Odd question for y'all

Hi Christine,

I have not read any of the other responses therefore, I don't know if anyone has said anything similar to my two cents:

Perhaps the counselor believes that the easiest way to get beyond this problem is for you to concede, rather than recommending that your DH should, IMO, display the common courtesy of letting his wife know when he will be home.

My DH is a royal PITA at least twice a week, but he *always* lets me know he's running late for any reason whatsoever. Always. Granted, he's not a terribly social person and is of the belief that family time has top priority, so I do expect him home at a certain time every evening. But, even if he had extracurricular activies I would still appreciate knowing his ETA, so I understand where you are coming from.

If it's just not an area where your DH is going to budge and it's not a deal breaker for you then maybe the counselor is correct and you should just accept it....

Just wanted to add that I don't agree that your DH should behave this way but think it likely that your counselor has your DH (and you) pegged and doesn't think that any leeway can be made with your DH. After reading a few of the posts I see where you said that you guys are having a very tough time. I'm so sorry!! I know how draining that can be!
 
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I might not be one to give advice, since I used to tell my ex not to come home until I wanted him there.........;) But, what I don't get is why she didn't tell your husband to have the courtesy to call YOU if he was running late so he wouldn't put you in the position of seeming as if you were trying to control him. It doesn't make you a ball & chain, it's just good manners.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Christine. Relationships are so difficult, & I really do hope you find what will make you happy.
 
Christine, I know how stressful marital problems can be! Hang in there.

So the counselor thinks your marriage is doomed -- but what does your HUSBAND think? Is he going through the motions, or is he committed to saving the marriage as you are? Is he only going to appease you? It takes 2 to make a marriage work. If he's not committed, then the counsellor may in fact be correct. And if that's the case, perhaps the suggestion that you don't challenge hubby on his schedule reflects the point of view that you are going to have to make concessions in order for him to continue to dwell with you in any kind of peace!

Yes, he SHOULD have the common courtesy, of course. But life is full of 'shoulds'. Unfortunately we often have to deal with what IS instead of what SHOULD BE. If whether or not he informs you what time to expect him is a deal breaker for BOTH of y'all, then marriage is doomed most likely. If the only way it will work is for you to ACCEPT his coming and going as he pleases, then you'll either have to accept it, or you'll have to go ahead and stop beating a dead horse, end it and move on.

Your husband is being unreasonable. But the point is, if he WON'T change, you'll either have to accept and live with that or you'll have to get out of it. The only other alternative is to continue to bang your head against the wall! And that's REALLY counter-productive.

I wish you the very best!

Judy
 
um, you guys are a married couple, not roommates. i think the counselor's advice is way off mark. just my 2 cents.
 
Judy W. said:
So the counselor thinks your marriage is doomed -- but what does your HUSBAND think? Is he going through the motions, or is he committed to saving the marriage as you are? Is he only going to appease you? It takes 2 to make a marriage work. If he's not committed, then the counsellor may in fact be correct. And if that's the case, perhaps the suggestion that you don't challenge hubby on his schedule reflects the point of view that you are going to have to make concessions in order for him to continue to dwell with you in any kind of peace!
Click to expand...

He was the one who made this appointment in an effort to put our marriage back on track, so I think he wants to make it work. I think the last month has been a time of accusations and way too much drama and we need to step back from where we are and figure out what was there to make us come together and fan those flames for a while. We do need to deal with the underlying issues, of course, but I think we need to concentrate on the good and sweep the bad under a rug for a bit to remind ourselves why we are together in the first place. Once we get to a better place, we can start pulling back the rug and dealing with what is there.
 
Christine,

I'm sorry you're going through this... it sounds like you're having a very tough time right now, and I'm sending you tons of hugs and positive chi. DH and I are going through counseling, too (since October), so I'm very much in your same boat. My best piece of advice would simply be to find someone you're both comfortable with. If you have any reservations about the counselor's dedication to helping you work on your marriage, then it might be best to switch to someone who is unequivocally willing to put forth all efforts to help you.

I'm terribly sorry you're having to deal with this. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent or anything.

MC
 
On a daily basis DH and I don't let each other know when we will be home. Sometimes I will call and ask if I really need to know. If it gets to be 6:30 and he isn't home yet I call and see were he is and when he will be home.

I think that it is normal to want to know when/if your spouse is going to be home. It seems part of the whole marriage deal to me :confused:
 
{{{{{Christine}}}}} I must've missed this thread somehow. I don't really have anything to offer beyond what's been said, and I'm inclined to agree with the general consensus. Please know that you and your DH have my prayers and I hope you can work things out.
 
husband or no, as a common courtesy he should let you know when he'll be home and where he'll be until then. also as kind of a safety issue. i don't think it is controlling to desire to have information like general whereabouts and schedule from a person with whom one shares a life.
if there are unusually bad fights or something as a result of some of the answers to those questions then that should be addressed, not your general desire/need to know where your husband is and when he plans to be home.
i would be shocked if i ever asked someone "where is your husband" or "around when will he be home" and had the person answer "i don't know"!!!!
 
My experience

My X of 21 years sounds like your DH. Believe it or not, our counselor gave me similar advice. I think it's because she knew if my X had consideration for my feelings, he would call me.

My current husband has enough respect for me to call.
 
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