stood up

[JennieR]

I am 43, never married and I LOVE being single!! I LOVE having my space and my freedom. I love having control of the remote, cleaning and doing laundry when I feel like it and not because someone else wants me to. I love staying up as late as I want or going to bed early if I feel like it, and sleeping in completely undisturbed on the weekends. I believe some people are just not meant for long term monogomous relationships and that I am one of them. I decided when I was 11 years old that I never wanted to get married or have kids and I have never once felt differently...and I am perfectly content with my life.

I could've written this post myself. Except, I'm 32 and knew by age 12 that I didn't want to get married or have kids.

You're a smart woman.

 

[kblover]

First of all, I appreciate all your comments...as hard as some of them may be to swallow (LOL). I don't know that I have the answer to the questions you asked, NY25. I think I referred to us as 'dating' just cause it seemed like an easy description, but you are right, we definitely weren't dating. As for being alone...I think it goes along with confidence and companionship.

I do worry about my future and whether or not I can handle, alone, all life has/can throw at me. I think I have a more negative/fearful view of life based on my own upbringing and life to this point. I also want to have someone around when I'm old

Now, neither of these are good reasons for having the feelings I do or for rushing into a relationship and they aren't meant to be good reasons. I'm just being honest.

Society is one of the big influencers. Despite high divorce rates, the message in the world seems to be "if you don't have someone, you are NO ONE and WORTHLESS!" I think this is why people get divorced. They rushed into marriage and now figure out they are with the wrong person. They didn't know that before because they never took the time to get to know that person.

I can only thank God that I didn't actually marry anyone I dated, because I know I would be miserable today.

The next HUGE influence on me is myself. I have never had a lot of confidence in me. I don't know why that is. I've tried to figure it out. I'm great when it comes to business, but in a social situation I totally change. I can even hear myself saying to myself "buck up girl! what the heck happened to that confident girl who runs teams at work, negotiates and wins with suppliers, and takes on ANYONE no matter how scary they appear??" For some reason, I start backing off. I guess I'm trying not to appear too pushy... maybe be the girl I think guys like. Hmmm....

In the end it all comes down to knowing who I am and being ok with that person. I can and will admit I am not there yet, but I will be because I'm working on it now. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't waste it on pinning away for a guy, because in the end, if I get that guy, what will I do then? I need to be me and be ok with me and that is my current project!

 

[kblover]

I also want to say that through reading all of your post I have read some very funny and very touching words of support and personal stories. I think we all owe it to ourselves to take to and realize just how great we are - not in an arrogant way but in a way that gives us strength.

I come from a family of 8 kids, and 6 of them are boys. It has always been my mom's way to kind of cater to the boys. They don't have to cook or clean cause that is women's work. They get to eat first cause they (supposedly) worked harder and need the food. Women always seemed to be put second. There was never talk of us sticking up for ourselves or doing things for our own enjoyment. Maybe that's why I moved out as soon as I could. However, a lot of those things still linger. I think that is what causes conflict in my soul.

But reading your stories and hearing your advice has just been awesome. I have wanted to laugh with some of you and hug others. Thanks again ladies. I'm so glad I posted this!

 

[5$footlong]

Society is one of the big influencers. Despite high divorce rates, the message in the world seems to be "if you don't have someone, you are NO ONE and WORTHLESS!" I think this is why people get divorced. They rushed into marriage and now figure out they are with the wrong person. They didn't know that before because they never took the time to get to know that person.

Society has also made Crocs fashionable and David Hasselhoff famous. Society is definitely not a good barometer to consult for making life's decisions.

 

[bakert]

Society has also made Crocs fashionable and David Hasselhoff famous. Society is definitely not a good barometer to consult for making life's decisions.

ROFLMAO! So true!

CC you are a strong (you can get thru a cathe workout!), independent (you've gotten this far in life on your own) and a wonderful person (think of all the others you've helped)!! Don't believe anybody or any voice in your head that says otherwise!!

 

[Vee]

Thanks Vee!!!

I think that was the hardest part for me to recognize that someone who is as outspoken as I am could be an "abused" wife. And for the longest time I brushed off my friends who had recognized it long before I did. That being said, I don't think it is mutually exclusive to have strong convictions and still get emotionally abused. Not every abused woman is necessarily "weak". You'd be surprised how many sucessful and strong woman turn out to be emotionally and even physically abused and you would have never guessed.

My ex-husband has a narcissistic personality disorder which often is described as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. He could be very nice and charming and turn on you without notice. It made me question myself, wondering if I just imagined everything and maybe I am just too demanding, I am too combative, I am too ..... I think when you love someone you just can't imagine that s/he would intentionally try to harm you. It is so excrutiatingly painful that I think it is sometimes easier to blame yourself as the cause of his behavior than to face the truth. The problem with people with this personality disorder is that they have no empathy for anyone else. It took me a long time to wrap my head around this and realise what was actually going on.

It is not that I didn't stand up to him, on the contrary! I am not projecting a persona on this forum that I am not in real life. This is who I am! But I think emotional and verbal abuse is very complex and not easily explained in a few sentences. During the whole time I had glimpses of what was going on was not right but aside from everything that I mentioned above I was afraid to leave because how would I be able to protect the kids from him. And you just keep hoping against better judgement that somehow, sometime you will get throught to him and if you have good enough argument, you reason with him, he will see the light and everything will change.

My trial was 2 weeks ago and I am waiting for the judge's decision to come by next week. Based on everything that transpired during the trial I'd be really surprised if he would get anything else than supervised visitation but you never know, so I am whiteknuckling my way through those weeks.

Sorry, didn't want to hijack the thread. I just think people should really think twice about who they get involved with. If the alarms go off, don't ignore it!

Carola,

I consider myself an intrinsically strong person too, but I am usually non-confrontational and easy-going so I think I dont come off as "strong".

I have good intution and can judge people/situations, so I have been pretty good at taking care of myself.

Yet I found myself in a situation many years ago where I was taken advantage of and manipulated. Luckily it was not by family member. So the hurt and suffering was not as significant.

It was years after I cut off from the person that I even came to terms with the fact that I had been "abused". I did not even recognise it at that time, and like you say, wondered many times if I was responsible or mistakenly construing an issue where there was none. When I look back now, I am amazed at what I let happen. So I know from personal experience that being strong and being abused need not be mutually exclusive and that snapping out can be complex.

Heartfelt best wishes to you.

Vee

 

[pixiesis]

It's threads like this that still make these forums worthwhile for me. We women do know how to stand together and support eachother. In my mind I will change the subect of the thread from "stood up" to "stood together." Thanks ladies!

 

[charly17]

I went through something similar. I found when I was focused on "finding Mr. right" I was not really living life because I was preoccupide with "Mr. right." When I decided to just focus on me for awhile and got involved in many activities that I enjoy that is when I got to know myself better allowed my personality to come out and relaxed. It was while I wasn't looking that Mr. right did come into my life.

As others have said - go and do the things you really enjoy - give your time to something that is important to you and volunteer to help others - in this you will find you and you will be living and not "waiting around."

 

[Aquajock]

Society has also made Crocs fashionable and David Hasselhoff famous. Society is definitely not a good barometer to consult for making life's decisions.

Love that one too, FootLong! Makes me think of one of my favorite quotations: "It is no sign of mental health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

A-Jock