Need advice on husband

K

KimDW

Cathlete
I've just had the most aweful morning. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. My husband has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Constantly thinking he is not doing something right or the right way. He is taking Luvox and sees the doctor when he needs a refill. His insurance is crappy so basically there are no mental health benefits. We pay $140 a month for the meds. and $84 every 2 months for doc's visit. I know he needs actual therapy amd I think he does to but he always seems to leave it up to me to look into other options on things. I want to help him all I can but I'm really starting to hate my life.

So, he asked me (last year) if he could start leaving with me in the morning when I left for work. I said that's fine. I leave at 7:45 and have to be at work at 8:00. He doesn't have to be at work until 9:00 but needs to leave by 8:30 no later. So now I get up at 4:30am to take my shower so he can be in there by no later than 6:00 because he takes at least an hour or hour and 20 mins in the shower. We talked about this weekend that maybe it would be better for me to just leave when I need to rather than stressing out over being late and he's not ready. I'm sure it stresses him out with me yelling at him that I've got to go. I've tried to be calm. But it just causes me more stress. So this morning at 7:30 when he finally got out of the shower I told him that I was going to have to leave when I needed to and he'd be fine leaving on his own. He seemed OK at first and then he just was sweating like crazy and kind of started crying saying You do what you need to do. I couldn't leave him like that. So of course I waited. But he didn't leave with me at 5 till 8:00 because he said he wanted to calm down a little and for me to go ahead and leave. I feel sick at my stomach. This is not helping my health. We've been together since we were 15 (married 8 years) we are 30 now. I love him to death but he is driving me crazy. He has always been a perfectionist but his a## of a boss and his job has caused him to develope this. I'm so sorry this is so long and off topic. I just need some advice or encouragement.

Kimbra ;(
 
Hey Kimbra,


I have OCD,although I do not have his symptoms. Does he go to a therapist. If he is not going, he may want to look up one. Maybe it is something that you want to do to help cope with things. I know it is hard for you,trust me I put my husband through h*ll sometimes.


I hope I have helped you some.

kim
 
Kimbra, I am so sorry you are dealing with all this stress right now. I have dealt with many OCD type clients in my profession and I can tell you right now that your husbands needs a combination of medication AND behavioral therapy to help him get better. This is not something you can bear the burden of alone & it seems right now your husband is not in the greatest position to make a decision for himself. Believe it or not, the family members of people with emotional difficulties can be affected as much if not more, oftentimes leading to more severe life stresses (divorce, etc). Please look into working with your husband to find a qualified therapist so that you both can get back to living your lives. My best wishes in that things get better soon.

"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"

Debbie
 
Kimbra,

First of all, waiting for him is enabling his situation. Second of all, his boss and job did not cause his OCD. IMHO, you must not crutch him or blame others. I know you deeply care for your husband but this attitude will do absolutely nothing to help him.

He needs a therapist. Cognitive-emotive therapy works wonders on OCD sypmtoms. Before you get angry with me, let me just tell you I used to suffer with anxiety attacks that escalated into OCD. I never used drugs but worked out my OCD through therapy. I had to take control over my thinking and know that I was in charge. It sounds simple but a person suffering with OCD feels that they are at the mercy of life events and their emotions.
 
Kimbra,

Maybe this will help. When I did my Counseling internship I worked through a facility where I was supervised by a licensed counselor. The outpatient counseling service was free to the community. If you have a college in your area or a facility that provides mental health counseling, he may be able to get either free therapy or payments based on your income.

IMHO, your husband needs to take charge of his mental health on his own and try to make these arrangements by himself with minimal help from you.
 
I agree with Candi and Boybert-- seek out counseling! My husband went through something similar when he was in graduate school. I tried for over a year to be accomodating and sympathetic, but I was legitimating his depression. After a year, I was the one who had to find help and medication! All of this during our first year of marriage, too. I finally realized that I wasn't helping him and that he had to help himself. I reached the point where I was prepared to leave him if he didn't get some kind of help, which thank goodness, he did. It took awhile, but he regained his confidence and control. Things are wonderful now:)


Hugs your way,
L
 
I agree with what everyone else said!

My husband was struggling with quitting smoking. He would get me to help him by spending all of our time together so I could tell him not to do it. I even went to lunch with him everyday so he wouldn't smoke on his lunch break. I became a codependant. I took away his ability to do it on his own and get help on his own. I told him that I quit (no pun intended) and he had to do it on his own. I told him that I supported him, but it isn't my problem and I can't fix it, he has to do it on his own. And he did. He hasn't smoked a cigarette in over 3 years. What we think of as helping really just becomes enabling and starts other unhealthy relationship habits.

I feel really bad about your husband's boss, I feel bad for your husband. I hope that he is able to grow the way that he needs to so that you can have an awesome marriage! My prayers are with you!

Missy
 
My son, who has other disablilities, also has OCD. I know how frustrating it can be dealing with irrational behavior. What about your insurance? Can it help with his therapy? Would therapy for you help diffuse the problems? I wish you all the best.
 
I know that you are going to be sick of hearing this but he really needs counseling. Try to tap into the local associations and even call several doctors for suggestions on places that he can go either for free or on a sliding scale payment. There are places like this in many states, since not everyone has great insurance but may need assistance.

Good luck. It sounds so difficult and I know it is breaking your heart to see him like that after being together so long. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will be okay

Christine :)
 
Regarding advice that your husband needs to take a more active role. It has to do with him owning the situation and taking back the power the OCD has taken away. If you continue to do so much for him, he cannot take credit for even the minimal of success he may have over the OCD. Each success he has over the disease builds on itself and proves to him he can overcome the situation.

I hope this makes sense :)

Believe me, I know how difficult this can be but something has got to change before it can get better.
 
Kimbra-
Is the Luvox helping? It really doesn't sound like it's working very well. I think he needs a consultation with a psychiatrist who has an excellent reputation to make sure he is on the right meds. Even if you can't afford therapy (who can with insurance covering so little), you can afford to consult with a pyschiatrist, and see him/her 3-4 times a year regarding the meds. There is no reason that the two of you should be living this way. My understanding is that OCD is very responsive to meds.
 
Nancy,

OCD is very elusive. Also, OCD sufferers play mind games with themselves. I'm not a Psychiatrist but I can tell you that this disease is different from Depression in the sense that therapy is almost a MUST, with or without medication. OCD sufferers can spin themselves into an abyss, if allowed.
 
Thank you guys so much for the replies.

He does see a psychiatrist about every two months because that's when the prescription runs out. Not sure if this is how it is where you are but it seems like around here you have to see a psychiatrist to get the medication and then you have to see a seperate therapist for the counseling. That's what he needs. I just talked to him and I suggested he look into finding a different doctor and/or counselor. There is a place here in St Louis (30 mins away) that treats OCD and anxiety disorders that we might look into. There are also support groups that he could go to and me too for help. His insurance doesn't really help much. The mental health benefits are basically this: Pay full price for office visit. $500 yearly deductible that pays back only 50% if the deductible is met. Then on mental health meds there is a deductible/co-pay. We pay a $15 co-pay until the insurance company has paid $500 worth on the meds. And at $140 for a 30 day supply that adds up pretty quick. I think that I've kind of taken over things because I myself like to be in control and like to do things myself. I know that I probably should see a counselor if only just to have someone to talk to. I need to learn to let go.
My husband has always been a little of a perfectionist and likes to do things right the first time. And I know what kind a person his boss is. He does things half-a#@ and doesn't care if he has to do something over again. But he also knows that DH does better work than him (the customers have told him this). So he gripes at my DH about not doing something fast enough or not doing it right. So DH has got it drilled in his brain that everything he does has got to be done a certain way to be right. I don't know if this was intentional or not but right when DH was going to go to the doctor the first time his boss switched insurance plans and companies and picked crappy mental health benefits. Almost like he's trying to make it harder for him to get better so that he'll just quit the job.

Thanks again guys. I can feel the cyber hugs :) . I guess this is the test of the "For better or worse" wedding vows huh?

Kimbra
 
Kimbra, you love him to death and obessive compulsive disorder is very difficult. You CAN'T do tough love because it will not make a difference. You are not enabling him. His brain chemisty is different than yours and it manifests itself as OCD. Encourage him to seek out other methods of treatment that might work better. I hope that financially you can deal wi†h the cost. If you love him, YOU will adapt to the disorder. He has no power over it. There are treatments but it's difficult to find the right one, as I am sure you know. As with any disorder that originates in the brain, it's a shot in the dark. Sometimes you hve to try far too many methods to find the right one. I know that from depression. And yep, I am a functional obsessive compulsive. I wash my hands alot. Anya time I touch or handle something and then move on to something else. It's just me. I rarely get sick and I can control it. It's never affected my abilty to do my life. In sickness and in health are vows we take too. This is sickness. It is a disease of the chemistry of the brain. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I believe in time, if you look for and find the right person to help him, it can be so much more normal. Love him and accept him for what he is. He has no choice. I pray you find the thing that will make a real difference. And talk to us for comfort. You are doing a wonderful job and he is lucky to have you. You are lucky too because love is precious and you have found it, OCD or no! Many blessings!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
 
Bobbi,

Cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to work on OCD and this type of therapy worked for me. Part of it is brain chemistry and part of it is behavioral but the brain can be rewired through behavioral therapy. If we continue to say it's totally chemical, we sucumb and lose all power. I had obsessive thoughts that I won't go in to on this forum and also obsessive behaviors. Through four years of active therapy and taking charge of my thoughts, I took control. It's hard work but can be done. If I had someone crutching me during this time, I probably wouldn't have worked as hard as I did to turn things around.

http://www.ocfoundation.org/ocf1030a.htm

This website gives some good information.
 
Kimbra-
I have no experience with OCD, but I'm thinking about you and hoping you and your husband can find a way out of this current situation. Mental health "benefits" are rarely that.
I'd try to find comfort in the fact that you know your husband doesn't want to be reacting like this, and maybe think together about what his options are. It sounded like there was a knowledgeable place 30 minutes away- they might have some financial help they can offer for their services as well.
Best of luck to both of you, and take care!
 
Kimbra,

I wish you both the best. Remember, working as a team to beat this is optimal but you husband needs to take an active role in the research and the therapy.

As Bobbi said, OCD is nothing to be ashamed of. It can be overcome...I am living proof :)

Your husband is lucky to have you :)
 
I agree, love and accept him the way he is. God bless you for trying so hard to help him all this time. You are a saint!

Any chance that he could quit his job and find other employment? I realize that's not an easy thing in this economy. And maybe that's not even the answer, but it sure would be nice for him to get away from that boss.

Take care, I hope things get better.

Lisa
 
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