Parenting: Typical mistake, predictable outcome

kaylasmom321

kaylasmom321

Cathlete
Ok, I admit it. I hold my head down in shame:eek: ... I read my almost 8 yr. old daughter's diary. And now? I've disrespected her privacy, but read stuff that disturbed me a little. So, the question is, do I discuss it with her? I don't want to go into detail about what was written, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Nothing particularly dangerous, just not appropriate stuff for her age. So, anyone with words of wisdom or experience with this??? Thanks, Nancy J.~~
 
kaylasmom321 said:
Ok, I admit it. I hold my head down in shame:eek: ... I read my almost 8 yr. old daughter's diary. And now? I've disrespected her privacy, but read stuff that disturbed me a little. So, the question is, do I discuss it with her? I don't want to go into detail about what was written, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Nothing particularly dangerous, just not appropriate stuff for her age. So, anyone with words of wisdom or experience with this??? Thanks, Nancy J.~~
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You know I'd hold my head up and be proud, . . sorry but a child, is a child, is a child, . . .and I hold true to the old saying as long as you live under my roof, . there really is no such thing as privacy. Sorry, but if it were my kid I'd talk to them right away. We are parents before we are friends and if this stuff disturbed you I'd make sure she understood why. Heck my kids are 7 and 9 and when they become teenages, . .the doors are coming off the hinges and if then get a cell phone I'll get one where they can text only and I'll be reading every single text. Call me a demon mom but I do it all out of love. They can have all the privacy they want when they turn 18 and move out. Until they are in MY playground!
 
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janie1234 said:
You know I'd hold my head up and be proud, . . sorry but a child, is a child, is a child, . . .and I hold true to the old saying as long as you live under my roof, . there really is no such thing as privacy. Sorry, but if it were my kid I'd talk to them right away. We are parents before we are friends and if this stuff disturbed you I'd make sure she understood why. Heck my kids are 7 and 9 and when they become teenages, . .the doors are coming off the hinges and if they get a cell phone I'll get one where they can text only and I'll be reading every single text. Call me a demon mom but I do it all out of love. They can have all the privacy they want when they turn 18 and move out. Until they are in MY playground!
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Hoorah!!!!
 
I'd try to bring up the troubling subject in a casual easy conversation, preferably during a car ride, when you don't "sit and talk" but just kind of talk casually. With my kids I bring up the subject as if it was my problem when I was at their age. For example if they are bullied, I'd say " I was bullied and it was horrible" or something like that. I would not tell them that I read the diary. Kids respond better when you talk about yourself, and not about "them". Hearing that you had problems makes them easier to talk about theirs. This tactic worked very well for me.
You seem like a very responsible mother, don't feel bad about reading the diary. You did the right thing. Good luck!
 
I never thought I would invade my children's privacy, but with the advent of texting and chatting on facebook, there's no way to overhear at least one end of a conversation and keep tabs on their social lives. I have a program called e-blaster installed on my children's computers (13 and 15 years old). It logs every key stroke. And although I skim through most of it as I don't want to know every little detail, I have been able to squash some plans where my daughter could have gotten herself into a situation she was not ready to handle. Both kids know that my husband and I have access to what they do online, but we pick our battles on what to address. It's really the only way to keep them safe in a world that can easily become problematic. My husband and I have attended seminars on "how to keep your children safe online." All facilitators have said that we are doing our children a disservice if we do not "spy" on them.
The case of a diary is a little different, I think. A diary is personal and private, but I think you should still read it. The tricky thing is addressing entries that are problematic without letting your child know you read her private thoughts. On the other hand, should something serious happen and it was documented in her diary, you would feel awful that you didn't invade her privacy. It's a touchy touchy subject. But children are children and don't have the wisdom we do . Starting at 8 years old, children think they know everything. And even after imparting our wisdom, we will still watch our kids make mistakes. We do what we have to do to keep our kids safe. The world is a little different know, much different than when we grew up. If you read something that is troubling, can you bring it up in a conversation that does not point to her diary. You can probably use that tactic without her catching on, at least for the first couple of times.
Should she figure it out, she will understand one day that you were acting on her behalf.
Good Luck!
 
Children do not have the right to expect privacy. They are children. Its your job to know what is going on. Even if she gets mad.
 
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congrats on being a good parent! when i was 15 i remember my mom read a note from school i had sitting on my dresser. In it was all about we were going to buy/smoke pot and drink during the weekend LOL. My mom immediately came to me about it (crying of course) and it made me feel so terrible like i let her down. I really think that was the turning point and i switched friends and was with a better social group. So i say, talk to her, in the end it will be well worth it.
 
Wow, what great responses. Bravo!!

I agree with above. I have read my son's stuff. I haven' t really gone "looking for it"...but if I stumbled, I read it. If something concerned me, I approached him about it. He's a great kid....but he is a kid & still needs guidance...if not from me....he'll get it from someone else.

Let us know how your conversation goes!! Hopefully you'll be able to approach it in a way that doesn't blow your resource point. :)
 
I don't know about this but I do remember my mother reading my diary when I was about 12 and how she misinterpreted things that were written and took as fact stuff that was just talked about with friends. I also remember my father sticking up for me and telling her she should never have done it. That was many many years ago and I still remember how I felt and the means I took to be sure I hid everything so she wouldn't find it. I didn't confide anything to her for a long time. Plus it was just downright embarrassing. So I guess my advice would be to think carefully before you discuss this with her and whatever you do don't go in there angry and accusing her of things you read about. Another thing I would be sure NOT to say is that she has no right to privacy in YOUR home. I have 2 grown sons and have respected their privacy over the years and have always made sure that they knew this was their home too and not just mine. My kids are fine and we have a great relationship.
 
Thanks, everyone, for your responses!

I appreciate your words of advice. I talked about it to her father, and he decided on his own accord to talk to her about it. He first casually brought it up, then told her he read her diary, by accident! (He said it fell open when he was straightening up...) At first I was annoyed at him, but then relieved! (after all, he took the hit for it!) We then played a little bit of "good cop, bad cop" Luckily, I was the good cop! I was very gentle with her, but its something we are not finished with. Ultimately, I think my lesson here is that I have to pay a little more attention to outside influences, and listen more, to avoid feeling the need to "snoop". I want to be able to trust her. These kids are sponges for any info that comes their way!!! Thanks again!!!!!~~Nancy J.~~
 
Okay - I am going to give you a completely opposite answer than what has been given to you already.

NO NO NO NO NO - do NOT tell her you read her diary unless the things that are disturbing you are too big to ignore. I would encourage you to talk to her teacher and see how she is doing in school and get her opinion on how your daughter is doing out there is the world of her peers. If the teacher doesn't give you any red flags and you truly do not think what you read is harmful to her safety and well-being, then let it go.

She is only 8 years old right now. You have so much control over her life at this age. Just stay plugged in to her, spend time with her one on one and give her a sense of security.

If you tell her you read her diary she will feel invaded. As your lead line states "predictable outcome" you already know what will happen. She will know from here on out that you will read her private thoughts so she will start to hide her diary/journal from you. As she gets older, she will become more clever where to hide it and you will have no access when you might really need it.

I base this on my own personal experience with my 17 y/o daughter who always kept a diary or journal and I never read it. She was a great student and had friends we knew very well and spent a lot of time at our house, plus she was very responsible.

Also, I always told my children that I would always respect their privacy until they gave me a reason not to. Well, that happened with her about 3 years ago. I became very concerned about her changes in behavior and school work. Because I had not snooped until that point I had free access to everything. The journal, not so much there. Unfortunately we have had some hardships that she has had to endure and a young age so there was a lot of different emotions in her journal but they were only her thoughts which didn't tell me so much about what she was doing out there with her friends.

The cell phone on the other hand, was a completely different story. I found out quite a bit of what was going on in her life from text messages and stepped in.

I have stepped in quite a bit now in the last 3 years because I have continued to snoop but I don't have much access to her thoughts because her journals are nowhere to be found and text messages are erased. But I have been lucky enough to find things out and nip it in the bud. I have kept her on a short leash and stay on top of her every move.

No, she is not a bad kid but there is a world out there in high school that is so different than what we went through and it is scary. Had I not had access 3 years ago, things could have turned out very different.

So I say read, read, read and do not tell her until you really need to step in and protect her.
 
I have a different opinion from most of you, but that's neither here nor there. What I imagine is that your kids figure out that you all come over here and talk about them and tell your private life so openly, and it's here for them to read whenever they please. I'm sure some of them do it already. How's that for payback?
 
TeTe said:
I have a different opinion from most of you, but that's neither here nor there. What I imagine is that your kids figure out that you all come over here and talk about them and tell your private life so openly, and it's here for them to read whenever they please. I'm sure some of them do it already. How's that for payback?
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Let me clarify my post. I agree with you Tete - we are all entitled to our privacy, our children included.

I knew my daughter wrote stuff down but never read it until I saw some alarming behavior so when I snooped I did find out there was some drinking and some drugs involved. So because of the dangerous ground she was walking on, I had no choice but to find out anything I could to protect her from herself.

Had she never exhibited that behavior, I would have allowed her all the privacy in the world.

Because the OP has some concerns about what her daughter wrote, I think she needs to keep reading especially since she is only 8 and if she is writing things that are disturbing her as a Mother, I think she needs to monitor it for now.
 
I understand all that. I still find it amusing that they can "spy" on their moms so easily and without being sneaky about it.
 
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I have no idea what I'd do. Luckily, I still have a few years before I have to cross that bridge.

But I DO think that our idea of what's "age appropriate" changes by the year. Things that we were into at certain ages are now being experienced younger and younger, and I think it's our responsiblity as parents to stay on top of that, and address it at their pace, rather than trying to force them into where we *think* they should be.
Now, for example, I'm not suggesting that anyone just "come to terms" with the idea that their 12yr old might be close to having sex. But, the reality is that a lot of them are. It's our jobs to recognize that and talk them through it.

I think that I would probably not mention that I read the diary, but find a way to address what was in it in a side conversation. At least, that's what I *think* I'd do!
 
TeTe, I had the same thought. I'm not sure I want my daughter to read everything I've posted here! Nothing stopping her, and she would know right away that it's me, from both my username and my avatar (which is my grade 7 picture, that she's seen many times). :)

Stebby
 
WOW!!!

you've shown no respect for your daughter or her privacy, and then LIED to her!!!!

think about what you have just taught her!!

WOW!!!
 
deanie said:
WOW!!!

you've shown no respect for your daughter or her privacy, and then LIED to her!!!!

think about what you have just taught her!!

WOW!!!
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Deanie, I never lied to my daughter. I told her everytime I read her stuff.

And I do advocate snooping if you think your child might be making poor decisions and you need to know. And I would snoop until I felt they were okay.

I do not advocate snooping if you believe your child is doing well and hasn't given you any reason for alarm.

I didn't snoop enough with my oldest son. Lord, how I wished I would have once he fell off the path.
 
Sorry Debbie :eek: , I my comments were directed at the original poster.....

I can see where you would feel justified in snooping if you had a problem child, and I respect that. I just feel that you teach trust by trusting and showing your child trust and respect - these are definitely not things they learn all of a sudden at 18 when they leave the home!
 
deanie said:
Sorry Debbie :eek: , I my comments were directed at the original poster.....

I can see where you would feel justified in snooping if you had a problem child, and I respect that. I just feel that you teach trust by trusting and showing your child trust and respect - these are definitely not things they learn all of a sudden at 18 when they leave the home!
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Don't worry about it Deanie. I just wanted to clarify.

I think the OP just couldn't help herself when she came across her 8 y/o's diary and read it. But after she had, she was worried about what she read. She can't go back, she did what she did and now is asking for opinions as to where to go from here.

As for me, even though my oldest put me through hell and back, continues to do so since he is a recovering addict (like his father, my ex) and the relapses are so very, very hard, it does make me a little more hardlined when it comes to my other children. Oh how I wish I wasn't so tainted but unfortunately, my son's addiction is just the hand we've all been dealt in this family and I know it has caused my daughter considerable pain with watching her father and brother.

To the original OP - I remembered when I was in high school I wrote some terribly sad songs. The song I remember best was this song about having no friends. The weird thing was is I had tons of very good, good friends and had a very good childhood - kind of Beaver Cleaver-like to some degree. But gee, that's not fun to write about so I invented these strange songs out of nothing but creativity of my own mind.

Now had my mother come across my songs and my poetry (I wrote poetry as well), I think she would have had a heart attack. But it was just an outlet. A form of expression and nothing more.

My point being, maybe you have seen a side of your daughter you didn't really know existed. What does your heart and your head tell you about her? Has she really given you serious reason for concern?
 
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