Older and contemplating pregnancy

R

Roses

Cathlete
My husband is 39 (40 in March) and I'm 38. We have two daughters, 11 and 2, but have found ourselves talking about having just one more lately. He keeps bringing up that he'd love another but wonders if we're just too old. He's not even wanting a boy, just another healthy child. Of course, it's quite possible my time is up or close but I thought I'd post here and see what other people my age and older think about this.

We truly enjoy just spending time with our kids. Some of our friends whose kids are getting close to being out of high school keep reminding us that our "freedom" would be that much father away. It is busy with little ones, but we are just having a great time now. I'm sure three is tons more work than two. Just been thinking about this for about a year now and thought I'd ask here. Wondered if others near my age had these same thoughts. Thanks.

Sami
 
Hi,
I'm a few years younger than you (I'm 35, husband is 38) and I am expecting our 4th in a few short weeks. Everyone around us thinks we are nuts for having 4 and tell us so openly. But you know what, we don't care because its what WE want and DH and I are so excited about our baby on the way. I am a big believer in following your heart. I think you and your husband know whats in your heart. Who cares what others think. If you can finacially handle it and you are your DH want one, well I think you know the answer already!! I would never advise someone I don't know whether they should or should not have a baby but I can tell from reading your post that I think you have already made up your mind and just want some positive feedback.

38 is not old these days, it really is not. Although I must admit, they have classified me as advanced gestational age (my Dr. did not tell me directly but I actually saw the term written on my chart!!). Many many many women have healthy babies in their late 30s/early 40s.

edited to add one more thought- my first was 2 1/2 when my second was born, and my 2nd was 3 when my 3rd was born and my kids just ADORE each other. They are so close and have built in playmates. You already have a 2 year old so its gonna be a long time until you have your "freedom" anyway. People view kids differently, some can't wait for them to grow up and get out of the house so they can be free, but I think I'll be kinda sad when mine grow up.
 
I'm 34 and contemplating having our third in the next year or so. When I spoke to my midwife about my age eariler this year, she made me feel a lot better by explaing the AMA factors and what it all really means.

If it makes you feel better, look at all the celebrity moms these days that are having babies in their late 30s and even early 40s! I think you just have to trust that God will give you what He knows you can handle. If your heart is saying to have #3...GO FOR IT!

Our plan (at least as of today, this changes frequently) is to try next summer for a few months and if it's meant to happen, it will. My biggest concern for myself is not having the third and wishing somewhere down the road that I had.

Good luck with your decision!
 
Thanks Amynicole and Michele S-

I guess my husband and I were somewhat worried because I was 35 when my 2nd was born and my Gyno stated that I was "advanced in age" as amynicole said. He rather insisted I have an amnio done and so we did. I guess we let him impress us too much about me being older. The pregnancy went without a hitch. I'm not overly bothered by what others think, I just wondered how many out there my age were still wanting and having babies.

I too often wonder, like you Michele, if I'll hit my mid-forties and wish we had that third child. Anyway thanks....it helps hearing others thoughts.

Sami
 
Okay my thoughts, I completely agree with Amynicole and Michelle, don't worry about what others think - go for it. As for age, I can't comprehend the doctor's saying that 38 is advanced. I'm 38 and feel I'm pretty young and having my 6th. And look at it this way....if you're like me (and you ARE participating in this forum so you must taking care of your body) I have many friends that are younger and have let their bodies go to the point that they do feel old when they are in their 20's and early 30's. Keep doing those Cathe tapes and you will be young and feeling great when your in your 50's and 60's and beyond and you and your husband can still enjoy your time alone together.

If it helps, my midwife when I lived in Illinois had her last and easiest delivery at the age of 47, I know of 4 friends right off the top of my head that are in their mid/upper 40's and having babies (all of these have been born at home without any problems) and when I went to a homeschooling conference last year there were 7 women in their 50's that were pregnant and doing great - to my knowledge they have all delivered normal babies without any problems. Don't let those doctors tell you that you are higher risk than those younger moms. If you are exercising and eating right, you are almost certainly in better shape than most 20 year olds who are not!!!!

And my personal opinion (I'm sure you're dying to know this) is that most of the OB/GYN's handing out this opinion of high risk pregnancies above the age of 35 would drop dead if they engaged in a healthy round of IMAX along side of you (or even me and I'm in my 8th month). I'll get off my soapbox now!!!

Many blessings to you as you decide!!

Briee
 
Sami,

I have ten children. I am 47 and still open to having more children - talk about getting negative comments! I had my last five over the age of 35, actually, my last three I was over 40 - I was 45 with my last one.

People react very negatively to people having more than two children and always feel free to comment on your age etc. It is a bunch of bullcrap! As for FREEDOM - I consider my children freedom - my oldest wil be 30 next month and my youngest is 2 years old. I have been dealing with my children for 30 years now.

I have 7 children at home as of now - my husband and I love the children and cherish the children we have. We consider them a blessing - this totally baffles many people, but I don't care what anyone thinks, we support and take care of them. We do not ask for hand outs at all.

I have often said that if I had ten Mercedes sitting in my garage, people would be WOWED - they would say that we were rich and they would look up to us - but when they see we have 10 children - wwe are put down. I do not get it - My children are all worth more than a Mercedes!


So, you go for it girl - you will never regret having another baby. I think when people get older they will regret not having any more children rather than having more children.

Cheryl
 
Hi Sami,

Don't get thrown by that "advanced maternal age" stuff. That's automatic -- they put that on anyone's chart if they're over 35. In the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, that term is in an appendix listing "offensive terminology in women's health." The term that applies to me is "elderly prima gravida" (first-time pregnancy over 35). Isn't that a lovely descriptor? :p

Anyway I'm 37 and pregnant with my first child. I was told by medical professionals that due to my age, I would have trouble conceiving... but I conceived my second month trying! And so far I'm having an easy, textbook pregnancy. It's statistically true that a woman's risk for certain problems is higher after age 35, but it's not like the risk is nil under 35. And as others have pointed out, if you're healthier than the average, then your odds are better for having an easier time regardless of age.

I say follow your heart. 38 is definitely NOT too old!!!! :)
 
Do it!

Melanie
Baby boy due 1/25/04

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
Just wanted to add that the AMA of 35 was also derived when the average age of women having children was in their early to late 20s. My midwife told me point blank that the medical community would never raise the age to, say, 40 because it would open up a Pandora's box if someone 35 had a child with health problems and WASN'T offered all the testing (amnio, etc.)

I also love the analogy of children and Mercedes. I read that to my husband and we both couldn't agree more! I look at my children at enhancing my life, now and in the future, and am in no hurry to see them grow up and be on their own! Sure, there are times when it's nice to think about the pre-baby days, but I wouldn't trade what I have NOW for anything!:)
 
Hi Sami,
I know how you feel. I'm 37 and contemplating baby #2. My first is already 7 years old and we have thoroughly enjoyed the last 7 years. I was miserable however with having to go back to work 6 weeks later and I don't want to do that again. My husband has zero benefits and low pay, I have the health insurance and it's just not possible for me to stay-at-home. And trust me, I don't mean that I couldn't have my luxuries if I didn't work, I mean we would have to sell our modest house and move in with my parents and that just wouldn't work out. Most apartments in my area are even more than our mortgage which is considered very low for this day and time.

But to hold another baby would be so heavenly!!

I would love to hear anyone's stories about how they went from 2 incomes to one income (particularly when you lose 2/3 the total income). Would love to hear how you made things work. Did you go to one car? We're considering the one car thing, that's the only cutback that would really hurt me. (We already have older vehicles). I have always been used to having a car since I was 19 so I can't imagine not having a way to travel.

Lisa
 
Cheryl,
You are SO right, I had not though of it that concretely before. For my first 2 kids I got wonderful comments and everyone was so happy for us. With number 3, the comments were mixed but I got lots of "better you than me" or "you are nuts" and with my 4th now I get lots of eye rolls and you are nuts and mostly negative comments.

BUT that being said, I am so glad DH and I decided to follow our hearts. And I'm sure my 3rd and 4th kids will too!!

OH, I meant to say my Dr. called me advanced maternal age, not advanced gestation age!!
 
Cheryl - you are SO right! I was talking about another child with my friend over the weekend and I got the "better you than me honey" from her also.

My DH and I went to visit some friends at Barnes Children Hospital over the weekend. Their 4-month old baby girl has been in there for almost 6 weeks from open heart surgery. She knew we had mentioned another baby before (this was her third) and wondered if we had decided. We had a really great discussion. See our first daughter had seizures until she was seven, some of them hospitalized her. My husband had a horrible time dealing with her illness, even though I didn't consider it as terrible as he did. She's doing good now and our 2nd DD is a ball of fire. We're just having so much fun, but sometimes I wonder if he's just scared of having another child with problems. I think after reading these posts I'm going to confront him as to whether he thinks its really our age (I have some good age back up here to show him }( ) or a child with problems. He did mention on Saturday that maybe Thanksgiving would be a nice time to really think about #3.

I loved Cheryl's mention of the mercedes vs. kids. Those darn mercedes just don't fit in the bed on weekend mornings!! I laughed out loud at golfingirl's "elderly prima gravida" ... anyway prima sounds like a pretty cool term to be associated with. Thanks a bunch gals....belive me it really helps.

{This is getting quite long}....one more thing. I am a Cathe Addict, and in good shape...not Aquajock shape...but 4-6 Cathe workouts a week shape. The health aspect doesn't really scare me. DH does mention how old I would be when #3 would graduate high school. Thanks again...Sami:p
 
Hi, Sami. I had my first (and so far, only) child at the age of 41. She is 15 months old now and doing great. She is the joy of my life! You're certainly not old at 38 and like the others here, I say Go For It!!!
 
As I said earlier, I am contemplating baby #2. My son is 7 1/2 years old. I'm curious how it works when there is a large gap like this between children. Sami, do your kids relate well together being 9 years apart? I would love to hear from anyone that has kids that are spread far apart in age. I realize that they wouldn't play much together but I'm more curious as they get older if they will have much of a relationship. Too bad it took my this long to realize that I wanted my son to have a sibling. I wish I had went with my gut feeling when my son was 1.5 and went ahead and got pregnant. I always think too much about decisions and make things harder than they have to be. Darn it!
Thanks,
Lisa
 
Hi, Lisa!

I can answer this one from firsthand knowledge. I'm 34, my brother is 42 and my sister is 45 (and no, I was not an accident :)!) I can honestly say that growing up I was pretty much an "only" child. My sister went to college when I was in 2nd grade and was married when I was in 7th grade. My brother was a typical older brother...didn't want his baby sister bugging him at all.
BUT as adults, we now all have a wonderful relationship. I think once I hit my 20s the gap was finally bridged. My sister and I naturally became closer as our lives started to parallel (at least a little), and I was very lucky that my brother married someone that I love as a sister! My biggest regret is that our children aren't closer in age...my sister's oldest is 20, my oldest is 5!

GO FOR IT! You'll never regret giving your son a brother or sister!
 
Hi, Lisa!

My girls are a little less than 9 years apart....we love it. I had so many people tell me they wouldn't be close and wouldn't play together. Right now those people were wrong. I'm sure as my oldest hits those teenage years their relationship will change, but truly they play together all the time. My older, Tori, reads to and plays dolls with Karli. On the other hand Karli loves her grown up toys and dances to her music. They are very quiet when the other is gone somewhere. I think this is the biggest reason I've been thinking of another child. I keep thinking how quiet it will be when Tori is gone and its just us and Karli. I really want another playmate for her and heck we just love kids, I was just concerned we were getting too old.

I have sisters 5 and 9 years older. Its true I am closer to the sister only 5 years older, but I really believe its just because of our personalities. If my oldest sister was a year older than me I don't think it would matter, we just are so different and really don't have a thing in common. I went through the same thoughts you are having about a second child. We didn't start until Tori was 6. It took us a while to get pregnant, thus the 9 year span. You have to follow your heart, but my husband and I are SO GLAD we went ahead even though they are far apart. He was more negative about it than I was before Karli was born, but has told me many times he's so glad he consented to a second child. Now here I am asking for one more!

I know this is long, but my good friend has a sister 11 years older than her. They talk almost daily. She's the one that helped me to see my kids would be close if it was meant to be. I really think a big part of it is the personality of your children.

I'll be thinking about you...I know how you feel about weighing everying out...I do that too. Drive myself crazy sometimes!

Sami
 
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