Stay at home mom vs. working mom.....

W

wendymin72

Cathlete
I don't want to start a debate here or a war over which one is
better:)...I am just curious to know who has chosen to stay home and raise their kids and who has chosen to go back to work outside of the home after having a baby and why? Are you happy with the choice you have made?

I have my heart set on being a stay at home mom...I guess I am just curious to hear opinnions from both sides.

:)

Thanks!

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

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http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
Congratulations on your pending Mommyhood!

I am trying to get pregnant now. I, too, have always planned to be a stay-at-home Mom. I worked for daycare centers and at churches when I was younger, all the way until I was in my twenties. I usually always worked with babies or really young children. I tried so hard to give them lots of attention but the fact was that we were just too busy with too many babies at once. We basically only had the time to feed or change them, never cuddle.

I want to stay at home and cuddle all day.

But with that said, I know that there are plenty of other places that probably have smaller classes and there are probably plenty of options for child care that are just fine. There are also plenty of women that are fantastic Moms but could never stand staying home all day. My sister was that way. And my niece is an amazing kid.

I just can't wait to leave this rat race, not have to drive two hours a day and instead be home with my favorite person.
 
Hi Wendy! Nice to "see" you again. I'll take a stab at your question.

My son is 2 1/2 years old. When he was 8 weeks old I went back to work. I have chosen to work outside of the home for a number of reasons. Here they are:

1. I carry the health/dental insurance for my family since it is better coverage and 1 1/2 times cheaper than DH's work provides, and we are accustomed to 2 incomes.

2. The first choice is easy to live with since I have my son enrolled in a early childhood center that he loves going to. The teachers there are so wonderful and Alexander is learning so much. He does so many craft & painting projects. I feel he does more there than I could ever do with him at home. He also loves the interaction with the other kids too. There is structure to his day there.

3. This is horrible to say so please don't throw any tomatoes at me! but I am the kind of person that needs to have other adult interaction. Spending all day with my son, while I love him, would be very challenging for me. I feel he and I both benefit from the time apart because once I pick him up for daycare we do all sorts of fun stuff together. Our time together is quality time. I know we could do that stuff during the day if we were together, however I feel that I would take our time for granted and get caught up in trying to clean the house, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, etc.. Does that make sense? At least now when I pick him up I love every moment I get to spend with him.

Do I sometimes wish I was a stay at home mom? Yes. I would love to spend more time with him. However, I am happy with the choices DH & I have made. In an ideal world I would love to work part time and have more time to clean the house, take Alexander to the park, etc. Right now most of that is scheduled for my weekends off from work. However working part time won't be possible right now since I am pregnant with baby #2.

I hope I was able to answer your questions. I tried to be as honest as I could be. Please don't get me wrong there are a lot of terrific stay at home moms, but I don't think I could be listed as one of those if I stayed at home all day.

Kristi


EDD 9/17/05
 
Congrats on pregnancy # 2 Kristi!

I have no negative opinnion of any mom who chooses to work outside of the home! Please know that-everyone!:) I feel that each option has it's pros and cons and each family has to decide which is best for them.

My question has only been posed out of curiosity and I thank anyone who is willing to answer it for me!

BTW, Kristi, I have often wondered if the lack of adult interaction is going to make me a little nuts myself, but, since I have had my heart set on staying home, I am going to do it (unless finances dis-allow it ofcourse) and I figure the worst case scenario is that I end up finding suitable child care and going back to work earlier than originally intended.

My sister is a stay at home mom. She has 6 kids. She has been home for over 10 years and LOVES it. In a way, I guess she is my inspiration..though I certainly do NOT want 6 children!:) lol


Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
Wendy, I feel that any decision you make will be a good one. There are a lot of advantages to being at home, but of course I realize it is a lot of hard work, but very rewarding. I have 2 SILs that stay at home and LOVE it. Currently one of my SILs is getting ready to go through in-vitro again to try for baby #3. She will be staying at home with that one too. Like you said, you have to do what works for you & your family.


Kristi

EDD 9/17/05
 
I am a SAHM. I have been deleting so many things I have typed bc I don't want to start a war either and I don't feel so strongly about them. So let me just state my strongest opinion.

However, before I do, let me add that I do tend to think my daughter is particularly trying. She is a classic Dr. Sears "high needs" child (www.askdrsears.com). As a baby I had to carry/bounce her around the house ALL day, or I had to nurse her, or she was fussy, fussy, fussy. If, for example, I tried to sit on a blanket in the shade with other moms and have a little conversation...forget it, my daughter would have none of this just sitting around looking at toys. Motion was a way of life. ANd it was difficult to get her to sleep. As a toddler, she now has so many exasperating desires. It is tiring to stay psyched and divert her from unacceptable ones. She is prone to cry when she doesn't get her way.

So, my opinion is that it can be so trying to deal with a baby and toddler for hours on end, that I don't know how anyone besides a person who truly loves the child can possibly remain (most of the time!) patient, kind, and loving. How could my child trust me if I put her in a place every day that may not be responding positively to her as often as I would like? And, really, if she can drive her own mother crazy, how can someone else deal with it?

That said, maybe mothers with more mild tempered children wouldn't face this dilemma. Or maybe day care would be stimulating enough for my toddler so they she wouldn't want to suck on her toothpaste or smear chapstick on her face or climb all over her high chair or pull the tops off all of the yogurts or ....

Happy with my decision.
 
Hi Wendy, I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 12 years now. I will confess in the beginning before we had kids I wanted to go back to work, but after the first baby (boy) came I just couldn't fathom leaving him at such a young age to go back to work.:eek: He was sooo tiny and all!! I was also nursing and couldn't get him to take a bottle nor could I find affordable daycare. It would have costs us more to put him in daycare than the amount of money I was bringing in taking it to account the distance I was driving to work, gas,and the wear and tear on a vehicle. We scrunched numbers and made some financial decisions that allowed me to stay home. I used to cry during my 6 wk maternity leave just thinking about leaving him to go back to work (granted part of that could have been post partum blues).

I now have 3 sons whom I homeschool so going back to work doesn't come up in the conversation much any more. I enjoy being home and not having to get up early to go to a job. I do miss adult conversation at times but as my boys grow they will become easier to have a conversation with as they mature. My boys are 8, 10, and 12 now.

I know that you will make the best decision for you based on your families needs, but a child will only be a child for a small amount of time. They grow up very fast!! You know what is best for you!!:7
 
Hi Wendy,
I'm a mom who works outside the home. I am a conflicted working mom... Before my son (who is turning 6 in a couple of weeks) was born, I never considered being stay at home mom. I was influenced by my mom who was a SAHM but never seemed happy to be a SAHM. She married a little later in life so she was used to working and making her own money (she made baby doll clothes for a manufacturer and lived in Hong Kong with her mom). She did not like having to depend on my dad for money and having to ask for money just to buy our family's groceries. She always told me that I needed to work on my education and to have a job and that's what I did. I always think that had I known how I would feel about my son before I spent a lot of time and money on college & a master's degree, I may have done things differently. As it was, I was making a bit more money than my dh when our son was born and we had our health insurance through my job. It didn't make sense for me to quit working especially when I had to repay my student loans too.

I have since started and finished law school because that was what I always wanted to do and if I were going to have to work I wanted be an attorney. I also had twin daughters during that time so life has been just a little busy around here!

I think it’s great that you know that you want to be a stay at home moms. I have a lot of respect for them and often wonder how they handle it all. Sometimes, I just want to leave the house when my 3 kids are being excessively demanding or screaming at each other or fighting over toys. You would think an almost 6 year old would know better than to argue with 2 year olds but that’s another story….

Ideally, I would prefer to work a part-time schedule. I do like the adult interaction and the ability to use the skills that I use at work. My kids are at an early childhood learning center type daycare and they get to do lots of things that I would not be good at (crafts, painting, etc.) My dh is actually better at that kind of stuff than me since he is an artist. It would also make more sense for my dh to stay at home but he likes his job. I now earn almost twice what he does. It would be nice for us not to rush around in the mornings trying to get out the door for work and school and to have more time with the kids. In the perfect world, dh and I would both work part-time and our kids would be in “school” just a few days a week.

I’m sorry for my long rambling story. I hope that it has been somewhat helpful to you.

And Congratulations to you on your upcoming entry into mommyhood.

Michelle
- mom to Jake (almost 6) and Emma and Abby (2 1/2)
 
Hi Wendy,
I am a working mom of an 18 month old girl and my little 20-week bun in the oven. For me, going back to work was never really a question. I worked several years to get the career I now enjoy. And even though I only make half of what DH makes, we both knew that I wanted to take a nice long maternity leave, and then get back to "normal life". It is working out really well. The driving is brutal, but Alyssa is SO good natured and we have family as caregivers, so she gets and gives a lot of love during the day. And I agree with the first woman who posted- if I was home all day each day, I think I would change somehow, and possibly become jealous of DH for being out and about with adults all day! Also, being away from my baby during the day truly makes for fun happy and energetic evenings and weekends! It is definitely the best decision for me. Now we just have to wait and see how I feel after baby #2...hmmm...
Lisa
 
Thanks ladies for responding!:)

I love reading everyone's feelings and experiences on both sides of the issue.

As for me, I want to stay home for a few reasons:

1) I want to raise my own child. Nothing against daycares, etc. I'm sure they do a fine job, I just would prefer to be as involved in every aspect of my child's rearing as I can for as long as I can(ie-until he goes to school).

2) I have thought about the hectic reality of a working mom between working a 40 hour week, coming home to a house, child and DH to take care of...I don't know...just sounds like more than any woman should be EXPECTED to handle. Many many women do handle it, do a fine job of it, and have no problems with it and that is great for them, but for me, I fear it would not work out. I don't think my personality is such that I could handle it. Call it a personality flaw in me, a weakness even if you want...maybe it is...who knows...but the fact of the matter is that this is me.:) I also understand that there are women out there who simply can not afford to be a SAHM so trust me, if our finances allow for it I will be thankful every day that I am fortunate enough to do it!

3) I feel that it will actually benefit both my DH and myself in that he will go to work all day outside of the home while I am working inside the home (cleaning, foodshopping, laundry,etc)...if I plan my days well...when he comes home from work, all that will be left to do is eat dinner and clean up after it. Beyond that, the evenings (and weekend too for the most part) can be spent enjoying ourselves and spending time with our child instead of being slaves to the chores that can now only be done after work or on weekends. I feel it will give us more time to spend enjoying life! Maybe I am living in a "dream world" thinking this is possible...but maybe I'm not...All I know is that I am going to try my hardest to make my "dream" a reality!:)

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
That is the exact same way I am looking at it, Wendy!

I do not get home from work until after 6pm. If I had to pick up my child at daycare, it would be even later. How am I going to have time to clean house, do laundry, cook, clean, bathe the baby, give my husband attention and then be ready to do it again tomorrow? It sounds way too exhausting to me. I get no help from my husband. He would be happy living in a pig sty.

I worked full-time and went to college in the evenings for 8 years to get my bachelor's degree. I have worked in the financial field for 8 years now and am ready to get out. It would be hard if I made more than my husband but I don't. It will definitely be a huge change when I stop working but it is worth it. And I do not know about everywhere else but childcare for an infant is so expensive here in Austin, if you want a good place. My co-worker pays over $800 per month for her 2 and 4-year-old. But is it worth it to her and working makes her a better Mommy because she has that time away. I totally understand that.

My neighborhood has playdates twice a week so I figure I will get plenty of interaction that way. And truth is, my husband and I enjoy time with each other more than with any other adults so I think I will be fine : )

Now I just have to wait for the wonderful time when I finally become pregnant!
 
"I get no help from my husband. He would be happy living in a pig sty."--LOL...I do get help from my DH but most times it's only when I ASK for it and his skills in the "domestic" area are so limited that there isn't a whole heck of a lot he is capable of helping me with to begin with! lol I sometimes wonder if my DH closes his eyes when he walks in the house after work...I come home and see the dishes in the sink, the clutter that has piled up in various places, the overflowing hamper...any number of "messes" that immediately SCREAM for attention and yet none of it seems to bother my DH. I think it's a man thing! LoL

Childcare expense...yes, that is a HUGE consideration that I forgot to note. Once you pay for childcare, many women may as well stay home because between that expense and one's commuting expense put up against your salaray...what is left? A bunch of NOTHING! lol

I work about an hour away from home via toll roads...between the mileage I rack up on my car, the cash I lay out for gas and tolls every week and the time I spend commuting, I just can't imagine it'll be worth it for me to continue to stay on at my job once the baby is born.

I *do* intend to go back to work but not until my children are in school full time...and hopefully while they are in grammar school we can still afford for me only to work part time so that I can be home for them after school and have some extra time to tend to those "domestic nightmares" I described earlier.:p

Okay, I have babbled enough lol...

Best of luck getting pregnant!!! It's an awesome experience(so far anyway!)!:D

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
Wendy,

You remind me so much of myself before I had my first baby. I was an elementary school teacher and loved my job passionately. Teaching is so fulfilling to me, I know I was born to be a teacher. But.....when I started having kids I knew that I was even more passionate about staying home to raise my children.

I have two boys; 4 and 2 1/2 and I am 14 weeks pg with #3. Staying home has been so many things. Fulfilling because I have been there for everything. Every milestone, every lightbulb that goes off in their little minds, every story, every cuddle, etc. There is nothing that can replace that. I know for me, evenings and weekends with my kids would not be enough. That is just me though. The time I spend with my kids at the grocery store, car wash, bank, post office, etc. is rich learning experiences for them. We talk about where food is grown, how money is earned and saved, how our car gets dirty, how the mail gets to our town, etc. Being at home with your children puts you in the prime position to be teaching and nurturing them all day long. I'm sure that can happen in a day care setting as well, but I know I wouldn't want that for my family.

Staying home with young children, is also, at times exhausting, lonely and confusing. Sometimes you feel like you are missing out on the "real world" and all that "wonderful" adult interaction. You just have to make an effort to get that for yourself. When your baby gets older, schedule playgroups with other moms. Go out on weekly date nights with your husband and with your girlfriends. Believe me you will need those times. Find a local rec center that has a good playcenter for your baby. And go once or twice a week.

It sounds like you know what's right for you and are ready to do what it takes to make it happen. Just remember, it's not always easy in the beginning. Sometimes you feel isolated and forgotten during the day. Make sure you reach out to family and friends for help. Get out to library classes for babies to meet new friends. Don't expect to get all that cleaning and errands done by yourself in the beginning. You will work up to it, but in the beginning give yourself time to adjust to your new job.

HTH, love, Heather
 
Thanks so much Heather! Sounds like you are very happy with the decision you have made and you gave me some great advice! I will definately keep it all in mind for when the time comes! I'm sure getting my days organized between caring for my newborn and keeping the house in order will be a challange at first, especially since I expect to have rather sleepless nights for a while...I will definately be asking for help if and when I feel I need it.

I just hope that no one tries to "push" thier assistance on me when I don't feel it is needed, or when I'm just not up for the company. I have been advised to be tough about that and turn people down if I feel I need to so as not to make myself crazy. I can be a softie and a push over so this could be hard for me, especially when I know these people will only be trying to help, but I guess I'll have to just buck up and do it..for my own sanity's sake!

Thanks for sharing and congrats on baby #3! That is so wonderful!:D
Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
I have been debating on whether to respond to question because this debate seems to always get hot and heavy. however it seems to me that everyone answered honestly and noone got upset and/or offended. How wonderful!!

I had to go to work after having my first child because i was a single mother (didn't start out that way). So i really didn't have a choice in the matter. It did kill me to have to leave him but luckily for me my mother watched him for the first year. I am now expecting my second child with my husband and we are both tossing the idea around about how we want to handle this situation. On one hand i agree with the poster that felt she needed the time away and on the other hand i agree with those that want to be there for every milestone. Since i am only 9 weeks pg....i have awhile to think about what i want to do. I am thinking about staying home for a year and then returning to work.

Good luck with your decision, and best of luck to all of us hardworking mommies whether we work in or outside of the home!!
 
Wendy -
I was floored when my dh and I went around to child care centers for my son. I expected to pay $400-$500 per month, but it was more along the lines of $800-$900 per month. We paid $205 per week for my son when he was an infant in 1999. We lived in a suburb of Chicago then. Now, we live outside of Detroit and the childcare expenses are about the same. Yes, it would definitely not be worth it to work for many people when you add in the other expenses associated with working (gas, train, dry cleaning, etc.)

We have a very outrageous childcare bill right now with 3 kids in child care (which is why I said in my previous post that it would make more sense for my dh to stay at home). I think it's even a tougher decision for a dad to decide to stay at home with kids though. I know my dh would definitely feel pressure from his own mom if that's what he decided to do. He likes his work so it's worth it for him to continue working even if it's just to pay the child care bill for now and to keep up his skills (he's a graphic artist).

Michelle
 
Sunny,

I can see how making the choice between SAHM and working mom can be a toughie as there are obvious pros and cons to each side...that is why it is such a personal decision and NO ONE should put anyone else down for the decision they make regarding this subject. This is why I made sure to state before I even asked my question that I am not looking to start a debate/war over this! I just wanted to have a friendly conversation about the topic and since we have such wonderful ladies here, that is exactly what has occurred-a friendly conversation.:D

Good luck with your decision regarding baby # 2! I'm sure whatever choice you make will make you very happy!

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
Hi Michelle,

I haven't even priced child care in my area yet (central NJ) but it is on my list of things to do. Although I know what I ultimately want to do, if somehow it works out that my working is the obvious better choice for us for financial reasons than I will certainly consider it.

You said your DH really enjoys his work. That is wonderful. I think part of my drive to be a SAHM is due to the fact that I don't LOVE my job...jeez, I hardly even like it much at all most days anymore! lol It's JUST a job...it helps to pay the bills...that's all it is to me...which is why I am so willing to give it up. If I really enjoyed what I did than I definately think I would have a tougher time making the decision between SAHM and working mom.

My DH is definately the one making more of the $ in the family so he would never be the one to stay home at this point but we used to joke that if I ever got some big time position in my company where I was pullin' in the dough, he'd be very happy to play Mr. Mom and stay home with the kids. I thought that was really cool of him.

Well, gotta run!

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~
Due Date: 5/19/05

http://www.bullmarketer.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/Sports/exercise/thumb_exercise15.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN
 
Hi Wendy! Wow-good post. I have been posting regulary on the Moms-to-Be forum, and am due with my first (a boy) on 3/31. I will be taking a maternity leave from the delivery date till next school year. I am a 1st grade teacher, and I LOVE my job. My DH and I have talked about what I would do when I began having kids, and we have agreed that it is best that I work.

Here are some of the biggest reasons I will be returning to work in late August:
I love the interaction I have with the adults I work with, I have a lot of friends at work, and I really love teaching first grade. The hours are great (I work 5 min. from where I live), we found a private home daycare that has come very highly recommended and is right across the street from where my DH teaches, my DH and I are equal breadwinners, I have the summers off and I, like some of the other posters, feel that the time I spend with my son will be higher quality that if I was home all day (I am just speaking for me-given my personality).

Who knows how I will feel about this when the time actually comes (no one can predict that), but this is the plan for now.
-Jen:)
 
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