OT - Relationship Advice - a little long

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princesscks

Active Member
Hello everyone,

I don't post very often, I just read through this forum. I know a lot of you are helpful with advice, so I'd like to get your opinion on something that's been bothering me.

I am 25 years old and I will finish college next May. I have a boyfriend who is 31. He is studying business at the same school and he will graduate in May also. Anyway, we've been in a relationship for 6 months, we met in April. He has a lot of friends that he usually studies with at the school library.

My problem is that he never introduces me as his girlfriend. He just says: "this is my friend, Chiquita". He has NEVER said otherwise to anyone. And it's just downright hurtful I never mentioned any of it until last night. It took him about an hour to admit that he does it so that none of his female friends will get "jealous or uncomfortable" around me. He says he needs them so they can help him with studying for tests and basically helping him do well in his classes. I called him an obnoxious JERK for giving me such a BS reason! I have male friends who are attracted to me, but know I have a boyfriend, and it doesn't affect our friendship at all.

I told my boyfriend this and he said that one of the girls in particular likes him and has hinted that she is "looking for a husband". This nauseates me to no end. He refuses to inform her that I am his girlfriend for fear that she'll feel scorned and he'll lose a valuable "studymate". The woman has nothing on me, but it's the principle of the thing. How can he not acknowledge me in public?

FYI, this man has been a "great guy" otherwise. He helps me out financially, he takes me out often, we talk for hours almost every night, etc...Is this the fatal flaw that will end our relationship? Or am I just being petty? As for his study habits, I study with him often and he IS a very serious student, but why should I suffer so he can excel in school (when he could very well get A's all by himself)?

I've already drafted a long email telling him I offended I am and how he is hurting me deeply. There is nothing disrespectful in the email; just that he is very arrogant for believing girls will no longer be his friend when they find out he has a girlfriend; he is not THAT good-looking! LOL! (Just had to add a little humor, because I've been crying for the last 2 hours). I just wanna know if it's worth it to send the email or to just let it go.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.


-Chiquita :(
 
Hello Chiquita,

I am on your side on this issue. I believe his excuse is rather lame and selfish; it sounds to me like he wants to keep these women on a string in case it doesn't work out between the two of you! 6 months is a long time to be together and, by now, you are considered a couple so he should be introducing you as his girlfriend.

I don't know what you put in your email but I think you did the right thing. If you are not happy about anything in your relationship, it is always better to let the other know than to keep it inside and let it fester. Of course, you might anger him and he could end the relationship. On the other hand, he could finally see the light and don't want to risk losing you.

Alternatively, you could try another tactic like when he introduces you as 'this is my friend .....' you then say 'I am his girlfriend actually'.

Best of luck and stand your ground.

Yen
 
Now I've heard it all!! Please, are these women the only study partners in the world? Would he pretend to be gay if the people he wanted to study with with were gay men? That excuse sounds pretty lame to me. Men often like to keep one wrapped around the oar in the water while the other is around YOU. Not saying he is playing around or anything, just that in my experience I have found that alot of 'em have the "just in case it doesn't work with this one" scenario in mind. You are in the right here to feel insulted and hurt!

Point out to him that how *you* feel should outweigh how these other chickie-poo study partners feel. And, as Yen said, stand your ground. I also like her idea of introducing yourself as the girlfriend, if he doesn't.

Does it seem to anyone else that men are pulling this kind of thing later and later into life? It used to be 21-25 year olds who did this stuff, now it's 31 year olds! Oy....

Sparrow


My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
Chiquita, I say don't waste your time sending the e-mail; the longer it is the more he'll feel like he's got power over you for the feelings you've poured into it.

Just kick him to the curb and move on. This man is obviously selfish, and wants to keep his romantic options open by giving everyone else to understand that he's not in a committed or exclusive relationship. I have the feeling that come May, he might be planning on moving on away from you now that you've served his purposes.

A-Jock
 
FWIW, I agree with A-Jock.

If he disses your feelings for any reason, he's not a great guy.

You deserve better. You deserve a guy that will be there with you and for you 120% of the time.

Crikey, and he's 31? Perhaps he ought to act his age and not his shoe size.

Susan L.G.
 
I agree, his excuse is lame. There is definitely something not right about this, and his response just doesn't cut it.

If he truely believes what he says, wouldn't the woman who's interested in him feel even more rejected if she makes a move and he doesn't respond? My feeling is he wants to be in a position where he can respond if it happens.

He's either a commitment-phobe or just biding his time until 'something better' comes along. I think YOU could definitely find 'something better."
 
Definitely kick him to the curb. He has "commitment issues" written all over him, especially since he is in his 30s! I would be very upset if I was you, as well. I would also be very suspicious of his incredibly lame reasons for keeping you a secret. There is something very, very wrong with that picture.

I think the BEST revenge is for you to find yourself a very hunky "study partner" of your own!

Good luck. Someday maybe we'll be able to figure out why relationships are so difficult!

Marie
 
I would be wondering if there are any other of those girls that are more than just "friends". Maybe that's why he has to introduce you as "his friend"? That's my intuition. 25 is young! Go out and have a good time, don't waste your tears. And by the way, 6 months is long enough to be "out" as a couple. Move on!
 
>Chiquita, I say don't waste your time sending the e-mail; the
>longer it is the more he'll feel like he's got power over you
>for the feelings you've poured into it.
>
>Just kick him to the curb and move on. This man is obviously
>selfish, and wants to keep his romantic options open by giving
>everyone else to understand that he's not in a committed or
>exclusive relationship. I have the feeling that come May, he
>might be planning on moving on away from you now that you've
>served his purposes.
>
>A-Jock
>
>




I agree with A-Jock.
 
I completely agree with A-jock! BTW, he doesn't introduce you as his girlfriend because he doesn't think of you in that way and, IMHO, it would dimininsh you to correct him and really serve no purpose at all.

ETA that I didn't intend to sound so harsh, but it troubles me to see a strong, beautiful woman chase after a man who is undeserving of her affection.
 
I would like to thank all of you for your advice. It's really nice to know that I am not alone in this. Before I read your messages, though, I decided to send him the email.

In it, I explained to him that there are plenty of guys out there who ask me out all the time, and that I always politely respond that I'm in a relationship, and that they don't jump off a bridge afterwards. I also said I was willing to walk away if he didn't change immediately.

He called me at 8:30 this morning, apologized and thanked me for the heartfelt message. He said he had no idea that this was so important to me and that he was willing to change. He said I really am valuable to him and he'd like to keep me as his girlfriend. I didn't expect any of this. I thought he would be a jerk and that email would be our last communication. I told him that he would have to change immediately if I were to consider continuing the relationship.

I was tempted to tell him to buzz off. But he seemed sincere, totally opposite from the jerk he became last night. This is the first sign of anything rocky in this relationship, and I'd like to give him another chance.

Thanks, guys, for your support. I felt a lot better reading your replies.

-Chiquita
 
OK, I hate to be the witch here, but OF COURSE he is going to beg you to stay. You're his sure thing, and you're telling him to get lost.

Not my business, but I guarantee he'll be jerking you around again, sooner or later. *Sooner* than later.

People don't change. Guys don't change, women don't change, and guys definitely do not change for women.

Sorry. I usually don't sound off on relationship posts, but I've seen many friends go through this, and have rowed this boat a few times myself.

Please take care fo yourself!
 
Chiquita,

I would like to know if things work out between the two of you; whether or not this proves to be a wake up call for him and he does change his attitude.

I think that people should be given an explanation and a chance to prove themselves - some people are capable of change. If he is mature he will realise what you are worth to him therefore would be a fool to lose you. And vice versa.

I hope he one of those intelligent, mature men.

Yen
 
I have to admit that I've never been one to say "this is my boyfriend", and I'd rather not even say "this is my husband". There is something rather possessive about it, and it sort of reduces the person to being nothing more than his relationship to me. When I was dating I preferred to just say "this is Slick". Having said that, though, I was not doing it to hide our relationship or because I wasn't proud of our relationship, and I do not approve of what your boyfriend is doing. In short, I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters here. You've been together for 6 months already, and that is significant. You ARE his girlfriend, and he should be happy to have people know that. If he is not, then there is something wrong.

Oh, and I also agree with A-jock about not sending a pour-your-heart out email. It is important to act like you have the upper hand, whether or not you feel like you do. ;)

HTH,
Nancy
 
Thanks for your kind thoughts and firm advice. I will definitely let you know if and how things work out between us. I don't have a lot of hope for this, because as A-Jock stated, I feel that a lot of people don't change. And to be honest, it breaks my heart. This is not the first time I've had to contemplate breaking up with someone, but it's still tough. I still stand firm in my demands; he literally has 2 days to prove himself to me, or I'd rather be lonely for a while until a better guy comes along. For me, it's simple: introducing someone as girlfriend/wife/fiance, whatever, is a small, yet meaningful part of a relationship. It might seem like it means nothing when it's there, but when it's not (and the person refuses to make an effort to fix it), you realize just how hurtful it could be. The weakest part of me hopes that he'll come around fast, so I don't have to make that decision to call it quits. But my self-esteem has a way of coming around when I need it most. Thanks again for your support.

-Chiquita
 
I do hope it works out for you, one way or the other. You definitely sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and don't forget that there are LOADS of other fish in the sea!

Good luck,
Marie
 
Chiquita, let me tell you from my own experience this is a very bad sign. The last guy I dated--for almost 3 years--always introduced me as his "friend." Turned out he was cheating on me the entire time & stupid me, I didn't even realize.

When a guy calls you his "friend" that means he's keeping his options open. If you're OK w/that type of relationship--and some women allegedly are, although I have yet to meet one--then keep him around. But if you're not, I have to say get out now before you really get hurt.

You are absolutely right that it's better to be on your own than to be w/someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. Yes, it hurts, but it also feels good to keep your dignity & self respect.
 
Chiquita, I have to agree with the others and say just kick him to the curb. Don't even worry about giving him another chance. He has been introducing you as his "friend" the for six months to keep his options open. When I was in grad school, I knew a guy that had a long distance relationship with a girl, but he told everyone else at school that he was single. He was hooking up with other girls while his girlfriend was away. Then one day she came into town for a visit and announced to the world that, yes, she was indeed his girl friend and to stay away. They were having the same problem, he apologized, and they made up. But he had already cheated on her! Did it really matter than he NOW called her his girlfriend? He had already disrespected her for so long. Point is, he already disrespected you by not calling you his girlfriend all along in order to keep other girls interested. That alone is reason to cut him loose.
 
I have to chime in here, as well. Not because I have great advice to offer, but because I firmly believe that this is a VERY bad sign. Even if he changes his behavior because you just told him to does not at all change the motivation behind this behavior to begin with.

If he introduces you as his friend, he is definitely making sure he's leaving his options open. If he were truly dedicated to you, not only would he feel like he had to introduce you as his girlfriend, he'd be PROUD to do it. By making him do this proves absolutely nothing, except he knows how to calm the waters to make his situation comfortable again.

As harsh as this sounds, he's not devoted to you, and you are not that important to him. He may suddenly start calling you his "girlfriend", but you need to ask yourself why he did this to begin with. You should move on and find someone who would never put something as important as this in jeapordy for "a study partner," which 100% bull, by the way. I guarantee that his eyes are roaming, and this was just one of the signs. That part won't change.

Please move on and realize you deserve AND will most certainly find someone worthy of your affections!!

Sara
 
Well him not introducing you as his girlfriend does not keep you from refering to him over and over in front of his friend as your boyfriend. I would just tell a funny story and then end it with, "My mom always says, that boyfriend of yours is crazy." Maybe say, XXX is the best boyfriend he just did this for me. If he is offended by that then dump him because he is just keeping his options open.


KIM
 
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