If you are a working mom (i.e. this does not include moms who work only while their kids are in school) and you do not have to work for whatever reason, what made you decide to go to work rather than stay home with your children? I am just curious, that's all. I am a SAHM that does not have to work for financial reasons and am really curious why those of you who don't have to work choose to do so.
stay-at-home mom vs. working mom
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mom23dolls
Cathlete
I'm a working mom of three, 15 and 13 year old girls and a 6 year old boy. I just posted something about this on the pregnancy forum where those wonderful ladies are having a respectful discussion of this topic. Here's what I said:
I always hated working and being away from the kids and it started out as a major source of conflict in my marriage, but my husband and I both felt that we had to each be able to support the family if necessary due to a job loss or some other situation, and we also agreed that we would arrange our work schedules so that one of us was always with the kids. This worked out wonderfully for the kids, but it always bothered me in a purely selfish way. Anyway, the reason we chose to work our child care in that way was because when I was maternity leave with my first child, two friends of ours died very young and very unexpectedly. The first was a man killed in a car accident leaving a SAHM wife who hadn't worked in years and eventually lost their house. The second was a SAHM who died of a brain aneurysm leaving a 1-year old and a 4 year-old and a husband who had always worked long hours and was a benevolent stranger to his kids after mom was gone. Obviously, these are extreme cases, but it made my husband and I really do some thinking and what ended up working for us was to have us each be co-parents in every way. I think my kids are better for it.
Carole
I always hated working and being away from the kids and it started out as a major source of conflict in my marriage, but my husband and I both felt that we had to each be able to support the family if necessary due to a job loss or some other situation, and we also agreed that we would arrange our work schedules so that one of us was always with the kids. This worked out wonderfully for the kids, but it always bothered me in a purely selfish way. Anyway, the reason we chose to work our child care in that way was because when I was maternity leave with my first child, two friends of ours died very young and very unexpectedly. The first was a man killed in a car accident leaving a SAHM wife who hadn't worked in years and eventually lost their house. The second was a SAHM who died of a brain aneurysm leaving a 1-year old and a 4 year-old and a husband who had always worked long hours and was a benevolent stranger to his kids after mom was gone. Obviously, these are extreme cases, but it made my husband and I really do some thinking and what ended up working for us was to have us each be co-parents in every way. I think my kids are better for it.
Carole
jdifischer
Cathlete
I was lurking. I stay at home. We choose a life insurance policy that would enable me to stay at home if something happened to my husband. Also one on me of lesser value to cover the house and college.
Dawn
Dawn
toastythemosty
Cathlete
I am a SAHM. I like to be in control. If my children get sick at school or it snows unexpectedly, I like to be here for them. I am also picky about keeping things in order and having a nice clean house. I did have to work full time when my children were very young because I was very young too (early 20's), it was not easy and I use to stay up until after midnight cleaning because I have to have everything a certain way, but my mother watched our children so I never had to worry about them.
I am also a powerseller on ebay so if I want to make a few bucks, I go there, but it is not big time money by no means, at least not for me.
This is kind of a hard question too because I also want to help my children out as much as possible with college too, etc. so if I was making good money, my children would be better off, "on the material side" of things, but for now, I get to keep my sanity and my children know where to find mom if they need me.
I really admire all the full time working moms out there because it is really tough to manage soooo much.
Charlotte~~
I am also a powerseller on ebay so if I want to make a few bucks, I go there, but it is not big time money by no means, at least not for me.
This is kind of a hard question too because I also want to help my children out as much as possible with college too, etc. so if I was making good money, my children would be better off, "on the material side" of things, but for now, I get to keep my sanity and my children know where to find mom if they need me.
I really admire all the full time working moms out there because it is really tough to manage soooo much.
Charlotte~~
mom23dolls
Cathlete
My husband and I wanted each of us to be able to support the family if necessary, which would have required a very large insurance policy to cover the house, monthly health insurance costs until a job could be found, as well as other living expenses in the event one of us passed away. Having been scared to death by our friend's situation, we decided to make sure we both were employed. Ultimately, though, every family is different and what works for one doesn't work for others. The X factor in my family's equation is that my husband wanted to be a co-parent and was determined to find a way to make that possible, so . . .
Carole
Carole
dss62467
Cathlete
Well, I am a working mom and actually HAVE to work because I'm married to an artist ('nuff said). I make about $10K more than he does a year...but even if that wasn't the case...I would still work.
I couldn't spend 24/7 taking care of my daughter. I need the mental stimulation that I get from my job. I also feel that my daughter needs the interaction she gets with the other children at her daycare/preschool. And she learns a lot from her teachers at school. I don't feel qualified to teach her a lot of the things she has learned. Yes, I taught her how to count, her letters, shapes and colors - but there are other things she's learned that I just didn't have the patience to teach her myself.
I also want her to grow up with the realization that she should only rely on herself to take care of herself when she's older. I could never, ever be dependant on my husband for my financial support. I want her to strive to become a self-supporter and never feel trapped into a situation where she relies on a man to take care of her.
The thought of becoming a SAHM and getting out of the workforce scared the heck out of me. If my husband and I were to split up, or something happen to him where I was forced to go back into the workforce, my skills wouldn't be in demand and I'd earn a lot less than what I'd need.
On the other hand, I really do keep myself back when it comes to climbing the ladder. I could be in a position much higher than I am, but I refuse to sacrifice the time that I do have with my daughter. I put in my 35 hours and rarely stay late. Everyone who works with me knows that she is my priority. Thankfully I work in a non-profit organizaion where family obligations are not frowned upon. However, I doubt I'll get up higher than a manager level for quite some time.
I couldn't spend 24/7 taking care of my daughter. I need the mental stimulation that I get from my job. I also feel that my daughter needs the interaction she gets with the other children at her daycare/preschool. And she learns a lot from her teachers at school. I don't feel qualified to teach her a lot of the things she has learned. Yes, I taught her how to count, her letters, shapes and colors - but there are other things she's learned that I just didn't have the patience to teach her myself.
I also want her to grow up with the realization that she should only rely on herself to take care of herself when she's older. I could never, ever be dependant on my husband for my financial support. I want her to strive to become a self-supporter and never feel trapped into a situation where she relies on a man to take care of her.
The thought of becoming a SAHM and getting out of the workforce scared the heck out of me. If my husband and I were to split up, or something happen to him where I was forced to go back into the workforce, my skills wouldn't be in demand and I'd earn a lot less than what I'd need.
On the other hand, I really do keep myself back when it comes to climbing the ladder. I could be in a position much higher than I am, but I refuse to sacrifice the time that I do have with my daughter. I put in my 35 hours and rarely stay late. Everyone who works with me knows that she is my priority. Thankfully I work in a non-profit organizaion where family obligations are not frowned upon. However, I doubt I'll get up higher than a manager level for quite some time.
I worked for 18 years, in a factory, while my kids were little. I got up at 3-4a.m. everyday, dragged them out of bed, and went to work for 9 or 10 hours. Then I stumbled on a direct sales business, and I am happier than I have ever been. My children are older now, 16 and 18, but I am still glad to be at home with them, although I don't know if they think that!? Even though they are older, they still require alot of care, and I am happy it finally worked for me to be home.
Lori
Lori
mom23dolls
Cathlete
Quoting: I also want her to grow up with the realization that she should only rely on herself to take care of herself when she's older. I could never, ever be dependant on my husband for my financial support. I want her to strive to become a self-supporter and never feel trapped into a situation where she relies on a man to take care of her.
The thought of becoming a SAHM and getting out of the workforce scared the heck out of me. If my husband and I were to split up, or something happen to him where I was forced to go back into the workforce, my skills wouldn't be in demand and I'd earn a lot less than what I'd need."
***********************
I could have written that. I know it shouldn't matter, but I couldn't let anyone else be responsible for keeping a roof over my kids' heads. My very own neurosis.
I also scaled back my career to be able to walk out the door at 5:00. There'll be time to make other choices when the kids are older. Actually, when the youngest is older because the girls have such busy and interesting lives that I could be more flexible at work, but my baby still needs me.
Carole
The thought of becoming a SAHM and getting out of the workforce scared the heck out of me. If my husband and I were to split up, or something happen to him where I was forced to go back into the workforce, my skills wouldn't be in demand and I'd earn a lot less than what I'd need."
***********************
I could have written that. I know it shouldn't matter, but I couldn't let anyone else be responsible for keeping a roof over my kids' heads. My very own neurosis.
I also scaled back my career to be able to walk out the door at 5:00. There'll be time to make other choices when the kids are older. Actually, when the youngest is older because the girls have such busy and interesting lives that I could be more flexible at work, but my baby still needs me.
Carole
dss62467
Cathlete
Carole - when I was at my old job, in the for-profit sector, the executives' kids would come in on Bring Your Child to Work Day and they were obnoxious, slutty, self-important...you name it! My baby was still just under a year and that's when I decided that I wasn't going to go that route. I negotiated to work 2 days from home, so she could be home with me. Then that job got phased out and I came to the place I'm at now. It's only 35 hours a week, so they let me do it in 4 days. I go in at 7:00 a.m. and get out at 4:15 p.m. Her preschool day is pretty long, but we still get home early enough so we can spend a good 4 hours together, plus we get the whole weekend and Wednesday.
I don't think that I'll be going up that ladder until she's well into her teens and has established her morale code. Maybe after she goes to college.
I don't think that I'll be going up that ladder until she's well into her teens and has established her morale code. Maybe after she goes to college.
dss62467
Cathlete
Charlotte - something I've often wondered about people who sell a lot of stuff on eBay...where do you get the stuff to sell? I've bought brand new clothes and shoes off of there for basically nothing. Part of me thinks that what I'm buying was shoplifted, and that kinda bugs me. But I'm sure the vast majority of sellers get their stuff the honest way, but I just don't know what that is....
jdifischer
Cathlete
Lori - if you don't mind me asking - what direct sales job are you in to?
Dawn
Dawn
nancy324
Cathlete
Even though I don't have any kids, I totally relate to what Donna is saying. As an adult, I became frightened of the idea of not being able to earn my own way in life and appalled at the idea of being supported. Even though I love kids, I'm not good at multi-tasking, and didn't think I could be good at both career and child care, so I just didn't have any kids. I'm so grateful now though for my stepson, whom I "obtained" when he was all grown up.
Editing to say I'm in awe of women who do it all. My hat is off to you all!
Editing to say I'm in awe of women who do it all. My hat is off to you all!
The idea that my husband is "supporting me" is totally foreign. I don't even think that way. We have a partnership. He works and makes the money to pays the bills and I raise the kids. I guess I am not worried about not being able to earn my own way in life because I have an education and we made the necessary financial arrangements (i.e. life insurance) so I won't have to worry about it if something does happen to him. I just don't even think about what would happen if we split up because that just ain't gonna happen. Bad mindset to have going into a marriage. Both of us are products of broken marriages and we will not do that to our kids.
mom23dolls
Cathlete
>The idea that my husband is "supporting me" is totally
>foreign. I don't even think that way. We have a partnership.
> He works and makes the money to pays the bills and I raise
>the kids. I guess I am not worried about not being able to
>earn my own way in life because I have an education and we
>made the necessary financial arrangements (i.e. life
>insurance) so I won't have to worry about it if something does
>happen to him. I just don't even think about what would
>happen if we split up because that just ain't gonna happen.
>Bad mindset to have going into a marriage. Both of us are
>products of broken marriages and we will not do that to our
>kids.
I can see your point, but people of goodwill can feel differently. I have a very deep-seated need to take care of myself at all times and my husband appreciates not having to shoulder any burden alone. I have a BS and my husband has an MS, so we are educated, as was my friend whose husband died. Actually, my sister has an MS and has been out of work for a few months now, so education is no guarantee. I pray that our marriage will last forever, but who knows? I project no further than planning how to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year.
Carole
>foreign. I don't even think that way. We have a partnership.
> He works and makes the money to pays the bills and I raise
>the kids. I guess I am not worried about not being able to
>earn my own way in life because I have an education and we
>made the necessary financial arrangements (i.e. life
>insurance) so I won't have to worry about it if something does
>happen to him. I just don't even think about what would
>happen if we split up because that just ain't gonna happen.
>Bad mindset to have going into a marriage. Both of us are
>products of broken marriages and we will not do that to our
>kids.
I can see your point, but people of goodwill can feel differently. I have a very deep-seated need to take care of myself at all times and my husband appreciates not having to shoulder any burden alone. I have a BS and my husband has an MS, so we are educated, as was my friend whose husband died. Actually, my sister has an MS and has been out of work for a few months now, so education is no guarantee. I pray that our marriage will last forever, but who knows? I project no further than planning how to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year.
Carole
dss62467
Cathlete
It is the wrong mindset to have going into a marriage and I've learned that nothing is for certain. I did not and do not ever plan to have anything happen to my marriage, but most people who get divorced never planned for it either. Life happens and people change. Actually, I'm very lucky that dh and I are still together after the period of time between having my daughter and getting on thyroid medication. I was depressed for over 3 years and didn't even know it. But I was miserable and not especially nice to my husband, but I thought it was all his fault. A lesser man would have said, "Nuts to you!" and been out the door.
We have a lot of life insurance ourselves, but I don't think that would carry either of us through so that the survivor wouldn't have to work. Especially with the high cost of college looming in the future. Even a state school is going to cost what it cost to send us to private school in the 1980's. We've been saving since she was 8 weeks old, but who knows if we'll have enough.
Even with an education, you still have to start at the bottom and work your way up, and if you're middle-aged with no work experience - that education isn't worth any more than a high school diploma.
Nope, there's no way I'd put myself in any of those situations.
We have a lot of life insurance ourselves, but I don't think that would carry either of us through so that the survivor wouldn't have to work. Especially with the high cost of college looming in the future. Even a state school is going to cost what it cost to send us to private school in the 1980's. We've been saving since she was 8 weeks old, but who knows if we'll have enough.
Even with an education, you still have to start at the bottom and work your way up, and if you're middle-aged with no work experience - that education isn't worth any more than a high school diploma.
Nope, there's no way I'd put myself in any of those situations.
Whatever you or anybody decides:
It's important to do what is right for YOU. If you go to work because you don't want to loose your independence but in your heart, you are sad to leave the baby behind - stay home. Work is not worth the heartache.
If you stay home because you think it's better for the baby but you'd rather be at work: Go to work! Don't sacrifice yourself for somebody else.
I am home for eleven years now. As my first baby was born, I was sure that I'd be going back to work. I even had a nanny lined up but than I had her and I knew in my heart that I couldn't leave her - so I quit my job and never regret it.
It's important to do what is right for YOU. If you go to work because you don't want to loose your independence but in your heart, you are sad to leave the baby behind - stay home. Work is not worth the heartache.
If you stay home because you think it's better for the baby but you'd rather be at work: Go to work! Don't sacrifice yourself for somebody else.
I am home for eleven years now. As my first baby was born, I was sure that I'd be going back to work. I even had a nanny lined up but than I had her and I knew in my heart that I couldn't leave her - so I quit my job and never regret it.
mom23dolls
Cathlete
Wow Donna you have thyroid disease, too? I posted my "return from hell" post the other day and the core of my year-long odyssey of illness and baldness was Hashimoto's disease.
Carole
Carole
mom23dolls
Cathlete
Hashimoto's is a form of hypothyroidism, but it is an auto-immune disease similar to lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. In my particular case (everyone is different, of course) my immune system attacked and killed my thyroid and then went after my red blood cells. At its worst, my hemoglobin count was just over five and I lost a substantial amount of my hair, as well as my ability to sleep and other fun stuff. But I'm doing pretty well now, so who am I to complain?
Carole
Carole