Pregnancy Etiquette Please!!

C

cricardo

Cathlete
Ok, I need some imput.

I was out shopping with a very pregnant friend the other day, and this older woman, a complete stranger, just walks up to her and pats her belly, trying to feel the baby (I guess). My friend and I were totally appalled, and she told the woman to get her hands off her. This stranger was NOT happy. When the woman was suffiently scared away, my friend told me that this kind of thing has happened to her a few times during her pregnancy, and that some people, again STRANGERS, even feel the need to ask her personal questions- are you married, how long did it take you to get pregnant, are you having a natural birth!!! Oh my god, what is going on?

I don't have children and have never been pregnant, but I have to say I'm extremely creeped out. I wasn't aware that pregnant womens' bodies were somehow a public petting zoo and that their personal details were supposed to be an open book for anyone read. Has anyone else had similar encounters here???? I don't know if it's just the part of the country I'm living in or if people have just gone nutters all over the place.

Yike!
cristina
 
Oh yes ... this happened to me. I am not a touchy-feely person myself, so I was just revolted when people would come up and touch me without warning. A few times, when I was feeling very confident and especially annoyed, I pretended to reach for their belly when they reached for mine, and they would back off (looking angry or hurt, which I could never get).

It's yucky, but I think this happens everywhere.

And another thing -- after my daughter was born, everybody wanted to hold her. When she was a couple of months old, I took her to my workplace for a visit. She was sleeping in her carseat. Somebody actually undid her from the carseat and picked her up! Without asking me! So I guess that some people consider both pregnant women and new babies to be public domain.

Ick.

Stebby
 
Not having ever been pregnant, but have many friends who have, yes, this is a frequent occurance......for whatever reason I have yet been able to figure out!
I guess that because there is physical evidence of your *ahem* "night-time activities" (for lack of better/tactful tern) this means that people think that they can intrude on other parts of new parents' (I am including pregnant women in that, too) lives as well.

Sorry, no true words of wisdom for this question, but I also think that's it's a shame that people don't respect other's privacy. I have been guilty of this, as well, in the past, but ONLY with very close friends and ONLY if I ask permission first!
 
Yes, it's true. For some reason when you are pregnant people feel it's okay to touch you. It's like they forget that they are still touching YOU and not the baby. I think the thing that irritates me the most though, is the fact that once you have one (no matter how old your child is) everyone starts asking you when and if you are having another one. Like it's the check out lady at the grocery store's business if I am going to have another one. I always just tell them that since I almost died giving birth to the one I have (which is true) I don't see any more in the near future. That usually quiets them up.

Katie
 
Pregnancy is magic, and it invokes an emotional response in people. They remember a time in their life that they will never return to. It makes them nostalgic about their own children. When I have been pregnant (3 times) I was okay with people asking me questions about this magical time in my life. Sometimes I wouldn't feel like going into it all, but I tried to be nice and move on as quickly as I could. I would ask them about their children and experiences. I felt it was a nice exchange, I can see how if you're a private person, it would be uncomfortable.
Heather
 
YEP! I had twins mine was more-so after my pregnancy. It literally would take me hours to get through the stores I had them out after 3 days. They were my first and I had a blast I felt famous. People would say Your the one with the twins we heard some people talking through the store and we had to come and see. Though I never dressed them alike I had the same carseats. When I brought them home Hanna was 4lbs 13 oz and Rebekkah was 5 lbs 3 oz. Just itty bitty. Rebekkah had to come home on an Apnea monitor after 3 months she was fine. So all kinds of questions were happening.

I think the question that bothered me the most is Did you have fertility treatments? Twins run in both sides of our families it was ALL NATURAL!

Feeling the tummy never bothered me but I am very personable. Remember we are getting a precious gift from God and everyone wants to share in it some way or another.

beth6395
 
Women love babies.
I don't think they realize what they are doing.
Feeling a little one kick to me is amazing.It is something about that little life in there.....
I think a ? like girl or boy , or how far are you are ok. But i would only touch a friend with permission or if they said feel he/she is kicking...
I know it is woerd ,but a woman has an instinct about babies. Maybe the woman was trying and can't get pregenant.Or can't.
Try to think of it in different ways.
It will ease you a little.

Then of course there are the sick ones.
last year we had a woman (a nurse) cut a baby out of a woman and tried to take it.She was mental.Now off the streets. Thankfully, the mother and baby were fine. Someone saw something and called the police.
Anne


http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
People get excited about pregnancy, babies, etc. I would never do what this woman did but by the same token I don't think her intention was to come off as offensive, rude or nosey. Some folks are much more private than others. People have to be careful about things like this and there are many who just don't realize it or think about it.

I am an easy going person though so if a stranger did that to me, I would not be thrilled by any means but I could easily blow it off. It's not the end of the world and not worth getting myself crazy over....

I went to a broadway show when I was 8 months pregnant and someone asked me a question about the pregnancy...I think they asked when I was due...a simple question. I took no offense at all and answered them with a smile....

Just my 2 cents.:)
 
I don't think people necessarily have bad intentions but their behavior is inappropriate nonetheless. Pregnancy and child rearing seem to be subjects where people fail to mind their manners or their business. Why is it necessary to explain why you don't want to have children? Why is it necessary to differentiate between adopted children and children born to the parent(s)? Why is it necessary to answer questions when you are pregnant about whether or not you will breastfeed? Whether or not you will work or stay home? Why are you asked to divulge the details of your labor? Why do people feel compelled to touch bellies? Why do people feel compelled to manhandle newborns? While this may be a "magical" time for some, people need to remember not to intrude on someone's else's magic...not to pass judgement about personal and private decisions regarding childbirth (or lack thereof) and child rearing.
 
This drives me crazy, too, and having just had my third, I'm always amazed at peoples need to touch a pregnant woman's belly!

The thing that drives me absolutely insane even more so is strangers now trying to touch my newborn baby. HELLO!!! Hands off! My husband just had an incident in Babies R Us where a person tried twice to touch my daughter. The first time, my DH turned her the other way; the woman tried again! My husband said, I don't think so, and walked away!
 
>Pregnancy is magic, and it invokes an emotional response in
>people. They remember a time in their life that they will
>never return to. It makes them nostalgic about their own
>children. When I have been pregnant (3 times) I was okay with
>people asking me questions about this magical time in my life.
>Sometimes I wouldn't feel like going into it all, but I tried
>to be nice and move on as quickly as I could. I would ask
>them about their children and experiences. I felt it was a
>nice exchange, I can see how if you're a private person, it
>would be uncomfortable.
>Heather

Heather,

I think you stated that beautifully! Yes, it's weird to have a total stranger get all excited and start yammering away asking you questions and touching your belly. But - just as Heather mentions - being pregnant and babies in general are just a supersonic special "thing," and some people just can't help but get swept up in it. Ordinarily, these same people would NEVER dream of touching a stranger, I'm sure!

It actually never bothered me - I thought it was cute to see others so excited.

m.
 
Cristina-
OMG I swear I just had this conversation w/ a group of women on Sunday.... now I've never been pregnant myself but you can bet if I was and a stranger felt my belly I'd scream really loudly, OUCH!! teeheeteehee... maybe they'd think twice next time!
 
I used to take a noon walk with one of my colleagues when she was pregnant (30 minutes around inside the buidings on campus--too cold for outside walking at the time). One day, when she was about 8 months along (she's only about 5' tall, so looked huge) we were taking our daily walk, and a student who passed us said really loudly ot her "how CUUUUTE!" like she was a little puppy or kitten or something (certainly not an adult woman). I asked my colleague if she knew her, and she didn't, but said something like that happened quite frequently. (I have a feeling if we were standing still, the girl would have done a belly pat!)
 
Oh do I remember that! And then the comments that some people would make would make me want to cry. Like once when I was 7 mos along a girl came into my jewelry store and asked how far along I was when she was looking at some gold chains. I said 7 mos, and she emediately came back with, omg your soo big! I was never that big even in my 9th month! I very quickly transfered her to another sales associate.
Tell your friend that the touching thing doesn't stop when the baby is born either, it just transfers to the baby. That one drove me even more nuts. I would just politely tell them to please not touch him because they hadn't washed their hands and I didn't want him to get sick.

Kathy
 
One of my clients saw me for the first time after I got back from my maternity leave and said "Oh my gosh, you look so great. You were getting a bit heafty near the end." Well, I only gained 28 pounds during my pregnancy and was very proud of that. I am 5' 2" and I was all baby. I don't know why, but this comment really upset me. I guess sometimes people think that because you were pregnant it's alright to tell you how "heafty" you were.

Katie
 
Just an observation from a different perspective. Maybe one reason people feel free to be invasive during a woman's pregnancy is that giving birth has become an event that women feel compelled to tell about blow by blow!!! It used to be that when someone gave birth, we were told - mother and baby are doing fine - and that was it. And in reality, how much more do we need to know?

Now we have to hear about how much they dialated, when they got an epidural, what a C-section was like, etc. - and don't forget the filming and photographing of the actual birth!!! Then following the birth, women now feel it is their "right" to breastfeed in public.

My feeling is you can't have it both ways. So if people feel comfortable asking personal questions - and even touching a pregnant woman - maybe it's because women have created that environment.
 
Wow, what is up with the comment about the "right" to breastfeed in public? I am not one that gets upset too much but that did get me a little peeved. Women also have a "right" to bottle feed their babies in public too!

Not sure what your point was there, but it didn't 'read' well.

Mary
 
carolyn jane-
I agree that people who would like to tell the "blow by blow" to strangers should indeed expect some odd behavior... I guess only my friends have ever given me permission to touch their bellies,and only my friends give me birthing details.... I think the point for me is that no one at any time has any right to touch my body unless I say so.... thats my personal take on it.
 
No, that comment about the "right" to breast feed in public did not read well at all!!

I have no problems with women breast or bottle feeding in public. Infants don't have a sense of time or place, when they are hungry, everyone knows it! What I do have difficulties with, however, is "just whipping it out" in public. I have often passed women breastfeeding and you'd NEVER know it! I think *that* is a beautiful thing. I also witnessed a woman in Mall of America breast feeding a 6 year old (had a little bit of difficulty with that one, too).
 
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