My Family Secretly Hates Me

[fawn001]

My mother lives next door to my sister. My mother is 75 years old and my father died four year ago.

I try to visit my mother at least once a month. She lives 45 minutes away and I work full time. So it is hard to go see her sometimes. My mother never invites me to come over. I always invite myself. When I get there, she is ready for me to leave after 1 1/2 hours.

When I arrived today my brother and nephew were outside flying a plane. They never came over to say hi. My sister called my mother while I was there and my mother told my sister I was there. My sister left to go shopping and never came by my mom's first to see me before she left. She didnt even tell my mother to tell me hi.

All this really hurts my feelings and I realized for the first time today that my entire family secretly hates me. It is because we are successful, are in shape, and happy.

 

[Gayle]

Fawn - I don't know what to say that would help you deal with the situation or make you feel better, but just sending you {{{HUGS}}}. That really stinks.

 

[Calendar Girl]

Fawn,
I'm so sorry you are feeling left down by your family, that is no fun. I think what might be happening is that since it sounds like the rest of your family lives closer to your mom that they just kind of drop by and don't have "official" visits. Since you live further away, you feel this is a special time to see your family but being at mom's house is just a regular occurance to them thus they are very casual and forget to greet visitors and such. Hang in there, sometimes we have to expect less from our relatives.

Deb

 

[janiejoey]

Confront them.

You'll never know unless you ask them.

I'm curious myself, it is so strange.

Janie

 

[Jonezie]

Fawn...I couldn't understand you more. I have a family like this (although I'm sure they were never jealous of my body or success . I spent my life doing ALL the work to see them, always the one to travel to them. YEARS of driving 8 hours to see them...then, last year...my aunt and cousin came to L.A. to see a concert. They flew into LAX, which you know is a nightmare airport...then took a taxi to downtown L.A. But they wouldn't come the extra 15 minutes to see me because they said they didn't like to try to find their way in an unfamiliar city. When I hung up the phone, I thought "I'll just never see them again."

On top of that, every time I travel all that way, when I walk in the front door, they barely muster a hello or look up from their TV/video games. I spend the weekend trying to entertain myself.

I can tell by your post that it bothers you very much. I know what it feels like to want so much to be close but not have the feeling reciprocated. And it's a strange feeling. Because you might expect it in romantic relationships or friendships. But you don't expect it in families. That should be the one place where we are so dearly loved and wanted. I'm so sorry I cannot offer any ideas or solutions...but I can offer you an "I totally get that" and wish you all the best in your journey to find peace with it.

Warmest,
Jonezie

 

[lainiefig]

Have you ever asked them straight out if they have a problem?

That being said, I do understand the feeling. My husband's family never calls or comes to visit. Of course we live in New York and they live in Texas so it's not so easy to visit. Actually, my family doesn't visit much either but they do call regularly and email. His mom will occasionally include us on an email forward but that's about it. We lived in Europe for a while and they claimed they could not call overseas, but now that we're in the States they still don't call. Yet they will complain that we don't visit them more often. I guess I should take the complaints as a sign that they actually do still care, but that's about all we get from them.

(((((((HUGS))))))) to you. Sometimes you have to make a new family with your friends.

 

[fitg]

This post makes me so sad. I'm sorry.

I am not close with my family at all. I have been with my husband for 15 years and his family has been wonderful to me. I know they love me and would do anything for me. We don't talk a whole lot, but I do know they care, and I care about them.

I totally agree with the previous poster about friends being family. My husband and I adore our group of friends. We spend so much time together. Our best friends are moving to another state due to the economy here and it is breaking my heart. My husband is very sensitive and I know that it is killing him, he just doesn't say it, like he doesn't want to believe it's happening. We spend Christmas together, hang out on the weekends, etc. It sucks.

Take care.

 

[fawn001]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your understanding regarding my post.

I thought when I got home that my sisiter would have called to say she was sorry she missed me. But no phone call.

I am not a bad sister/daughter. I do all I can for my family. It just hurts me so much that they dont want good things for me. I am kind to them and dont say mean things. I treat them with respect and compassion.

I am going to wait a while before I go over there again. I want to see how long it takes to get an invitation.

 

[ldy_solana]

IMO i wouldn't wait around for anything from them. i would be honest about how you feel but don't expect the answer you want from them. people are going to feel how they feel. and family or not if they don't respect you as a person and as a sister or daughter don't bother trying so hard.

i love all of my family but their behaviors were starting to effect me,my marriage and my relationship with my child. so i backed off and started living for me. they call when they want something or are bored but i don't give them the satisfaction of dropping life for them.

i get some flack from others for it b/c we are raised to stand by our family but after 2 years dealing with a therapist, a therapist has even agreed if they are not good for our mental health and if it can't be resolved with good communication and honesty(ON BOTH ENDS) then the relationship is doomed to have a repeat cycle until both parties can meet in the middle.

sorry you have to feel this way but i would try at least to be open with your family and if it doesn't work out then that is THEIR stuff NOT yours and don't let their crap taint you.

kassia

 

[kathryn]

IMO i wouldn't wait around for anything from them. i would be honest about how you feel but don't expect the answer you want from them. people are going to feel how they feel. and family or not if they don't respect you as a person and as a sister or daughter don't bother trying so hard.

ITA

From your post, it looks like you are letting other people (your family) determine your happiness. Maybe a break (an emotional one) from them would be better for your emotional health.


>It is because we are successful, are in shape, and happy.

This statement bothers me a bit. If you've never confronted your family, how do you know why (or even if) they hate you? If you are giving off the vibes "hey, we're successful, in-shape and happy, and you aren't" it may be understandable why they might not want to spend more time with you.