Odd question for y'all

[andtckrtoo]

My DH and I are going to counseling for a myriad of issues. We had a session today and one thing the counselor said kind of raised a brow - and I wanted to run it by y'all as there are so many different personality types here. Maybe I'm over thinking this...

She said that I should not ask him what time he would be home. That he would come home when he wanted and that I should be happy to accept that, if we were going to make this work. The reasoning is that he feels I'm controlling him by asking him this - I do text him every afternoon asking when he'll be home so I know when to expect him or whether he plans to meet friends or whatever - he's pretty social, so I don't always know. That I should not expect him home for dinner, but if he shows up, that's great. I do, always, have the option not to make dinner, of course - he should not expect me to do that.

Just interested in your thoughts on this.

 

[ldy_solana]

k i am confused by the counselor's meaning behind this. he is your husband you have a right to ask if he has plans so that you don't sit around waiting for at home and you can make your own plans! what if you want to go out for dinner, r u suppose to just sit around and see if he is going to come home so you can go out together or go out on your own then he gets pissed if you are not home if he comes home for dinner?

totally confused as you are right now. i ask my husband all the time when he expects to be home from work so i know to try to be here when he gets home and he has some time to spend with his child and we can have some time together.

sorry but IMO that seems weird. its not controlling its just seeing what page he is on so you know what plans you can make.

kassia

 

[chefkate]

uh, i would think thats a normal question to ask your spouse!

dh lets me know every afternoon what time he'll be home so i know what time to plan dinner for.
id think that is common courtesy what if he were lying in a ditch somewhere?????

sounds like you guys have a lot to work on. wish you all the best!

 

[Roxie 1965]

I think your DH should be considerate enough to let you know if he isn't going to be home for dinner and if he is he should give you a time to expect him that is just common curtesy.

 

[andtckrtoo]

That's kind of what I thought, but I figured maybe I was being controlling and needed to relax a bit. We do have a lot to work on - maybe too much. I'm trying to be objective but this struck me a really weird - I mean, I do cook dinner most nights, and just knowing how much to cook would be nice - or if he's not coming home then I can cook something different for my DD and myself. I could understand if I needed to let him go out and do things and if he said he was meeting friends, then let him go (which I've done all along, by the way). Maybe other folks here have other ideas.

 

[earlyexerciser39]

For us, he is home every night at a specific time and if he will be early...no phone call/e-mail/text, but if he will be late, then I always get a phonecall/e-mail/text.

Would that work for you? I think that this is just common courtesy. If I won't be home when he gets home (I get off work sooner), then I will let him know as well.

I hope that the counseling works. Try not to let this one thing make or break your relationship with DH or with the counselor. HTH a little!
Jenn

 

[ImFiddY]

In a perfect world your husband should call you if he is not going to be home within a normal period of the time he usually comes home. But you text your husband every day and don't allow him to take this action. I can see how this can be irritating to him and have him feel controlled. He then will rebel. The counselor is asking you to loosen your apron strings on him some. Ease off. By doing so she is hoping you husband will relax and feel less stressed and controlled. When your husband feels more comfortable then hopefully he will take the initiative and call you himself when he will not be home at a regular hour.

 

[andtckrtoo]

Jenn - I'm perfectly fine with that. But according to this counselor - he doesn't have to do that much. Just come home when he wants, if he wants, and I'm supposed to greet him with a smile.


Now, to be fair, I had a one on one with this counselor and she basically told me to move. That there was really no way to repair this marriage (and there were very sound reasons for that statement, believe me - I was just raised to do everything humanly possible to save a marriage before I give up). I wonder if this were her way of saying the same thing, knowing that I am a planner and there is no way I can live with someone if I don't have an idea of their schedule. I would go crazy in a matter of days.

 

[andtckrtoo]

In a perfect world your husband should call you if he is not going to be home within a normal period of the time he usually comes home. But you text your husband every day and don't allow him to take this action. I can see how this can be irritating to him and have him feel controlled. He then will rebel. The counselor is asking you to loosen your apron strings on him some. Ease off. By doing so she is hoping you husband will relax and feel less stressed and controlled. When your husband feels more comfortable then hopefully he will take the initiative and call you himself when he will not be home at a regular hour.

See this is why I posted this question. I really appreciate this response. I don't text every day, but I do often enough that I can see this.

 

[coloradomama]

I call my husband every day when I'm coming home to see if a) he's home yet (he is a utility locator and does not have the same hours every day) and b) if not, when he thinks he'll be home. I will also let him know if I'm running late because I have to stop somewhere on the way home. It's common courtesy, especially when it comes to planning meal times. DH will let me know to eat without him if he knows he is going to be working really late (like every day during the summer!).

 

[JeanneMarie]

See this is why I posted this question. I really appreciate this response. I don't text every day, but I do often enough that I can see this.

In my opinion, it's just common courtesy and plain good manners to let someone you live with and love, know when you'll be home and what your plans are. That's called being a responsible adult. How would he feel if you didn't let him know when you were arriving home? Not only the courtesy angle, but safety too.

I don't think I agree with your counselor. It sounds like she is giving your DH permission to behave in a rude and inconsiderate way toward you. That's just not right.

 

[fitat49]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I would get a new counselor! Is she serious? Why don't you have the right to at least know about what time he is going to be home. Apparently the counselor has had some of her own relationship issues.

 

[babindy]

Really interesting. Especially with the info on the one-on-one. Sorry for all you're going through. I should say that I'm not married (anymore).

My $0.02
It would make me crazy to not know if/when my husband was coming home. That said, if I decided to follow the counselor's suggestion (at least as close as I could) I would make dinner/plans with my kid(s) and me in mind only. I would make enough so it could be heated later. It's not a special effort to make extra usually, just make the same thing you and your kid(s) want. If I'm awake if/when he comes home I would say hi as pleasantly as possible. I'd probably view this as my step out the door

 

[syzygy314]

k i am confused by the counselor's meaning behind this. he is your husband you have a right to ask if he has plans so that you don't sit around waiting for at home and you can make your own plans! what if you want to go out for dinner, r u suppose to just sit around and see if he is going to come home so you can go out together or go out on your own then he gets pissed if you are not home if he comes home for dinner?

totally confused as you are right now. i ask my husband all the time when he expects to be home from work so i know to try to be here when he gets home and he has some time to spend with his child and we can have some time together.

sorry but IMO that seems weird. its not controlling its just seeing what page he is on so you know what plans you can make.

kassia

I'm in agreement here. My DH and I keep joint online calendars, so we always know if there is a business meeting after work or a social event for either of us. Even though I know this, I still check to see what time he thinks he'll be home (especially if he rides the motorcycle!), just so I have an idea and I, in turn (after all, it's only fair ), make sure to give him some idea what time I'll be home. We also call when we're on our way.

Why should you be tied down at home while he gets to roam free without a schedule? If you know what to expect, you can make plans either to go out, run errands, or just so you know to fix a meal for one! (I'm assuming there are no children here.)

I find it puzzling that the counselor would require your complete acceptance of this! It sounds VERY old school, like 1950s old school!

Good luck! I hope you can work things out!

 

[andtckrtoo]

To be honest, this is to go both ways - he does not ask what time I will be home. I can choose to make dinner or not. I can choose to go out as well if I wish. So I don't have to sit at home and wait for him. I'm free to do as I please, too.

I just don't think this will work for me. I'll be fine not texting him at 4 asking when he'll be home, but if it's 6:30 and he's not home yet, I will want to know if he's planning on being home for dinner or whatever. I don't know. I agree with the advice to find another counselor, but this one will be for me. Not for us.

 

[janie1234]

she basically told me to move. That there was really no way to repair this marriage (and there were very sound reasons for that statement, believe me - I was just raised to do everything humanly possible to save a marriage before I give up).

Hmmm, . . . first I'm sorry you are going through this. This can't be easy for you. The counselor telling you to move was kinda interesting though especially if you've told her that you want to do everything humanly possible to save the marriage. I'm sure that there is more to this than you could or would want to possibly post. I am also one for doing everything humanly possible to make things work. My little brother is going through a divorce and I know it has been really hard. On another note, I don't see why asking him what time he will be home is such a big deal. My husband and I sorta just gosh, . . .deal with each others quirky but annoying habbits it is just something you do when you love each other you make accomodations and as much as it bugs me when my husband leaves the kitchen sponge wet in the sink and not in the sponge holder I shrug it off. He washes the dishes because it makes me happy and I don't nag about how he does it because that is the best he can do. You mention that he is very social. Maybe you have problems with who he's being social with? If your marriage is anything like my marriage work, and kids take up a lot of time and being able to spend time with your spouse becomes very important. Even just spending time at dinner talking about your days. He needs to sacrafice time with friends to make time for the marriage. Maybe you two can make dates? My husband and I make dates every Monday and Tuesday and we go mountain biking, jogging, and have breakfast at a local mom and pop restaurant in town. Finding time to do things together has really helped keep my relationship strong. Hey hang in there. I'm sure that whatever you decide it will be the right thing. One last word you deserve to be happy and respected don't settle for less. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we'll all be here to get you through whatever happens.

 

[jonahnah]

In my opinion, it's just common courtesy and plain good manners to let someone you live with and love, know when you'll be home and what your plans are. That's called being a responsible adult. How would he feel if you didn't let him know when you were arriving home? Not only the courtesy angle, but safety too.

I don't think I agree with your counselor. It sounds like she is giving your DH permission to behave in a rude and inconsiderate way toward you. That's just not right.

ITA with this! I almost always ask my DH when he'll be home--even if I'm NOT planning on cooking!! It's just plain courtesy to let your partner know your plans and whereabouts--especially when you have kids. He's a FATHER, not a child!

If your DH finds it "controlling" to have to tell you what he's going to do in 2-3 hours, IMHO he's looking for reasons to make you the bad guy and this counselor is just enabling him. "Let him come home whenever he wants"??? WTH?? Suppose he doesn't "want to" and stays out all night, should you be cool w/that too and would that be YOUR fault? It's total BS!

I'm very sorry for what you're going thru but you should NOT give up your right to normal, courteous behavior from your partner. The counselor should be telling your DH that he's being an jerk for not letting you know in advance.

 

[maddiesmum]

I'd get a new counsellor, that sounds like so much psycho bullshit.

I think that you have the right to know, more or less, when the people in your life will be around because usually it means they will need something from you. Then, if you know they will not be around at certain hours, you can make plans to use that time and know exactly what time each day is yours to spend as you will, and what time each day you must be available for others. This, it seems to me, is a normal part of living with others and being the mother/responsible female adult in the family/relationship.

Because women end up doing so much for others, it is simply common courtesy for them to tell us when they will be around and when not, so we know how to organize our day. It has nothing to do with wanting to control others, no matter what their relationship to us.

This counsellor simply seems very tiresome and overly pretentious. Can you deal with this kind of rubbish?

Clare

 

[momof10]

I feel it is just a common courtesy to let one another know when they will be home. You live together as husband and wife, you should be able to know when your husband will be home. Where is the accountability to one another when everyone just comes and goes as they please?

I guess I am just old fashioned that way. I wish you the best Christine, keep us all posted as to your progress.

Cheryl

 

[spyrosmom]

I really don't have much to add here. Everyone else has pretty much said how I feel as well. But I did want to send along a {{{HUG}}}

Nan