BelovedHeather
Cathlete
I have been a member here for over a year. I am so thankful for the friendships that have developed through the check-ins. I was asked earlier this year to post a picture so my forum friends could put a face with my name, but I was not ready. I locked my PictureTrail when I joined Cathe’s forums and read all the negative comments about Cedie and others. Cedie is not fat at all in my opinion. She is beautiful. On the other hand, I am not just a little overweight. I am obese.
After reading the judgmental comments about obese people, I feel compelled to share my story. I hope I do not regret this. Not everyone who reads these forums looks like Cathe, but I do not expect you to understand what it feels like if you have never personally battled obesity and lived as a fat woman in a society that hates you based on nothing more than your outward appearance.
I have battled emotional eating and weight my entire life. My father abandoned me when I was a baby, and I started eating for comfort as soon as I was old enough to walk to the refrigerator. I was already developing emotional eating issues in preschool. I was a chubby child. Mom married a man who hated fat people, so I definitely heard about it. I was also raised in a Southern home. Everything was fried or cooked in bacon grease. Think Paula Deen! I was very sedentary too. I have never been athletic at all, but I loved to dance. Instead of fixing more nutritious meals and encouraging me to participate in more recreational activity, I was put on my first diet when I was 9 years old. It was low calorie and must have been low carb because I remember taking a hot dog to school in a thermos. I felt deprived and different from all my friends who enjoyed chips and dessert with lunch. I started stealing money from my mother's purse to buy ice cream and junk. That first diet started me on the roller coaster of starving and the binge eating that always resulted. In my experience, every period of deprivation is followed by an equally extreme binge.
Fast forward to high school. I had always wanted a cat, and my mother finally got a kitten for me. Brandy was hit by a car and killed during my sophomore year in high school. Later that year, my best friend was raped and murdered when we were both 15 years old. I was devastated. Not only were these my very first experiences with death, but both of them represented unconditional love to me. Brandy and Lisa did not care what I looked like. They loved me for my heart.
I lost interest in food and settled into a size 8 at 108 pounds. (A size 8 is my ideal size and my ultimate goal by the way. I am only 5'3" but have curvy hips. I would likely look good as small as a size 6, but I do not think it would be realistic for me to maintain.) The summer before my senior year in high school, I was at an amusement park with my family eating an ice cream cone when a family member told me that I was too fat to be eating that and warned me that I would be alone for the rest of my life if I did not look the way other girls look. I was given teen magazines with pictures of what size and body type was acceptable and worthy of being loved. I weighed 108 pounds. That is on the low end of the healthy weight range for my height. I was not model thin, but I was not fat by any stretch of the imagination. That moment was my breaking point. I had never dreamed of money or fame or material possessions. All I have ever wanted is to be loved. I was willing to die for it. I made up my mind that if being thin was what it took to be loved then I would lose weight at any cost. I did not eat for several weeks and quickly dropped down to 94 pounds. I weighed 88 pounds by the time I graduated. My body fat was so low that my cycle stopped, and I was having a lot of medical problems. Even then, the smallest I wore was a size 5 because of my hips. My waist was tiny, my legs had no meat on them, and I looked emaciated. Not thin like a model, but extremely thin like a starving child in a third world country. My grandmother told me that she had nightmares after seeing my legs. There are no size 0 jeans in my future. That is just not in my genetic makeup.
I went from starving myself to binge eating and purging with as many as 45 laxatives a day in addition to diuretics. Yes, I was loved when I was thin. It was superficial at best and not the unconditional love I desperately desired. I rebelled and returned to comfort eating. I binged my way up to 260 pounds and was stuffing myself into a women's size 28 at my top weight.
In desperation, I starved off 111 pounds in my late 20s with no exercise. I did not do it the right way, and every pound I lost found me again. I topped out at 260 pounds for the second time. Then I fasted and exercised like crazy and dropped 50 pounds in 6 weeks. Yes, 6 weeks. I topped out at 260 pounds for the third and last time. I started my fitness journey on July 4, 2003, at 260 pounds in women's size 28 shorts. I wrote a letter to the Lord surrendering food and my weight to Him, tied it to balloons, and released it. Even though I have done some emotional eating, I have been binge free since that day by the grace of God. No more extreme diets for me. No matter how many years it takes to reach my goal, I want to do it in a way that blesses my body this time.
When I dropped that 111 pounds and got down to 149 pounds in my late 20s, I was devastated to realize how much better people treated me. I did not want to be loved just because I suddenly measured up to society's expectations. I wanted to be loved unconditionally. It may be too much to expect, but it is not to much to ask. I believe this is one of the reasons why I tend to sabotage myself when I get comfortably below 200 pounds. It upsets me when people start treating me with more respect just because I am getting smaller.
This has been a longer and more challenging journey than I anticipated. I was a hardcore binge eater. During my darkest hour, I ate over 20,000 calories in a 24-hour period. I drank 18-24 cans of Dr. Pepper a day. I chewed 100 pieces of bubble gum a day. I always thought the weight would just fall off if I ever got my eating under control. I was so wrong. I have not binged since July 2003. I eat clean most of the time (but still battle emotional eating occasionally). I exercise consistently. And I am fighting just to maintain a larger size. The first 30 pounds was relatively easy to shed and the next 10 was doable and maintainable, but I have been gaining and losing the same 20-40 pounds for 3 years. It is very frustrating and not for a lack of trying. No, I do not have any medical issues other than food allergies. Yes, I am fat. I am very aware of it and working to change that reality. In the unlikely event that I forgot, someone is always more than willing to rise up and remind me.
For most of my life, I have been judged for the way I look. I have had a lot of abusive and hateful and deeply hurtful things said to me about my size. When I started my fitness journey on July 4, 2003, I dropped from a size 28 to a size 22 in 6 months with exercise and good nutrition. I was so excited because I was finally doing this the right way after years of eating disorders, compulsive dieting, and binge eating. Then I went to my baby brother’s wedding and was asked to sit in the back of the church instead of up front with the rest of the family (due to my size). Can you even imagine what it feels like when your own family is ashamed to be seen in public with you? I have been told by a member of my family that I am not pretty enough to live in Texas and that I should move to the Midwest where all the corn-fed women live. I have been told by a spiritual leader that I do not love God and that I am going to hell. I have been told by a career missionary that I have no reason to smile because I look like a roped pig and ought to be ashamed of myself and that I am abusing my boss because he deserves to have a pretty and thin legal assistant. I have been asked why I bother working out because I do not look like someone who exercises. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Can you imagine what it feels like to have people assume that you are lazy, stupid, and unprofessional based on your size?
I want to be fit and free. I am not changing for anyone else, but comments like that by people I love are still daggers to my heart even though I should not care what other people think of me. I have been on the receiving end of so many negative and discouraging comments through the years, and this is still a tender area for me. I am very sensitive. I need to get over this, and I am working on it. I am so glad God looks at my heart, not my outward appearance. I have always dreamed of shedding all this excess fat and starting over in a new place. I have always wanted to experience what it would be like for people to see through these mounds of fat and get to know the Heather I know and love. I want people to see my heart and love me for who I am and not the way I look or the size of my butt. Through these forums, I get to experience a taste of this. People who read my messages do not know what I look like. You know my heart through the words I write, and my words are far more beautiful than my body. I love the fact that I can be heard and not seen. That is the glory of the internet for me.
I am giving up all that for the Road Trip. My desire to meet Cathe and my check-in friends is greater than my fear of comments people may make about me. Life is short. I have dreamed of attending a Cathe Road Trip since the last one. I was hoping to be at my goal weight by now, but I decided not to let that stop me. I am not going to wait until I reach some magical number on the scale to start living and loving life. I am stepping way outside my comfort zone with this Road Trip.
In the beginning of this amazing journey, I walked by faith and was delivered from 80 pounds in 9 months. I had a childlike faith, and my plan was simple. I ate for the glory of God and exercised as an act of worship. I simply ate less and moved more. My meals and snacks were moderately clean and balanced. When I wanted something like pizza, I enjoyed it but fixed it with a whole wheat pita and organic pasta sauce. My workouts were fun and filled with cardio. I enjoyed eating what I loved when I was hungry but chose brands that did not contain hydrogenated oil or corn syrup. I chose fun workouts that were a joy and a delight to experience. Then I joined fitness forums, started reading too much for my own good, got overwhelmed with all the contradictory advice presented, started riding the roller coaster with my weight, and ultimately regained 40 of those pounds. It is time for me to return to the sweet simplicity of what I know works for me and stop searching for something better.
I met a Road Tripper this morning! I have been checking in with Jean (dreamyjeanie) for over a year, and it was such a delight to spend time with her this morning. She asked if we could meet for lunch, and I suggested a trip to the zoo instead. We walked over 2 miles this morning and had a great time. I am feeling much better about the Road Trip after meeting Jean. I added a picture of us to my PictureTrail. Since I signed up for the Road Trip, I have been battling the temptation to get this weight off at any cost, but I am not willing to go there. I want to do this the right way this time. I decided to share my picture now and get that out of the way so I can look forward to the Road Trip without feeling anxious about being seen. Any progress I make will look better in comparison. No more pressure. I started over yesterday morning and returned to what worked for me in the beginning. I am still fat, but I am free! Hopefully, I will not be hauling a size 22 butt to Jersey in August.
My dream is that we as women can love and support each other for who we are and not the way we look. There is enough of that attitude in the world. Let's rise above it!
Blessings,
Heather B.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?&p=999&uid=3778596&gid=7800883&&imgid=256958122&offset=0
After reading the judgmental comments about obese people, I feel compelled to share my story. I hope I do not regret this. Not everyone who reads these forums looks like Cathe, but I do not expect you to understand what it feels like if you have never personally battled obesity and lived as a fat woman in a society that hates you based on nothing more than your outward appearance.
I have battled emotional eating and weight my entire life. My father abandoned me when I was a baby, and I started eating for comfort as soon as I was old enough to walk to the refrigerator. I was already developing emotional eating issues in preschool. I was a chubby child. Mom married a man who hated fat people, so I definitely heard about it. I was also raised in a Southern home. Everything was fried or cooked in bacon grease. Think Paula Deen! I was very sedentary too. I have never been athletic at all, but I loved to dance. Instead of fixing more nutritious meals and encouraging me to participate in more recreational activity, I was put on my first diet when I was 9 years old. It was low calorie and must have been low carb because I remember taking a hot dog to school in a thermos. I felt deprived and different from all my friends who enjoyed chips and dessert with lunch. I started stealing money from my mother's purse to buy ice cream and junk. That first diet started me on the roller coaster of starving and the binge eating that always resulted. In my experience, every period of deprivation is followed by an equally extreme binge.
Fast forward to high school. I had always wanted a cat, and my mother finally got a kitten for me. Brandy was hit by a car and killed during my sophomore year in high school. Later that year, my best friend was raped and murdered when we were both 15 years old. I was devastated. Not only were these my very first experiences with death, but both of them represented unconditional love to me. Brandy and Lisa did not care what I looked like. They loved me for my heart.
I lost interest in food and settled into a size 8 at 108 pounds. (A size 8 is my ideal size and my ultimate goal by the way. I am only 5'3" but have curvy hips. I would likely look good as small as a size 6, but I do not think it would be realistic for me to maintain.) The summer before my senior year in high school, I was at an amusement park with my family eating an ice cream cone when a family member told me that I was too fat to be eating that and warned me that I would be alone for the rest of my life if I did not look the way other girls look. I was given teen magazines with pictures of what size and body type was acceptable and worthy of being loved. I weighed 108 pounds. That is on the low end of the healthy weight range for my height. I was not model thin, but I was not fat by any stretch of the imagination. That moment was my breaking point. I had never dreamed of money or fame or material possessions. All I have ever wanted is to be loved. I was willing to die for it. I made up my mind that if being thin was what it took to be loved then I would lose weight at any cost. I did not eat for several weeks and quickly dropped down to 94 pounds. I weighed 88 pounds by the time I graduated. My body fat was so low that my cycle stopped, and I was having a lot of medical problems. Even then, the smallest I wore was a size 5 because of my hips. My waist was tiny, my legs had no meat on them, and I looked emaciated. Not thin like a model, but extremely thin like a starving child in a third world country. My grandmother told me that she had nightmares after seeing my legs. There are no size 0 jeans in my future. That is just not in my genetic makeup.
I went from starving myself to binge eating and purging with as many as 45 laxatives a day in addition to diuretics. Yes, I was loved when I was thin. It was superficial at best and not the unconditional love I desperately desired. I rebelled and returned to comfort eating. I binged my way up to 260 pounds and was stuffing myself into a women's size 28 at my top weight.
In desperation, I starved off 111 pounds in my late 20s with no exercise. I did not do it the right way, and every pound I lost found me again. I topped out at 260 pounds for the second time. Then I fasted and exercised like crazy and dropped 50 pounds in 6 weeks. Yes, 6 weeks. I topped out at 260 pounds for the third and last time. I started my fitness journey on July 4, 2003, at 260 pounds in women's size 28 shorts. I wrote a letter to the Lord surrendering food and my weight to Him, tied it to balloons, and released it. Even though I have done some emotional eating, I have been binge free since that day by the grace of God. No more extreme diets for me. No matter how many years it takes to reach my goal, I want to do it in a way that blesses my body this time.
When I dropped that 111 pounds and got down to 149 pounds in my late 20s, I was devastated to realize how much better people treated me. I did not want to be loved just because I suddenly measured up to society's expectations. I wanted to be loved unconditionally. It may be too much to expect, but it is not to much to ask. I believe this is one of the reasons why I tend to sabotage myself when I get comfortably below 200 pounds. It upsets me when people start treating me with more respect just because I am getting smaller.
This has been a longer and more challenging journey than I anticipated. I was a hardcore binge eater. During my darkest hour, I ate over 20,000 calories in a 24-hour period. I drank 18-24 cans of Dr. Pepper a day. I chewed 100 pieces of bubble gum a day. I always thought the weight would just fall off if I ever got my eating under control. I was so wrong. I have not binged since July 2003. I eat clean most of the time (but still battle emotional eating occasionally). I exercise consistently. And I am fighting just to maintain a larger size. The first 30 pounds was relatively easy to shed and the next 10 was doable and maintainable, but I have been gaining and losing the same 20-40 pounds for 3 years. It is very frustrating and not for a lack of trying. No, I do not have any medical issues other than food allergies. Yes, I am fat. I am very aware of it and working to change that reality. In the unlikely event that I forgot, someone is always more than willing to rise up and remind me.
For most of my life, I have been judged for the way I look. I have had a lot of abusive and hateful and deeply hurtful things said to me about my size. When I started my fitness journey on July 4, 2003, I dropped from a size 28 to a size 22 in 6 months with exercise and good nutrition. I was so excited because I was finally doing this the right way after years of eating disorders, compulsive dieting, and binge eating. Then I went to my baby brother’s wedding and was asked to sit in the back of the church instead of up front with the rest of the family (due to my size). Can you even imagine what it feels like when your own family is ashamed to be seen in public with you? I have been told by a member of my family that I am not pretty enough to live in Texas and that I should move to the Midwest where all the corn-fed women live. I have been told by a spiritual leader that I do not love God and that I am going to hell. I have been told by a career missionary that I have no reason to smile because I look like a roped pig and ought to be ashamed of myself and that I am abusing my boss because he deserves to have a pretty and thin legal assistant. I have been asked why I bother working out because I do not look like someone who exercises. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Can you imagine what it feels like to have people assume that you are lazy, stupid, and unprofessional based on your size?
I want to be fit and free. I am not changing for anyone else, but comments like that by people I love are still daggers to my heart even though I should not care what other people think of me. I have been on the receiving end of so many negative and discouraging comments through the years, and this is still a tender area for me. I am very sensitive. I need to get over this, and I am working on it. I am so glad God looks at my heart, not my outward appearance. I have always dreamed of shedding all this excess fat and starting over in a new place. I have always wanted to experience what it would be like for people to see through these mounds of fat and get to know the Heather I know and love. I want people to see my heart and love me for who I am and not the way I look or the size of my butt. Through these forums, I get to experience a taste of this. People who read my messages do not know what I look like. You know my heart through the words I write, and my words are far more beautiful than my body. I love the fact that I can be heard and not seen. That is the glory of the internet for me.
I am giving up all that for the Road Trip. My desire to meet Cathe and my check-in friends is greater than my fear of comments people may make about me. Life is short. I have dreamed of attending a Cathe Road Trip since the last one. I was hoping to be at my goal weight by now, but I decided not to let that stop me. I am not going to wait until I reach some magical number on the scale to start living and loving life. I am stepping way outside my comfort zone with this Road Trip.
In the beginning of this amazing journey, I walked by faith and was delivered from 80 pounds in 9 months. I had a childlike faith, and my plan was simple. I ate for the glory of God and exercised as an act of worship. I simply ate less and moved more. My meals and snacks were moderately clean and balanced. When I wanted something like pizza, I enjoyed it but fixed it with a whole wheat pita and organic pasta sauce. My workouts were fun and filled with cardio. I enjoyed eating what I loved when I was hungry but chose brands that did not contain hydrogenated oil or corn syrup. I chose fun workouts that were a joy and a delight to experience. Then I joined fitness forums, started reading too much for my own good, got overwhelmed with all the contradictory advice presented, started riding the roller coaster with my weight, and ultimately regained 40 of those pounds. It is time for me to return to the sweet simplicity of what I know works for me and stop searching for something better.
I met a Road Tripper this morning! I have been checking in with Jean (dreamyjeanie) for over a year, and it was such a delight to spend time with her this morning. She asked if we could meet for lunch, and I suggested a trip to the zoo instead. We walked over 2 miles this morning and had a great time. I am feeling much better about the Road Trip after meeting Jean. I added a picture of us to my PictureTrail. Since I signed up for the Road Trip, I have been battling the temptation to get this weight off at any cost, but I am not willing to go there. I want to do this the right way this time. I decided to share my picture now and get that out of the way so I can look forward to the Road Trip without feeling anxious about being seen. Any progress I make will look better in comparison. No more pressure. I started over yesterday morning and returned to what worked for me in the beginning. I am still fat, but I am free! Hopefully, I will not be hauling a size 22 butt to Jersey in August.
My dream is that we as women can love and support each other for who we are and not the way we look. There is enough of that attitude in the world. Let's rise above it!
Blessings,
Heather B.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?&p=999&uid=3778596&gid=7800883&&imgid=256958122&offset=0
