O/T:Very Personal-Dealing with parents

nancy324

nancy324

Cathlete
Every time I see my parents they have to put me down or mention something from 20 years ago that I did that they didn't like. It irks me even more because my brothers can do no wrong in their eyes. x(

On father's day the whole family went to breakfast together and it was lovely until my father started talking about how when I was in college I called too much and talked too long and how annoying it was for him. That was 25 years ago! And he did it in front of my stepson and his girlfriend, which was embarassing.

I'm getting ready to call them this weekend and let them know that it's unacceptable, but I have to calm down first.

Does anyone else have these issues with their parents? It would really help me to know I'm not the only one. Thanks guys.
 
Hi Nancy. My sympathies. I think toxic relationships with parents are the norm, not the exception, especially with people our age (I think teenagers have better relationships with their parents now than we did.)

Of course your father's behavior is unacceptable. He won't change though. You can and probably should express your feelings about it, but that will likely result in more negative judgmental emotions directed towards you. You are going to have to accept him the way he is and just limit the interactions, never setting yourself up for disappointment, resentment and anger by magically expecting him to change, or that you can prevent the attacks by acting this way or that way.

My parents are also completely unacceptable to me. There are things about them that I respect and things I am grateful for, but that only gets you so far. Overall, I avoid them, keep our interactions brief and distant and consciously avoid getting sucked into their psychological games. You have to grieve over the loss of what could have been a wonderful thing, to have a close relationship with your parents throughout their lives, forgive yourself for whatever you may have done, accept the reality of what is, and plan for how you will minimize the damage in the future. Don't let them bother you. Protect yourself. I just dont do things with my parents except for Xmas (hell) and 2 or 3 other perfunctory visits a year. They whine, they guilt-trip, they badmouth me behind my back, but it's better than spending more time being attacked and abused! I feel like a winner.

More free advice any time you want it! :p
 
Liane,
I wasn't sure I should post that, but after reading your response, I'm glad I did. Thank you!! If someone as wonderful as you can be criticized by her parents, then maybe I'm not so bad either. To be honest, I think we're both pretty terrific!

Thanks again girlfriend,

Nancy
 
I have to put in my two cents on this one, I come from a very abusive family, in words me and my parents have what I call a love hate relationship, My mother ALWAYS put me down and she did it worse in front of my friends for some reason. and now that I am grown and they are in Arizona and I am in Utah things still are not that great between them, when I do call them my mom is very cold and short with me. I feel that my parents can't stand me because I am what I call a reminder for all that went wrong. My dad spent most of my teenage years trying to get me to run away ( finally did ) I know it hurts so deep when they criticize you. I know that same pain. I get through it with the love of my hubby and his family. I can now throw it all away and let it blow off. As for the sibling thing. My brothers are alcoholics and druggies. my baby brother does the drugs and he even threatened to kill my parents but yet they bought a house for him and they all live together. They even gave him a car to replace the one that was stolen. Now if that was me it would be a differant story. My parents always made me pay them for the car they bought me and I had to pay for a room to be remodeled for the house.
Hang in there, don't let it get to you and I know that is hard to do when your parents are so hard on you, My parents always brings up things that happened 20 years ago.
 
I've been estranged from my mother for 3 years. She's never even seen my youngest child (her choice). I was tired of the way she treated me and wouldn't tolerate it anymore. Once I stood up for myself, she wouldn't have anything to do with me and acts like she's the victim in our relationship to anyone who will listen to her. I feel so much more at peace now that she's out of my life.

My father and I aren't close, but we keep in touch regularly. Our relationship feels like an obligation to me, but that's ok.

I do feel grateful to both of my parents for the sacrifices they made for me when I was growing up, but I could only take so much from my mother before deciding that enough was enough.

Erica
 
I have mom issues and issues with my boyfriend's mother. Like issues with my own mom isn't enough so I need the other one to bug me too!

My mom and I are very different creatures and have completely different lives. She was a stay at home mom who devoted her life to my dad and us kids and never had a job after she got pregnant w/her first child. I am a professional woman who works upwards of 50/60 hours per week and holds a pretty powerful position. She has no concept of my responsibilties, etc. and has no understanding of what I dgo through in a given day, but she does and says many things that make me think that she really just thinks that I have a $5/hour job that has no stress or issues. She can't understand why I just can't drop life and take days off and visit her, etc. and she never ahs any understanding of the stress that I am under.

And then, there is my shining brother, who although he does, can do no wrong. In an italian household, the son is a godly creature that can do no wrong, especially in his mother's eyes! Now that we are a bit older (and bolder, I guess), we all outwardly joke about how the sons can "do no wrong" and of course, the mother's all say we are exaggerating. But true...it certainly is!

My BF's mom is currently in a war with me - all to herself though b/c I have no idea what her issue is! A minor thing happened and she suddenly won't speak to me or look me in the eye, even in my own house when I invited her to dinner. um...whatever.

You are TOTALLY NOT the only one that has issues. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to try and attack them (ie BF's mom isn't going to sit with me and have a productive conversation about this) and what difference it will truly make. I mean, after all of these years, you can't change them.

I think your dad's comment was hurtful though. Maybe if you did say something, he'd think before he spoke next time. He might not have meant it to be a hurtful comment but I can see how it was.
 
Thank you Nancy. I thought you were brave to bring it up. It's good to get some perspective from something as random as a Cathe fitness forum, I truly believe it.

Yes, my father once told me that I have been a "bad investment". I thought you would find that one amusing.

Feel free to email me privately [email protected]
 
I just cringed when I read your "bad investment" comment in this post. I can't imagine how hurtful a comment like that would be. I have a great relationship with my mom, but my dad is another story. He has never been abusive, just not there, and that has hurt enough. My husband is so good with our daughter, they have all these special rituals that make her feel loved and secure. I wish all kids could have that, and don't understand why my husband is more the exception than the rule. I am so sorry you had to hear these words from such an important person in you life!;( My heart goes out to you!!!!

Hopefull
 
Thank you so much. Your words were very much appreciated. I actually was so old when he said this that it didn't affect me too much. I was "used to it" and had already figured out where he was coming from and how little it really meant to me at a deep level. It served instead to confirm that I couldn't trust him, that he didn't love me and that I had to create strong boundaries. Thank you. I probably shouldn't have posted that. This whole thing is getting me all emotional and I hate that!!

I try to stay so objective and rational. Help!;-)
 
Liane is one of the most wonderful people on these boards, but I respectfully disagree that you, Nancy, should have to "accept" your Father's disregard for you any longer. Of course you should tell him how hurtful his comments are, and that, should he not reconsider them and change his attitude towards you, it will make your future relationship problematic. That, in my book, is not tantamount to "Acepting your father" for the sexist, possibly misogynist man that he is. I base these comments on things you said to me a year ago by email about your father's treatment of you historically.

Men who find their daughters to be disppointments, "bad investments" do not deserve to have children fullstop and are questionable human beings.

I think the conversation with your father, actually with both parents actually, is long overdue. Your mother is also responsible because she has done nothing or little to stop him from belittling you for so long. I send you stacks of courage for it will not be easy, but it seems to me that your own self-esteem is at issue here, so it must be done. And if it leads to a total break in communication with your parents, I would accept that, were I in your position, because I could not ever entertain social gatherings again with parents who disrespected me and could not see my worth as a human being on this planet. And no, my standards are not too high (I remember you said that once and again, I respectfully disagree).

I also must disagree that toxic relationships are the norm with parents of our generation. My father does not belittle me ever, in fact he writes me letters to tell me that even though I find myself to be lacking, he is proud of me and staunchly supports me. My mother worries about me incessantly and is so relieved that now, recently, I am doing better.

Parents are just human beings. Would you allow a co-worker, a boss, a husband or lover or friend to treat you like this? So, why should fathers or mothers be let off the hook of accountability for treating fellow human beings with (dis)respect?

Nancy: I am willing you to be strong. I'm sending you strength, courage and all my support for this difficult encounter. No matter what happens though, I think you will be a stronger person for it.

Clare :)
 
My father is always reminding me how much I've cost him financially over the years and basically tried to upset me as much as he can - but then likes to remind me that it's only because he cares about me and worries for me. Oh and he uses my mother too by saying "but your mother is worried sick about you doing that" - when she isn't at all. I am used to the emotional and psychological mind games now and basically keep any interactions with my family brief. My father will never change and I have learned to accept that. He also tries to tell my husband what he should do as well which I think is also unacceptable.

What my parents don't seem to remember is that I achieved a law degree, became a successful attorney here in the UK, have never been in trouble with the police, I never got myself pregnant before marriage, I was never into drugs or anything like that......yet somehow I'm still the worst daughter in the world. I personally think families are overrated because I've had nothing but grief and emotional blackmail from mine - all I need now is my husband and 2 cats :)

Josie
 
Nancy,

I've had toxic relationships with my grandparents and others and I recommend reading one of the many great books on the market about dealing with toxic relationships. It will go a long way to making you feel secure and confident despite other's efforts to undermine you.

And that's what it is. Your father is insecure and threatened by you and since he cannot find anything recent about you to criticize he brings up an event that's 25yrs old.

I think a quick response to these types of attacks might be: "Wow, and now I'm all grown up and I can't imagine why anyone would bring up such a petty old thing unless it's just because I'm such a terrific mother/friend/woman now and that person is just plain rude. Can you believe I (name accomplishment here: climbed Mt. McKinley/learned how to scuba dive/run a department of 126 people/remodeled our house last year/etc)."

Undoubtedly he will say something like "well, I was just kidding" or "well it's true and you can't deny it". Then you change the subject. Now everyone's antennae are up seeking out any more mean petty comments from your Dad.

It reflects upon him, not you. You have to feel sorry for him really. He has nothing and he is driving you away too.

I wish you the best in eliminating toxic relationships from your life and moving above & beyond.

Dawn
 
Well, WOW. Mogambo may think it is brave of me to post, but each of you who responded are just as brave, and I thank each one of you for doing so.

Lesliemarie and Brit-Josie, it occurred to me while reading your posts that we may be chosen as the scapegoats in our families for any reason, and not necessarily for a flaw. We may be the ones who make our parents feel the least comfortable with themselves, or who are able to confront them when our siblings just wimp out. We may be the strong ones, rather than the ones who are inherently less deserving, as we think we are. Good for both of you for finding a hubby who appreciates you! It took me a long time to find the husband I deserved, but first I had to feel deserving, which is the hard part.

Clare, when it comes to standards for your parents respecting you, no standards are too high!! You are so lucky to have your father. I absolutely agree with you that I need to confront my parents, and I will, and thank you so much for your message of strength!

Erica, I feel sorry for your mother and all she is missing by not having you and your daughter in her life. Her loss.

Timber99, I totally relate. Jewish families are like Italian families in that the boys are revered. It's a bit less obvious, but it's there. It's just a hunch, but your BF's mom sounds jealous of something about you. Is your BF by any chance an only child? Maybe she resents the time he spends with you. Just a wild guess.

DawnP, you are right on the mark. There's no question in my mind that my father is very insecure and it IS his problem if he needs to bring up ancient stuff. I just wish he would see a therapist and deal with it there instead of dumping all his trash on me. I'm ready to put my foot down. And I'll do it today. Wish me luck all!

-Nancy
 
Today! Wow. Maybe you should let a trusted friend help you edit the letter and optimize your choice of words first, said Mogambo, nervously wringing her hands and shifting from foot to foot like a neurotic chimpanzee.

Anyway, I just don't want you to get slammed for nothing. But good luck, and certainly keep us posted.
 
Just wanted to second what Liane said - wishing you lots of luck and I would love to hear how things go.

Take care!

Erica
 
Oh, I just can't keep my mouth shut when I should. I just want to add how important it is to remember that you are doing this for yourself, not for him. You probably won't be able to change him. The situation itself probably won't change. Might even get worse, in some ways. But it will be good, I think, to get your feelings off your chest and place them where they belong. Maybe then it will be easier to let go a bit and allow your parents to take the place they're earned in your life, their proper place of less importance.

Best wishes,
Shari
 
My father was an alchoholic and abusive when I was growing up, to all of us (even the dog). He also smoked like a chimney and contracted Cancer. He recently passed away from complications of Emphyzema.

I went through years of counseling and finally came to understand how his behavior affected my relationships. I had no real feelings as he lay there in his hospital bed gasping for breath and was relieved when he finally took his last breath. The rest of my family could not understand how I treated his hospital confinement and funeral arrangements so clinically. I didn't feel guilty at all, only sad that I didn't have a better father.
 
Nancy:

Of course we are all on tenterhooks wondering just how it went. Feel secure to come and tell us if there are things you need to work though and get off your chest, but if it is all too personal, well, we understand that too.

I just hope you are OK and came out of it well and with your head held high.

best wishes,

Clare
 
I just started counseling for dealing with issues I have with my parents. Part of me gets so upset that at the age of 32, I can't defend myself when I talk to my parents. I just dread the weekly phone call (I feel obligated to call).

I often end up tears when I think about my parents not being the parents that I needed them to be. My mother has never been nurturing and is just not a "womanly mom" - not into stereotypical women things - makeup, sewing, clothes, etc. And I think this is why I have such a hard time making female friends. My dad was constantly belittled by my mom and just never stood up for himself. And now he tries to give me guilt trips for not going to family functions. Family functions are aweful! My mom and dad nitpicking at each other. And being around my freeloading brothers - that's another issue. You'd think my parents would be proud of me that I no longer need their financial support unlike my brothers who barely work, and can take time off everytime my parents come to visit.

I guess I'm just waiting for the lightbulb to go off in my head where I'm no longer affected by what my parents say. I hope counseling helps because it sure is costing me an arm and a leg.

Beth
 
I think one of the best responses when anyone says something outrageous (even parents) is to look them in the eye and say "I beg your pardon!". It gets the message across that this is not acceptable without pushing them into a corner. We can spend a lot of emotional energy trying to make things right, but in my experience, trying to deal with things only seems to make them worse. The family system is very entrenched and when you tweak the system, they'll redouble their efforts to keep the status quo. Retrenching the system usually involves making you feel as lousy as possible for disturbing things.

As for favoring boys, well we still live in a patriarchal world where boys are more prized than girls. That problem is bigger than just a single family.

I would suggest that you stop seeing them, and I don't think you owe them an explanation as to why. If they're concerned, let them come to you. So many of us keep going back hoping that we'll be accepted and loved if we try one more time. Most of the time it doesn't work.

As for the father who made the bad investment comment. I would say to him " I'll keep that in mind Dad, when I choose your nursing home." Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
 
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