obese friend... feeling frustrated...

>Hello Delfin,
>
>I have to agree with Kathryn, I would treat this like an
>addiction also. I know your pain, my sister is obese, and
>sickly. I love her so much, and I get angry, because it seems
>she has just given up on the idea of making herself active. I
>sometimes feel that she would rather sit and watch a movie
>instead of working out for her health. It is very frustrating
>to see her in denial. I've expressed to her my hands are
>tied, because of the lack of knowledge, to help her. Now lets
>see what she does with that.
>
>My advice though, do whatever it takes to make her understand
>that she needs to change the way she eats forever. Time is
>running out. And also love her for who she is. And know you
>did your part to help a friend or loved one.
>

You cannot help an addict unless they want to be helped....it really doesn't matter what you say.

JMO,
Robin

ETA: The first step has to come from within.
 
That's exactly right, Robin.

Also, if you read all the things that are being done for this person to allow her to function in the real world, for example, your husband driving the car that she can get into better, etc., why should she change her lifestyle.

You are just being kind, of course, but this is an example of why addicts stay stuck. Sometimes caring people will use their strengths to help people with weaknesses, all in the name of 'helping'. But, is it really helping?

If you feel strongly that you should say something, pick the right time and choose your phrases carefully. Good luck!
 
I also think it's important to consider your motivations in speaking to the person. If you are angry or frustrated, that is going to come out. Consider: do you want to have the conversation because you are annoyed at the difficulties this person is creating for you? I don't mean that harshly, just that if you are having the conversation out of frustration, it is likely to go nowhere fast.

And I agree with Candi and Robyn, interventions really don't work. The person has to be ready to change. But you never know - perhaps she is and doesn't know how to ask for help. We shouldn't assume people "know" how to get healthy. As someone else pointed out, there is so much contradictory (and sometimes harmful) information available, and we are culturally addicted to the quick fix.

It's not an easy situation and I hope it works out for you!

Marie
 
I'm another who has been there. My first 45 years were spent living as pleasingly plump, moderately and then finally morbidly obese (305 lbs, 5'1").

She doesn't need to hear it from you. A part of the baggage carried by the morbidly obese is guilt and shame. She DOES know she has a problem, far better than you do! She lives with it day in and day out. Whenever it is pointed out to her, she wishes she could just fade away.

Sure, a lot of the "weightloss advice" out there is confusing, but she certainly knows that there are places to turn for help. Of course, the medical profession is often less than compassionate with the obese -- after all, the problem was self-caused! But when a person is finally ready to reach out and take control, they WILL find the resources that are available. They don't need friends and relatives, no matter how well-intended, to tell them what to do or where to turn. And they certainly don't need strangers! I can tell you, she has probably received advice from people on the street. Her fat makes her oh so visible, and what she really wants to do is disappear! It's a rough life.

I could go on, but I won't. I now weigh 115 and work out faithfully as well as control my calories. It can be done!

She needs support from those who care about her. She doesn't need unsolicited advice, and would tune you out.

I understand -- I HATE to be around fat people overeating! I avoid church meals whenever possible -- the sight almost makes me ill. But I feel compassion for these dear folks -- I know the road they tread only too well.

Sorry to go on and on!

Angel
 
I understand those of you who are saying that she knows she is obese and will get help when she is ready, but my question is, what if she is never ready and it therefore causes her to lose her life at an early age?
I agree with Kathryn that maybe sometimes people just need a wake up call, especially if the reason you are talking to her is because you care for her. I have never been obese, so I can not speak from experience, but maybe if you just try to discuss it with her without sounding judgemental or condesending she may open up. Maybe just try to get her point of view and try to see what she is going through inside it may help you and maybe her understand.

I wish you luck. It is a really difficult position to be in I'm sure.

Katie
 
I asked this same question on this forum about a week or so ago about my mom. I was wondering how to go about helping her or having an "intervention" with her about her weight and her eating. I received very similar responses - some said to just say something, but most said that is a decision my mom needs to make on her own. Unfortunately, my mom did NOT have the tools to begin a healthier lifestyle if she ever made that decision to get healthy (she had been brainwashed by popular diets into thinking a bacon cheeseburger with no bun was health food)

So my tactic was to just give her the tools she needed and make it seem like it was just a normal part of life (everyone has to watch what they eat, not just you). About 6 months ago I bought her a Leslie Sansome walking tape. She knows I like exercise videos, so I sort of acted like I wanted her to share in my hobby. She used it a couple of times. I bought her 3 more Leslie videos for Christmas (including one for toning). She said she couldn't do the lunges and squats exercises even with a lot of modifications so she didn't use them. I realized she needed to lose more weight before a lot of exercise. So I got her the book "The Formula" by Gene Daoust. She said that she couldn't go on a diet right now (my step-dad had just had major surgery). My sister got the book too and we just said it was something we could all do together (as in, she is not weird or needs some special program that we all want to be healthier). My sister visited a couple of weekends ago and they read the book together and she said it was sorta fun. I think my sister some how made it seem like a fun thing for the 3 of us to do together.


Anyway, my mom and I talked yesterday and she told me she has been trying the diet for the last week and already lost 3 pounds, even with several cheat meals. She didn't tell us she was going to diet, she just made the decision on her own. We had given her all the tools, and made sorta of our own accountability system with each other. I am hoping she will stick with it for good, and I am glad she finally made the decision on her own to try eating healthier. Next I hope she picks up those walking videos I gave her and does them regularly.

- Diane
 
I have a similar problem. My sister has gained about 50 lbs since she became a stay at home mom. If that isn't bad enough, 2 of her 3 kids, age 5 and 10, are fat as well. Their house is filled with junk food, and the kids help themselves whenever they want to whatever they want. Cookies at 5 pm! An entire box of cookies between 3 kids after dinner! It boggles the mind. I try to drop hints about limiting junk food, but I'm either too subtle or she doesn't want to tell them no. It's tough to watch my nieces screw up their health at such an early age.
Amy:+
 
I feel really angry when I see large women/mother's with little fat kids. I do not understand how someone could be so overweight themselves...and then allow their children to become obese as well and doom them to a childhood of misery, ridicule, and segregation from other kids.

One year in my dd ballet class a very overweight child joined the class. When this little girl would arrive for class, she was always eating candy bars and drinking a can of pop. Her mother was quite large herself. The poor girl could not do the ballet moves. She would sort of kick a fat foot out here and there but for the most part she just stood there watching the other kids. It was maddening to see her time and time again show up for class eating candy, swiggin on her pop and then once she was changed for class her mother had to tie her shoes for her because the child was too big to bend over and do it herself...this girl was 6 years old. I just wanted to slap her mother upside the head. And that was a few years ago...the little girl has steadily gotten bigger and bigger. She'll be huge by the time she's in high school and she'll have her parents to thank for the state of her health.
 
Good questions - I have often wondered this as well. I work with a lady who is obese and constantly complains about her knees and joints....I finally asked my boss to buy healthy snacks for the office instead of strictly candy bars which we give to clients - he did - but she only goes for the candy bars......nothing I can do - she has a choice and has decided which way she wants to go......

However, on the issue of childhood obesity........that is entirely different! Speak up to other mothers if you know them about not bringing unhealthy snacks into a healthy environment -tell they you are trying to teach your child healthy living skills - yes she will be offended but your child does not need to think that behavior is ok either - I would ask the ballet instructor to give a minute of healthy eating advice after all the classes and tips on how to maintain a healthy lifestyle outside of the classroom. As an instructor and educator she has the right to do so! Children need advice even if it doesn't come from the mother who shoves candy bars down their faces - that is revolting to me! Our society needs to pull together to nip that in the butt before its too late - its too bad people get insulted so easily.......(I would definitely limit nieces and nephews sugar intake when watching them and tell them why you do that - they are smart and will pick up on that information)
 
I would say, Angel, that you are the one with the good answer since you've been there. What you said is almost a quote from Dr. Phil, who said he can predict when a person in that situation will change - it's when they can no longer stand to be in that situation any more. It HAS to be an individual decision. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top