question about dirtbag guys?

D

divagirl

Cathlete
I just ran across this guy I used to date, over a year ago, over an internet site where you can view messages from other people. I saw he has a girlfriend now who went into details about all these wonderful things he did for her on her birthday...really nice stuff. Things I would love for some guy to do for me.

This particular guy pursued me and pursued me, made me start falling for him, then after we got intimate started treating me like dirt. I literally walked out of his apartment one day never to look back after he said some horrific things to me that no guy had ever said.

I just sat and cried after reading how this girl went on and on about what a wonderful boyfriend she had. He was by no means wonderful to me in anyway. I got so mad I wished I had this guy in front of me so I could punch him. What made me so different?? Or her for that matter x(
 
Hon, don't think that it was you that made him treat you like that and say the things that he did. Either he realized what a mistake that he made when he lost you and got help or saw the light of how talking to people in a hurtful way is wrong. OR this girl has just not seen this side of him yet. Please, please, please don't blame yourself for the way he treated you. It was NEVER your fault!!

Kathy
 
You've just described a good reason why so many people are single nowadays. The good ones keep finding the mentally unbalanced ones. Not your fault, but rather, unfortunate circumstances. Hope things improve for you soon.


“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” --Ellen Degeneres
 
Who really knows why guys treat some women great and others like dirt? More likely than not, it had nothing to do with YOU, but rather it was probably just the place in his life that he was at during the time you dated him. Maybe he had just had his heart broken or was going through some other rough time when he was dating you and he took his frustration out on you. Or...maybe he realized how badly he treated you and is trying to repent with this new girlfriend? You will probably never really know, as frustrating as it is. I know this is easier said than done, but try not to take it personally...I am sure the issue was his and not yours.

Dianna

http://www.picturetrail.com/Luv2WorkHard
 
You see what you want to see.

In this case that other girl sees him as Mr. Wonderful. Maybe he buys her great things and tells her terrible things behind closed doors but she sees him as great because of all the things he buys her.

I have a friend who dated an abuser, she married him. All she told us was all the good things he did but of course leaving out all the horrible things he did. In her eyes, the fact that he did good things to make up for the horrible things he did meant he was a good guy...she saw him as a good guy until she realized - wtf!!!She later divorsed him and moved out of state. She dropped his name and doesn't talk about him anymore.
 
ITA that we can't ever know why someone does what they do. DH is a great guy to me. But before me there was Katherine. They were together 3 years and I don't think he was that nice to her. He was never abusive or nasty, mostly just disinterested but didn't cut her loose because he enjoyed the convenience of a girlfriend who really put no pressure on him. (Poor thing thought he was going to marry her! I have chided him for his behavior to her. :mad: ) The point is, how he behaved had 99 percent to do with him, not her. She was fine, HE wasn't into it. And, also, to be frank, it's a waste of time to try and figure out "why." Not being mean here, just speaking from my own experience. I wasted alot of time trying to figure out why my ex did what he did. One day it dawned on me that 1) I could never know and 2) knowing wouldn't change a damn thing. I'd still be me, in pain, and he'd still be him, a weenie, and life goes on. When you *do* find someone to settle down with chances are he'll have an ex who will look at you and go, why HER and not ME?

Relationships are taking a beating on the board this week. Hang in there, ladies. There are good men to be found!!

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I've lurked on this and other posts.

I realize us guys are a minority on most fitness boards so what I have to say isn't to start a battle of the sexes or anything.

There are probably just as many "dirtbag" ladies out there as guys. I found happiness with my wife, who is an equal partner in my life and we've shared 26 years together. We've raised two wonderful children, both special needs. We've had our battles with each other too.

All relationships are a chance, at best 50/50, they work out or they don't. I've seen the abusive relationships from both angles (his/hers) in my friends and family. Add kids to a breakup/divorce and the real nastiness can begin.

Thank goodness, the character discoveries are being made early on in the relationships so that a break can be made before a real personal "investment" can be made.

dave
 
I think sometimes it has nothing to do with you but with the guy. It depends on where the guy's head is at when he is seeing you. I dated a guy for a while previous to my DH that I was head over heels for. He was nice to me but wouldn't let me get too close. He always kept me at a distance. Eventually I confronted him on and he said he wasn't ready for anything more than what we had. I didn't want to pursue a dead-end relationship so I broke it off with him. He ended up getting serious with the very next girl he dated and they are now married with a new baby. I was tempted to blame myself for him and I not working out but deep down I knew that really wasn't the case. Don't be too hard on yourself!!!
 
How do you know he treats her so wonderful? If he was a jerk to you he is likely to her. You were smart enough to walk away. Don't waste your precious time crying over this fool. This is clearly a case of "there's an ass for every seat." ;-)
 
Oh Diva, I can so totally relate, I've been there (I'm actually there right now).

The others are right--don't think there's something wrong with you, & you have no idea what this girl is saying is true or what happens that she's NOT sharing with others.

And let me just say it is very admirable of you to walk out & not look back. Boy do I wish I had done that. It shows you're a strong, independent woman who will not settle for anything less than what you deserve. Obviously you get that it's usually better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't treat you right.

Fill your life with your friends, your family, exercise, work, hobbies you love. To heck with this jerk--what goes around comes around & he will regret losing you (if he doesn't already).

And remember--men are not the cake. All the things in your life are the cake, the men are just the icing. And cake can still taste d*mn good without icing.
 
>And remember--men are not the cake. All the things in your
>life are the cake, the men are just the icing. And cake can
>still taste d*mn good without icing.

Great motto, Laura! :)

There are such great opinions & advice on here that I wanted to quote and agree with, so I will start by saying, everyone else said it all. Timing, life issues, personalities, agenda, anxieties, etc. all play into a relationship. Sometimes, the greatest relationship doesn't end up being a long term one, or the greatest person is not treated very well, as a result of something that has *nothing* to do with the person or the relationship It could be something entirely different. So, try to remember that it isn't a "her versus you" thing and that it is most probably related to something completely unrelated to both of you!
 
>>And remember--men are not the cake. All the things in your
>life are the cake, the men are just the icing. And cake can
>still taste d*mn good without icing.

I like you Laura!!! Love the quote!!!
Funny thing....when I was dating DH, he would always say that our relationship a great cake and the s*x was just the icing!
 
The way he treated you was HIS issue, not yours. It absolutely wasn't anything about YOU that caused him to behave in the way he did. Don't sell yourself short. He obviously had problems (and may still for that matter), and putting that blame on yourself is unfair.

Personally, I'd be glad I was rid of him. He doesn't sound like much of a catch, regardless of what someone on the internet is saying about him.
 
I agree with everybody else here. Most likely that girl hasn't seen his dark side yet. It is also possible that this was the type of guy who cannot deal with smart, self-reliant women. Maybe he saw the light when he found a submissive, obedient woman, who feeds his ego and sees him as "her heroe". Obviously that type of woman can be -or believe she is- "happy" or being treated well, especially when given gifts, etc. even when she is abused or degraded in other aspects of the relationship.
 
I read every single post and I agree with everybody. I definitely think people like that never change 100%. I also think she's on the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship and she will soon see the nasty side. No relationship is as perfect as she made it sound. Don't regret your decision. That guy is not worth 2 seconds of your time.
 
he would always say that
>our relationship a great cake and the s*x was just the icing!
>
>


Really?? I thought that sex was the great cake, the relationship the icing? LOL

Just kidding.:p
 
Ditto...ditto...ditto!

I think all of us have come across these men before. Chalk all of it up to experience. It will make you stronger and hopefully, this new fling will wake up as well.

Good luck to you!

Melissa
 
"And remember--men are not the cake. All the things in your life are the cake, the men are just the icing. And cake can still taste d*mn good without icing."

Wow I love that!! Excellent way to look at things!
 
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