SO stories again...help

D

divagirl

Cathlete
I don't know why I did this but I sent an email saying everything I needed to say about how I felt for my closure etc. etc.

Then I get an email back where he doesn't address really any of what I said other than to tell me these things said (the stories) were all insignificant little jokes which I misconstrued and won't let go insisting they are "lies". He never apologized for how mean he was in his last conversation just says that he was hurt too because I don't trust him and trust is the most important thing in a relationship and without trust there is no love. He says he's in love with me and our last conversation was hurtful to him too because I continue to pursue the "lying" argument. He says if I can't trust him then I shouldn't be with him. WTF...this stupid letter of his put me in a tailspin because I think he really believes that he's hurt that I don't trust him or is he manipulating me??

Tina
 
I didn't respond to your other thread because there was a ton of good advice given to you. As in RUN. Get out. Etc.

Let this latest email from him be your FINAL wake up call to stay away from him. For good.
 
Honey, if it were closure you were after, than you wouldn't care what his reply was.

I know it's easier said than done, but you have to stop giving this guy permission to belittle you. He's playing you...stop letting him. Lose his e-mail address. Unfortunately, when you ignore him for a while, he'll probably get in touch and try to make things right (for HIMSELF).

Please take this time to get some distance and strength. You know he's a jerk. It doesn't matter what we think (but, hey, everyone here thinks he's a jerk, too.) It's up to you...and you still seem to be seeking a reason for him to stay in your mind and in your life.

PLEASE, don't give into this.
 
I think you know the answer. The harder part is accepting what you know to be true and being firm with yourself about stopping the contact. Easier said than done, I know.

Good luck....

Marie
 
WHY ARE YOU PUSHING THE ISSUE? Didn't the other thread indicate that you two had broken it off over this incident (and it appears, some other underlying issues as well)? Let it go. I know that's easier said than done, but every piece of advice you've gotten here is to thank the good lord he's gone, be happy you no longer have to deal with these issues, and realize there is someone better for you. Don't push it - drop it. Go have a kick-a** workout, pick up a good book, and leave him be. (((HUGS))) to you because you'll need them, but don't keep setting yourself up to get hurt by communicating with him - for closure or not.


Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6
 
Really, you need to just let this all go and leave it alone. I dated a man who was completely controlling and manipulative. He would eventually tell me things I wanted to hear to make me feel better, but he ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, blamed me or everyone else for his own actions/problems, especially if he were "caught" or stood up to unexpectedly. And yes, he does truly believe he is the victim... and always will.

We broke up well over a year ago and he's engaged to be married to from what I can tell is a great woman, and he is STILL making up stories to make himself the victim. Anything that's ever happened to him is my fault, I intentionally ruined his life, I destroyed everything he's ever known, etc, etc. It's hard for me to keep my mouth shut and let him get the last word, especially when there are so many lies and he just flat out berates me, but the fact is that he will always try to be the victim, and 99% of the time, he will believe he is as well.

You just need to find peace within yourself that this is the right thing and that he won't change. You won't get closure because he believes he's the one who deserves it, not you. You need to stop communicating with him all together and move on.
 
Here's your help - let it go! This loser is not worth torturing yourself over - are you really surprised that you got that response given the crap he's dished out over the 4 months you've known him?

Why don't you join E-Harmony.com or Match.com and get someone compatible?
 
Tina,
His response should not put you in a tailspin...it is, without a doubt, manipulation...Maybe it is easier for us as outsiders to see it, but that's what it is. Just remember: *he's* messed up here - not you. It sucks that it did not turn out the way you hoped it to be, but recognize that you have to move on...it's a dead-end street. Keep busy, work out hard, treat yourself well, and whatever else you do, DO NOT contact him anymore. And if he reaches out to you (I imagine he probably will), do not answer or return his calls, either. He is not worth your time or tears.

Hang in there!
Cathy :)
 
Really, it sounds like more-of-the-same from him. WHY are you letting him have this power over you? He causes only distress in your life, let him go. I can't think of a single reason to keep this guy around. He's poison to your serenity.
 
{{{Then I get an email back where he doesn't address really any of what I said other than to tell me these things said (the stories) were all insignificant little jokes which I misconstrued and won't let go insisting they are "lies". He never apologized for how mean he was in his last conversation}}}

Look again at your own words before here before you even give him the time of day again. Seriously. He never apologized for how mean he was...RIGHT THERE Divagirl. He's totally deflecting this onto you, and that, from what you've said about him, is totally his character, and not one to write home to mom about. He's constantly saying to you that women are crazy, okay this guy is a total game player. He's trying to make you feel like you maybe ARE crazy, and you're just acting irrationally. I think you're writing here to affirm your own thoughts, and rightfully so. I hope you stop communication with him, and move on to better things in your life. They're out there waiting for you. Start fresh, it's a new year. And please, continue to post your thoughts, we're here.

Brandi:)
 
>{{{Then I get an email back where he doesn't address really
>any of what I said other than to tell me these things said
>(the stories) were all insignificant little jokes which I
>misconstrued and won't let go insisting they are "lies". He
>never apologized for how mean he was in his last
>conversation}}}

You know, it could just be that you just don't like me who crack "insignificant little jokes". Maybe you think "insignificant little jokes" are lies and don't like men that lie. Hmmm??? He didn't apologize, and HE is hurt???

Get out. Be strong, even though it is hard. Be smart!! I have nothing more to add to this situation.
 
>Honey, if it were closure you were after, than you wouldn't
>care what his reply was.

I agree 100% with TeTe here! You're always going to be fighting a losing battle here if you persue this. It's impossible to make another person apologize or recognize where they were mean or went wrong if they just don't. He'll never admit that his behavior was the cause of the breakup. If he was the type to admit he was wrong, you would still be together!

Fortunately, the really great thing about breaking up (if there is anything great about it, ha, ha) is that, from that point on, whatever the other person wants, thinks, feels, says, or does is no longer your responsibility or concern. He can't manipulate you any more if you focus on the freedom that breaking up gives you. Ignore the guy.

Best wishes, and be strong,

Mary
 
Tina, if your best friend told you her SO was treating her this way, what would you advise her?

Sometimes you need to be strong and step away from your emotions; think with your head and not with your heart.

It's hard, I know.

Diane
 
I appreciate everyone's support and I am sure I will figure it out in time. I've had people who are close to me read the emails that have gone back and forth and one of my good friends thinks that he really does love me and is hurting but is just immature and unable to communicate the way I do by getting so defensive and angry.

And yes, he does insist these things said are practical jokes said in front of other people and not just me... which is true. The thing that sits the hardest with me is the way he gets angry anytime he is confronted by me. I am scheduling a visit with an old therapist of mine to sort out all of this out with a professional and will just take a break from him for a while. This man has never belittled me,been controlling or manipulative other than when I've approached him when I'm upset over something...then it is his immediate response. Its definitely a concern for me though. He admits he knows he has done these things when angry but of course also keeps saying that he also felt attacked.
 
No new advice here, but I wanted to point out that people usually behave at their best during courtship -- if this is his best, are you interested in hanging around for his worst?
 
Tina - have you thought about maybe inviting your SO to this therapy session? Maybe a third party can help you both understand each other better so that you can avoid these feelings of anger and frustration.

I have no piped in because I do not know the full story. And I'm sure we're hearing this filtered from your point of view. If you love him and think you have a chance with him but want closure on this situation - take him with you. If he won't go - well, there could be a problem.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top