Sensitive friend issue....

[pjlippert]

So, I'll try to make this short. DS and I have been friends with M- the mom and her son C for about 6 years. The boys are 8 (DS) and 9. Over the past year or so C has become extreme & relentless with saying people are picking on him ANY time he doesn't get his way.

The boys rarely have a playdate without arguing because they like to play games that are polar opposite. My son is totally into playing Avatar, Super Heros, Military games, etc.. C is strictly into drama, making forts, dance, etc.. M and I have tried various techniques to find common ground - nothing works anymore.

Basically, DS does NOT want to have playdates anymore with him and to be honest, I'm sick of M and her constant complaining about really stupid things. I want to run screaming.

Over the Summer DS made friends with some boys that are totally in synch with each other. They are also "all boy" and the kids get along without issue. If they do run into a problem, they work it out - which at this age I believe they should know how to do without constant parental intervention (as much as possible).

M is getting increasingly pissed off at my excuses (which I'm quickly running out of) as to why we can't get together.

Help!! How do I approach this or should I continue ditching her? Sometimes she'll show up totally unannounced and literally barge into my house inviting herself over- regardless of what we are doing.

I enjoy the company of positive, healthy, funny people- not people who want to sit around eat, drink wine and b***h about everything.

Advice please!

Thank you.
Pam

 

[tralaiven]

Personally, I do not think you have to make excuses about not getting together when she asks you. When she calls you and asks you to do something...You can just cheerfully say...

" I am sorry...we won't be able to do that, but thank you for asking. I really need to go! Buh-bye!"

You really do not have to explain to her if you don't want to AND you don't have to be mean...just firm. This is going to require you being tough and standing your ground with what sounds like a rude person and I know that is difficult...but it will be good for you (I know...'cuz I had to do it.)

Also, when she comes over...stand at the door, blocking the entrance and say...
"We can't get together right now...it's not convenient for me..." All the time smiling and being as pleasant as you can possibly muster...with extreme resolvedness and firmness. And then say "BYe!!!" and close the door....

You do not have to explain yourself....it is your life and she sounds like an unhealthy parenting person. I have been in relationships like this where it was always my kids' fault and they were constantly called on the carpet for stuff and we just don't do that sort of thing with other people's kids....it's rude.

I wish you the best.

 

[kariev]

Wow! This is a tough situation. I don't know what to tell you. I'm really sucky at confronting people so I would continue to dodge her until she is eventually so annoyed and pissed off, she stops talking to you. If you want to confront her, then I would just tell her that you don't think that you should hang out anymore that things are just different between the two of you and your sons and its time to just go your seperate ways. I'm a chicken though and would dodge her and keep my doors locked LOL

 

[maddiesmum]

Pam:

you do not have to avoid the issue or make excuses. Explaining to this woman why her son and yours do not make great play buddies and should not meet under those circumstances anymore does not equal confrontation. What it is is you doning your big girl's clothing and advocating for both yourself and for your son. I would not have a problem with this at all, and neither should you.

You cannot control how she will react to your news, only how you deliver it.

This is what I would do: preempt her by going to her house and having a straight talk with her. If you are at her house you do not have to deal with the issue of possible unpleasantness on your own home territory, nor of how to get rid of the woman once you've had your say. And once you have spoken, if things go well, you can pleasantly take your leave with a "see you soon," and if things do not go well, you can leave just as quickly with a "I'm sorry you feel that way and thank you for your friendship anyway" and get the hell out, leaving the ball in her court.

Pam, just explain in simple, plain language that her son and yours do not play well and it is causing you both too much stress to try and make them compatible when they so clearly are not. Tell her, you value her attempts and her son's to try and make this friendship work, but you think it best to allow her son the freedom to find friends that suit him better.

Whether you wish to remain friends with her yourself or not seems to be a separate issue and one you need to think about. However, since we mothers are so sensitive where slights to our children are concerned, I am betting you will find that she will be sufficiently pissed off at this news not to want to keep coming around you. If this is the case, hooray! problem solved and thank bloody hell for it!

Now, put on your big girl hat and go have words, clear the air an done done with this woman and her son. neither you nor your son need them anymore.

Hugs, you can do this!

Clare

 

[pjlippert]

You do not have to explain yourself....it is your life and she sounds like an unhealthy parenting person. I have been in relationships like this where it was always my kids' fault and they were constantly called on the carpet for stuff and we just don't do that sort of thing with other people's kids....it's rude.

I wish you the best.[/QUOTE]

Oh my gosh, Tracey. This is the other HUGE issue is that her son is always the innocent victim and MY son or the other kids are always the bully's (trust me... they are NOT bully's! C is just too damned sensitive for his own good and his mother supports this).

I appreciate all of your feedback.

Pam

 

[tralaiven]

You do not have to explain yourself....it is your life and she sounds like an unhealthy parenting person. I have been in relationships like this where it was always my kids' fault and they were constantly called on the carpet for stuff and we just don't do that sort of thing with other people's kids....it's rude.

I wish you the best.

Oh my gosh, Tracey. This is the other HUGE issue is that her son is always the innocent victim and MY son or the other kids are always the bully's (trust me... they are NOT bully's).

I appreciate all of your feedback.

Pam[/QUOTE]


Yeah, Pam...I thought I totally could relate because I have been in crazy relationships like this...And in one of them...I did confront the woman and it was totally useless...because, of course, I was wrong, their children were perfect...Their behavior is so twisted and unreasonable concerning their kids and the bottom line is there is just no reasoning with a fool...(I hate to say things like this...but it's just the truth.) But you know, it is too bad because their children are really going to be the hurting ones and their whole life reflects their foolishness in many other ways.

In the other relationship I am thinking of...I didn't confront her...I just said NO NO NO when she wanted to do stuff and she finally got the message. And we were all better off for it....no more phone calls to tell me what "awful thing" my kids had done, etc... It had started getting really weird...almost a psychopathic need to point out my children's bad points in order to confirm how wonderful their children are. Good riddance!

BTW...My two oldest are wonderful kids with great jobs, going to college...etc...they are not perfect, but not as awful as the woman wanted to point out continually.

You know, the funny thing is that I have a strict policy to never criticize other people's kids or say anything to them negative about them unless they are doing something really dangerous, destructive,....like hitting, drugs, foul language, ...serious stuff you know?....but I just let the dumb kid stuff be dumb kid stuff and chalk it up to being kids for crying out loud....!!! Honestly, I didn't EVER have to talk to any kid's parent!!!

Again, best wishes!! And would you let me/us know what happened??

 

[Stephanie0523]

That is a tough situation. I think you should just be honest with her. I'd just tell her, "I've been trying to find a way to tell you this, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings or make our friendship awkward, but my son and your son just aren't a good fit. They don't enjoy the same things and don't have anything in common so they probably should just not play together anymore." I'd explain to her that that doesn't mean that you two can't still be friends. But it's not fair to force your kids to be friends if they just don't want to be... You know?

Easy for me to say, right? Good luck!

 

[MelanieC]

I wouldn't dodge the issue because it'll just prolong the inevitable, and it will probably result in some kind of outburst on her part.

So take the others' advice and just kindly explain to her how you feel. That way its done and you don't have to stress about it anymore.

I don't envy you though - these situations are really hard to deal with.

I hope you can resolve it soon though.

 

[kathryn]

I agree with those who say to just tell her that your son and her son, and you and she, just aren't a good fit anymore.

IMO, you need to 'break up' with this friend, who doesn't sound like much of one in the first place. Do you really want to continue to be friends with her?

 

[Stebby]

I agree with talking to her proactively, in a polite and friendly manner. It will be hard and you will be nervous, but afterwards you will be glad you did it! It is perfectly valid to point out that your boys don't seem to get along and it's causing too much stress on both sides.

I "broke up" with an old friend from work once - she kept phoning me to recruit me to a pyramid scheme selling toilet paper and other paper products. When I told her nicely that I wasn't interested, she put her husband on the phone, and he said to me (I kid you not), "Frankly, we've never met and I don't know if I could work with you." I guess this was supposed to make me say, oh please, give me a chance? But it just p***ed me off and then it was easy to tell him to put my friend back on the line, and I just said, "I'm done with this, please don't call me again." And she didn't. That was 10 years ago. This wasn't nearly as difficult as your situation, but the relief I felt after standing up for myself (after having tolerated a year's worth of calls from my friend), and the self-confidence boost, were well worth it.

Stebby

 

[Terina]

I agree with tralaiven's advice, you and your son don't deserve someone like that in your life. You need to protect yourself and son.