steppin out
Cathlete
I found myself thinking about you on my way to work this morning. I pray you are doing well. Unfaithfulness is a terrible thing to have to deal with, but stay strong for yourself and your baby!
Please Help Me :(
- Thread starter NaturalBeauty
- Start date
angie_nrs
Cathlete
Sending (((((hugs))))) Talk to your friends and family members. They will be a great resourse for you to draw on right now and they can give you some great advice and support.
Best of luck in sorting thru these difficult decisions you have in front of you.
Also, all of these Catheites are wonderful people to draw on as well 24/7.
Best of luck in sorting thru these difficult decisions you have in front of you.
Also, all of these Catheites are wonderful people to draw on as well 24/7.
Hi Tassha-
I went through the exact same thing 2 years ago. The things that kept me going were God, my family and friends, and Cathe.
There will be many emotions you will go through, they are all okay, it's part of the healing process. I remember guilt, shame, fear, just to name a few. Keep your chin up, and put one foot in front of the other! And definitely don't try to do this alone!
Beth
I went through the exact same thing 2 years ago. The things that kept me going were God, my family and friends, and Cathe.
There will be many emotions you will go through, they are all okay, it's part of the healing process. I remember guilt, shame, fear, just to name a few. Keep your chin up, and put one foot in front of the other! And definitely don't try to do this alone!
Beth
snocone bella
Active Member
NUMBER ONE: if you are still having ANY kind of suicidal thoughts, do NOT be alone at this time. That could mean having someone you trust actually stay with you (or stay with them), or talking to close friend/relative/counselor/church person...or at least staying in touch HERE, on the board. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You have many things to think about and decisions to make, and many who can offer help or support. If you do go the route of trying to fix things up, consider these thoughts (I didn't write them, they are summarized from a church magazine):
Forgiving vs. Excusing
When someone is inconsiderate or forgetful, we sometimes say "That's ok", i.e. they are late, lost an item they'd borrowed, didn't pay a bill on time, etc. These things are Excusable. There are bigger , more serious things, such as fidelity and trust in general, that when betrayed are NOT Excusable...but they are Forgivable. Other examples could be drug use, an episode of violence, or gambling a large amount of money when family funds are tight. The most common problem people encounter is Excusing when Forgiveness is really called for. That just sweeps a serious issue "under the rug", and it will cause more problems later, maybe worse ones. Yes, that is the easier approach at the time...ignoring the pain is more convenient (for both parties) than making the time and effort to go through a real Forgiveness process. It is a lot more than just the words "I forgive you". If the issue is between two people who love or care about each other, and BOTH want to move on positively, then there are important steps.
1. The first person is genuinely sorry, and expresses it directly.
2. Both people explore and discuss why the event occurred, and what could have possibly contributed to it. (If there is a lot of finger-pointing and blaming each other here, instead of trying to UNDERSTAND what the other person was thinking/going through, a third party may be necessary at this step, i.e. a counselor).
3. Make a PLAN to deal with things that may lead up to it happening again, to PREVENT it. Identify the warning factors, and have very specific steps to counteract each one at the earliest possible stage. (Depending on the issue, this may involve outside help(medical, financial, religious), self-help (books, internet research), and/or communication/agreements between the two people).
4. NOW, the other person may truly say "I forgive you" and mean that instead of Excusing.
If these steps all occur successfully and are MAINTAINED, TRUST will also be reestablished. If the betrayal reoccurs, it may still be possible to forgive, but not trust anymore, and the relationship may end up taking a different turn even though your heart is large enough to find forgiveness...especially if others (especially children) are affected.
I hope and pray that you can find the path to peace and resolution. If your circumstances allow the chance to try forgiveness, I wish you the strength to follow through with all the steps, and not to be coerced into ignoring or excusing. If you are already past the possiblity of fixing, be brave and proud, know that you are not just moving on with your life, but protecting your child by providing a future environment to grow in love and trust.
And remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
You have many things to think about and decisions to make, and many who can offer help or support. If you do go the route of trying to fix things up, consider these thoughts (I didn't write them, they are summarized from a church magazine):
Forgiving vs. Excusing
When someone is inconsiderate or forgetful, we sometimes say "That's ok", i.e. they are late, lost an item they'd borrowed, didn't pay a bill on time, etc. These things are Excusable. There are bigger , more serious things, such as fidelity and trust in general, that when betrayed are NOT Excusable...but they are Forgivable. Other examples could be drug use, an episode of violence, or gambling a large amount of money when family funds are tight. The most common problem people encounter is Excusing when Forgiveness is really called for. That just sweeps a serious issue "under the rug", and it will cause more problems later, maybe worse ones. Yes, that is the easier approach at the time...ignoring the pain is more convenient (for both parties) than making the time and effort to go through a real Forgiveness process. It is a lot more than just the words "I forgive you". If the issue is between two people who love or care about each other, and BOTH want to move on positively, then there are important steps.
1. The first person is genuinely sorry, and expresses it directly.
2. Both people explore and discuss why the event occurred, and what could have possibly contributed to it. (If there is a lot of finger-pointing and blaming each other here, instead of trying to UNDERSTAND what the other person was thinking/going through, a third party may be necessary at this step, i.e. a counselor).
3. Make a PLAN to deal with things that may lead up to it happening again, to PREVENT it. Identify the warning factors, and have very specific steps to counteract each one at the earliest possible stage. (Depending on the issue, this may involve outside help(medical, financial, religious), self-help (books, internet research), and/or communication/agreements between the two people).
4. NOW, the other person may truly say "I forgive you" and mean that instead of Excusing.
If these steps all occur successfully and are MAINTAINED, TRUST will also be reestablished. If the betrayal reoccurs, it may still be possible to forgive, but not trust anymore, and the relationship may end up taking a different turn even though your heart is large enough to find forgiveness...especially if others (especially children) are affected.
I hope and pray that you can find the path to peace and resolution. If your circumstances allow the chance to try forgiveness, I wish you the strength to follow through with all the steps, and not to be coerced into ignoring or excusing. If you are already past the possiblity of fixing, be brave and proud, know that you are not just moving on with your life, but protecting your child by providing a future environment to grow in love and trust.
And remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
happy mom of 3
Cathlete
Sending ((((HUGS)))) and Prayers your way.
Sorry I'm late on this.
I have never cheated on my wife, I know some real rats though.
Did he come clean on his own? If he came clean on his own then he probably is being truly remorseful. If he came clean on discovery or fear of discovery of his actions then you really have to weigh the sincerity of his remorse.
We always have to think when someone says "I'm sorry" is it because they're sorry they got caught, sorry for the pain they caused or sorry because they truly did wrong.
I would seek a minister or spiritual counselor, I would not seek family or a friend. The professional counselor is bound to confidentiality, your friend or family member is not. You may at some point forgive your man, but the dirt will be out there and others may keep bringing it up and thus kill the relationship.
If you guys do part company then you could tell family and friends at that time.
As everyone else has said, this is your man's weakness and failure NOT yours.
I have never cheated on my wife, I know some real rats though.
Did he come clean on his own? If he came clean on his own then he probably is being truly remorseful. If he came clean on discovery or fear of discovery of his actions then you really have to weigh the sincerity of his remorse.
We always have to think when someone says "I'm sorry" is it because they're sorry they got caught, sorry for the pain they caused or sorry because they truly did wrong.
I would seek a minister or spiritual counselor, I would not seek family or a friend. The professional counselor is bound to confidentiality, your friend or family member is not. You may at some point forgive your man, but the dirt will be out there and others may keep bringing it up and thus kill the relationship.
If you guys do part company then you could tell family and friends at that time.
As everyone else has said, this is your man's weakness and failure NOT yours.
Sorry I'm late on this.
I have never cheated on my wife, I know some real rats though.
Did he come clean on his own? If he came clean on his own then he probably is being truly remorseful. If he came clean on discovery or fear of discovery of his actions then you really have to weigh the sincerity of his remorse.
We always have to think when someone says "I'm sorry" is it because they're sorry they got caught, sorry for the pain they caused or sorry because they truly did wrong.
I would seek a minister or spiritual counselor, I would not seek family or a friend. The professional counselor is bound to confidentiality, your friend or family member is not. You may at some point forgive your man, but the dirt will be out there and others may keep bringing it up and thus kill the relationship.
If you guys do part company then you could tell family and friends at that time.
As everyone else has said, this is your man's weakness and failure NOT yours.
I have never cheated on my wife, I know some real rats though.
Did he come clean on his own? If he came clean on his own then he probably is being truly remorseful. If he came clean on discovery or fear of discovery of his actions then you really have to weigh the sincerity of his remorse.
We always have to think when someone says "I'm sorry" is it because they're sorry they got caught, sorry for the pain they caused or sorry because they truly did wrong.
I would seek a minister or spiritual counselor, I would not seek family or a friend. The professional counselor is bound to confidentiality, your friend or family member is not. You may at some point forgive your man, but the dirt will be out there and others may keep bringing it up and thus kill the relationship.
If you guys do part company then you could tell family and friends at that time.
As everyone else has said, this is your man's weakness and failure NOT yours.
LaughingWater
Cathlete
I agree! Dave, that is great advice.