O/T:Very Personal-Dealing with parents

Thank you all for being interested in how it went. I'll tell you by paraphrasing from the email I wrote to Magambo yesterday:

I called my parents and it went well. I said everything I wanted to say, and said it well!! My father got angry and defensive and I kept having to interrupt him and finally told him the phone call was about me, and I was going to say everything I wanted to say and he was going to listen!! I told him what he said was unacceptable and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. I said I'm not going to sit still and be put down by them ever again. And if they do it ever again I will stand up and give it back to them in a loud voice and make a scene and embarass them. Yes, I said that. :)

My mother was helpful. When my father really escalated, she told him to calm down and listen to what I had to say. She said they never meant to hurt me and that they would be careful in the future. :) At the end of the call, my father even said the same thing. I told them that I loved them and enjoy the relationship I have with them and that I am very proud of them and even enumerated some of the things that I am grateful to my father for. I sounded just right on the phone, but by the time I hung up I was shaking like a leaf.

So there you have it. Long story short, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. :D Bring on the Hardcore series!!

Thank you all so much for your help with this! Anyone inspired to try it themselves? }(
 
Nancy,

I didn't reply in the first place because I didn't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I admire you for what you did. It sounds like you said all the right things and had the confrontation in a loving but firm manner. Sounds like you definitely did the right thing in the right way, and I hope you got through to your father in the long run.

Amanda
 
Hi,
In my humble opinion, I would write 2 letters. One for you not to send, and rip it up afterwards (to get your anger out), and one letter to send. I think a well thought out, and well expressed letter will be better than a phone call or conversation, because they will not feel cornered and thus just worry about defending themselves and not really hear what your saying. I think giving them time to read it, and re-read it will help them to absorb your message. In the letter mention a date that you will call or visit them to discuss the letter. I feel in person would be better for healing purposes, in hopes there is some healing there.
There is a book I have herd about re: BOUNDRIES in family relationships and how to set them up and how to express your boundries to others. There's a bunch of good books from these guys on the topic. The website for the book is from a Christian ministry called www.newlife.com. Even if your not a Christian, I think there is a lot wisdom you can get from the books.

hope that helps.
Faythe
 
Nancy - you did great. I'm glad things went as well as they did. You must feel really good that you stood up for yourself and that things ended on a positive note.

As I said earlier, my mother and I have been estranged for 3 years. DH and I are also dealing with issues with my MIL. Just this year, we finally started standing up to her and not allowing her to treat us disrespectfully.

I hope that what you did with your dad helps to start a whole new, healthy relationship with him.

Erica
 
Hi Nancy you did great! I wish I only had the courage to do the same thing, But I keep letting my parents hurt me time and time again when I call them, I hardly call now and it tears at my heartstrings, I dread everytime they come to visit because it is so uncomfortable, we hardly talk and when we do it is about the past and it is driving me nuts! When I went to visit them my mom hurt me so bad that I left early and didn't tell her by or nothing and I didn't call her for a time being.
One instance that still hurts me the most is when my oldest child at the time was only 2 just got out of the hospital after spending a week there on IV's and antibiotics and she still came home with a slight fever and still under the weather. My mom sent me a nasty letter saying how she hated me because I didn't go over there to help them move while my daughter was sick!! My mom earned the nick name of the female version of Hitler when she was boss for some company, everyone hated working for her.
Now if I only had the courage to tell them how I feel. But I don't think I will ever get there. I know my mothers wrath to well.
 
Hi,
I just read what you did "after" I added my opinion below... I'm glad it worked out for you. I would just encourage them when they do the right things, like if they say kind things to you, I would thank them and make it a positive experience. Let them know you noticed (which I'm sure it will become like second nature). I once heard someone say that we teach people how to treat us. If we accept bad behavior aimed at us, it will continue. I know this also from personal experience. Once we realise this, and act, it's difficult at first, but usually ends the way yours did. In a positive way. I'm happy for you.

Faythe
 
I'm so glad it ended so well. I just wanted to add that jealousy could be a factor here. We are in the prime of life while our parents are facing the fact that they're closer to the end of life than the beginning. Most of us have more opportunities than they did. They often feel that they sacrificed their best years for us and our needs, and they want something back. Putting us down is a way of maintaining control over us. It keeps us in the position of trying to please them. It's a poor way of maintaining control, but it may be the only way they can cope with the fact that time is moving forward.
Seeing children grow and become independent is a mixed bag. On the one hand they're proud, but on the other hand they're fearful. My children really don't need me anymore. What will become of me? My children will one day have control over my life. Many times these issues don't surface, but they are there and we need to realize this.
 
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

I got so sad reading this. You deserve way better than that...

And even though I don't know you, i'm betting rather strongly that you're a terrific person!
 
Faythe-
Excellent idea that we should all take note of. Don't just criticize them for the negative, but reinforce the positive. Thanks for your thoughts!
-Nancy
 
What a wise and insightful post. I don't know if this has anything to do with Nancy, but it is certainly a good thing for us all to be aware of. I know I've thought about how I will feel when I am old and my daughter is still young and vital. I will be happy for her, but also wishing I could be young again. Hell, I'm wishing that now as I watch her young attractive self go to Egypt, go to Peru, getting a cool internship in DC! If she wasn't my only child, I might very well be a bit jealous.

I think all these issues you brought up are important for us all to think about as they relate to both our parents and ourselves. Thank you.
 
Nancy,
Thanks. I have lots of experience dealing with my disfunctional family. I listen to a good counceling show on the radio that talks about these type of things daily, and I pick up some things.
Faythe
 
>Timber99, I totally relate. Jewish families are like Italian
>families in that the boys are revered. It's a bit less
>obvious, but it's there. It's just a hunch, but your BF's mom
>sounds jealous of something about you. Is your BF by any
>chance an only child? Maybe she resents the time he spends
>with you. Just a wild guess.
>

Nancy,

Funny that you say that! He is NOT an only child but he IS the "golden boy/number one son." And I think her issues are certainly due to jealousy of my relationship with his daughter (of a former marriage) and the fact that he wants me to be a "step mother" to her and take more control of her life and decicions than he wants her to take. ...but that is his choice as a parent to her!

Christine
 
Thanks Lesliemarie.

Did your mother actually say in the letter that she "hated" you? Or was that just the tone of her letter? It's hard to imagine a parent telling a child something like that.

If she's that bad, and there is no joy of any kind your relationship with your parents, you might just want to cut them out of your life completely. Whatever heartaches parents may give us, most of them have some redeeming value, even if it's only being a good grandparent for the kids or whatever. If there is really nothing there, why allow yourself to be tortured? You deserve better.
 
I don't know if I can add anything to this, but just wanted to share my own situation. My mother was diagnosed seven years ago with early onset Alzheimer's at the age of 57, so naturally it dealt my family a terrible blow. My mother and I never had a good relationship but it was never bad either. She grew up with a "history" of her own, and without getting into all the details, my mom should have had psychiatric/psychological help at some point in her life. When my parents had their 35th wedding anniversary I busted my butt to throw them a party (along with my siblings), but I was 23 and I just had this need for everything to be perfect. When my mother arrived, the first thing she said to me, rather than, Wow, thank you, was, You left your curling iron on (I still lived home.) Enough said.

A lot of my friends will apologize when complaining about the things their mothers do and I always tell them not to. Although I'm now 34, married with kids, and miss the relationship that my mom and I could have had at this point in my life, I'm also realistic enough to say that I don't miss the relationship that we would have had at this point.
 
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