Problem with dh--need advice

[trevor]

Thanks for that. It's interesting. I wonder what is the definition of "marital satisfaction"? There are different types of marital satisfaction in my mind, at least 2 I can think of....satisfaction with your spouse(the marriage), and satisfaction with yourself personally. For me, it seems that raising kids is definitely going to put a somewhat of a damper on those at times, perhaps over long periods of time. For some people anyway. Others can thrive on it. And that does not surprise me to see that stat you quoted. Kids are ALOT of HARD work. You don't put them away when you are tired. They are 24/7 for maybe 18 to 20 years!! LOL!!
Perhaps some of the dissatisfaction comes from our own over-expectations? It seems alot of people think they are going to skate through life...get married to someone who's perfect, have the giant house with a bunch of cars, great job, family, etc. and that they will be able to flawlessly keep all of these "balls" in the air and never have problems. I feel alot of young guys think they'll get married and have endless sex, for instance. And endless frat-house keg party stuff going on perhaps. And the wife will go along with all of this! LOL!! And young women are looking for a knight on a white horse to dote on her every whim and insulate her from the problems of the world. Know what I mean? These are just examples. And it may be like that for awhile. Then perhaps real life catches up to this couple. And they see it's not all fun and good-times but 90% WORK! Oh my GOD! I want a refund!! LOL!!!! And kids will magnify that feeling. Both sides need to be cognizant of the fact that LIFE IS WORK. And married life is MORE WORK! But if you learn to work together, be realistic, learn to be helpful to your partner and always have the mindset of "what can I be doing right now to help "US", and gain joy and excitement from the smaller things in life.....like watching and helping my son learn to draw a truck on pen and paper(last night! Yay!) then perhaps that stat of marital satisfaction might be different some day. Communication, being realistic, and setting goals are all keys to me.
Anyway, another mouthful. Perhaps I made no sense. What can I say, I drank too much coffee this morning!!
T.

 

[dss62467]

YOu're both still very young and don't need to rush into this. The thing is...and probably any males that read this are going to disagree...this is the WOMAN's decision if she's not ready. (If she's ready, and he isn't - I think that's a different story). In the vast majority of families, becoming a parent is a lot more work for the woman. Being pregnant is a major deal. Once you have that child, your freedom is majorly restrictive.

I didn't have my daughter until I was 33 and I'm extremely glad I waited. I established myself in the workplace, achieved a certain level of maturity (although I'm still subject to a tantrum every now and then) and got enough of the wildness out of me that I don't really miss it.

I think it's very tough for couples who get married so young because you really do change alot before you're about 25 or so. You both may be completely different people than you were when you got married. Doesn't mean you won't still be compatible, but different.

As far as counselling goes - are you an active member of a church? Ministers and priests are all trained counsellors.

 

[clareMc]

Thank you Candi for highlighting that. I was indeed responding to Ashley's own comments.

Clare

 

[futurefitnessdyanmo]

Trevor,

I think in most studies, marital satisfaction is assessed by asking each person questions about the relationship as a whole and their partner's approach to things. And I definitely agree with what you said about expectations - in fact, if you think about it, marriage is kind of like a new Cathe video. You THINK you know what you're in for, but you never REALLY know until you experience the real thing. Most of us don't go into marriage with any kind of real knowledge about all the different things that are going to be involved - in fact, it would be impossible for us to, because often we haven't ever been married before, and even if we have, not to this particular person.

And another random comment about coffee - has anyone ever tried to do MIC after drinking coffee? DON'T. I did this morning and have been sick ever since!

 

[SheRa329]

I would like to really thank everyone for their advice. You've all been very helpful (and controversial!!!) Which, I have to admit, I'm a bit of a drama queen, and dh loves that! Gina.. long time, no chat!!! Trevor, I totally respect your input and frustrations. DH is a bit lazy and it drives me nuts. not dealing well with that at ALL!!! But, when it comes down to it, I guess that we all have issues when it comes to dealing with children. I just came back here to check this post after a couple of days and to read your responses. DH and I just had a big argument where he decided that he was ready to "move on". That's so NUTS to me!!! I even asked him, if you're really to move on to find a "new wife", how long will that take, and then you'll have to marry her and then have children. By then, I would have probably been ready!!! I just think that it's a valid argument b/c I wasn't b&%$#hit936 when I married the guy. But then again, time marches on.........(metallica, sorry, I had a moment) I'm a bit lost at this time, but I'm lovin' my support group from Cathe. Someone asked earlier about religion, and I'm guessing that they were not around when I posted about how the priest refused to marry us b/c I wasn't Catholic. Not that I'm bitter (MEEEEEOOOOWWW), but that kind of stuff sticks with you.I really appreciate all of your input and I hope that I get to meet you all along with Cathe one day, b/c that's a positive in my life. Until then I'm gonna keep on kickin a## and soaking up the support b/c this really stinks.
Eternally positive (hopefully),

edited to say: please support the education aspect of this discussion b/c I'm learning so much in EP world......It's fascinating and I would love to share..........!!!!!!!!!!! :9 }(

 

[val01]

Hi Ashley,

I just wanted to give you my thoughts on this one. I am 28, and my husband is 24 (both have birthdays in early December). We have been married for 2.5 years, and have been together for almost 6 years. Guess what, we do not have any kids.

Before we got married, we talked about it - what our thoughts were on it and luckily we agreed so there wasn't much need for discussion on this one. We both wanted to finish graduate school and buy a house first (we rent now). One important reason that it was important to wait for us is money. My husband wanted to give me the option of staying home - no pressure, totally my choice. We also wanted to be financially stable before we had children. We both finish our grad programs in May 2005. We will likely buy a house next fall. So, I am thinking May 2006 is when we will start our family.

My parents had me and my brother when they were very young (18 & 19). They struggled. They didn't feel like they were able to finish college (and then struggled financially), they never traveled, they weren't able to just enjoy being married without children. Their marriage suffered, and they divorced when I was 5. Having children too soon can really take a toll on your marriage.

I enjoy just spending time with my husband and seeing him without a 'daddy hat' on. I like being able to travel on a moments's notice (he's a pilot) and not having to worry about anything. Don't get me wrong, we love children, but only when we are both are ready.

I wish you the very best on this difficult situation.

Valerie

PS - Trevor, I just wanted to say that my DH is awesome about splitting chores and helping out. There is not one day that goes by that I am not asked, "What can I do to help"? So, for guys like the both of you, THANKS!