relationship/messy question

If you truly love this man, than a messy apartment is the least of your worries!!! My dh is a slob (my first trip to his apartment is a fond, disgusting memory). He can't close his dresser drawers. He gets them about halfway and leaves them. It drives me insane!!! But, I still love him.

When dh and I got married, we kind of had an agreement, he mows, I clean. I am sure you can work something out!

Good Luck!
Sara
 
Here is my Dr. Phil wisdom on the situation: whatever routines you establish in the beginning, make sure you can live with them b/c they will most likely stick. E.g. if you start off in a relationship doing all the cooking and cleaning, be prepared to be in that "role" forever.

Good luck!

~Cathy :)
 
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but is this the guy you were in love with that was lying to you or is this a different guy? What happened to the moving out to the apartment complex as the manager? You still live at home, correct?
I would suggest you move into your own place - sans family or men, and find yourself first. Then worry about taking on someone else's baggage.
(p.s. sloppy men stay sloppy men unless you're willing to do the cleaning)
 
Okay, here's another perspective on the situation. My DH's apartment before we married was always messy, grimy, you-name-it when I came over. One time we entertained some friends and I helped him clean the place. You wouldn't believe the hardened food spills on his stove, grimy countertops in his bathroom that I'm sure hadn't been washed since he moved in. And the list goes on. I was so grossed out cleaning this for him but I was young and in love.:) Now that we've been married almost 15 years, I think I'd give him an earful.

Anyway, after we married he did become slightly neater but I came to realize that dirt, scum and grime simply do not bother him like it bothers me. What bothers him is CLUTTER and he is a great organizer. I hate organizing because the task always seems so overwhelming and I never have the time to do it the way I'd like to do it. Clutter - as long as it's stacked in nice neat piles - bothers me a little but not nearly as much as a messy kitchen floor or mold on my shower curtain. DH is constantly "clutter-busting" our house as he calls it.

My point is that we complement each other. He attacks clutter and I attack dirt. I don't know if it'll work out this way for you if you decide to stick together but just wanted to say that sometimes having a messy partner is okay as long as you accept it.

Hope it all works out for you.

Sue
 
Diva, not to be a wet blanket or anything, but you've had many issues with this guy. Do you think you might just not be ready for the commitment he is asking from you? You don't have to answer that here, but you do need to answer it honestly, for yourself. I know when I was young, I got married even though I knew at the time that I wasn't ready for it... but I had said I would and didn't know how to back out of it. Trust me, it will hurt everyone much less in the long run to say no now than to have to move back out. If he really loves you, he should be willing to wait until you feel comfortable.

((hugs))

Good luck!
Marie
 
I have to agree with Marie - you've come to us time after time with issues with this guy. My advice again, is to get out now and live on your own.
 
Hi,

First, I'd like to say that living on your own is AWESOME! I bought my condo last year and there is no better feeling than being independent and master of your domain!! I don't have to yell at anyone for making a mess or pick up after anyone but myself, etc...

Having said that, I do have a housekeeper that comes to clean every 2 weeks. This is because I work a lot of hours and don't want to spend the little bit of free time I do have cleaning. But it's easier to keep things clean that way because I don't let anything (i.e. dirty dishes) pile up.

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I also highly recommend moving out on your own, if you can. That way you don't have to be anxious about anything on account of someone else. If you do decide to move in with him, I would recommend getting a housekeeper and then teach him to keep things clean which shouldn't seem insurmountable if you have a fresh start every few weeks.

Best of luck.
 
I think that moving out on your own would be the best thing that you could do for yourself. It would help give you the self confidence to know that you can do it on your own. Plus I agree with the others, more than likely he will not change. Do not ever go into a relationship thinking that you can change a guy. If he wants to change, he'll change. But it won't be because of you, sad as that is.

Good Luck.

Kathy
 
Hi Christine,

There has been somewhat of a decision. We discussed the whole thing and I do believe he will be a lot more organized and clean when living with me but I think we are going with me living alone for a little before he moves in so I can "come into my independence". I've never lived alone and the thought scares me but I am hoping that once I do it I will really enjoy it. We both agree that it may be the best move right now.
 
I really think that is a great decision. I think every woman should have the chance to live alone. Independence is a great thing!!!
 
>Hi Christine,
>
>There has been somewhat of a decision. We discussed the whole
>thing and I do believe he will be a lot more organized and
>clean when living with me but I think we are going with me
>living alone for a little before he moves in so I can "come
>into my independence". I've never lived alone and the thought
>scares me but I am hoping that once I do it I will really
>enjoy it. We both agree that it may be the best move right
>now.


That sounds like a very good decision to start with. :)
 
My DH was always a "neat freak" and I was the "tornado". He hated shoes on in the house, dirty clothes on the floor, throwing away leftovers, dishes left in the sink, etc. I on the other hand kept things neat where people could see, and just stuffed things away where they couldn't. Now the roles are reversed and I am essentially the maid around here. He will help, but can't seem to take clothes from the basket to the drawers, or clean dishes from the dishwasher to the cupboard. Oh, and underwear stays on the bathroom floor until I move it. I actually let it pile up for a week before he noticed. We are very happy as a couple, 10 years of marriage, so I guess that's the "small stuff" I choose not to sweat.

I do agree though that you need to get out on your own. I lived by myself for a year before we married and it was a great learning experience. The bills kept coming, and I had to pay them. I got ants from not doing the dishes every night. The fridge broke and I had to fix it. I got a $300.00 water bill from the toilet running, and me not knowing it. Going to sleep at night alone, getting up multiple times to check that everything was locked. Hearing a bar fight from my window, wondering do I call the police? Locking myself out, climbing through an upstairs window to get in. It doesn't sound like too much fun, but good experience that I wouldn't trade. Good luck!!

Sally
 

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