need some insight...

R

rgi

Cathlete
Hi all!

I'll keep this short, because it's a story that could go on forever...

My brother has been married for 20 years, has two beautiful children and a wife that has some serious issues. She has 5 brothers and sisters: at the time of their marriage she was on speaking terms with all of them; now she speaks to one, sometimes two, and not her parents at all.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers 10 years ago, and as her disease progressed, so did my SIL's lack of interest with her. When we as a family sat together to figure out what our roles would be insofar as her care, she flat out said she had none - not her mother, not her problem. So needless to say, and as you can probably guess, in the past five years the relationship with her and the rest of my family has deteriorated to the point where she no longer speaks to my father, my sister and her husband, myself and my husband, and five nieces and nephews. Her children (16 and 14) no longer can have "unsupervised" contact with my family.

I guess my question is, why would my brother allow her to do this? I can understand that he loves her, that she's the mother of his children, blah, blah, blah, but at what point does someone say "knock it off"? I have always felt that whatever problems she had within her own family were her business and my brother could turn a blind eye if he so chose, but why would he allow her to create problems within his own? I'm at the point where I feel numb towards the whole thing. I love my brother and his children, but I no longer have respect for him and it's a horrible way to feel!

Thanks for letting me ramble. Any insight is greatly appreciated!


ETA: I just wanted to add that her not speaking to my family began when she accused my father of having an affair with a woman who was coming in to help with my mom, which he was not. Looking back now, I guess that was her way of giving herself the opening to have a problem with my father, which lead to the problems with my sister and myself. While her reluctance to help with my mother didn't make us all warm and fuzzy towards her, it didn't cause us to make her feel unwelcome...if that makes any sense?
 
(((((hugs))))) What a terrible predicament!! I don't know why these things happen. Wow and ya know your brother is especially in a very difficult situation. He may just not know what to do about it. Alzheimers is a terrible disease and I can only imagine what you are going thru. Is it something that you have talked with him about?

I wish I had an answer for you. :(

Catherine http://www.smileyhut.com/silly/arrowhead.gif

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Hi Catherine -

Thanks for the reply. I don't know if anyone has any answers for me. I'd just like to be able to get inside my brother's head for a moment to see what's churning in there!

Alzheimer's is a horrible disease and it really shows you what your family is made of. Thankfully we have been able to keep my mother at home for the past ten years. She is in very late stage. In fact, yesterday was her 69th birthday. I hate wondering if she is able to "sense" the tension in her family. The strangest thing is, she was always the closest to my brother, and when she first was diagnosed with Alz she told my sister that she never liked my brother's wife, that she was evil...perhaps a foretelling of things to come?
 
Just wondering - would you feel comfortable talking about this with your brother? Maybe he *is* telling her behind-the-scenes to knock it off. Maybe he has tried in the past but has given up. She sounds like a pretty toxic person. If she causes that much friction for others, then I can imagine his home life might be hell. Maybe he chooses not to deal with this b/c it is one less battle that he has to fight. Don't know the players or the full story, so obviously, I'm just speculating. But I wish you luck! I hope you can find a peaceful resolution, even if only within yourself. It must be difficult to deal with a sticky situation like this *on top of* your mother's illness.

~Cathy :)
 
Cathy -

We have all tried talking to him and he defends her so vehemently that it is almost scary. He once said to me, "Don't you think I wish she did more than she does," talking about my mother. We had a situation a few years ago when my mom was home alone where she had fallen and couldn't get herself up. My father has hot water heating in his home and her leg wound up resting against the baseboard heat. Because of her lack of hot/cold sensation, she didn't realize it and wound up with a 2nd degree burn on her leg. My point to my brother was that his wife's role could've been just stopping in to check on my mom, to see if she's dead or alive. No one has EVER expected my SIL to bathe her or change a dirty Depends - NO ONE!

I do think there is more going on behind the scenes than he lets on, and in my heart I don't believe he's a happy camper. The sad part is that he has isolated himself so much from those who love him that he sees everything as a personal afront to him and his family. I guess it's easy for me to portray myself and my family as the "good guys" in all this, but I have to say that we are.

Thanks for your thoughts!
 
I am sorry you are going through all of this. It is always difficult to deal with a family situation where not everyone gets along.

I am just curious, do you think it is your SIL's fault that your Mom had burns on her leg?

I am sure it is very difficult for your brother that his side of the family and his wife of 20 years don't get along. I am sure he is torn, however, I do commend him that he is not turning on his wife either. I understand that you and your family may not be thrilled about him not taking your side.

I have to say, that's what I do, I would NEVER publically turn on my husband, even if I think he is wrong, what I say to him behind closed doors is a different story though}(.

I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I do have a very close friend who married the wicked witch of the West (at least so I think)! I talk to her and try to find something positive in her, for my friend's sake, because I grew up with him and love him like he was my own brother. It is difficult to not say anything to him. However, I accept that this is his choice and his life. The way I see it, because I love him, I don't want to put him in a situation where he has to chose. My role is to support HIM and not to make his life more difficult than it already is.

I think it is a hard concept to grasp, but you may have to respect your brother's choice, and if you want a relationship with your brother and your nieces and nephews, you may have to be the bigger person. It's not easy, I know!

I have no idea, what the situation is in your family and it is next to impossible to judge from a few sentences and without knowing any of the players involved. But a lot of times with situations like that there are a lot of hurt feelings and miscommunications involved from all sides. For the sake of your family (all members), it may be a good idea to get a "neutral" third party involved, to sort this out.

I am very sorry about your Mom, I know that is tough and I commend you for taking care of her, most people would just put her in a assisted living facility.

Good luck to you and your family

Carola
 
<I am just curious, do you think it is your SIL's fault that your Mom had burns on her leg?>

No, not at all. My point to my brother was that IF my SIL was in the habit of stopping to check on my mother during the course of the day (at that time), perhaps she would have found her before the burns got so severe. I was just trying to point out to him how easily she could have found her niche in the role of caretaker. I don't blame her for what occurred...it was everyone's fault for leaving her alone for so long.
 
You know, I think for your own peace of mind, you might have to "let go" and expect NOTHING of this woman. Certainly do not expect her to change. She seems to thrive on the drama, so perhaps it is time that your side of the family responds differently to her antics. When she tries to stir it up, take her with a grain of salt and laugh it off/make a joke. I know that may be easier said than done, but it sounds to me like she gets her power from upsetting others - so don't give it to her. I do believe people like that will move on to new targets when they don't get the desired reaction.

~Cathy

>Cathy -
>
>We have all tried talking to him and he defends her so
>vehemently that it is almost scary. He once said to me,
>"Don't you think I wish she did more than she does," talking
>about my mother. We had a situation a few years ago when my
>mom was home alone where she had fallen and couldn't get
>herself up. My father has hot water heating in his home and
>her leg wound up resting against the baseboard heat. Because
>of her lack of hot/cold sensation, she didn't realize it and
>wound up with a 2nd degree burn on her leg. My point to my
>brother was that his wife's role could've been just stopping
>in to check on my mom, to see if she's dead or alive. No one
>has EVER expected my SIL to bathe her or change a dirty
>Depends - NO ONE!
>
>I do think there is more going on behind the scenes than he
>lets on, and in my heart I don't believe he's a happy camper.
>The sad part is that he has isolated himself so much from
>those who love him that he sees everything as a personal
>afront to him and his family. I guess it's easy for me to
>portray myself and my family as the "good guys" in all this,
>but I have to say that we are.
>
>Thanks for your thoughts!
 
So sorry to hear this, rgi. I really don't blame you. I think I would start to lose respect for your brother too if I were in your situation. Family is soooo strange sometimes. It's a shame, but your brother is a big boy, and he is making his choices. So be it. He's the one who will be most hurt by the situation, and he'll have to live with the consequences. There's nothing you can do except alert him to what you are observing, and make suggestions if he wants them. But there's really nothing else you can do.
 
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