New widow

banslug said:
Oh, Linda. My heart is just breaking for you. I am a widow also. September 25th was the 6 year mark that my husband passed away from leukemia; he was 32. Our boys were 3 and 6 at the time, and THEY are what made me cope each day. I had no choice but to get up everyday, and live, simply because my kids were here.

There is just SO MUCH that I could share with you, but this post would get so very long. I'm willing to chat, thru PM, email or even on the phone, if you want to talk more. I'll PM you my contact info.

It's hard. You're realizing that. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It's been 6 years and although I'm 'fine' the majority of the time (again, because I have the kids and you just "keep on truckin'"), there are times throughout the year that hit me like a ton of bricks. For instance....RIGHT NOW. Our younger son just turned 10 on the 17th and our older son will be 13 THIS FRIDAY. It hurts, in a really REALLY bad way, to know that DH is not here to share this with them. 13 is HUGE and my boys won't be able to get that BDay hug from their daddy. I'm sad, and I'm fighting some of those emotions these last few days. I'm an emotional mess right this very second! HECK! I was crying (quietly, mind you) last night at a Scout meeting for my younger DS when a leader said something about how a boy "steps up" when his dad makes him. (paraphrased) The holidays are coming, and that is also a biggie for me.

But this has taught me so many lessons, and I've been trying to teach those to my kids. You only live once. You HAVE to use it wisely. You HAVE to DO something with your life. Find what you LOVE, ENJOY, are PASSIONATE about, and DO IT! Appreciate ALL that you have NOW. And remember all those times you had with your DH. NOBODY and NO CANCER can take those memories away from you.

What I do to cope. #1.....Workout. A few short weeks after DH was diagnosed, I bought a treadmill and returned to my fitness that I had put on hold. #2.....I surround myself with the memories, and share those with the kids....our scrapbooks have helped. #3.....I TALK about it when I need to. At first I kept it inside and just kind of put my head down and moved forward. But I needed help (and still do, quite frankly) in a lot of ways. We had no life insurance, so money has been SOOOOO tight these past 6 years. ASK FOR HELP or a call, or a shoulder to cry on, etc.

Please, Linda. KNOW you are not alone. KNOW that you CAN get thru this, but also KNOW that all your feelings are NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last thing (I hope, lol). This whole experience rocked my world! It rocked my faith in my religion. It changed ME from my toes to the tippy top of my head. I am NOT the same person anymore. But I've learned I am so much stronger than I EVER thought I was....and so are you.
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(((Gayle & boys))))) I will keep you and your boys in my thoughts and prayers! Wishing your son a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
 
More (((((((hugs)))))) for you, Linda and a big welcome back!

My mom passed away last year and my dad (age 85) is now trying to manage being on his own after 59 years of marriage. It was hardest for him the first 6 months and what seemed to help him the most was looking thru old photographs of my mom. The memories of all the time they shared together made him realize how lucky he was to have her in his life for as long as he did. I'm glad you're doing that too. Your DH sounds like he was a very special person. :)

My dad has always been an avid exerciser and he's continued that as it makes him feel so much better. Mostly he walks and does some light weight work. He's also become a lot more social than he used to be and I think that gives him things to look forward to and new memories to enjoy afterward.

Have you visited your daughters lately? I'm sure they are also hurting over the loss of their father. Times like this make us really appreciate our families.

There are many support groups out there that you could join or if you prefer, private counseling. It helps to talk about what you're feeling w/ others who know what you're going thru or someone who can help you cope w/ your overwhelming emotions. Most hospitals either have their own groups & counselors or they can refer you to one. Perhaps your church or town has them as well.

My in-laws have lost many friends and the widows & widowers all travel, see plays & movies, host dinner parties, play bridge & dominoes, visit their children & grandchildren, volunteer in their communities, exercise together, etc. They develop daily routines and keep their calendars full so they don't feel the loneliness as much.

Getting back into regular exercise is a great idea. Just start off slowly --walking, easy workouts, maybe try a yoga class and see how it goes. Walking got me thru the days after my mom died. It was 'moving meditation' time.

My best friend lost her husband 8 years ago at age 39. Her kids were 6 and 10 at the time. Like Gayle, she just keeps on truckin'. :) I think she looks at like this: What would she have wanted to her husband to do w/ his life had the situation been reversed?

Looking forward to more posts from you and I hope you and Elizabeth get together soon.
 
Linda, hugs and caring to you. I am not a widow, but I did lose my father to cancer when I was 14. My SIL just lost her husband to cancer, and I feel so much for her and her children. Now that I am a wife and mother, I have new respect for what my mother went through. Know that you are loved and cared about!


banslug said:
Linda, I feel like a jerk. I posted my response and this morning I went over it in my head and I just feel badly. Sort of like I gushed about ME when it's not about ME right now. Does that make sense? Please forgive me (everybody), if my response above seems self-centered. I was going to delete it, but chose not to. Sorry.

HUGS TO YOU, LINDA!
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I didn't read your response as being self-centered at all. I read that you truly understand and can completely emphasize. Someone who really knows what you are going through is priceless.
 
Linda, I've never been married, let alone have I lost a husband. But I have lost a loved one and lived through some scary points where I thought I was going to lose somebody. Though I know I can't put myself in your shoes completely, I do understand what it means to grieve for someone.

Now, everybody grieves differently. There is no one way of dealing with it that works for everyone. But I feel that it helps to keep busy. It takes your mind off of your pain (and, no, that is not disrespectful. Your husband would not want you to keep hurting). Working out would be a good way to help yourself—after all, it keeps your occupied and also introduces endorphins. But I would agree about starting slowly and working your way up (yoga and meditation are nice calming exercises—and you can buy nice, relaxing music for your meditation). In addition, I would suggest taking up some kind of hobby if you still have time on your hands. Just try things out; maybe you'll find something you really like doing.

Big hugs to you and your grieving family and friends. Just remember—these are sad times, but it will get better. Every day, it's getting a little bit better.
 
Dear Linda,

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I have literally been known to cry over just the thought of losing my beloved husband. I'm currently taking an exercise psychology class (I'm in grad school for exercise physiology) so I've been reading extensively about the benefits of physical activity for anxiety and depression. Losing a loved one is an emotional challenge for anyone and being active might not only relieve a part of the stress that comes immediately with that, but also maybe help avoid some of feelings of anxiousness and depression that may come later.

I think that physical activity is a highly personal issue, so my advice would be to think about things you love and do those. Gardening, dancing, walking in the park, learning something new. Maybe try to think of what would give you a little something to look forward to.

I'm so truly sorry that you have to go through this. I hope that you can find some people and activities that make your days a bit easier. I wish there was something I could do for you... Take good care of yourself!
 
Thankful!

I am so grateful for you kind responses and your encouragement. Thank you so much.
I do love to do Cathe's workouts... and have been trying to do something each day. Today I did Low Max.... and prior days, I was doing Pure Strength (rotating different body parts).

I do find it a great stress reliever. Wish I could do it all day long.... but.... life still has to go on and there are constant reminders of Bob in everything I do.

I am thankful for the wonderful years we had together and need to keep on reminding myself of that. But, honestly, that really doesn't help!!!
God is so faithful and He is always reminding me how much He loves me!! That really helps a lot!!

Thank you all so much gals, I am so grateful and send you all great big hugs!! Thanks for being here for me!
 
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