Problem with dh--need advice

S

SheRa329

Cathlete
I know this is a serious issue, but I figure that with all the married people here that maybe someone was dealt w/a similar problem and could possiblyoffer some advice. DH and I have been married now for just over 3 years--and have been happy throughout. But now he's really ready to have a child and I'm just not there yet. I'm 24 and he's 25, but he is a baby fanatic!!! He knew when we got married that it would be a while before I would be ready, but he's starting to get pretty antsy and it's really affecting our marriage. I've just got so much more that I still want to do before having kids--I'm still studying for an ACE certification and then I would love to go back to school and get another degree in exercise physiology. I also love to travel and you just can't do all that stuff when you're trying to start a family. But, he's already done all that he wants to do and is really ready to settle down. Has anyone else gone through this??

I guess what is making it really hard is that we're not fighting about it. We both respect each other's feelings on the subject and neither of us is blaming the other one for causing a problem. It's just kind of leaving us with---what do we do next??? We're both trying to head in opposite directions and we just want to be happy now and not have regrets later in life. Just looking for some advice. We thought about going to counseling, but I'm not willing to pay someone $200 an hour to state the obvious--I can do that myself for free.;-)
 
Ashley,

First, I just want to say that you need to make yourself happy first. If you are not ready for a baby, then please do not consider "giving in" to your husband's desire to have one now. Perhaps he just doesn't understand the depth of your desire to have more out of your life right now.

If everything else in your relationship is great, then you should probably try to work this out in a professional setting. I know you said that you don't want to pay someone $200 an hour "to state the obvious" -- but the truth is that sometimes a counselor helps to guide the discussion in a more productive manner than just the 2 of you alone. Sometimes discussions between two people can get side-tracked by emotion and having someone to be a third-party can be extremely helpful. A good counselor will also ask some difficult questions that the two of you may be avoiding.

Just my .02
Shonie
 
Whew, Ashley, that's a tough dilemma. I didn't have my first child until I was 30 years old, but my husband and I were married 6 years prior to that, so we really took our time, compared to a lot of our friends. In those six years I focused on my education (still am, in fact), and we did a fair amount of travelling. Now that we have a young child, we are quite glad that we were able to "get things done" before she came along. My point is that I am glad we waited; I'm a better parent in my 30s than I would have been in my 20s, and we are now better able to provide for our children. I respect your desire to wait a bit longer; a woman's life can change dramatically when she becomes a mother, so don't rush into it if you think you will just resent what you "missed". (Of course, there are cons to waiting so long, as well, but that wasn't your question, so I won't go into it).

Perhaps what will satisfy your husband is if you were to give him a fairly specific time that you anticipate you will be ready to start your family. An amorphous "some day, after I've done...." probably seems like forever to him. If you are specific and say: one more year to get my certification, then 3 more years for my exercise physiology degree, then we spend 6 months travelling, then we start trying in 4 1/2 years, when you will be 30, and I'll be 29. Plenty of people wait until that age to start a family. In the meantime, give him something to do; put a lot of time into his career/work; get a degree; give him something else to focus his energy and interests, so he can be patient in the interim. Another idea, if he wants children in his life, he can become a Big Brother, or something like that. And as my husband used to say for six years: "We may not be trying to get pregnant right now, but we need to stay in top form. Let's practice!!" :)

Good luck to you!
Sandra
 
Shonie-- we haven't ruled out counseling, just kind of putting it off as a later resort.

Sandra-- just out of curiosity, what do you think are the cons of waiting later for children?? I haven't really heard of any so I'm curious. I have told him that I think I'll be ready when i'm a little closer to 30, but he says that's just too long. He's ready NOW!! We have a 1-year old niece and lots of friends with children that we can "practice" and play with, but that just makes him want one of his own more!!!
 
Ashley,

I am not an expert but here is my opinion. I am 32, married for 6 years this December. We have 2 boys, ages 4 and 18 months.

I got my degree before I had children. I am so glad I did. I could have never studied and had a new baby. It would have been impossible for me. Having an infant is a full-time job. I had my first child at 28, my next at 30. You are young, you have plenty of time. Your husband has a desire to have children now. That is totally acceptable, but I wouldn't get pregnant if it's something you don't want to do.

Also, there are things to consider. Are you going to work after your baby comes? Are you going to go to school after the baby is here? Who is going to take care of your baby? Are you going to stay home with the child?

My husband and I had a plan financially so I could stay home with my kids. Money is a huge factor when having children.

My advice is to get your degree, have fun with your husband, travel. Don't wait too long becuase fertility does decrease with age, but you have time. If it is something that will break up your marriage, I would definitely seek counseling, and try to come up with something both of you can live with. Good luck.

Lori
 
Really great comments here, and I'm glad you haven't totally ruled out counseling (I'm a psychologist :). But I most agree with what one previous poster said, that having a child is likely to affect your life so much. Don't know much about your relationship and who is mostly responsible for the domestic issues (evenly divided? You more?). But on some level you're aware that having a child would basically mean putting off your other goals for YEARS - it might produce resentment towards your husband and/or children later (not saying this would happen to you, but I've done enough marital therapy to tell you that it happens and can REALLY affect your relationship down the road). In most cases I've seen children affecting the life of the woman more - I think we are just socialized more in the things required for childcare and caring for a family, may be expected to do them by husbands (not that they are jerks, they've just been socialized too), and it takes a lot of effort to figure out how to share responsibilities, especially if you are more proficient than he is. So, he gets children to play with and love, but you might end up with more by way of responsibility, and if you're not mentally ready for that, it can seriously backfire. The thing too is, waiting means for him that he gets what he wants, just not right now. Starting now for you means a much longer wait for the things you want and a HUGE change in your life!

I'm speaking more on your side of things, which is admittedly unfair to him. Just being supportive of you. But these are points you might wish to stress in helping him see your perspective. It would also ease the tension if you expressed the many ways that you understand his :). I wish you both the best in this complicated decision!
 
I guess that I should specify that I do already hold a bachelor's degree, but it's in business. I would love to have another one in EP. So he kind of thinks that I've already done the school thing and it's over, he doesn't know why I want to go back. I totally agree with what futurefitnessdynamo said about the resentment thing. My mother had us when she wasn't ready and has pretty much taken it out on my brother and me for our whole live, and I refuse to take that chance b/c it is way too unfair to the child. I also agree w/the household responsibility thing b/c I've told him that we can't have children until he will at least do his share around the house (I feel like I've got a child already sometimes!!) I definitely think that he would be there for all of the fun stuff and leave me with more responsibility. Not on purpose, he's a great guy, but like you said he's just not socialized that way. But I've been trying...
 
Ashley,

It wouldn't matter if you had your PhD or worked at McDonald's. If you are not ready to have a baby you are not ready to have a baby.

Being pregnant and having a child is a wonderful thing. I look back with fond memories. I love staying home with my kids and being responsible for the housework, even though hubby does help when I ask him. What I am trying to say is I wanted it this way. I wasn't pressured. It's one thing to be pregnant when you want to be, but another thing entirely if it's something you don't want. Very stressful, and like futurefitnessdynamo said there might be resentment.

Go with your gut instinct. I usually don't quote people or care what celebrities say, but Oprah says "when in doubt, don't"

I got to get off this computer. My 4 year old is in front of the boob tube, my 18 month old needs a nap, and I have a mountain of laundry to do.

Lori:)
 
Hi Ashley,
In my opinion if you feel you are not ready yet and you want to go to school first then that really is the only alternative. And you don't need a counselor to tell you this because you already know it. When you have kids they have to be the top priority and everything else is secondary. If you juggled full time schooling with parenting, one of those is going to suffer. Take it from someone who completed the last year of a bachelor's degree while parenting a toddler. It's stressfull as all get out. Believe me.
I love my kids and they are just awesome to me. But, it's WORK WORK WORK. And you have to know that going in. There are many many days where I am just zombiefied from lack of sleep or downtime.
You and your husband are still young and I think that it won't hurt things to put having a baby off a few years until you complete some of your personal goals first. Now if you guys were getting up over thirty, I'd probably say it's time to do the childraising thing if you plan on doing it.
Someone asked a disadvantage of waiting till you are older to have kids-----one is that you will be LESS likely to want them in later years because you will be LESS likely to want to completely change a lifestyle that you have gotten used to with just you and your husband around. When kids come, the lifestyle completely changes.
FYI- I have a 3.5 year old and a 17.5 yr old---both boys....
T. :)
 
Hi Ashley,

Well, first, congrats on not fighting about the issue and respecting each other's feelings. Like others have mentioned, maybe you and your husband should sit down and discuss all the pros and cons and why you feel the way you do and also why he is so anxious. Kids are awesome and such a blessing, but ideally, you would wait until you are both ready.

I completely understand your position. Just from the little bit I know about you, I know that you are going to be a great mom and just adore your child. I think that's why you know that if you have a child now, you are not going to want to "leave" so to speak to go accomplish your goals. I understand your husband's position also, but he may be ignoring some of the potential downsides of having a baby now.

You mentioned that you do have some kiddies that give you both a taste of what being parents is like. Like I said, kids are awesome, but a lot of people forget that having your own children is very different from having nieces and nephews visit. At the end of the day, they go home, and you get a little time to yourself. As a parent, you are on call 24 hours a day. Especially with a newborn, as I am sure you know, there isn't going to be too much "me time".

If it's possible, I would suggest that you have some little ones over for an entire weekend to show your husband just how busy things can be. If you can't, try to paint him that picture.

I hope things work out. Good luck!
 
My own personal experience of having children, being pregnant (which is WAY more of a deal than simply eating more and putting on weight and looking fondly at baby clothes, because you will get so tired you will want to sleep 15 hours a day, and bang goes that degree out of the window) and then raising two childen while maintaining the home and teaching undergrads and doing a PhD is: DON"T. It is a total effing nightmare. If I could re-live my life, I would never do this again. The stress of grad school is excessive to begin with, add to this full time parenting and teaching responsibilities and it is totally overwhelming.


You have to be someone who is either sooooooo laid back or who handles stress incredibly well to succeed at "doing it all" simultaneously. I mistakenly thought I was, but it turns out, I am not. This overwhelming burden, with a dear husband, like yours, who really doesn't do too much about the house and as Futurefitnessdynamo says, is always there fo the fun stuff of parenting, has ruined my health. I have suffered terrible depression for the last few years, I have developed panic disorder and now I am losing my hair because the stress levels in my body, that even Cathe workouts do nothing to relieve, are breaking down my system. The truth is that social studies research reports state again and again, that men still are not doing their share of the housework and kids' raising. Fact. Have no illusions that your man wil be any different. Men are socialized, acculturated way differently from women. Things are changing incredibly slowly in that department.

I love my kids desperately, and have had to take my degree so slooooooow, at snail's pace, in order to keep my children as my first priority, which they are, and stop sacrificing my health. But there is a risk I will never finish because there's only so much a body and mind can take.


If you are not ready for a baby because there are things you need to do, it is actually selfish of a man who loves you and who wants to raise HAPPY children with you to demand that you sacrifice your goals, dreams and ambitions for his desire to be a father NOW. I would suggest that there is just a little bit of sexism on his side that he is not conscious of: he is ready and therefore expects that you should be, your disinclination to have children is causing the rift, he doesn't see the value in your continued education. I mean, who wouldn't want an educated wife and mother of his children?!?!?!?!?!

The best piece of advice I ever received was this: you will be a way better mother to the extent that you are fulfilled and doing something you love. This is true. Women forced to have children and sacrifice their dreams do not make fabulous mothers, despite their best intentions.

I don't think you need a counsellor because you know yourself and you know what you want to do. Your husband may benefit from seeing one however. You should feel no guilt whatsoever about delaying motherhood. It will still be there for you later on and the whole crap about "biological clocks ticking " when you are as young as you are is just that: total crap. You can have kids when you are in your forties still. Your fertility will probably not start declining until you are in your late thirties, so put that anxiety out of your mind.

Why is your husband so unsympathetic to your desire to continue studying? That is the question I would be asking myself. Why are your dreams and ambitions such a threat to him that he has to state that he cannot see the reason why you want to study further, that you should be done with all that now. Who gets to decide for us that one degree is enough? Or that the first program of study we pursued must be the be all and end all? I suggest that your husband does not quite understand you and know who you are. If he did, he would understand that part of his role is to support you in realizing your dreams, not in putting up obstacles to them. You are not being selfish. You are trying to be a fulfilled person, a fulfilled woman. What's selfish about that?

And my last comment is, quite honestly, I cannot understand how your husband can say, aged only 25, oh-so-young as he is, that he has done all he wants to do?!?!?!?!??! There's nothing else he wants to do aged 25?

Stick to your guns, and never be coerced by emotional blackmail into such life-changing activities such as getting pregnant when your very soul speaks against it.

Good luck being firm and true to yourself,

Clare
 
>Sandra-- just out of curiosity, what do you think are the cons
>of waiting later for children?? I haven't really heard of any
>so I'm curious.

Disadvantages - fertility begins to decrease around age 30, and more precipitously past age 35, so conceiving may take longer. I think it's harder for your body to bounce back from pregnancy as you get older; losing the baby weight and getting back in pre-pregnancy shape might take more effort. You will always be XX number of years older than the child, so if you have your first when you're 35, you will probably be 60 before they're fully independent and maybe even older before you see your first grandchild. You may find yourself having to take care of aging/ailing parents at the same time that you're raising very young children. You may become so well established in your post-education, independent lifestyle that adjusting to caring for young children can be a difficult change, and one you are no longer willing to make.

Of course, none of this is a prediction of your future if you decide to wait. Waiting can be a very, very good decision, particularly if you have such specific goals in mind, as you do. The last thing you want to do is come to resent your child/ren because you chose early motherhood, when you weren't ready to.

Just another thing to keep in mind when making this decision: there really never is a "good time" to have a child. There will always be something that doesn't seem quite "right"; some circumstance that you wish was different. Ultimately you need to follow your heart, and do it because you truly want to have a child in your life, and are willing to change your life to accomodate that.

Good luck with convincing your hubby to be patient! I empathize for him, but really think both adults need to be wanting this before it should happen.

Sandra
 
I do think you should wait until you're ready, but I also want to say that there are advantages to having children at a young age some of which were mentioned above. I have both my boys very young. I was only 18, too young I know, for the first and 25 for my second. I was actually just the opposite of you. I told my husband I was having no children after age 25 and I meant it. My parents were early 20s when I was born and I absolutely loved growing up with young parents and I wanted to be the same type of parent. I agree that I didn't have the money that I have now, but most children don't care about that. My parents did a bit of traveling and they took my sister and I everywhere with them. I do the same with my boys. My mother just turned 66 and has a blast with my children. My dad died earlier this year at age 64 and he lived for his grandchildren. It is a lot of fun when everyone is young enough to go out together as a family and have a good time.

At only 42 I feel that most of my parenting is done, my sons are ages 23 and 17, and my husband and I have the rest of lives now to do whatever we want. I love being this young and having already raised my kids.

I also wanted to add that when my kids were young, I did go to school, worked full time, and taught aerobics. My husband helped a lot with the kids. I do think you can do it all, but ONLY if you want to. Having children young was my choice and I don't regret it at all. I have so much fun with my boys and I'll still be young enough to have fun when/if they decide to marry and have children.
 
I would agree with Kelley-i too think there are many advantages to having your kids while you are young.Ijust had my first one and I am 24.I love the thought of being younger when my kids are growing up!! Once you have a baby you realize that not much else matters anymore-and also pregnancy is soooo fun!!:) But having a baby is also a huge huge responsiblity-so you would definitely want to be ready for it! But they are sooo worth it!;-)
 
Clare, how did I guess you'd go on a little diatribe about men doing nothing around the house? LOL! The original poster and her husband sound like they were pretty amicable about this little disagreement they are having. I am sure they will work it out without getting expensive help. I am also sure it isn't helping when you start telling more stories about worthless husbands and how we do not do anything. Baby-raising is hard work, that's a fact. Her husband not doing any work around the house is an unknown. Just like it's an unkmown whether our original poster will dump all of the work on her husband. They'll work it out.
I really feel badly for the ladies on this site who seem to view men as lazy, irresponsible pigs who are the source of all unhappiness in your lives. Perhaps it's my age but the husbands on our street are doing quite a lot, in addition to busting ass at work to bring down the money. There's one guy out of ten who I know on this street, who does NOTHING house related or kid-related.
On any given weekend here(weeknights as well) you can find our group of Dads watching their childen play, playing with their children, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up the house, helping with homework, reading to their kids, etc. etc. All of us are members of the club I frequent so we all are in pretty good shape physically. Oh, we do have a Mom who is pretty damn lazy. Imagine that! Myself and some of the other husbands are constantly watching her kids in the evenings so she can watch her television shows, she orders out maybe 6 days a week because she's too lazy to cook anything, she weighs about 300 pounds because she doesn't exercise or eat right.....do I need to continue?
I myself do just about all of the laundry and dishes, keep the fridge cleaned oubt because my wife "hates the smell of old food", as if I LOVE it! LOL! ....cook dinner a few times a week, find time to battle on this forum( ;) ), read to my youngest every night, play with my kids(the wife will not play outside with the kids much because she doesn't like to run or sweat), maintain the cars and outside of the house, go 50/50 on maintaining inside the house like carpets and paint..plumbing is my baby as is electrical...
Do I really need to go on? I hope the original poster reads this and knows that not all guys are lazy bums. Some are, but I feel a majority are not. And, there are plenty of lazy women, and Moms around. This is not the fifties. Times have changed and alot of guys pitch in quite a bit. Come to my neighborhood, anyway, and you'll see what I mean.
Hate to go off on a semi-tangent but I just had to speak up.
T.


:) :) :)
 
Ashley, the fact that you know you are not ready should be enough to postpone children. You know in your mind and heart that you will be the one to carry more of the burden of childraising than your DH. IMHO, if you do give in to his wishes, this may cause resentment down the road.

Many couples look at the romantic side of raising children and discount the responsibilities that go along with it. You are looking at it in a very mature, responsible fashion and you should be commended for that. I have counseled in the past when completing my master's degree in counseling and psychology and I was appalled at the irresponsible attitudes of many young parents. Enough said there.

Regarding counseling, like the others who posted here, I don't believe you need it. You know your thoughts and feelings regarding this issue. I believe you love your DH and are struggling with the guilt we women have when we tell our loved ones "NO". I believe you know yourself and know what you want and are setting a very healthy boundary. You have plenty of time to start a family.

Just my opinion. Good luck to you

:7
 
Trevor,

If you would have read through Ashley's post above:

"I also agree w/the household responsibility thing b/c I've told him that we can't have children until he will at least do his share around the house (I feel like I've got a child already sometimes!!) I definitely think that he would be there for all of the fun stuff and leave me with more responsibility. Not on purpose, he's a great guy, but like you said he's just not socialized that way. But I've been trying..."

It's not an unknown. Clare was responding with Ashley's comments in mind.
 
Point taken Candi. That was in her third post which I did not read.
I still think it's an unknown though because having children often has the positive effect of making people realize that the lives of those children are in their hands. They begin to knuckle down and work hard for the kids. And they realize that includes helping out their spouse with the everyday things. That's what should happen in a normal well-adjusted family environment in my opinion. I realize that's not always the case. I also realize alot of relationships are not 50/50.
I tend to cringe sometimes at what I perceive as digs taken at men in general when I know that there are alot of decent guys out here who do their share, and sometimes more than their share.
Either way, obviously that's a discussion point to be had between the original poster and her husband before they have kids.
So, again, point taken.
T.
:)
 
Hi everyone!

Trevor, I actually disagree (not unkindly!) about what happens when couples have children. Longitudinal marital studies (for anyone who's not into research like I am, these are studies that are conducted over years, one of the most powerful research designs we have) consistently show that after the wedding, marital satisfaction rises steadily.....until the couple has children. Then it plummets and stays lower...until the children move out of the home. No lie, it really is about 18-20 years down the road that ratings of satisfaction tend to move up again!

And I am going to be the lone voice for counseling (I love psychology, so I admittedly have a bias). I've seen so many couples come in later in life, after the resentment for past events has grown, even saying that its a last ditch effort to save the marriage. It is SO MUCH HARDER at this point to repair the damage that has built up over the years! A good marital therapist is not going to tell either of you what you already know, but rather help you communicate better (like a previous poster said), and these skills you will have for the rest of your marriage! When you do have kids and life gets rough, or other things happen down the line, you'll have gotten a great start with some good communication (not saying you aren't communicating well now, but seems like there is some trouble talking about the issue). And if you went now (or in the near future) you probably would not have to go as long!

Ok, I'll shut up now...
 
Futurefitnessdynamo,

I also love psychology and I understand what you are saying about resentments building but Ashley seems to know here mind here. My specialty is mental health and I don't see this situation as a mental health issue. But I understand your comments regarding future resentments.

I've also heard statistics similar to what you have stated here regarding marriages going downhill after children are added. When individuals are stressed, that's when pathology shows itself. Children add very positive things to a marriage but also a lot of stress.

Getting deeply into the psychological realm of parenting, it's interesting that unresolved conflicts experienced between parent and child can show themselves when the child becomes the parent. Therefore, the new parent not only deals with parenting a child but must deal again with those conflicts that have been pushed down and not resolved. This adds tremendous mental stress.
 
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