shared parenting/joint custody

[Joannafit]

I am looking to hear from fellow forum members who can share their parenting plans with me. My DH and I are divorcing and we have one son, age 9. I am buying a house 3/4 of a mile from where we live. I am a nurse who works 12 hour shifts. My son is very close to both of us, so we are attempting to cluster days together with him, and spend near equal time with him, without bouncing him back and forth like a tennis ball. ( if that is possible) We are able to be quite cordial and cooperative with each other, regarding our son.
Allowing my ex to see him every other weekend and perhaps a night during the week is not really fair:despite the 1000 reasons I can list not to stay married, being a bad dad is clearly NOT one of them. Feel free to PM me or respond here.

Thanks a million in advance.

 

[meowracer]

Joanna - first of all, I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this. That said, it sounds like both you and your husband have your son's best interest in heart and that is the most important thing. I have heard of people doing this and making it work. I have not been through it - my ex DH could not possible add "good dad" to his list of qualities - but know that it is 100% possible. You will be living so near to each other and I think it is awesome that your son will never doubt that he is loved and always has a home with both of you. It will be easy for him to go back and forth and to not have to feel like he is choosing, which has to be so hard for kids that are put in the middle of their parent's problems. You son is a lucky little boy.

 

[carres1973]

Joanna - I agree with Shana that it is great that you have your son's best interest in mind when planning things with your ex. Do you both live in the same school district? I have seen many parents that truly split the week. For example: Mom has the kids Sunday through Wednesday morning. Dad picks up the kids from school on Wednesday afternoon and has them through Saturday night. Summers will be trickier. I hate my current situation with my ex. However, I look at it as my "penance/punishment" for asking for the divorce. Must be the 12 years of Catholic school!

Good luck to you!

Carrie

 

[story1267]

Almost 10 years now

Joanna, I think you will be just fine. When DX and I divorced (I moved out 10 blissful years ago now) our kids were very little.

Since then we have made many, many, adjustments to our schedules - some minor, some major to accommodate the needs of the kids as well as work schedules, therapies, 20 million doctors appointments, school meetings, summer programs, jail time, you name it. But we've managed to maintain a fairly stable and close to 50/50 shared arrangement all this time.

The key is flexibility. When you put the kids needs first everyone will always win.

Now, it isn't easy, and it doesn't get easier necessarily. But, if you're already cordial with your ex, and you have just one kid between you that does really simplify things. If I didn't have kids with my DX I would have probably never been in contatct with him again after the divorce. But, we are in contact pretty much every single day, sometimes multiple times a day.

Summers are always a challenge, so, when you can, plan them well in advance.

I believe kids can survive, and even thrive, with divorced parents. Put the childs needs before your own, maintain your own happy home, let the kid love his dad as much as he loves you. You'll be fine. Best of luck.

Our plan? I have them every Monday, every Friday (except during the summers when they go camping with DX and step-mom), two weekends with them each month, two weekends without them each month, I take one kid one Thursday night each month, I do 100% of the doctors appointments (there are MANY), 100% of the education plans for both kids, much of the driving to and from school, programs, etc.

None of this is in writing anywhere - it's just the plan we've come up with over time. And I'm sure it'll change again.

 

[linedancinglady]

Parenting time

Hi Joanna,
Sorry to hear about your divorce.....

I've been divorced since 1994....my son just graduated from high school. My ex- and I always got along. He lived approx. 1/2 hour from us.

Our parenting time:

Nolan lived with me full-time. My ex- took him every Wednesday (supper till 9:30-10 p.m.). And every other weekend. For the summer, the court ordered that my ex- take him 5 weeks and he did just that.

We always worked out the visitation together for the holidays...that worked best for us; we didn't follow the specified "court order"!! I've taken Nolan to Florida over the entire Christmas Break; but we got it ok'd with his dad first. Plus, if we needed to switch weekends or if I needed my ex- to take him an extra one, he would. It's just so much easier to work together on it. As far as school events/ conferences, etc., I always let my ex- know in advance.

Sounds like you & your ex- will be able to work things out together. It's all about communication and flexibility!

Good luck with everything!

Patti

 

[martijean1]

We have a rotating 2 week schedule...

Us Monday/Tuesday
DX Wed/Thursday
Us Friday/Saturday/Sunday

The next week it's the opposite

DX Monday/Tuesday
Us Wed/Thursday
DX Friday/Saturday/Sunday

This was her request when she got older...She always felt like she was "missing" something at her dad's house...She isn't going for almost 2 weeks at a time without seeing her dad. It also makes it that the same parent isn't driving to youth group on Wed nights since it's rotated. This has worked quite well for the 3 years we've been doing it. DX is no longer in the school district, but drives on his mornings.

I am so glad that you and your soon to be ex are able to put aside your differences for the sake of your little one. We weren't able to for many, many years...

Best of luck to you!
MJ

 

[jansherman]

It sounds like you and the soon-to-be- ex are definitely willing to put your child first. My kids were 8 and 12 when we divorced. We've always been very cordial, and are now very good friends. Our initial arrangement was that the kids would be with each of us for 2 days in a row, then we'd alternate weekends. Holidays were easy - my family does Christmas on Christmas Eve, his on Christmas afternoon, and on Christmas morning, for the last 10 years, my ex has come over and we've opened presents together, had breakfast, and spent the morning together. This tradition is still going strong, and both of us are remarried. The other holidays we split - we'd each get them for half of the day (it certainly helps that we live in the same town).

When the kids got a little older, they wanted to switch every other night, and alternate weekends. That is still our arrangement (they're 18 and 22 now). My oldest just graduated college, my youngest will be entering in the fall. But when they're home, that's what we do.

We still parent together - our spouses are there for support but know that it's he and I that will make the major decisions about the kids. Our kids have never felt like they had to choose, and now we joke about it being silly that we got divorced in the first place. They know that both of us love them and we parent together. That's the most important piece - not making kids choose and letting them see that you still respect each other.