Relocation for Hubby/What to do???

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
Well, just when I thought things were calming down for me I realized they were not.

My husband informed me yesterday....after a grueling argument......that he wants to move back to where he is from and has wanted it for a long time and has negelected to tell me flat out. He is from an extremely rural town in the midwest and moved out here to Phx for work intitially. Then he met me and we married and got a house. Fast forward three years later. I *knew* that he would want to move back someday. I thought I was getting my education taken care of and we were paying down bills and THEN we would think about it. Well, he has become increasingly unhappy and keeps making little zigs at me about how "there is no traffic in blah-blah", and "I would be so much better off in blah-blah". I asked him to quit with the comments as it was not going to happen tomorrow. He layed off somewhat until he recently went back home for a vist. He comes back and he has investigated work there, looked at prices on houses, brought home brochures...yada, yada, the whole nine yards.


He basically thinks I would be better off away from my family and is extremely insensitive (IMO) to the fact that I love my family....even with all their dysfunction. They are no less than his family!! I tell him I am upset that all of a sudden he springs this on me. He says that he has always wanted to move back, says he will not raise children here (we don't have any yet)...basically acts miserable here even though our life is very comfortable. My family lives here. I have lived here all my life. This is all I know. AND, I am very different than his family, almost exact opposite.

Rural life somewhat appeals to me but left to my own choice, I don't know that I would ever choose to leave my family. Now, my husband is basically giving me an ultimatum. He says he would like to move there within the next year. He is so mad that I just am not latching onto the idea. How can he not understand my position??

Have any of you gone through this, where you and your hubby are from different places and he wants you to move back to where he is from when you don't want to (or are unsure)?? What did you do and how do you deal with it when they don't want to hear NO?

I would love some advice. :(
 
Hey Janice ((((((hugs)))))

My hubby works in mining and consequently we move all the time. In fact one of our best postings was in a small rural town, which, believe it or not had the best gym.

Frankly I find all the moving around unsettling and know how you are feeling. My hubby and I have come to an agreement that we will check a place out (eg spending a week or so there)and if one of us is not comfortable with moving to the location, then we won't go.

We have an agreement that whatever location we go to, we are in agreement as to whether to live there. We both have to be happy! Having this agreement has really helped keep the lines of communication open. For example, we were about to be moved to somewhere very remote and I told DH I wasn't comfortable with it. We waited until the next opportunity for transfer and we are living in an area we can both tolerate - it's not all roses for both of us, but better than the first option.

My only advice would be to check out DH's home town and spend a few days there to get a feel for it. If you don't like it, you and DH will have to work something out. He doesn't sound like he is enjoying where you live presently - in the end it would be better to find somewhere where you are equally committed to living.

Keep the lines of communication open and talk, talk, talk about it until you are both happy with the final outcome.

Good luck and let us know how you go,
LizN

PS - Moving away from your family allows for incredible growth. I am closer to my family than I was when we were all living together. There is email, the phone and flying visits :)
 
Im feeling for you Janice

My DH was in the Army when we met, and continued to be so for another 20 years during our marriage. This ment we were re-posted every two years. I also found this extremly differcult because I JUST get used to the new town and working, then its time to move on.
Things had to change once we had children, because it was even more unsettling for them with friends and school.
Thats when I decided that we do the same as Liz, COMPROMISE and instead of accepting a new post every 2 years, we settled on every 4 to 5 years. EVERYONE was alot happier.

Your DH is oviously VERY UNHAPPY at present, and I wonder if his snide remarks like complaining about the "traffic" are just not a cover up for a BIGGER issue with him.

Im not phycologist, but I would definatly find out what the REAL ISSUE is before you move anywhere.

Talk, talk, talk, to each other

All the best
:)
 
Hey, Janice, I have no advice, but just want to offer support. It sounds like a tough problem and it was a great idea to ask people here how they have handled it. Liz's advice sounds excellent to me.

Sending good wishes your way...

-Nancy
 
Janice,

I vaguely remember you posting some time ago about this (I think???) Is your husband the one from Quincy Illinois. I grew up in Pittsfield, Illinois, about 45 minutes from Quincy. I now live in St. Louis. After growing up in a very rural area I prefer living in the city and going back and visiting my relatives who still live in my hometown- however I could never live there again- much to small for me. Maybe you could go back to visit for awhile and see if this is what you really want. Living in a rural area is not for everyone but maybe it would be a better place to raise kids etc....
 
Janice - I have not been in your situation. My situation is somewhat like your husband's side of the argument. Only in that I would like to leave the Buffalo area and move someplace warmer (I'd love to move out west, but would be satisfied with Virginia or South Carolina). BUT...my husband grew up here and has a very large, very close family. As much as I would like to leave this area, I would never put pressure on him to leave his family. And you know what? If he and I ever divorced, I wouldn't move away either, because I wouldn't separate him from our daughter.

Of course, your husband's situation is a little different in that he wants to go home. I just want to go someplace warmer with more opportunity.

It's a really, really tough problem. I don't know how he can't understand your side, especially since you're where you've always been. He chose to move there and since his roots aren't there, it's much easier for him to leave. If he really loves you and wants to make the marriage work, he will stay if you're set on staying.
 
I moved to Minnesota about 12 years ago, away from my family who is in the Chicago area. We live in a rural area. I have always been a city girl and at first didn't like it. Now, I love living in the country. Also, I am very close to my family so that was hard. But, I go back often and stay for a few days. My DH always supports me on that. Sometimes he goes with or I go alone. Or, they come up by me. I miss my family a lot but we have a great time when we do get together.

Joanne
 
I have to say, I'm a little concerned about the part of your message that talks about him wanting to get you away from your family. Not to be an alarmist, but that is one of the huge warning signs for controlling/abusing personalities. I would find out what is really at issue here (certainly before you have kids). Could it be that your advancing education and career prospects are a threat to him and he wants to move you back to his turf where he is in more control?

Again, I don't want to be an alarmist, I don't know anything about your situation, but keep it in mind. I live almost 1000 miles away from my family due to both of our jobs, and it is really hard because we are very close. Think this over carefully. Undoing a move is a lot harder than you think.

Good luck.
Shopgirl
 
Or you two could compromise and move to somewhere else in the middle? So it's closer to both of your families. That's what my DH and I did. I can't really stand his mother and I don't think he can either but he LOVES his grandmother as well as I. It works better for us that way although I'm much, much, much closer to my family than he is with his.
 
Janice,
My sympathy goes to you. I love my family too and I have lived here my entire life and so has my family. Thankfully my husband's family lives here too, so there are no plans to leave.

I am not a religious person but focusonthefamily.com gives common sense advice about marriage to anybody.

I also love the book "the surrendered wife" this might stir up a lot of controversy but it has changed my relationship for the better.

All the best to you and your husband,
Lori
 
Janice, since you've been unhappy with your job & trying to pursue a new career, might this be a wonderful opportunity for you? Would the lower cost of living allow you to pursue your education and a new career?

I don't see that your wanting to be near your family is selfish, but neither is it selfish for your husband to be near his family. From your posts, your DH might be right that some distance between you & your family might be healthier. I can also understand why your DH wants to raise his children in a small town enviroment instead of Phoenix.

I would love to live in a small town, but that doesn't mean it's for everyone. My husband & I have moved many times for jobs & for graduate degrees. Yes, it takes awhile to establish roots in each new place.

Before you say NO, why don't you do some exploring where your DH wants to move? Check out colleges, the job market, the gyms, whatever, & see if you could enjoy life there.

Take care Janice.

Debra
 
Hi Janice! No I haven't experienced this in my own life. Whatever my DH & I decide on we do it TOGETHER. However, its extremely SELFISH of your husband to do all of the things you stated (investigating new job, new house, etc.) WITHOUT consulting you. He had absolutely no right 1) to go behind your back & 2) not to consider your feelings.

Another thing is how rural of a town is it that your husband grew up? Do you picture yourself ever being able to live there? I live in NY in the suburbs from the City & I could never picture myself living in a rural town. I would die there but that's just me.

Also, what's his rush? You've only finally decided on your career change & getting in motion to make this happen. I'm sensing from your post that the schools are better in Phoenix than in your husband's town.

I would say keep communicating (without arguing) & expressing your feelings & hopefully the 2 of you will be happy with whatever decision you come up with. Sorry I couldn't be more help but I wish you all the best! Kathy:D
 
My husband and I have similar situations. We are from total opposite ends of the country. We live near his, because it is a much better climate and opportunities than where I am from. I am very close to my family and it is very difficult, plus we have 3 small kids which makes air travel expensive and difficult.

It sounds as if you have known this was coming, so you should not feel as though it is all of a sudden being sprung on you. He may have some very valid points, it is hard to tell just from your post. I don't think he is selfish to want to be near his family, nor do I think it is selfish to be near your family. But you can't do both. So you need to reach a consensus. That is what marriage is about. If I pitched a total hissy fit and insisted on my own way, we'd probably live near my family. But the fact is, my husband would be miserable as he did not grow up in a wintry climate (where I am from), there would be vastly decreased opportunities for my our family's financial future, etc. So, we took all that into consideration and in a rational, loving way, with total empathy for the other person's view point, have decided for now to stay put. Moving inbetween makes for even more travel and $ to share holidays etc.

Sometimes it doesn't seem fair...but guess what, life is sometimes not fair. Sometimes there is no "fair" answer. Sometimes you make sacrifices for the greater good. That is why when people say marriage is 50-50 I laugh...some times you can't just take a vote! It is the same with religion, a lot of times, in families.

It is really tough. How many times have I wished that we were from the same town! I grew up in a small town and loved it. There are a lot of perks. You may like it. You might not knock it til you've tried it. You might reach an agreement to do it for a certain period of time...or wait and then do it for a certain period of time. Give and take. What can you each "live" with? I think moving is no big deal til you've got school aged kids...so set a goal to have it figured out by then!

You guys must continue to communicate about this or it will come back to bite, whatever decision you make. I don't know what the right answer is for you, but for the sake of your marriage, hashing and rehashing are going to be key....

I hope this helps you...I don't know that I have. But you are not the only one who struggles with this....lots of folks out there do.

Jen
 
Hmmm. This is a very interesting question that really resonates w/me, b/c I've actually been in your husband's position. So, I can tell you how I felt anyway....

I went to grad school in southern VA & met my ex-husband there (guess you can already see where this is going huh). He was from the area, I'm from NJ. When I finished school I had these really incredible job offers in DC (I could have worked in the White House!) and he absolutely refused to move. Bearing in mind here my salary would have been more than triple what he made.

So, I ended up staying in an area I despised, took a job that wasn't really related to my education & paid significantly less than what I could have potentially made. I was always out of place, seen as a "Yankee" in the south, & I never ever felt at home. I was miserable and I resented him for not being willing to be flexible for the sake of our marriage. The marriage lasted about 3 years, & I was packing my stuff & looking for a job in NJ before the divorce papers were even signed.

Jeez this sounds really depressing. I'm not trying to you down, but I hope I can give you a little perspective on how your hubby is feeling. Are you positive you would really hate it there? Is there a more urban area within an hour or two of where he wants to live? I assume his family is there--I know that was one of the things I desperately missed when I was married--so it sounds like a matter of one of you having to sacrifice being geographically close to the people you care about.

Bottom line is it's a horrible dilemma without the perfect solution. But if you both love each other & are sensitive enough to see the other person's viewpoint, maybe you can find a compromise you can both live with and be happy.
 
Janice, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My concern here is the WHY behind your husband wanting to move you away from your family. I would try to get to the real reason behind this first. There may be more under the surface here than he is telling you. He's not understanding your position because he doesn't want to, and obviously his mind is already made up. Sometimes ultimatums have to be called out, but if you have known all along one day he would want to move, perhaps you can attempt to reach some sort of compromise here? Some questions to consider: Why now? Why is he pushing it now? What changed recently? I hope it all works out for you! Good luck to you!

Carol
:)
 
Jeez, you all bring up some great points.

Hubby is from a town of 152 people. That is very rural. He does not want to go back there. Quincy is what he is looking at, with 47,000 people. He will not compromise in betweeen........thinks that makes absolutely no sense. I suppose it isn't his position that I am angry with..it is the way he is going about it. Like a big baby, having a temper tantrum. I say, "we need to have an adult conversation about this". I am a big research person. I like a plan. If he could tell me within a year he could significantly pay down our debt and all extra money would go to that it would help alot. Financial concerns are a big thing for me since he is not nearly as realistic with the finances (I prettty much handle them). He is the type that would rather up and move there and then "see what happens". I am the type that wants as close to a gaurantee of security as I can get. LOL!

Oh, he is making it oh-so-appealing right now. Telling me I wouldn't have to work for a while atleast, so I could figure out my future (remember, he has done ZERO research). I am getting a second job..yeah, that is on top of my full time job and school...to pay down debt. He works extra time when he can, but still feels he should have his "play" money for all his wants. I don't have wants anymore. I am so sick of paying bills that I will send every last dime if it means I get in a better position faster. Maybe this comes from me dealing with the money. I don't know. I want him to be as committed to our financial future as I. I need that to feel comfortable about moving. But, ssshhhhh...don't talk finances.......he'll have one of them temper tantrums. Really, he needs to grow up where that is concerned.

My family has a lot of problems. Mostly they drain me instead of make me feel good. That is where his side of the argument comes from. But, I love them all the same. His family worships him for some reason. He thinks they are healthier, more supportive people.

Reality is, we will need to sit down and have a real talk. WITHOUT him freaking out as usual. It is this freaking out aspect of him that makes me think of what it will be like if we have kids. Whoa. He is so wonderful though. Very responsible. He just has this immature side that thinks he still should get all these material things in life. I say, sometimes material things go to the waistside when you are planning for the future and starting a family. Truth is, with his "want" list, we will never have $$ for children!

I am going to reseach the place. Maybe I can give him an ultimatum of my own and say we need to pay our debt off, or very close to off, before I will leave. Maybe that will light a fire under his you-know-what! I'll be you-know-what if I am going to work two jobs and go to school while he works one and spends his extra on the newest gadget of his liking. I want to see dedication on his part as well. We are a team, right? Hey, he's the one that wants kids. I still don't know! Maybe he has planned that out for me too. (I know, I'm bad)

I understand his position, I do. I don't understand his absolute lack of being able to act like an adult on this issue. We are not 8 years old fighting over a piece of candy for petes sake. Hey, we might as well flip a coin!! Heads its PHX, tails IL! LOL!! (can you tell I am angry???:)


Thanks for all your guys' help. I am not totally against moving. Reality is, I have absolutely no idea what it is like to live rurally. I suppose I would need way over 2 days to figure it out, too. Life does seem simpler there though. But, like I told my hubby, my problems won't leave me there either. My family can track me down! HA! But, maybe apart from them I would appreciate them all the more and vice versa....??

I will let you know how we progress on this issue. I don't know what I would do without you guys to talk to. Thanks for listening!!
 
Janice, I read your post about ten times before I decided to post back. With all due respect and "one Cathe-ite to another love" for you, I see a LOT of issues going on here. Money problems - as I know plenty of people can tell you - will drive a marriage to ruin faster than almost anything. Your husband may be "responsible" as you say in some areas, but he most certainly doesn't sound like it where finances are concerned. If the two of you can't see eye to eye on this issue, you my dear will be working two jobs and struggling to pay bills your entire marriage. Being financially responsible together as a couple is vital to your marriage. He can't expect you to take on the entire burden of this, and you can't let him back you into that corner. I don't understand why he thinks you wouldn't have to work if you're struggling so much now? What's in Quincy that he finds so appealing, and thinks it will solve all the problems? There are too many unanswered questions here. I hope you don't take offense at this, but the two of you need to find some neutral ground and COMMUNICATE, or you're in serious trouble here. Please consider finding a professional to help you talk this out if necessary. I'm very concerned for you!

Carol
:-(
 
Janice,

You have had lots of great feedback, but there is just one thing more I want to say: PLEASE do not have a baby until all of this gets worked out. There are several major issues now coming to a head in your marriage and bringing a child into it now would not be the best move. No matter how much your husband may push for it, just say no to starting to have kids until you are sure you want it and all these issues get worked out and your marriage is in a good place.

I know that you probably already realize this, and most of the posters who responded to you implied it, but I just had to make sure that it got written down in black and white. :)

-Nancy
 
Hi all.....

Well, hubby and I had a talk yesterday and have decided not to move for now. I pulled him into reality a bit and we decided that economically it made so much more sense to stay here and work hard to pay off bills for the time being. A big factor in that was also my application to nursing school......told him that if I was accepted in the summer of next year and went to school for two years that we could be in a much better position financially by then. When you figure the ADN program takes two years and only costs around $6,000, and since I have already been going to school taking pre-reqs, how could we not give that a chance? In Quincy, the BSN program there costs $18,000 a semester or year (can't remember which). Either way, that is a TON more money.

So, I have another part time job, he is going to work lots of off duty and we are going to stay for a while. Hopefully, even by the summer I will be in a better place financially and even if we have to take out student loans, it won't be the end of the world. We both agreed. I told him that if he wants something I am willing to try, but to realize that I want something now and he needs to help me too. So, we stay and pay off debt. Maybe after I get out of nursing school we move.

Thanks for all your help! I feel much better after our talk and the future does not look so bleak! :)
 
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