Recognizing a dysfunctional marriage...

delfin

delfin

Cathlete
My parents have always had a dsyfunctional relationship. She married him after a failed first marriage for security (I'm convinced). And he married her after quickly marrying and divorcing "the life of the party". There's been so much verbal abuse and belittling. I used to try to kid myself that they had a happy marriage, until one day, when I asked my Mom why she stayed with him. She replied, "because I can't be without money."

Long story short, my Dad is now miffed at me for forgetting their anniversary. Well, I honestly didn't forget it. I just feel stupid and hypocritical sending a warm and fuzzy card recognizing a marriage that I feel is basically a farce. So should I do what my brother does, and pretend that they're just the perfect couple, and send a card and gift????
 
I would send the card. I have absolutely NO relationship with my sister and used to feel exactly as you do--why bother? Why send a card when they really don't make a card like, "we are related by blood but I don't really like you and don't want anything to do with you but have a happy birthday." It's just easier for everyone involved, I think, if you don't point these dysfunctions out. Yes, everyone knows that "their marriage is basically a farce," just as everyone knows I can't stand my sister but I takes no effort on my part to send the card and it makes everyone else feel better.

Several years ago I did what you just did and I realized then that the aggravation installment plan that I had to go through afterwards was just not worth how little effort it took to just find a generic birthday card and send it to my sister. JMHO and I understand how you feel.
 
Delfin,

I recognize your feelings all too well. My parents had the same type of marriage until my Dad died a couple of years ago. Now, I swear my Mom is miserable because she has no one to argue with x( .

Anyhoo, what I used to do is find a card that wasn't mushy. The least said the better and then be done with it. My Dad died a few months before their 50th anniversary and I swear, I was fretting because I know my sister would have wanted to do the whole nine yards and I would have had a hard time with it because of the hypocracy.
 
I never forget my parent's birthdays, however, I feel that an anniversay is something between the married couple. The fact that you have remembered in the past is kudos to you. I've made it clear to my children that my husband's and my anniversay is something they can leave to us. (With exception to the biggies, 25 and 50, then they can throw the party.)

Cheryl
 
Wow - I thought I was the only one. Parents fight all the time. Brother is a jerk.
I agree with you Cheryl - the anniversary is theirs - not yours - to honor. I sometimes call, but I don't make any big deal.
I'm not a card person anyway so I usually call or send an email on birthdays. No cards here.
 
>Delfin,
>
>I recognize your feelings all too well. My parents had the
>same type of marriage until my Dad died a couple of years ago.
> Now, I swear my Mom is miserable because she has no one to
>argue with x( .
>
>


Oh yes. My dad died 7 years ago then mom got remarried 4 years ago - same thing. Now he passed a few months ago and I think my mom would like to argue with me. Sorry ain't gonna happen.
 
I never really saw this way, but it's a good idea to leave the anniversary up to the couple! I keep forgetting to send a card to my parents (who have a very happy marriage for 39 yrs so far), but I do call them and verbalize my well-wishes for their anniversary.

I wouldn't bother to send the card, though, and if your parents bring it up, I would just tell them that you couldn't find an appropriate one.
 
I would definitely send a card no matter how I might feel about the relationship.

It is the polite thing to do.

My in-laws forgot my birthday and it hurt me a lot. I don't think they dislike me. They just think of me as afterthought.

It hurt worse because my parents have been dead for 20 years plus now.
 
I am another that believes that a wedding anniversary is between the couple only. There is no social faux paux for not sending a card. My parents were married for 16 years and I cant even tell you what month they were married in....obviously they didnt celebrate too much either!
I dont think children should feel that they "have" to acknowledge a parents wedding... especially if the marriage is/was not a healthy one for children to see. If I had acknowledged my parents anniversary growing up it would have been like celebrating the sinking of the Titanic...just a bit tacky.
 
I wasn't aware of a custom of kids sending parents anniversary cards!! My husband and I do it for each other...sometimes, and sometimes we just get a bottle of wine and lock the bedroom door! I would be shocked to get an anniversary card from kids!
 
If they recognize they are married for convenience (which is what it's sounding like to me) then you should be able to "conveniently" forget to send a card. That's just my opinion.

Besides, 1) Nobody should feel "entitled" to a gift for any reason, 2) Anyone with a little etiquette know-how would never criticize someone for not sending a gift, and 3) It's THEIR anniversary, not yours, so they should get gifts for each other but not necessarily expect gifts from anyone else.
 
I have a slightly different take on the "marriage of convenience." It's their marriage. They can be married for the reasons they choose. If they are doing what they choose, how is that anyone else's business?

JMHO, but it just floors me when I hear people talk about others who are upset because someone didn't send a card. Who the heck cares about the darn cards? and why is that something to get upset and cause a family rift about? I just don't get people. sigh.
 
I've always honored my parents' anniversary with a card! I realize it was their marriage, and not mine, but they are my parents and I am the result of that marriage... so I (used to) send a card saying congratulations and letting them know I'm happy they are my parents and married to each other! :)
(Mom passed away after they'd been married 47 years)
 
It would seem from what you have told us that you have, in the past, acknowledged their anniversary. All families have their "traditions", and if this is the tradition in your family, I would advise you to send a card. For you to refuse to send a card simply because their marriage is disfunctional (in your opinion)would naturally come across as judgemental and sanctimonius. Why sow further disharmony in your family? For all their faults, they gave you life and they raised you. Send the card -- it's an hour of your time to pick it out and just a few dollars. Not a huge deal to keep peace!
 
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