Running from the pain -WARNING long and sad-

L

luv40s

Member
I started running 3 years ago shortly after my oldest son died in a car accident. Out of the blue I would just get up and run, and run, and run until I was ready to drop. It didnt matter that I had never run before or what time it was or anything. I so wanted to do something to get my son back but there was nothing I could do. He was gone in an instant no time to pray for his life, plead or beg I had so much pent up energy wanting to do something. It also gave me an out at night so I could be alone and cry without someone trying to stop me or cheer me up. One sleepless night I even went running at 3 AM after I had been sitting on the porch crying. Barefoot and in my sleeping shirt and shorts I ran until I was exhausted (at least 5 miles) and walked home. (I'm glad no one saw me or I'm sure I would have been arrested.) That night it just felt like if I could run fast and hard enough I could either turn back the clock and stop the accident or run all the way up to heaven and get my son back. I ended up fracturing my sesamoid bone from all the running but that still didnt stop me. Somehow feeling the pain while I was running helped with the pain in my heart. Since then I have talked to or heard of other people that started running for similar reasons. One friend started after losing custody of her one year old son to her exhusband ( a neurosurgeon with plenty of money to win in the courtroom). Another friend was in so much pain after a long term relationship breakup that she said running was the only thing that helped. I recently heard of a woman who after her husband died of cancer started running and went on to run a marathon in Hawaii. I have also heard that in many marathons people run in the memory of someone. I have recently read an article exclaiming how running is better than an antidepressant. I didnt know that when I started running but I guess my body did. I was curious how many other people actually get started running, running from pain.
 
My heart goes out to you. :-( The strength of the women on this board never ceases to amaze me.

I don't have the experience of running though I used exercise to get through a pretty awful time a few years ago. And I think I read somewhere once that Kathy Smith started running at 16, after her parents were killed in a car wreck, to deal with the pain. I imagine alot of people do. :(

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
(((Hugs))) to you.:(

I didn't START running from the pain, but when I lost my Mom in 2003, I sure used running. And like you, I would run and run and run until I couldn't run anymore, then I'd walk. Even now, when I'm stressed to the max, running is amazingly cathartic.
 
Hi Luv40s,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I have heard of other's who have taken up running following a loss or tragedy of some sort in their lives. My own sister didn't start running, but she began intense cardio activity when her husband deserted her after 20some years of marriage. She often commented on how she felt an enormous amount of pent up energy and she just had to move.

Good luck to you in your healing journey. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Michele
 
Hi there, your post is a moving one to say the least!! The loss you suffered is one that you can never recover from fully but I pray that you are coping anyway...it certainly sounds like it. I have been running regularly for over a year and can verify for you that it is the absolute best stress reliever there is. I am an RN and in charge of the ICU units of our local hospital, the pressure can be enormous at times and I deal with people sustaining terrible losses such as yourself. Running gives me the release I need and it is far better than turning to alcohol or drugs for relief which people often do. I hope you are getting support through grief counselling as well. You have my utmost admiration for being able to deal admirably with this tragedy noone should ever have to bear. Please try and listen to your body when it becomes injured. We have a runner's check in you may want to participate in. The gals there are all fabulous and tremendously supportive. Best of luck to you
and god bless you!!

ShellyC
 
Your post made me cry. I am so deeply and incredibly sorry for your loss. I have tears in my eyes now as I'm typing this.

I lost my younger brother 2 years ago, and I also began running shortly after that. I even ran my first marathon in memory of him too. ((((HUGS))))
 
I'm not a runner and my heart literally aches at just the thought of losing one of my sons. I can, however, through your heartfelt words understand your feelings and why you began to run.

{{{{HUGS}}}} and prayers from me.

Bless you.
 
My heart really goes out to you ladies. I'm so sorry for your pain.

When I got divorced and came out of rehab back in... 2001, I didn't start running, but I did start walking. I used to walk 10s of miles every day because I was incapable of sitting still. This is of course nothing like you went through (I can't even imagine that pain), but I had obviously been using substances to numb my feelings for years and years. I started working out again shortly afterwards.

Good luck,
Marie
 
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother 7 years ago in a tragic accident, and I constantly worry about my mom. It is still so difficult for her. I have no children of my own, but my brother was my best friend and I know that loss felt unbearable.

After losing him I had not one, but two bad relationships (one after the other, not at the same time). AFTER the end of the second relationship, I was still so lost. That is when I started running. It was so therapeutic for me then, and still is.

I just started running one day, and I had hated running before that. Now it is one of my greatest loves, and when things are rough, I know I need to grab my shoes and run.

I wish you much strength and hope.
 
My condolences as well. I lost my mom and that was impossibly tough. I cannot even imagine the thought of losing a child. My heart goes out to you.

I quit smoking and took up mountain biking after my divorce. I was in the middle of El Paso, Texas, with no friends, and family back East and a 1 year old baby (fortunately, I worked out a deal with a woman at her daycare - free child care for room - and she was good). I needed something to do. And like you, I just rode until I could ride no more. Became quite good and it was just what I needed. I can definitely see where you are coming from.
 
What an incredibly sad story and powerful testament to the human spirit, the loss of a child is inconceivable to any parent and I offer you my heartfelt condolences. When my 37 year old husband died in '97 I began to exercise in earnest. The power of it struck me one day as I was on a rowing machine going as hard as my body would allow, I suddenly realised that my eyes were scrunched tight and with every pull I seethed the word 'rage, rage, rage!'. I lost a tremendous amount of weight with all of the exercise and lack of food, the deep and constant gnaw in my belly fit perfectly into where I was emotionally. Physical challenge is a completely appropriate response to grief, endorphins eat up cortisol and other stress hormones like Pac-man. I still turn to exercise to spend my stress and episodes of directionless negative emotions, it allows me to stay strong and positive for my children and is the most productive way I have found to spend these negative but inevitable emotions. ((((((((Hugs)))))))

Take Care
Laurie
 
I don't have kids and cannot begin to imagine your emotions over the loss of your son. I am so sorry.

I have always enjoyed running, but it wasn't until after we got married that I really began to reap the emotional benefits of it. My FIL had a fatal heart attack on the dance floor at our wedding, and rather than go on our honeymoon we stayed with my MIL and planned his memorial service. Every day that week I wanted to escape and RUN. I don't think I've had a better run than on day 6 when I did have enough time to go out for a run. That entire year was quite difficult for me and running is what got me through it.
 
Oh, those things that have happened to all of you, I cannot even imagaine. I worry constantly about my daughters and what would I ever do without them. My heart goes out to you.
 
I started walking because my Dad walked. This was my time with him. He loved to walk and excercise. He became ill with Lou Gehrig's disease in the early 90's. I walked his last 1 mile walk with him. It took an hour and a half. He past away in the late 90's and I started to run after that. When I ran, I always felt my father with me. I enjoyed running late at night (darker the better) and I knew he was watching over me.

I ran the NY Marathon in 2002. My father was with me every step. I knew he would think I was crazy for doing it, but he would have been very proud.

Today I don't run, or very little because it bothers my neck. But I do excercise and walk. Every step I take, either in biking, walking, arobics, kickboxing or whatever excercise I do, my father is with me.

Final thought...When I ran the NY Marathon, their were so many people wearing shirts with "Dedicated to ....". Many were to the 9/11 victims and others to family members. I guess we run because "Somehow feeling the pain while I (we) was running helped with the pain in my (our) heart." Quote is from luv40s post.
 
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. As a mother myself, I can only imagine that kind of pain.

I'm not a runner, but I definitely use exercise to regulate my moods. I suffered from pretty bad PPA/D after my son's birth, which wasn't diagnosed properly for nearly 18 months. Unfortunately, I didn't start exercising regularly after his birth. I was a personal trainer and fitness instructor before I got pregnant, and while pregnant, and has some screwed up idea in my head that if I couldn't work out at the same level, or look the same, as pre-pregnancy, than what was the point (I know now that that was a symptom of my depression.) So, I didn't exercise regularly for many years. I've since recovered, thank God and medicine, and I an now med-free and use exercise and nutrition to help regulate my moods. It's amazing how those endorphins can help you!

Thanks for sharing your story.

Stephanie
 
as a mom, i find it painful to even think of losing a child, i can't imagine your pain. and while i didn't start running b/c of a tragedy, i certainly use it when i feel like i need to run from the pain. i'm so sorry for your loss.
 
(((((((HUGS)))))))) to you. I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this. I couldn't even imagine the pain you were feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have always exercised, but I did turn up the intensity when my mom became ill and passed away in 2004.

Actually, (((((((HUGS)))))) to all of you who have posted. You have been through so much. :-(
There are some incredible ladies here!

Dallas
 
I am so sorry for your loss. Like many others have said, I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I have two little boys of my own and even the thought of losing them brings me to my knees. I will be thinking of you and wishing you continued strength and courage. You are a brave soul and yes, I certainly understand why you would run. I hope it manages to bring you the solace and comfort you need. Take care of yourself and know that you have a place here to "talk" if you need it.
 
******(((((((HUGS)))))))) to you. I have tears in my eyes as I'm
typing this. I couldn't even imagine the pain you were
feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss.******

Oops, I meant to say, "...pain you were/are feeling..." I'm sure that kind of pain will never go away. (It was early when I posted.)

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Dallas
 
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