Please Help Me - In major (emotional) pain..

Oh my gosh the story you tell sounds exactly like what a friend of mine went through before she got married. Her DH did the same type of stuff, always saying he felt so bad b/c he couldn't give her what she wanted. He tried to back out of the wedding a couple of weeks before. She talked him into staying b/c they had so much in common and had so much fun together. About a year into their marriage he freaked out again and didn't want to be married. He's done that pretty much every year. They have now been married 5 years (they're 28 - youngins) and are on the brink of breaking up. They separated for a couple of months this summer but he moved back home without changing anything and things got worse. He says something's missing but he just doesn't know what. They do everything together, they're both big into cycling, mountain biking, canoeing, cross country skiing - you name it. He's really starting to treat her like crap b/c he just wants out but she keeps begging him to stay. It's awful to watch. One day he tells her he wants a divorce and the next day he says he feels guilty and wants to stay. As an outsider I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time before they divorce, but I just keep trying to be supportive.

Please get out now. If he's already having doubts so early on, this is not someone for you. You want someone who is going to love you with all his heart and who is not going to have a sick feeling in their stomach when they think about marrying you. That is a HUGE red flag and you should definitely NOT settle for that.

Good luck and hang in there! Be strong!!!!!

Suz

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France

http://www.picturetrail.com/dogs2birds
 
I don't have any advice, but want to say I'm sorry. I know how you feel. This sounds similar to my current relationship . I hope everything turns out for the best.
Lorrie
 
I don't really have any advice to offer but I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for what you're going through & the terrible emotional pain you are having to endure. I do think that some of the others on here who have been through similar situations have offered some great advice so I guess I'll just leave it at that. I hope you feel better and your situation improves soon. Bless your heart!

(((Hugs))) to you!
Kel
 
Big hugs and I echo the advice to move on. Baby steps at first. I met my husband on my 34th birthday, after having gone through a searing break-up at 32 with someone. Big ouches, but time, professional help and the best family, friends and girlfriends ever saw me through (as well as running, ice cream and my Mom's cheesecake). Now here I am an old married lady (well not that old) with two DDs and a cutie pie of a DH. It was far from easy to gt over Mr. Wrong but it was so worth it. Remember - it is not a flaw in you. It is just two people who do not want the same thing. Keep it simple, do not hibernate, it is a wound so give it what it needs to heal. And by all means do not speak with him. Let someone else deliver his stuff to him.

Keep checking in. We are pulling for you!!!!!

Julie
 
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. At least you invested only 3 years - I spent 6 years with someone who never wanted to get married. He sent signals throughout the entire relationship but I just didn't want to see it. I think you've gotten some good advice here!

Heather
 
So sorry to hear you are having to go through this.

I had a first love whom I followed to a couple of different cities as he moved around trying to start a career in baseball. Went to 3 different schools and I went to one close in order to get my degree.

Each time he left one place before he found another school to go to he would go back to Mom's house. Finally, while he was at Mom's and I was nearly done with my degree, I started playing on some extra curricular coed sports teams and met a few other males.

After a while I came to the realization that many times we think we are in love and have loads of fun together. We may actually love the person we are with but for me, it wasn't the type of love that knocked me off my feet. It actually turned out to be the love a good friend that I really enjoyed spending time with - more like a "brotherly" love.

I met quite a few other men that I really enjoyed, had my heart broken a couple of times, but continued on my search.

I have found someone I feel is my "soul mate" and am very happy.

Move on, at 30 we should have a clue and it isn't worth it to try to change someone no matter how much you love them.

Thinking happy thoughts for you that you will find another very soon who will adore you for the rest of your life :7
 
I had a relationship like this in college, where I wanted more than he was willing to give and it was awful. My whole self-worth and purpose in life was wrapped up in this jerk of a man, who was basically using me. On the surface he seemed like a really nice, sensitive, and fun guy too. God finally gave me the strength to walk away and it hurt like he!!. It was like detoxing off drugs.

Boy 16 years later I am soooo glad it did not work out with that man, because I am married 13 years to the man of my dreams, a man of integrity, commitment, and faithfulness. He is the father of our 6 children as well and a great one at that. I came so close to selling myself short.

Anyway, I think you've got a lot of great advice here. Just walk away. What if he broke down and married you? and what if you had children together? He'd still be the same guy afraid of commitment. What if he walked out on you then? Would you want to go through that? Would you want any future children to go through that? Him marrying you will not change him. I believe that only the Lord can change hearts.

I rarely post anymore, but your post really touched me and my heart goes out to you. I have said a prayer for you.

((((hugs))))

Maggie
 
I am so appreciative of all the people out there in "Cathe Land" who don't know me and yet take the time to write to me and offer advice and words of encouragement. You don't know how much that means to me. I'm calling today "Day 4" of this horrific experience. I want to believe everyone when you say it will get better, but it seems so bleak right now. Every time my phone rings I hope it will be him. I can think of nothing else. I realize it's self destructive to wish for a happy ending with him.. but I can't help those thoughts. A lot of the time I'm upset with MYSELF (not with HIM) and I blame myself for causing the breakup with my constant bugging to get married. And I'm upset with myself for allowing myself to feel like such a victim in all this; to feel so weak. I hope that I would never do this to any other person; to make them feel like they meant nothing to me after such an involved long term relationship - I don't know how to play games like "don't call me, I'll call you". I don't wish anything bad for him, but at the same time I can't believe he would be so cold to me now, after everything. AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! This is just SO hard.

Thanks to everyone again, for listening. Your help is part of what gets me through.. plus the support I have at home.

Amy
 
Amy,

It will actually get better. I went through a really horrible breakup a few years back and I never thought I'd get over the guy, but I did. You will, too. We are much stronger than we think sometimes.

I did want to make a couple of points about your post: it's important to realize that no one can MAKE anyone feel anything. So if you feel something, that's your choice of emotional reponse to the situation. Same with him. Also, blaming yourself for the situation (when really, this is about the fact that he can't commit, not the fact that you want a commitment) is actually a way of giving yourself power in this situation. Therapists call this "magical thinking." Some part of you is trying to maintain control and you do that by convincing yourself that you somehow have control over this situation. As if doing x, y, or z would make the outcome different. You need to remember that he is CHOOSING TO RESPOND THIS WAY. You have no control over that. Nothing you do or say really can make him any different. Honestly, I am always saying this here, but I strongly encourage you to find a counselor who can talk you through this.

I hope you feel better soon. I know it's tough, but this is a great time to focus on you and not on him.

Marie
 
I emailed you, Amy. Hang in there. I know what you are feeling. It doesn't seem fair:-( Please don't blame yourself. I admire your persistance and courage.
Lorrie
 
First of all, you need to step begging him to come back. That gives him all the power to hurt you again and again, and appeasement never works. Do your crying in private, write in a journal, talk to your girlfriends etc. but don't go begging to him any more. Try doing some things that interest you and that you couldn't do with him because he wasn't interested. Try and move on with your life even if you don't feel like it. You will be much more interesting to him if you do this than if you appear to be crying all the time. Of course, there are no guarantees, but I do know that if you keep begging him to come back, he'll go away.
 
Amy,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have every right to ask about YOUR future. If you don't wonder about your future who will? Of course you're going to be devastated at this point and it does feel like you'll never feel better, but believe me you will. Several years ago my boyfriend of 8 years ended things and it felt like the end of the world. I would cry most of the time, I'd call him to try to work things out. Finally I realized that we just weren't meant to be and let go. I have to tell you that it was the best and healthiest thing I've ever done for myself. I look back on it now and realize that we wanted different things and I wasn't going to change everything I wanted in my life to accomodate a relationship that wasn't meant to be. Of course this is all easier said than done, but you will one day look back on this and it will be something that made you stronger and hopefully at that point you will be with the person you were meant to be with and be grateful that things worked out the way they did. Until then just keep checking in on the forum and let us know how you are doing. Things WILL get better.
 
I am so sorry you are hurting!!!

He actually sounds like a decent guy, very honest with you and does seem to care about you. I give him credit for not proceeding with the relationship when something does not feel right with him. That does not mean at all there is anything wrong with you. You deserve 100% out of a relationship and he knows that and wants that for you, too...he just cannot give it. Doesn't make him a bad person, doesn't make you a bad person. It's better it happens this way than in 10 years or so...but then it's an ugly divorce and kids are involved.

There is nothing we can say to take away your pain. Right now, you just need to focus on healing (don't rush it), focus 100% on your needs and learn what it means to make yourself happy and healthy. Once you figure that out, it will add richness to all your future relationships...with men, women, friends and family.
 
You've received excellent advice here from women who've been in your shoes. Don't blame yourself. The issue is HIS, not yours.

Parents who have lost a child somehow manage to pick themselves up and continue with their lives. I cannot imagine a more painful experience. I am not trivializing your pain, but trying to put in into perspective. You CAN go on.

Don't waste any more of your years on something you cannot change.
 
Ditto to the previous posts, just let me reiterate:

IT'S NOT YOU.
It is him...he does what he does for himself, as well he should, for to do anything else would eventually make you more miserable than you are right now. It almost sounds to me that y'all are so much alike that you could be best friends or even brother/sister....maybe he feels that way to a certain extent.

IT'S NOT YOU.
You did nothing wrong to push him away, make his feelings change, or "blow it" with this guy. It is him...he isn't ready or willing to commit.

IT'S NOT YOU. There is nothing wrong with your looks, personality, needs, goals, dreams or desires. I am sure he does care for or love you, in his "way", but if his future goals are so out of line with yours than it is proof positive that even with all you have shared, the most important things are too far apart to allow you to have a happy, rewarding future together.

One more time: IT'S NOT YOU. Accept this change in your life, and be courageous about your future. Give yourself a bit of time, do some grieving, then begin finding new interests to engage your mind. Allow yourself to see what you may have been missing when you no longer have to devote time to this relationship or it's aftermath. You can come away from this stronger and more confident that ever before.

Julie
 
I'm very sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I agree with others on here that it seems there's some deep-seated reason he won't commit to marriage. Something in his past or his parents' past perhaps? Something that happened to a family member or close friend? Some other fear that manifests itself as this one? I'm not a psychologist, but it seems bizarre he would leave what you describe as a great relationship all because of a marriage vow. Something else is going on here.

Perhaps when you've had time to work through some of the grief you can talk to him about this. Without crying if at all possible. Try to get to the real issue behind all this. It might help you put all this in perspective.

I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but the guy I dated in college was like this. I dated him for four years. I would have done anything for this man. But the idea of committment for him was like poison. Finally I got tired of waiting and moved on. We've kept in touch all these years off and on, and he got married for the first time at age 45. He told me he spent too many lonely years, and finally realized how wrong he'd been all that time. So ... maybe one day your boyfriend will open his eyes and see what he gave up, but that doesn't really help you right now. Just sharing a similar experience and letting you know you CAN get through this, and it will work out somehow, no matter what the outcome. Stay strong.

And ... he is 30 years old as someone else said. He's not a 20 year old "kid" like the experience I had. He should know his own mind by now. It may well be that this is not the relationship for you. I know that's hard to hear.

Carol
:)
 
I was in a similar marriage. I dated my ex-husband for 8 years, broke up with him. He spent 9 months trying to convince me to marry him. He is very persistent and does not give up. I agreed to marry him. I saw lots of signs that he was not marriage material, but I loved him. After 18 years of marriage, sleeping on the coach, guest bedroom, never sleeping with him. And he did not speak to me for 3 years. I filed for divorce May 2005. He was devastated and said he had been mad at me for the last 14 years, because I tricked him and got pregnant (we were married for 5 years when my daughter was born). He never wanted children, I had a history of miscarrying and he figured I could not have children. He claimed I never got pregnant the 8 years we dated (stupid man, why would I have a baby and not be married. Well, December 13, 2005, we were divorced. Bitter, ugly divorce, he tried to get full-custody of a child he never wanted. We have joint custody of my daughter, she lives a week with him and a week w/me. He emotionally manipulated her to choice joint custody, because he grew up in a household, where neither of his parents cared about him or his brother. Get over it, you can not change the past. My daughter is unhappy, but she made the decision.I am very happy, have peace of mind and the only regret I have is I should have divorced him years ago. I wasted almost 19 years of my life with someone who did not love or care about me. So, what I am telling you is do not settle, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be in a loving relationship.
 
Update - Day 7: I have now spent my first official weekend without my boyfriend - he has not called, he has not emailed, nothing. It was a very hard weekend. I thought about him every second. I wanted to call him, to visit him.. something.. but I didn't. I am absolutely shattered on the inside. Does it get any better than this? People keep saying it just takes time, but the problem with TIME is that it takes time! I can't imagine dating anyone else and I can't imagine feeling better. WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME? WHY DOESN'T HE MISS ME? And again, here I go, beating myself up, asking myself "Why couldn't I just have shut my mouth and gone with flow, instead of constantly asking about our future?" I imagine him with another woman, someone who doesn't want to be married, or at least doesn't ask about it. And last week at work was hell.. I barely got anything done and could be in a lot of trouble if I don't snap out of it.

Again, a big THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to reach out and help me.. from the posts to the private emails.. you are truly a special group of people. I will keep updating you. Any new advice? Any other stories you can share? You know, all of this is helpful.. Can someone please call my boyfriend and tell him what a jerk he is being and what a huge mistake he is making?? :)
 
It WILL get better, and I know you won't want to hear this, but it's not the end of the world and there ARE a lot worse things that could happen to you. I'm not being harsh, I'm speaking from experience. There are plenty of other men out there much better suited to you, so even tho' it's hard, you CAN put on a happy face and start the week out in a better mood. You choose your moods, and you choose whether or not you will be happy. Someday this guy will realize he was a jerk, but until then, stop giving away your power to this guy.

The sun came up this morning just the same, didn't it?

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
If I were you, I would keep re-reading these posts until it sinks in. You have to FORCE YOURSELF to STOP thinking about this guy and certainly stop beating yourself up for having asked about your future!! The key is to get busy and stay busy. Dive into your work, hang out with friends, take up new interests. Seriously. Time will pass if you do not allow yourself much down time.

> WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME? WHY DOESN'T HE MISS
>ME? And again, here I go, beating myself up, asking myself
>"Why couldn't I just have shut my mouth and gone with flow,
>instead of constantly asking about our future?" I imagine him
>with another woman, someone who doesn't want to be married, or
>at least doesn't ask about it. And last week at work was
>hell.. I barely got anything done and could be in a lot of
>trouble if I don't snap out of it.
>
>Any new advice? Any other stories you can share? You
>know, all of this is helpful.. Can someone please call my
>boyfriend and tell him what a jerk he is being and what a huge
>mistake he is making?? :)
 
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