbors saw what she was doing, she would LIE to me about everything, even though I kept telling her that her decisions are hers to make I am ok with her decision,. I have told she can make them herself and she never had to lie to me. now she is lying to her now boyfriend and now she tells another guy that she loves him and not Jesse, her current boyfriend. I have always left the line of communication open, she knows where I live and our number, she just has to make the decision. I have never done a thing to hurt her, she is the one that has been dissrespectful to me.
 
I'm not understanding? Why did she say she is not allowed to talk to anyone in your family, even the grandparents? Did someone tell her that?
 
yes her boyfriend is doing this. He then had the nerve to text me and say that I am the worst mother ever and that he hopes I burn in hell. Well lets see, I took her to doctors and got her kidney fixed. Got her leg fixed, supported her in everything she decided to do, I never said to her she can't do anything at all, I let her be herself. I might have spoiled her to much. But I was always there when she needed me.
 
You are abosolutely right in your decision 100% I chose to leave my home when I was young because "I thought I had it so bad" Guess what it is a wake up call to finding out what the "real world" is like. I am 36 now with my own family and I wish I could go back home I'll pay $100 a month (ha,ha). The simple truth is no matter what most young adults think they can conquer the world some do and some don't. Know this one day they will end up thanking you it may be when they are in their 30's but it will come; didn't we? My hubby was a real rebel and he thanks his mom all the time I was confused more or less as a young adult and I had wonderful strict parents but loving and I think my children are very well rounded but I see my one daughter is like me and I am in for a real treat.

beth6395

"Double Knot your laces and let's move on"
-Cathe Friedrich
 
Maybe I'm overreacting with all the violent crap on the news, but I would seriously consider pressing charges against this punk for his text message to you. I'm not sure if that is possible though. I wouldn't care less if it offended my child. That's just wrong on so many levels.

Wendy
 
What I find worrisome is her BF not allowing her to speak to anyone in her family. That is scary and a control issue. Your daughter is very young and could have gotten herself into a situation that she is unable to handle. For me keeping lines of communication is very important. Find out more about this BF--How old is he? He sounds very scary to me.
 
Yea, that boyfriend is scary. I'm all for laying down the law but young women being completely under the thumbs of violent young men (often winding up dead) is epidemic. These situations are the reason I have no kids at 46.
 
Which boyfriend is it who is doing the controlling -- the new one or the old one?

She sounds like a very confused young girl, and I do think she is desperately in need of guidance. I might continue the financial support if she gets rid of him, moves back home, and works to get her life on track. Does she go to school? Is there another family member she might listen to?

IA about keeping the communication going, but I would not bankroll a kid who continually disrespects me.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

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http://img17.glitterfy.com/18/glitterfy183635T533D31.gif

Misery has enough company. Dare to be happy. ~ VW ad
 
it is her new boyfriend that is controlling her, but we did let her move in Friday, but she was texting her boyfriend and I have no idea what he said to her but she left home, she seemed excited, so I have no idea what happened or what was said. she is very concerned, but I can't say anything because she just gets more upset, she has asked me what she should do, I give her advice but then she doesn't take it. She lies all the time, why? I have no idea,
 
I have no answers for you, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My DD is pulling the same 'crap', very frustrating.....I agree totally with what Cathy amd Dave have said up thread.

Do take care and try not to let the stress get to you.
 
This boyfriend of hers sounds very scary. I'm also confused, why can't she talk with anyone? Talk to the police and tell them your concerns and what you know is happening. Then find out what you can do to insure the safety of your daughter. It's important that you do this.

(((((hugs)))))

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

http://www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
You NEED to get involved here... whether she likes it or not. not trying to scare you, but a friend of mine just lost her daughter a few months ago. She was 16, with an 18 year old controling boyfriend. He stabbed her 16 times... on her 16th birthday because she was trying to break it off with him. After it happened everyone thought... what could we have done to prevent it? Too late.

This boy is controling if he is telling her that she can't speak to someone. And quite bold, imature, and rude sending you that text. Keep us updated. Hope you get some good advice here.
 
lesliemarie -

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was a rebellious teenager and know I caused my parents heartache.

I agree about keeping the lines of communication open and let her know EXPLICITLY that you will always be there for her and love her.

But, since she is 18 and unwilling to listen (I've been there . . ) short of holding her prisoner, there is nothing you can do.

It seems her BF is feeding her lies which she is choosing to believe.

If I'd known that my parents would have welcomed me back, I would not have moved out when I was 18. I was very fortunate that my then-BF (we've been married for 23 years now) was not a controlling psycho. In fact, he and his family tried to convince me to go back home and called them to tell them where I was and that I was safe.

I'm kinda rambling, but this situation is so close to home for me.

Bottom line is, you cannot FORCE her to do anything. Just let her know you love her.
 
I read this a few days ago and I forgot to reply. If she wants to act like an adult..then she has to pay her bills like one as well! Thats how I see it anyway. I don't think you did anything wrong. And it was silly for her to think that her BF could move into your house as well so that they can both mooch off of you....and they aren't even getting along? Then why would she want to bring him home?
Ugh...kids....I have a 12 yr old and Im soooo not looking forward to the teenage yrs. Im gonna need some good eye cream!
Best of luck to you and DH! I think you did the right thing!
Lori:)
 
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