O/T: Is this another double standard? Please advise

[Fitnik]

Hello again,

Well, I’ve finally managed to weed out of my ex-boyfriend his real reasons for ending our relationship.

The one that hurt the most and is the most hypocritical is this - he himself has been divorced for 10 years and has a 13 year old son that he has full time custody of. I embraced and took on his son as if he was my own child and got along extremely well with him. Hypocritically, my ex-boyfriend he has now said he was never prepared to do the same with my own son!! I have gotten over the sense of loss about this guy because I realise I’ve had a lucky escape but this made my blood boil - he accepted that I was great with his own child but was not prepared to do the same for my own.

The plot thickens as his ex-wife is an erratic drug addict and a real financial liability to him since he pays her alimony and would have been a real strain for us had we stayed together. Meanwhile, my ex-husband and my son’s father, for his sins, is a very responsible father both financially and emotionally and would rather die than have another man bear any responsibility for his child. I only get maintenance from my ex for our son and nothing for me since I have my own successful career.

This is all so depressing. It seems that men are even more selfish than I ever imagined. It hurts to think that he was looking at my son and thinking of responsibility when I embraced his own child so openly. Surely this is very wrong on his part or am I missing something here?

Your advice, as always, would be very much appreciated. I am so thoroughly fed up!!!

 

[kristi]

Hi Fitnik!

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but the guy sounds like a jerk with a load of baggage. I think you are better off without him. He would not have done you any favors by marrying him and not accepting your son. Your son would have suffered in the long run and you would have been really upset with the guy to have found this out after the fact. The right one will come along and will love you and your son. Sorry to sound so mean, but I can't understand how a guy who would love you would not care for your son especially since you are so caring and loving towards his. Goodridance to bad rubbish!! Keep your head up. Not all guys are jerks.

Best wishes,
Kristi

Edited to add: With a son as cute as yours, the guy must be crazy not to fall in love with him.

 

[Gayle]

>
>This is all so depressing. It seems that men are even more
>selfish than I ever imagined. It hurts to think that he was
>looking at my son and thinking of responsibility when I
>embraced his own child so openly. Surely this is very wrong on
>his part or am I missing something here?
>
>Your advice, as always, would be very much appreciated. I am
>so thoroughly fed up!!!
>

Hi FitNik,

Please don't lump this load in with all men. It ain't the case. Sounds to me like you're lucky to be rid of this guy. There are much better men out there.

Take care.

 

[Aquajock]

There are plenty of jerks out there - witness your now X-BF - and there are plenty of decent, responsible men out there - witness your XH.

Sure, there's plenty wrong with that slob but that isn't your problem. You and your son have dodged a bullet.

Don't give him another thought. Life's too short to spend it pondering the whys and wherefores of jerks.

A-Jock

 

[wolfie]

well now you know. he was a selfish jerk. and you are rid of him. while we cannot control the actions of others, or the hurt that they inflict on us, we can control how we handle it when it happens and we can stop them from hurting us again. you sound like you have taken the first big step. whether he ended the relationship or you did, the important thing is that you have learned what he is made of now, before it's too late. you don't want this person as a role model for your child.

people keep telling me there are good men out there too. maybe there are. sometimes though it just seems like they are too few and far between. i know my brothers are great guys. i have one male friend who is a great guy. so i've got to believe that there are some left.

but now is a great time to focus on you and what you want out of this life. don't even think about this moron. enjoy your friends and your family, keep working out, do some fun things for yourself. as women, we are all too ready to give up everything to take care of someone else. sometimes we neglect to take care of ourselves.

 

[candi]

Playing devils advocate, but maybe there's a ring of truth in it:

Give the guy a little credit for ending the relationship now and be thankful he did not continue to go through the motions pretending to accept and love your son. It appears that he knows his limitations right now and was responsible enough to share them with you.

Obviously, he respected you and your son enough to end the relationship based on his feelings (or lack thereof). Maybe, just maybe, he thinks you deserve more than what he can give.

You and your son will find someone better.

Edited to say, I used to think most men were jerks until I met DH. There are some good ones out there, even though they are few and far between. Please don't settle for less than you deserve.

 

[nancy324]

You're obviously young, beautiful and successful, with an adorable kid. So get right back out there and find someone deserving of you!

 

[clareMc]

Hear, hear!!!! Max and his gorgeous Mum deserve better!

As Annette said, think not more about him. It's his loss, not yours. Keep looking for the man who wants to give as well as receive. They are out there. Heck, I found one and in the UK too!!! So did my three sisters and my sister in law!

Sometimes real love comes along when you aren't busy looking for it, so yes, think about you and Max, concentrate on your own happiness and who knows who might be watching your picture of domestic radiance and want to be a part of it?

You are too beautiful and generous to compromise and Max deserves better. He's a dream!

Clare ;-)

 

[cjbate]

I agree it is a plus he was willing to admit his limitations.

Your son is a DOLL.

NEVER NEVER NEVER "settle" for anything less than the perfect mate!

Maybe take it a bit slower with the next guy too, especially when there are kids involved. I have a good friend who did not let her kids near any guy she was dating....until she was ready to marry him and vice versa. Then they met him. Too hard on the kidlets if it is just going to be a temporary thing.

I know it is discouraging and I've had my share of loneliness too....stay strong and build a good network of girlfriends to lean on in times of loneliness and keep you out of rushing into things. So many guys are justing looking for the next person to hop into bed with for the "time being" and generally will say anything they think you want to hear for a while...til the truth comes out. There are great guys out there though....truly.

HTH
Jen

 

[Fitstick]

All I can tell you is.. there are a lot of jerks out there-- but there are also a lot of nice guys out there too. Just be glad that this relationship didn't go further than it did and that you can walk away from it. You will eventually find someone who is sincere, who can love your son as he deserves to be loved. It will happen.

 

[robyn6002]

Things do work out for the best.. It's probably hard to see now.

Re the "all men are jerks" one could also say women are petty, catty (sp).. so you really can't generalize.

Nothing is better than a great guy friend - so don't give up on men all together and it's nice for your son to know some great guys - they DONT have to be b/fs.

Hang in there.. this too shall pass

 

[icklemoley]

You seem a lovely person and i'm sure you'll meet someone that will love you and your son very well indeed.

Hang in there.

And remember, it really is his loss and i hope you don't have anything more to do with him, e-mails, texts, calls, etc... he deserves nothing more from you. Nothing. Not even the time of day.

W x